When Family Disagree About Elder Care

[ZekeZeke]

I live in Ireland, my MIL is 90 and has moderate Alzheimer's type dementia and lives alone.
It's just DH and his brother, and the wives, me and SIL.

I organised medical card, carers who visit twice a day, Cleaner once a week, meals on wheels, Alzheimer's carers, a motorised wheelchair for her. I order her incontinence wear, do her food shopping and lots more.
I'm good at admin!
Today I received 10 calls between Alzheimer's carer, Occupational Therapist, carer and a nursing home. It's not usually this amount but I receive at least 15 calls a week.
I work Monday to Friday and visit MIL every Sunday (50 minutes there and 50 minutes back driving).
That's the background.
Anway, here is my question.
MIL is entitled to 28 days respite (two blocks of two weeks pa) in a nursing home. This was recommended to me by the Alzheimer's carer, I didn't know it was even an option.
It's another form filling exercise. PHN, doctor and us (her family). Then once the form is received it is valid for 6 months.

I asked SIL when they want to avail of the two week respite as I would need to book it in. Her response was MIL doesn't need respite, that she is doing great and it's good to know its there when MIL needs it, maybe in the winter.
I'm going to sound like a bitch but I need a break. I really do. I want two weeks of no phone calls or emails or texts or driving.
I've replied to her saying we can also get 2 weeks during the winter, that respite is not just for the elder but the carers and that I think it would do her the world of good. She is alone at home. So she would have Company. I've saud DH and I are taking two weeks off at x time this summer, No reply!

So, what do you do when you disagree about the care of your elderly parent/MIL?
(DH thinks she should go to a nursing home full time). I want to down tools.

Cross-posted.
So glad you stuck to your guns OP.

Meant to add. I organised all of this and fought for every bit of help for MIL The BIL/SiIL didn't do diddly

Well done OP. It is hard to step away.

I did the same 2 years ago with MIL. Her dementia made it easier for me to step away as I went from "the most wonderful DIL", to "the bitch". Self fulfilling as she said it so often, I became the detached uncaring bitch.

Her sons now do everything.

@moonbedazzled meals on wheels depends where you are. I’m in one of the 40% of LEAs who still run meals on wheels, though they use a private supplier. Two years ago it was £5 a day for midday meal, delivered daily.

Take it!! Book the time for your mil to ‘have a holiday’ and give yourself a break. DO NOT wait for your SIL approval - you won’t get it.
I so with this has been available when we were in this treadmill.

Who knows your mil might love it and want to stay. If she doesn’t, when you return from your holiday insist that roles of care are more equitably distributed.

Incidentally- what would happen if you had an accident or emergency surgery and were unable to coordinate things for several weeks? …

Bugger I forget to rtft. Apologies and well done op!!!

Well done OP!

Good for you. It must be a huge relief. BIL will now realise the mammoth task you had on your hands all that time. Best of luck to him!

Well, SIL sent me a photo of MIL today eating her lunch.
I'm like (in my head) I really don't want or need to see this. I mean why did she send me a photo? To prove she visited MIL today? She will soon get a pain in her hole doing that. I didn't reply.

Bargebill if MIL had an accident she would end up in hospital (I guess).

BIL and my DH really need to sit down and talk about the future but they both have their heads stuck in the sand.
I've stepped away and downed tools, I'm not sure how long BIL/SIL will manage doing it by themselves.

She has 2 sons why are they not doing anything - more importantly why isnt your DH stepping in - why did you need to do all of this for his mum

You are right quartz, I kind of fell into it.
BIL/DH didn't know where to start to find out where to get help. They either didn't know or didn't want to admit MIL was steadily getting worse.
BIL didn't want carers at the start and I remember DH saying good luck with that because she won't let them in, but she did! (although at the start she was pushing against any help, Covid hit so she had no choice really)
They just thought MIL was forgetful, I pushed for a diagnosis. She was still driving up to February last year! And there is no way she should have been driving but BIL (who makes the rules) just said, oh well won't renew her license, it's up in September, but I pushed and said she should not be driving end of.

So it always seemed that I was the one upsetting the apple cart when in fact I was protecting a bloody accident waiting to happen.

ZekeZeke you sound absolutely amazing with what you have done!

@ZekeZeke

Well, SIL sent me a photo of MIL today eating her lunch. I'm like (in my head) I really don't want or need to see this. I mean why did she send me a photo? To prove she visited MIL today? She will soon get a pain in her hole doing that. I didn't reply.

Bargebill if MIL had an accident she would end up in hospital (I guess).

BIL and my DH really need to sit down and talk about the future but they both have their heads stuck in the sand.
I've stepped away and downed tools, I'm not sure how long BIL/SIL will manage doing it by themselves.

Did you used to send her a pic of MIL eating lunch? If not, let it go once, but if she does it again, point out to her that you don't need 'proof' that she is feeding MIL.
Tbh I think this should be the actual relative's issue to deal with.

Well done op and stay strong. You have done your bit and recognise that you can’t do it anymore - you are no use to anyone once you’ve pushed yourself to far. Hopefully they will realise just how much you’ve done.

(If they are like my Dh family - I’m sad to say you will probably get the blame when they inevitably balls it up. I know I did).

I looked after my elderly neighbour and reached the end of my tether. 50 -70 telephone calls a day starting at 7am. I was told it wasn't that bad or I wasn't believed. She passed all the cognition tests because she would practise the answers! No-one would listen to me. If I didn't answer the telephone (Her niece who lived in England received some phone calls during the day.)it became a 999 call - motorcycle first responder then the ambulance. The GP, her lawyer and the SW all felt she was fine and coping. Niece came up for the meeting and luckily the tel bill arrived that morning to show the pages and pages and pages of calls to my number. There is lots more. I ended up typing a 5 page succinct resume of the previous 18 months I had cared for her and emailing /delivering it. Stressful so stressful for the carer.

I mean why did she send me a photo? Maybe she thought you'd be worried and wanted to know MIL was OK? Let her know you trust her to look after MIL.

I'd simply ignore the photo this time. If she does continue to send photos directly to you ask her is there any reason she feels the need to do so as you really don't need to see them.