The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I get the evening from 9 o'clock ish when the carer comes and I make sure I have an hour or two every day to do my OU course. In the afternoons she will phone me and ask me to come and see her because she is bored.

She is nearly blind and has very little feeling in her fingers so can't actually do anything other than watch tv (although I was shocked yesterday how little she can see of the screen) and she can talk. If chatting was an Olympic sport she would be a gold medallist. But I have noticed that she can not cope with a roomful of people anymore. My daughter is home from university and my other daughter who cleans for her twice a week stayed on to have dinner with us. As the girls were laughing and joking I noticed mum just zone out and switch off from the general conversation and then she decided she had to phone my cousin there and then even though she had a room full of people so we all sat quietly while she rang my cousin! It seemed to be her way of having a bit of control when she feels that everything is taken from her.

I have scored brownie points today though by phoning the optician and arranging for her to have an eye test at home. She will only see one particular optician (his parents were friends of hers many years ago) and he is the only one in the company who does home visits - a win/win situation!

How is her hearing Hairbrush? If you can't hear well then the noise from multiple people talking makes it difficult to pick out what any one of them is saying.

I have brownie points today, I have taken mum to my house, the supermarket and the library. By the time she calls at bored o'clock I'm expecting her to tell me that she's not seen a soul all day.

Right on cue, you couldn't make it up with the timing. Am I coming over and she's not seen a soul all day. My hat goes off to all of you caring for people with dementia, I don't know how you do it.

knot that is so hard. No answers. But 🌺🌺.
hairbrush there has got to be a way of getting more freedom and a holiday- respite care a good call.
If it possible to get sitters etc from local charities?
Hope everyone else is doing ok.

I like the idea of "bored o'clock". I will tell my husband that one. It is only the predictability and laughter that keeps me going.

My uncle and cousin are with her that the moment. All vaccinated. My uncle has been quite poorly and the GP has said to him that he needs to interact with people for the sake of his mental health so my cousins and I are encouraging him to visit us as he feels safe with my mum as she doesn't leave the house.

I honestly don't know if the stress of her going into respite would be worth the relief of being able to go away. In an ideal world my daughter would care for her which she did do when we took the youngest to university but to do the holiday we would want would take a week which is a lot to ask of her, especially as she and her husband have his two children a couple of nights a week.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere that sounds so bloody hard. You need some time away from her or your own mental health will suffer. Respite sounds like a plan!
Took nans cast off on Thursday - we had to do it at home. Shes just got a wrist support on now so is finding things a little easier. Thank god...I'm down to visiting every other day now which I'm finding more manageable. The other days she has meals on wheels. Took her to hospital for her ENT appointment which went fine - he couldn't see anything wrong (much to her disgust!!!)

Well after a good start with DM back home, things have taken a more messy turn..incontinence!! She was complaining of constipation over the weekend so the carers administered laxatives. It had the desired effect and she seemed to be getting back to normal.

However, today, I had a distressed call to tell me she had had an accident all over the lounge carpet. Luckily a carer had just arrived! Mum said she didn't even know she had done it. Poor carer cleaned up, sounded grim but she seemed not to mind. I've just had to fly up to Asda and pick up Tena pants, waterproof sheet and disposable pads for chairs as she says she will not sleep tonight for worry. 30 minute drive each way to drop them off..really hope this is a one off and not the beginning of permanent incontinence! Should I contact the GP do you think or see how it goes?

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I do hope you can get some respite from your DM, sounds exhausting.

I can't imagine mum's carers would deal with incontinence. She had an episode in the summer which led to me throwing out the chair cushion and my husband borrowing the industrial carpet cleaner from his work. I also had to unblock the toilet ......

I use puppy pads when mum is unreliable. They are not as big as the incontinence pads but a lot cheaper.

Oh blimey @OnthePiste what's her diet like? Perhaps the carers overdid the laxative? Result that they were there for both ends of the problem though .

Lactulose is good for softening things up without producing dramatic effects and make sure she's drinking enough if you can.

At least she will wear pads. My mum suffers with urinary incontinence - knows when she needs to go but can't hold on. Cue constant conversations about how she's not going to make it etc - it's like a Harry Enfield sketch. She has the bloody things on the NHS by the box load.

Today I stepped back a little. Came home from the school run and did some chores and gardening before going round for lunch. I then made the mistake of mentioning that my friend and I are planning a couple of nights camping later in the summer to which her response was "Well if you're going to be going away for whole weekends I shall have to have dad home..."

Pointed out that two days/nights with me less than an hours drive away should be perfectly manageable and reminded her that I'm off to Yorkshire for a fortnight next summer.

She's determined that buying in a full time companion would be a better option than moving to supported housing (aka...do what I want or I'll spend your inheritance).

Anyway the few digs aside it has been a good day.

hairbrush I am the world's worst for standing up for myself and my needs, but you really should have a break. As I pointed out to mum re the above convo, even people with demanding, highly paid full time jobs are entitled to annual leave (and God knows caring is at least as stressful).

If, heaven forbid, you were taken ill or had to have surgery, she would have to cope with someone else providing care or having a spell in respite accommodation.

I know the feeling around such a situation are different but the end result is the same.

Wouldn't it be great if we could just get our GPs to sign us off our caring duties for a couple of weeks.

Minty does she know that she doesn't get a full time companion as they had in the Agatha Christie books? It's not the 1920s any more, these days they get time off so it's not one full time minion but a team of them working shifts.

Was she seriously suggesting that she'd move your dad just so she'd have some company? Wow.

Grrrrrrr. Just walked out on my mother. I said I'd go round today & if it was nice we'd sit in the garden.

I've been feeling quite poorly since Friday - sick when I eat - so my Consultant prescribed anti nausea tablets but I can't drive after I've had one cos they make me so sleepy. Anyway I digress - today I thought I'll make some ginger tea instead & by the time I'd made & drunk that I was running 20 minutes late. Then I got caught in school traffic & a journey that should have taken 20 -25 minutes took nearly 50.

Got to where my mum lives to be greeted with a face that would freeze hell over followed by tears because she wanted to go to the garden centre & now it was too late. She couldn't hear what I was saying so I asked why she wasn't wearing her hearing aid. I took her to have her ears syringed last week & now apparently she can hear everything clearly. I wasn't really in the mood for this - I feel sick, dizzy, tired. She is missing most of what people are saying & is making up the rest - I told her she isn't hearing whats being said & her answer was "why is always my fault - its you who talks funny so I can't understand".

If I wasn't so exhausted I'd cry.

@Knotaknitter

Minty does she know that she doesn't get a full time companion as they had in the Agatha Christie books? It's not the 1920s any more, these days they get time off so it's not one full time minion but a team of them working shifts.

Was she seriously suggesting that she'd move your dad just so she'd have some company? Wow.

She has some knowledge of how it works as her friend has one.

However, said friend is significantly wealthier, has a physically and mentally debilitating medical condition, and tragically has no family. She is an only child and lost both her husband and only son (my 'first love') in the space of 18 months about 5 years ago .

Mum is a great one for aspiring to live like those better endowed with either money or family members without actually registering that her circumstances are very different.

A bit like a petulant toddler who whines 'but whyyyyy?' over and over again when you tell them they can't have something.

(((Hugs))) @Ieatmarmite

I think the lack of appreciation is sometimes the worst bit.

I wonder if there's some kind of chemical imbalance in old age that causes extreme selfishness?

It doesn't help that my siblings and I can't actually tell her the truth about illnesses or problems we have.

If I'd told her I felt sick because I have ongoing complications from major surgery she would tell us all how she couldn't sleep with worry, how ill I'd made her feel because she was worrying so much, how she couldn't eat with worry etc. Not being able to tell her stuff makes it so difficult - I want to be able to text & say I'm not feeling well today I need to stay home without having to deal with her anxiety etc which is exhausting in itself. Instead I try to soldier on. I know that's not good for me - I'm not meant to carry anything heavy but I traipse round supermarkets carrying bags with the weight of her hanging on to my arm then half lifting her in & out of the car because to say "I can't do this" would have her either crying because she can't go out (like a child being told they can't have an ice cream) or I'd never hear the last of her only having 2 hours sleep for the last week because she worries so much.

Sorry to write so much but I know people at Cockroach Cafe will understand how I can feel so angry & frustrated about someone I love & care about.

Minty, I suspect these people have always been selfish but its only when we have to work really closely with them for long periods, that we realise it. I'd love to have a mum who was supportive, listened to me, helped me resolve things etc. Since I was old enough to start being my own person my mum has used either guilt or bad temper to try & manipulate me. Strangely, even though I know it, I can't seem to escape it.

Since I was old enough to start being my own person my mum has used either guilt or bad temper to try & manipulate me. Strangely, even though I know it, I can't seem to escape it.

Exactly the same here. My mum was a great mum until the likelihood of me being independent loomed large, and tbf she still has her moments now. If we're both in the right frame of mind we do sometimes have a really good laugh and we can and do talk to each other about anything and everything (not always a good thing!)

I know a lot of her issues stem from some very difficult events in her childhood but there is still no reason why I should let them take over my life as well as hers.

Easy to say when I'm not in the thick of it and I'm feeling rational...

Tbh my aforementioned 'first love' passing away (it was completely out of the blue, he was only 39) was the kick up the backside I needed to realises that life really is too short and leave my marriage...I'd known we wouldn't last the distance for years already at that point.

I didn't go through everything then to prevent a life of being controlled by XH, only for mum to step in and take his place.

@Ieatmarmite what a horrible situation.

@MintyCedric Exactly the same here. My mum was a great mum until the likelihood of me being independent loomed large, and tbf she still has her moments now. If we're both in the right frame of mind we do sometimes have a really good laugh and we can and do talk to each other about anything and everything (not always a good thing!)

I could have written the above myself. I do love my mum but she has become so manipulative and so demanding now I am all she has.

The biggest thing for me is the inability/refusal to see anything from my point of view. Especially as she was always full of admiration for my aunts (her sister and sister in law) who both cared for elderly parents and said time and time again "I could never be a carer". Yet she thinks I should care for her without any issues.

My mum was a SAHM for a long, long time and went to my Grandma's everyday to help her with her housework, shopping etc. I don't think she understands why I don't go visit her everyday. At least once a week she tells me she loved her mother & wanted to go and help her out, as if the fact that I don't go everyday means I don't love her. The fact that she is living in a house where there are 5 other people who tend to her every need, & that she has no housework or shopping that she has to do, doesn't seem to cut any ice.

@Ieatmarmite

My mum says exactly the same thing.

She lived with her mum until she was nearly 40 (got married at 34 - she and dad bought the house they had been renting for years so nan remained in situ; had me at 36, and moved when I was 2.5. She wanted nan to come with us but dad put his foot down and she's never forgiven him).

I'm off to the eye clinic this morning and was hoping for a bonus day off. Last night I said "see you tomorrow...oh or speak to you as I've got my eye procedure".

She said "Well I hope I will see you otherwise I'll not see you until Thursday" (she will just have today on her own, L is in for 3 hours tomorrow).

I've said she's welcome to pop round to me if she wants some company, but I am absolutely not going round there.

I had a minor drama - I was pruning a plant in my father’s garden, and there was a loud bang. Careful examination revealed I’d cut through an electric cable. Further examination revealed that the cable came out of the front door of the garage, ran round three sides of the greenhouse, and back in through the back door of the garage.

Why didn’t he run the cable inside the garage? Or between garage and greenhouse? In both cases, because it was too awkward and narrow a gap for him to get through. So why didn’t he ask one of us to do it? Probably because we’d have come up with all sorts of ideas for how to do it better or why it didn’t need doing at all, and he just wanted to get on with it with no fuss. All makes perfect sense looked at from that point of view.

I think being alone a lot, with lots of minor health niggles, tends to focus one’s mind inwards. So unawareness of other’s problems more than not caring about them.

Motherhood’s a funny thing. You go from being the centre of the universe to being less important than everyone else in you child’s life (partners, friends, children, pets), and that’s how it should be. Intellectually you are pleased and proud at their independence, but emotionally it still hurts. Perhaps if we were still having 14 children it’d be easier. Either that or we’d be so tired as to be past caring.

Mum has become incapable of seeing my viewpoint, I am her world, all she has so it should be the same for me too. We could be walled up together and she'd be perfectly happy. When she was my age, dad had just retired and they were never at home. Holidays at the drop of a hat, coach trips, days out - no pets, no kids, and no responsibilities. I'd been looking forward to the day when it was my time for that, when the beloved dog died I didn't get another because I knew that once my son was at university I would be wanting the freedom.

At the moment I'm happy to keep on as we are, the phone service runs 7.30am -8.30pm with a two hour a day visit. Once restrictions lift in May and the hotels and museums open it will be a different matter.

Knot your mum sounds so like mine it's uncanny...we will have to fight the great fight for our freedom together.

On another note...is there any greater torture than being a misophonia sufferer having to listen to a geriatric with false teeth eat cereal and banana before they've had their first coffee?

there are no emoticons to do this justice

Minty - at least the teeth are in. It is when they are lost and I’ve got to search for them, ditto waxy hearing aid. Shudders.....

@MintyCedric
Nan rang me at work this morning to ask where I was as she thought I was coming round...yes when I finish work at 2 as arranged. When I got there she thrust a letter about her hospital appointment at me saying she didnt understand it and said she felt like throwing herself out the window. Not if I throw her out of it first believe me I explained the letter, made tea and made her a dentist appointment. She told me shes cancelling meals on wheels cos its 'horrible'. Then it was time to go and get the kids from school so I expect she isnt happy with that length of visit.
I need a stiff drink....