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Elderly parents
Original poster

What when it's our turn?

113 replies

aramox · 27/04/2021 14:21

Staggering on caring for elderly parents with no quality of life, I'm trying to think how to avoid getting into the same situation myself. I have one child who I don't want to care for me. But I also don't actually want to live that long. I don't want to be taking loads of medications and getting dementia. Lots of my older relatives died fairly easily in their 70s or early 80s, but that's much rarer now. How are you preparing your own life for future ageing? And is anyone else thinking about trying to avoid medical interventions that keep us alive too long?

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 27/04/2021 14:27

Definitely. I have absolutely no interest in staying alive once I am past my amuse-by date. Once health or brain is on its way out, I have every intention of calling it a day.

My kids are under strict instructions to shove me under a bus and have been told they are not to put themselves out or even feel obliged for a single minute to become carers for me.

Ideally I would like to score a big bag of drugs and go out with a bang at a music festival like Glasto. Or maybe bung myself off the back of a cruise ship. Anything to avoid the hideous prospect of living an unwanted life.

TiltTopTable · 27/04/2021 14:28

I was only thinking about this yesterday. DH's mother has advanced Parkinsons and it's brutal. She's often in tears and says she doesn't want to live any longer. If I ever get a diagnosis for such a disease I'll be booking myself in at Dignitas. Hopefully by then things will be much more humane and assisted death with be acceptable in the UK.

AmandaHoldensLips · 27/04/2021 14:29

Just because we have the technology/medicines to keep people alive doesn't mean we actually should. What's the point?

Original poster
aramox · 27/04/2021 14:32

I know. But try talking to doctors/surgeons like that! Happy to operate on those who will have no quality of life if they survive - we just don't have a model for thinking about it. But would I avoid taking statins, for example? or preventative investigations?

OP posts:
5zeds · 27/04/2021 14:36

I’m the opposite. I will do everything in my power to stay alive and ok for as long as possible. Death is just not peaceful and welcoming.

SnargaluffPod · 27/04/2021 14:37

I’ve made it widely known that I don’t want anything to save me if they find me collapsed and there’s a possibility of oxygen deprivation. I don’t even want them to start mouth to mouth or chest compressions. In regards of general failing health or compromised mental capacity, a big bag of drugs once I’ve tied up all loose ends. I won’t expect kids to care for me, I’ll manage myself or employ someone to do it for me. That said, I have every intention of caring for my mum. I’ll move her in if need be.

HeronLanyon · 27/04/2021 14:45

I am hoping that by the time I get to a point where I need to go, I can with ease and at my choosing. My old ma had the best death - sudden no illness elderly at home
Peaceful and still full of beans and busy and active. Out of the blue. The perfect death for her.
It is all too rare.

memberofthewedding · 27/04/2021 14:55

Im 77 and have enough medication hidden away to kill me 10 times over. The idea of ending up in a care(less) home with a bunch of incontinent mindless idiots would be worse than death. I will end my life in my own way when I can no longer look after myself. I dont expect my relatives to break the law by being complicit in my death. Fortunately such things are easy when you live alone.

Charley50 · 27/04/2021 14:56

I feel the same after being with my mum and witnessing her decline over the last few years, especially her last year, where her quality of life was life was almost nonexistent - I completed an advanced directive, and have declined antibiotics if I have dementia for example. You can be really specific. Tbh though I was going to leave a copy at my GP, but was worried that if I got Covid they wouldn't treat me, so I've kept hold of it... compassionindying.org.uk/making-decisions-and-planning-your-care/scotland/advance-directives/make-advance-directive/

memberofthewedding · 27/04/2021 14:59

My grandmother lived to be 96 and was living alone until she died. She reached up to get something, gave a little cry, and fell to the ground. My aunt, who was with her at the time, said she was dead before the ambulance arrived. That was back in the 1970s and they did not have todays technology then. But what a wonderful way to die.

minniemomo · 27/04/2021 15:10

I will be signing a dnr around 75/80 for sure

HeronLanyon · 27/04/2021 15:13

member how brilliant. My own ma died out in garden having a coffee and cigarette doing a sudoku before a very busy day she had planned. Great age. Still up to all sorts. Perfect ending. Although awful shock for all of us.

TiltTopTable · 27/04/2021 18:07

I like reading accounts of 'good' deaths. They give me hope. My friend's elderly mother lived with her for a few years, no illness just general frailty, and she was happy and content. One Sunday my friend made her a bacon sandwich and a cup of tea in bed. When she went to collect the plate and cup and her mother said "that was a lovely sandwich love". Friend left her in bed for a few minutes, came back and she'd passed away peacefully. A shock for my friend but a great way to go.

LEMtheoriginal · 27/04/2021 18:15

I will also be signing a dnr both my parents had no qol at the end and i dont want my children caring for me.

I actually fear dying and really dont want to, i want my telegram! But i dont want life for lifes sake.

HeronLanyon · 27/04/2021 18:44

Oh tilt I’ll bet your friend thinks of that last exchange a lot with a smile (and maybe still some tears). What a comfort.

dane8 · 27/04/2021 19:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

caringcaroline · 27/04/2021 19:27

We should all be able to die with comfort and dignity. I remember, though, watching a documentary on Dignatas and the room was so stark, without warmth or comfort. It just seemed ... well ... a bit brutal really.

If you could marry the rights-based practice of Dignatas with the caring ethos of a hospice, I'd definitely would book in when I thought it was my time to go

Supersimkin2 · 27/04/2021 19:27

Not many people have a clue about how harrowing human decay is.

Thing is, in the old days you fell apart and died. Now you just fall apart and exist for 20 years, if you can call it that. No one measures your suffering, funny that.

BackforGood · 27/04/2021 19:38

I support Dignity in Dying (also on Facebook) and their campaigns and I sometimes write to my MPs and / or sign petitions.

I also let it be widely know to anyone who wants to have the conversation that I do NOT with to be "kept alive". I have no fear of dying but I want to be able to live my live fully, not 'maintained' in very poor health by modern medicine.

This is something I've been open about for decades. Not a one off conversation. My dh knows. My dc know. My siblings. My friends. Everyone knows so no-one can condemn the person who ever has to make any decisions.

I know it won't help all those people that are really struggling with things but have no terminal condition, but it is at least a start.

Original poster
aramox · 28/04/2021 09:21

I wonder what medical interventions now keep people alive? Is it heart medication preventing fatal strokes?

OP posts:
CaptainAwkward · 28/04/2021 10:13

My great grandfather died midst ploughing a field. He was found when they noticed the horses had stopped. His wife, apparently, passed away mid-kneading a stone’s worth of bread!

MereDintofPandiculation · 28/04/2021 11:30

@aramox

I wonder what medical interventions now keep people alive? Is it heart medication preventing fatal strokes?
Heart medication is an obvious one (earlier detection of cancer is another). A lot of people from their 60s upwards are on blood-pressure reducing tablets.So it's strokes and heart attacks which are being pushed later in life. Trouble is, if one stops blood pressure medication, you might be more likely to go quickly with a heart attack, but also more likely to have a non-fatal stroke, which will really mess with your brain and your ability to stay out of a care home.

I'm not sure of my courage to sort things out for myself. I'm putting my faith in robots - the Japanese are well on the way, having both a hi-tech society and a lot of older people.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 28/04/2021 11:40

You can write advanced directives, which come into play if you lose capacity to decline medical treatments, for example if you get dementia you could write an advance directive refusing antibiotics if you had a chest infection, then you might die from pneumonia rather than being treated with antibiotics.

You can also nominate someone as a lasting power of attorney for health decisions, then if you lost capacity they would make your decisions. You would need to be confident they understand your wishes.

I personally would continue with blood pressure drugs etc, as I wouldn't want to be left disabled/ chronically unwell by a non fatal heart attack or stroke.

But I would want to refuse antibiotics once I was frail and declining, or had dementia, as a pneumonia or other infection would be a quicker way to go. I would also write them to refuse surgery unless the surgery was necessary for pain control.

MereDintofPandiculation · 28/04/2021 11:48

The idea of ending up in a care(less) home with a bunch of incontinent mindless idiots would be worse than death. Of course, if you do end up there, it will be because you too have ended up mindless and incontinent, so you might not find it worse than death.

CarmelBeach · 28/04/2021 12:04

Relieved to see this thread

Trying to resist blood pressure meds from the doctor at the moment. I am fine with my BP. They are not.

My parents are on about 14 pills a day. I understand the ones that make you feel better but most of what they have is not about that.

I also dither re the risk of stroke and then recovery but we cannot hide from ill health forever. I would like to enjoy my cheese and wine while I'm here.