The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I was saved by the care assistant on door duty who suggested I probably have some jobs to do. Our lovely nursing home manager said she could arrange to limit my visits to 30mins for as long as I wanted .

[shuffles back to place on bad daughters bench]

DM got a letter on Saturday to say her hospital check up was Tuesday at 4pm. I had to rearrange my work diary to put in a gap of two hours to collect her, etc. I asked the carer to have her ready to go at 3.30pm. I turn up and they are sat in the garden, DM then says she needs to sit down and have a rest, brush her teeth, etc. so that didn't work terribly well. I'd allowed for school traffic though and it was half term, so we got there on time as it was.

Hospital looked at the wound and said they want to see her in three weeks. It would be so much easier if I could just send them a photo!

GP have written saying she needs another blood test. I told the carer I am consciously ignoring that letter as I just can't keep taking hours off work at a time (she had two blood tests very recently, so I know it's just a follow up rather than anything urgent).

Nota The GP can send a nurse to take blood if they need it so badly, my mother's last two blood samples were taken at home. If you tell them that it is not possible for you to do it then other possibilities might emerge. MIL gets door to hospital patient transport but she would never has asked for it while the Knitter taxi service was an option. If the family can do it then the family are expected to do it but it's not always possible.

Dint it's difficult because I'd already used up all my "talking to strangers" conversation. Although it's my mum we now have no shared past, we can't talk about things we've done because for her they've never happened. It's all polite chit chat about the weather. She doesn't know anything about my life, not how many children I have, whether I work, where I live. I'm never entirely sure whether she knows I'm her daughter. There's so little of mum left now, dementia really is the long goodbye.

I tried hospital patient transport for DM once, and she forgot where she was etc and wandered off on her own for hours. At the point I was about to phone the police I found her at a bus stop.

Every time i take her to a hospital appointment now she points out the particular bus stop she was stood at for hours.

Her GP have done blood tests at home in the past, which I don't normally like to ask them to do as I don't want to burden them, but frankly it's just one thing too many for me to juggle at the moment.

Sorry to hear so many of you are having issues juggling elderly care.

nota I can relate to the never-ready mum situation. I got round to pick mine up for the dentist yesterday 45 minutes before her appointment (25 minute journey time) and nearly passed out with shock when she was completely ready to go.

Usually she's sat at her PC and needs to get shoes and jacket on, touch up her lipstick, ensure she has everything she needs in handbag, stock up her supplies of mint humbugs, go to the loo...

We are doing bizarrely well atm, which feels very strange and a bit wrong. I think the relief that dad is not longer suffering, and no longer constantly being on tenterhooks waiting for 'the call' has had a huge impact on my mental health. On the whole I'm sleeping better than I have done probably since Dad had his fall.

Had best friend round last night and showed her some photos I'd found of my dad and her mum together at social things when they were probably about out age (we met when when we were 4yo). We both had a little cry over those and my bit of the service, which I'm hoping to read but she will step in for me if necessary. The plans are now more or less in place, just celebrant to speak to tomorrow and registration which is actually being done my an old school friend of mine, who sent me a PM today to let me know it would be them dealing with it, which is quite comforting.

Mum had a different companion come today as 'L' is on leave, and although she was nervous got on with him well. She also took herself to see Dad and to the shops afterwards. I'm really quite proud and a bit gobsmacked at how well she's coping.

DD and I had a lovely day out for prom dress shopping and lunch.

I've posted on a couple of the bereavement threads on here but the people on them seem to be utterly desolate months after the death of their loved ones and I don't really fit.

Sounds like you and your DM are both doing really well minty.

Bereavement isn't a one size fits all thing, my experience of losing my dad (long, painful, drawn out death) was very different to losing my brother (very sudden, too young). And it's not especially linear either - there will be things that knock you on your arse when you are least expecting them.

Minty You feel how you feel, there isn't a right way to grieve and no-one gets to tell you how you should be feeling (not even you). The funeral is a transition, it's where the spotlight comes off you and you get to start on the next chapter of your life. I'm glad that you got to have some fun time with your daughter, I managed to have lunch with my son last week and it was lovely. I didn't feel that I was neglecting mum or worry about how many messages there would be on the answering machine when I got back.

Nota I don't think that MIL doesn't get the chance to wander with patient transport, the big selling point is that they take her from her chair to the reception of where she needs to be and the return is the same. On the other hand she's not very mobile so is happy to sit and wait for someone to fetch her. She's not happy that it's not me but I can't cope any more with the stress of non existent parking. She goes to hospitals that I don't know, at least when mum goes it's "my" hospital and I know every side street without parking restrictions.

Usually she's sat at her PC and needs to get shoes and jacket on, touch up her lipstick, ensure she has everything she needs in handbag, stock up her supplies of mint humbugs, go to the loo... If you were giving me a lift, I'd have my shoes on (because we're a shoes-on not a shoes-off household), but I'd still need to slip on a coat (because if I need it outside I'd be too hot inside), check that I'd got everything with me (it's what I do when I'm nervous), and even if I'd used the loo just before you arrived, my bladder would still be saying I need to go ... It's only the mint humbugs I wouldn't be bothered with.

OK, in theory I could be completely ready and sat by the front door - but my experience of other people's timekeeping is it's pretty rubbish, and I could be sitting there twiddling my thumbs for 20 mins. By which time I would need the loo again.

@MereDintofPandiculation

I think a lot of that is fair enough, particularly if you're not going somewhere time dependent.

But when she's got an appointment at a set time, that she will freak out if she's late for and she's not ready when I arrive to pick her up, it grates.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere Its so good to hear that you're going to get some counselling. I decided a few weeks ago that I would do the same. I have phone counselling once a fortnight from a lovely counsellor who gives me exercises to do between sessions. I sobbed on the phone in my first session. She's very blunt, almost her first words to me after I'd poured my heart out was "Your mother is a narcissist, whatever you do won't be enough for her". I sort of knew that but it was such a relief to hear someone validate my experience. Hopefully as I have more sessions I will learn to control the horrible FOG that I feel.

I do love my mum but she is a most exasperating person. I was with her this afternoon & evening and I don't think I heard her say a nice thing about anybody - or even a neutral thing. I wonder if she's always been so sour & dissatisfied or if its something that's come on her as she's got older. My DSis says she's always been the same but I have hardly any memories of my childhood or teenage years. Is that normal?

But when she's got an appointment at a set time, that she will freak out if she's late for and she's not ready when I arrive to pick her up, it grates.

Yeah, that's fair enough. In that situation, I would be on the doorstep, twitching, and resiting the urge to phone you to see where you'd got to

My DSis says she's always been the same but I have hardly any memories of my childhood or teenage years. Is that normal? Quite possibly. Family isn't your focus during teenage years

I have very few memories of DCs, just a serious of "snapshots". Found and enchanting picture of DS2, such a lovely smile. Why don't I have more memories of that delightful little boy? (Probably because most of the time he was being a stubborn little monste)

@Ieatmarmite
I have hardly any memories of my childhood or teenage years. Is that normal?

I have some lovely memories of childhood but I would say that my abiding feeling about my childhood was that I was bored! I had to be "on display" a lot of the time, it was rude to hide in my room if we had visitors, I couldn't read a book if we had visitors. And we had a LOT of visitors. I think that is partly why I crave solitude now!

I have my first appointment with the counsellor on the 21st, it's a five minute walk from my front door. I am panicking about how I will get out without my mother knowing and how I will cope with her quizzing me when I get back! As someone mentioned a couple of weeks back, it is similar to an abusive relationship. She wants so much control over my life. I was a good child/teen and never rebelled against her. Now I am nearly 60 and still being treated like a child.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere Are you able to go out to do stuff without her - meet friend, go to a class or the gym etc. My mother doesn't know i see a counsellor but its easy for me cos I don't live with her, but in any event its a private part of my life and she doesn't need to know about it. Are you able to keep things private or does she need to know everything?

The trouble is, for me at any rate, is that I find myself becoming secretive about things or telling white lies & that's something I don't like very much about myself. Would you tell a white lie & tell her you've started to go to an an art group/philosophy discussion group or whatever? Or just that you're calling round to see a friend? Your privacy should be respected but sadly some of our mothers think they have the right to trample all over our boundaries.

Hairbrush I think it's time for you to start walking for the good of your health. You've got plenty of time before the 21st to build up to stopping out for hours at a time at random times. "I went for a walk" won't be a lie because you will have walked to your appointment.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere
I think knot’s walking idea is spot on. I totally understand where you are coming from and I hope it goes well. My teenage rebellion has really just started, and I’m nearly 50, never to late to start apparently. I’ve started confiding in a good friend and she has been through similar, it helps to have a safe space.

The trouble is once she is up she is totally dependent on me to get to the bathroom, turn on the tv, help her with the phone. She is furious if I go out without telling her. She actually said to me "I expect you to tell me if you are going out - I need you!" It really isn't normal is it?

She wants me by her side from the moment she gets up until the moment she goes to bed. Today she was cross because I wouldn't stay to have lunch with her - even though I had been with her for an hour, was coming back later for the afternoon and in the past half hour since I came home she has phoned me to ask when I am coming back with dinner to spend the evening with her.

Oh good Lord hairbrush that sounds horrendous! I really have no idea how you do it.

I can't remember...are there no siblings? Would she consider a companion some of the time?

Like others here I toed the line when I was teenager, and although my boundaries aren't great now, they are better. I have to keep reminding myself that I didn't leave a controlling husband at the age of 40 only for my mother to take over.

She messaged me this morning bemoaning the fact the ten days in no-one was calling her anymore.

I've been here Monday, briefly Tuesday followed by a couple of friends visiting, companion came yesterday and two of her friends called her, I'm back today and tomorrow morning, and one of yesterday's callers is planning to spend the day with her on Saturday.

As an introvert I am totally baffled as to how anyone could possible want even more company .

Hairbrush no, that is not normal but you knew that didn't you?

I was a rebellious teen, and I think that was seen by my parents for what it was - my rejection of their values.

I have been attempting to trace my family tree recently, and it has brought home to me how nasty and judgemental my parents were about everyone. I'm been trying to work out whether a particular branch of the family was in fact family or family friends. When I asked DM about the person who may or may not be a cousin, she said how nasty he was as a child, spoilt, horrible character, etc. (He struggled with his sexuality, eventually killing himself).

For those with narcissists around them, I try practicing grey rock when she comes out with stuff like that and I just don't respond. She knows I am judging her though, and claims it's because I give myself airs and graces. I'm also an introvert, but I am a huge lefty, and really struggle with the prejudice.

Just phoned to make sure all was ok tonight but didn’t get past hello, and not a “how are you?” before I got “well before we go any further, can you or (my) DH or DC cut the grass this weekend, might have goats in it for all I know.” Ok so my sibling has graced her with a phone call and I’m not doing enough!
@notaflyingmonkey what is grey stone .
I have already said, actually offered last Sunday to do it but we’ve all been working this week. They refuse to get a gardener although they can afford it, was hard enough to get a cleaner agreed. Don’t get me started on the money side, I don’t want an inheritance, just spend if you need to, keep some for care costs but I don’t want it - “ah but your sibling does, they probably need it more than you, don’t be so selfish BaronessSchrader, you can do my garden in a day”
Rant over. Might have a wee glass of red before bed. Hope you are all doing ok, to you all, I know a lot of you have it much harder than me, I don’t have to do day to day personal care, hats off to all of you who are on call 24 hours.

Registered Dad's death this afternoon...medical certificate says Frailty of Old Age. I guess there are worse ways to go.

The 90 minute Skype with celebrant this evening who is lovely.

Feeling utterly wrung out now.

Dear Minty. take care of yourself, that is such a hard thing to do.

Thanks @BaronessSchrader today has definitely been the toughest since day 1.

I found when organising funerals that once the initial burst of activity was over, it all starts to get real. Talking with the celebrant etc means dwelling on feelings about the loved one, rather than crossing a task off a list.

Hopefully you can get some time out this weekend Minty to do something restful.