The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

She was complaining the other day that I don't go round as much when dad isn't there Oh dear. I'd be so tempted to say "well you're not dying, are you?" (but I hope I would resist it). Unfortunately Knot may be right with her analysis.

The mini laundry basket that I fitted with the red washing bags got short shrift. I bit the bullet and explained it was for 'soiled' clothing, towels, etc, which got my head bitten off 'I'm not there yet!' despite the very obvious evidence to the contrary. So I have left it 'just in case' and suspect that I will be handed it back on my next visit.

In other news, she seems to have been persuaded of the value of wearing the disposable pants at night. Not that she needs them, obvs. So a visit of gains and losses.

I am confused about mum's care. On Thursday she had a visit from the lady in the office who did her six monthly review. She didn't tell me she was there but my daughter arrived to clean and contributed to make sure that mum didn't pull the wool over her eyes.

She has now been assessed as not needing personal care although if I am there she asks me to help her change her underwear which I hate. But she is getting dressed and claiming to wash before the carers arrive so she doesn't need the help.

Today the carer said that there is talk of mum having more carers. I'm not sure if she means that mum needs two carers at night of if they are thinking of extra visits which I would love as it would give me the opportunity to go out.

I was trying to say to mum that she doesn't realise the amount of help she needs and she is insisting that she could do more but I don't let her. I would like nothing more than for her to get up and turn the lights on so I don't need to do it or for her to pour herself a drink without half the bottle going on the floor and the phone and everywhere else but she won't have it.

I was in trouble yesterday. I went to the opticians and grocery shopping - I took her to the loo first and settled her back in her chair with the phone and something suitable on tv. But I couldn't tell her exactly when I would be home. I really didn't know! We came home from the supermarket, brought the shopping in, put it away and I had a cup of tea then she rang me "Where are you?" (I had to be home. She rang the landline!) "You didn't tell me you were back!" I don't how she missed me walking past her - it took us two trips to bring all the shopping in. Perhaps I should have phoned her but I actually wanted to put the shopping away without having to run up and down the stairs to go out to her in the middle of it.

Nan had her first meals on wheels today and she liked it!! I'm amazed - I thought she would dismiss it. That's one less thing to worry about because she often says she cant be bothered to have lunch. She was in good spirits when I dropped her shopping off and had got dressed herself and done her hair. I'm relieved she is regaining her independence. She is actually amazing for 95 - I was so worried this broken arm would be the beginning of the end. My sis is on holiday all week and I'm working a full say tomorrow so she will have to be on her own. My niece (17) may pop in so I'm sure she will be ok. Hope everyone had a good day - thinking of those who are struggling xx

Hi I've been absent this week, settling DM back in her house after 6 weeks respite. After a shaky start (barely able to walk, extremely anxious of being on her own) she is doing really well and getting stronger by the day. Her Alzheimers meds must be working as she is almost back to her usual self with just the normal amount of confusion for an 87 year old!

I've paid for an hour or 2 extra care every day, SS are providing 4 x 1 hour visits so she is never on her own more than 2 hours at a time. She is sleeping well and although she calls several times a day, nothing like the 35+ times prior to her admission!

Hope everyone is okay, anyone been shopping or to the hairdressers yet?

I'm in Wales and I went to the hairdresser a fortnight a go. I went shopping today though. First time in a charity shop for a year. I bought a top, a skirt and a necklace all for a fiver!

Mum was really upset this morning, the carer had been "off" with her last night. I felt that she wasn't happy when she arrived but if mum's recollection is correct then she was quite unpleasant. Previously this carer has gone above and beyond to be helpful but last night she was complaining about having to push mum in the wheelchair and saying that it was bad for her back. I know that was said because I was there at that point.

She's not due again until Wednesday which happens to be the day my daughter comes home from University so I am going to cancel for Wednesday night so we can have dinner in peace and not worry that the carer is going to arrive while we're eating. Hopefully by the next time she comes everything will be forgiven and forgotten.

Morning, is there space at the table for another? I hope today is a good day for all of you.
I’ve lurked for a while but decided to name change and take the plunge.
My parents are both over 80 and still live on their own, 30 minute drive from me and fortunately have helpful neighbours (surprisingly). I feel awful writing this but I find them exhausting, mostly dad to be fair. Dad made parts of my childhood hell, short story - as a result of his actions I did not have a lot of local friends (nothing illegal, he just didn’t get on with neighbours). I’ve not mentioned it, or thought about it for a long time but it has all come back during COVID, just when they need more care and it has fallen on me. I just feel very resentful at the moment, love them but really don’t like dad, and feel so guilty. Just needed to vent really.

Takes handbag off chair and places it on the floor between my feet

I have found that the lovely ladies here are always happy to make room even when I have been absent for months.

Sounds so hard with your dad. I love my mum dearly and the thought of losing her is heartbreaking but it is such hard work. It must be so hard if you don't have good memories to build on. My dad died 8 years ago. He went down hill over the course of a couple of months, went into hospital and never came home. He was caring for my mum right up until the day he lost his sight and agreed to me calling the doctor.

I think everyone feels resentment and guilt. It seems to go with the territory.

Thanks Ithink, I’ve now settled down with a cup of tea and will have a wee break before I start work again. Not sure why it’s got to me today.
Sorry about your dad, lovely that he managed to care for your mum like that.
My dad will half heartedly try to help my mum but is too happy for her to run after him given the chance. I have wondered if he is depressed but that suggestion didn’t go down well!

Dear Baroness, that sounds hard to have it fall on you when you still have the hurt from the past.

Dear cafe, I have just spent over an hour putting mum's tv on from on afar and I used the f-word. She just wouldn't listen because "all this technology is beyond me" etc and kept talking over the top of me. I began to sound more and more like my brother as my patience was more depleted and then.. I did I swored. She took it fine but man I could not then deal with, having now both picture and sound (when due to her cognitive decline she is worse than a man down if you ignore the distance and her eventually giving in and listening to my repeated barking of instructions) the subsequent moaning about all the buttons being in black, and the remote was black and... so I told her I loved her and said goodbye. Rather firmly. Could anyone recommend an easy to deal with remote control or perhaps indicate false dawns they have had in similar circs so I know what not to purchase? Working with an old Phillips TV here.

Following with interest. Does your mum have Sky Q?

Firstruleofsoupover
Both Doro and Nedis sell remote controls for seniors. Don't know how functional, I've only tried the Doro phones for seniors.

m.alza.co.uk/nedis-for-seniors-21-d6285750.htm

I was recommended the better life website, part of Lloyds pharmacy although the remote control we have is still in a box as they are apparently for old people, they have a Sony tv which they like.
Best thing I ever got for them, that was accepted, was a hot water machine which avoids the need to boil a kettle.

Hi Ithink, mum doesn't have Sky at all. Thank you Strudsespark for the link - will have a look as phone side of matters is also a long-standing frustration.

Baroness I did not know Better Life was part of Lloyds. Interesting perhaps they have something I may look into.

Thanks.

Baroness It's an expanding table we have here, we just stick another leaf in it. There's always room for another.

I can do tv diagnosis at a distance but it's not hard because I know what mum usually does wrong. I have no ideas for tv remotes other than they are Satan's plaything and should all be run over by steamrollers. My mother has never had any problem solving skills because she had dad for that, "it doesn't work" covers everything, she could never work out whether it was unplugged, switched off or genuinely broken.

Today has been my first day off since The Day The Car Blew Up which is about three months ago. I am certain I will regret it tomorrow after she's had two days "tidying up" where she puts important things in random places. She can't starve to death in a day and a day's missed medication won't do any harm either. If it did she'd already be dead as she'd stopped taking them altogether for weeks before I rumbled her.

Her first response to hearing that my son is returning to uni - "good, you'll be able to come and sleep in my spare bedroom". There are two things that I am prepared to make a stand on, one is that she's finished driving and the other is that I am not moving back in.

Another lurker and name changer shimmying over with her chair to join you. I have a DF who doesn't really need care as yet, persuaded him to get a cleaner last year as the house was a tip. He still drives and can shop for himself. Small stay in hospital last year but on top of things now with meds. I did not have the best relationship with him growing up, he was very authoritarian and what Baroness said about lack of friends resonates with me, we lived rurally and my DM didn't drive so he was just choosy about where and who he would give me a lift to. Nothing is ever his fault and there is always implied criticism. But there's just me & a pile of FOG. I just need to say to you what I can't voice out loud, Covid, lockdown and all that has really suited me, 5 minute visits on the doorstep on average every couple of days, dropping off some baking or a puzzle book has actually done my mental well-being (where he's concerned) a lot of good. I don't want to go back to not having an excuse not to take him if I'm going out somewhere, to him being able to come into our home and just sit there expecting waitress service.
DH acts as a buffer and DF is always better behaved when he's around but his own dad is getting to the point of needing more care. FIL moved into a retirement flat in his town (about 50 miles away) about 5 years ago, would not entertain any suggestion that maybe as he was moving he might like to be nearer us - DH is also an only child. But no he knew best, the frequency of trouble-shooting visits is increasing at an alarming rate. Always something really simple, the latest was remote- control related. Got the call at 9pm that tv had stopped working that morning, yes he'd tried changing batteries, so we changed out plans so DH could go over next morning to find that the new batteries were wrong way round and that turning them round was indeed all that was needed. If FIL had called when it happened we might've been able to get the caretaker to have a look or DH could've gone that evening but for some reason 9pm is the best time to call for anything.
Anyway, nothing like what some of you are dealing with but I feel like I'm sitting in the car at the top of the rollercoaster, past the point where I can say I wanna get off but really not wanting to do the ride, and I can't just screw my eyes shut and repeat "it's just a minute and you'll be on solid ground, just a minute out your life".

chester that is exactly how I describe it too...the world's shittiest roller coaster.

I am grateful (I think) that mum is just round the corner.

Dad appears to be doing really well physically at the home, and spent some 'quality time' with mum today...chat, lunch, potter round big supermarket and neighbouring little shops then home for tea and doughnut.

Chores relatively under control and dinner just leftovers from last night and salad...even have a glass on naice red left and then going to finish Line of Duty season 5 and knit some more of dad's fiddle blanket.

It all feels a little too calm right now.

Hi Chester
I recognise where you are coming from, I feel a lot better for just saying those things I can’t say in RL, Enjoy your wine Minty, I’m having my dinner made for me tonight, and as my teenager is cooking I think a gin may be in order.

Thanks for the seat at your table.

Minty It all feels eerily calm here too. I know that I'm just one fall away from the circus of ambulance/NHS/falls clinic but right here, right now it is fine. I have been defending my boundaries against the encroachment of MIL's care because one granny with dementia is enough for me. The family have choices, step forward and sort out some care or call in social services and say that there is no-one who can assist this vulnerable person but at the moment no-one seems willing to do anything at all. I am waiting for the next emergency hospital admission, it will need a crisis for anything to change.

Chester I understand you! Much as I love my dad, I own to disappointment when the nursing home announced it was opening for visits again. I'm not sure I'm going to go back to my two hours three times a week schedule - 15 minutes once a week is far more manageable. He tries so hard, but his speech is now so slow - he forgets what he wants to say and repeats the sentence so far. And I'm not a patient person.

When Dad was still at home, my routine response was "well, I can't do anything now, I'll have a look when I come over tomorrow". "I can't come round now, I've had a drink" was also very useful.

Welcome all- plenty of room here and vent away! We get it! Completely agree re roller coaster- one call away from chaos.
knot glad your ds is able to get back to uni- just taken dd back today. Will miss youth and positivity!
minty glad your dad Is getting the regular care he needs.

@chesterelly my nan used to live a 2 hour round trip away but we insisted that she move closer. It just wasn't possible to be driving there in an emergency with kids and jobs to juggle. She has never quite forgiven us but I often remind her that the alternative was being alone all week long whilst now either me, my sister or our older kids can pop in for a coffee several times a week and we can be there within 5 minutes when needed.

notaflyingmonkey I am quietly horrified by the poo theme, you have dealt with it with an admirable calm. I would not be dealing, I’m not that tough.

Piste I have been to the hairdressers! Feel a bit more human.

Hairbrush I hope you and daughter have time for yourselves as well as coping with your mum and her carers.

Baroness, I think caring for elderly parents is logistically hard given the way families live now and because women were doing so much of the hidden care before, so it can be tiring and frustrating in itself, even if you’re mainly doing admin like me. But I also think that if we weren’t as attached to, nurtured by, cared for as much as we needed by our parents then it’s especially hard when they need care.

Knot there was a specific moment when DM Had to Stop Driving when she was 86. I was in the car at the time. She failed to judge the distance of an approaching car before attempting to clear a mini-roundabout resulting in a very cross bloke ploughing into her nearside rear. The insurance company gave her the fault and wrote her car off which was a blessing.

Her TV has ‘gone black’ again today. But I had a phone call from the nice man from the posh caring agency and they are ready to roll when I can get down there in three weeks. I was so concerned they’d be full, and when he rang I nearly offered to marry him (he'd be horrified, he sounds fairly young). Now it’s a case of keeping DM on the rails by phone til then.

Minty I just caught up with Sunday’s episode – Mother of God!

Binary I'm playing catch up...just started the last episode of series 5. That DSI Carmichael is a piece of work!

What made me post - I saw my mum yesterday she had just been out to the pharmacy (I was very pleased with that), however, I realised she had no socks or tights on. I know she can’t bend but dad has always helped her before. I asked her what was going on but she ignored my concerns and said all was well. I called her last night, she said it has been going on for a while, dad isn’t very good at helping any more (apparently) but it is the first time I’ve caught her. She said she will ask him to start helping her again. Fingers crossed.