What when it's our turn?

[aramox]

Staggering on caring for elderly parents with no quality of life, I'm trying to think how to avoid getting into the same situation myself. I have one child who I don't want to care for me. But I also don't actually want to live that long. I don't want to be taking loads of medications and getting dementia. Lots of my older relatives died fairly easily in their 70s or early 80s, but that's much rarer now. How are you preparing your own life for future ageing? And is anyone else thinking about trying to avoid medical interventions that keep us alive too long?

if you get dementia but are physically healthy you become a cash cow for an eldercare facility Yep. The Council pay low rates (can't afford to pay more) so the self funders make up the difference. You're not just paying for your care, you're paying for somebody else's too.

In my experience age wipes the memory of any intentions expressed when younger around expectations of care or wanting to go. I think there is a strong survival instinct that can make those we care for and about selfish and self centred despite them having gone through the same with their own relatives

I agree with you to some extent, with some people, in some circumstances, but there are also plenty of people who currently choose not to have - for example - treatment for cancer.
My Mum didn't want it. When hers was diagnosed it was very advanced and she was predicted that she had weeks, or a very few months to live. They offered her treatment which would have made her feel quite ill, but kept her breathing for some extra months. She didn't want to know. She wasn't interested in breathing for a number of extra months but being ill for all of it. We totally respected that, as did my Dad, but one of the Drs was quite shocked and tried to persuade her to have treatment she didn't want.
Three months ago, another friend of mine, in her 80s refused cancer treatment too, as she preferred the idea of dying sooner rather than stringing out some sort of 'existence' for another year or few months.
Advances in medicine should bring you options not force you to exist in pain or with complete loss of the opportunity to 'live'.

If you follow Dignity in Dying on Facebook, a lot of people tell their stories and you can't believe the cruel hardships some people have to go through.

I'm terrified of getting a stroke and becoming paralysed. I had a sleep paralysis few times in my life and I was so awful, I cannot imagine feeling like that for months or years! I intend to live my life fully now, while I'm still healthy, instead of waiting for retirement (which may never come).

MissMarple "One of the nurses who had been a nurse for several decades actually said to me how cruel it was and how in the early years, of her nursing career, some one like my cousin would be allowed to die"

Did they give her meds to keep her alive?

This is such an interesting thread. My mother in law had a stroke at 88. She had bemoaned the fact that she had lived too long for a while before that. She was struggling to cope with a husband in the early stages of dementia I think and had just had enough. She refused food in hospital and basically starved herself to death. This left my father-in-law living alone and bereaved after a very long marriage of 60 plus years. He ended up in a home and died a few months later.
It was heartbreaking that such a vital fun living couple died like that . It was tragic .
My father was diagnosed with terminal cancer yet had all the radiotherapy and chemo which mad him very sick. He was going to die anyway and utterly miserable. I just don’t see the point in treatment for a terminal prognosis.

@aramox
And is anyone else thinking about trying to avoid medical interventions that keep us alive too long? Absolutely. We're not meant to live forever...why would I want to be dribbling in a piss stained chair with some shite on the BBC waiting for someone 40 years younger to wipe my arse and change my nappy? Where's the quality of life? Ooh I lived to be 100....but 30 years were in a vegetative state 🙄
Don't expect my teen to be my carer, she'll have enough on her plate.
Don't want savings wasted on a sub level home.... When they could make life easier for her..

I have a relative who was a carer for a while for people mainly in their nineties. Most of them said they had had enough and wanted to go. Even though in their own homes with a carer coming in.

My dad got cancer in his 70s. He had it extremely rough, but I remember him saying 'just because you're old, doesn't mean you don't want to keep living.' When I was bringing him home from the office I heard him saying to one of the men 'you keep breathing okay? I want to see you next week.' They either secretly loved him or hated him, even on his depressed days he tried to keep other people's spirits up

That was hospice not office!!!

@stayathomer ahhh - sounds like he was a lovely chap

The question of DNACPR came up during my parents care assessment this week. I was a little surprised that both Mum and Dad said yes they would want whatever invasive medical intervention necessary. Even when it was explained in detail what this could involve. I guess it's often true about feelings changing as you get older.

Thanks for the link to Compassion in Dying, its an excellent website and their templates make it so easy.
A doctor once worked with commented that for DNACPR the question should be "should your heart stop beating because you have come to the end of your natural life, shall we break all your ribs and then electrocute you to see what happens?"
(No thanks!)
If I start to feel that my quality of life is going downhill at any point, and that I don't fancy getting any older I've decided I'm going to try all the Class A drugs I can get my hands on

My granny used to say, just slip a pill in my tea! But she lived on to age 89, demented and unhappy but in ok physical condition for years until she died. Murder was not an option, it turned out, however kindly it may have been meant.

Ive been reading a lot of stoic philosophy recently, and their approach to death is interesting in this context. The idea that the door is always open (suicide). I am trying to put myself at ease with this idea. To imagine what it would be like if one of my parents killed themselves, that they took the decision to do that. I’m not there yet, I can’t make room in my head for that yet.