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Elderly parents

What do you wish you had got in place earlier?

102 replies

TeenPlusTwenties · 11/01/2021 08:39

My DPs have got 'old' overnight.
Well obviously not, but they have been managing fine in lockdown with our remote support, and have always been independent and self sufficient. Dad (90) was clearing gutters in September, they were doing bonfires etc. Mum (84) is CEV and gets puffed out quickly.

He had to be in hospital unexpectedly for 4 days last week, and it has brought it home to him and us how fragile their 'independent' life is.

They have powers of attorney & wills in place.

But what else?

  • a stair lift as Mum wouldn't have been able to cope if Dad had had to be in bed when he got out?
  • they'll need a weekly cleaner/housekeeper when pandemic lifts a bit to help with cleaning, laundry etc
  • they aren't good with mobile phones, but will be more motivated now as Dad could hardly drive the phone when in hospital
  • downstairs bathroom would be good but complicated to arrange, especially right now. Dad drew up plans 2 years ago but Mum didn't want to...

Should we set up for online banking and organise so my DB or I can do it? Or should we encourage getting the POA going now to do it formally?

What are the stupid small things that are a pain to organise at a rush from a distance but with a bit more time would be easy?

We last did this 15 years ago with PIL, but we could see them weekly, and they had already downsized to a bungalow. Plus we were younger, not in a pandemic and didn't have children then.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 11/01/2021 08:43

Is there any chance of them moving closer to either DB or you?

StylishMummy · 11/01/2021 08:46

Get a POA drawn up while they both have capacity - then pass this on to all banks/financial institutions now

Do they have an up to date will in place?

Talk to them about what they'd like their late years to look like, sheltered accommodation, own home with caters, a nursing home etc? Don't shy away from the conversation

Find all their accounts and talk to them about keeping the records together - I work in finance and dozens of lost passbooks are unearthed every year in house clearances

Do they have any pets?

Then discuss whether they'd move closer to you or DB

TeenPlusTwenties · 11/01/2021 08:49

I think no moving right now unless things get critical. We are still in 'enabling independence in own home' phase.

If there was only one of them then yes. But this is their house for nearly 60 years, they have good neighbours, my aunt is in same town. It is a good place to 'self isolate'.

OP posts:
TeenPlusTwenties · 11/01/2021 08:53

Stylish All of that is mainly done already, bar whether to move near myself of DB (in opposite directions). That discussion has been had but is now out of date really.

We haven't executed POA so maybe that is needed to have in place. Record keeping Mum is v. organised and practically every visit in the last few years has involved showing me the filing system Smile

OP posts:
TeenPlusTwenties · 11/01/2021 08:55

Any stupid little things?
I am thinking electric beds or chairs, rearranging kitchen, getting in trolley etc

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 11/01/2021 09:00

Are they eating properly, still cooking their own meals? How is shopping being done at the moment?

Lemonpiano · 11/01/2021 09:01

NRS healthcare are a disability aids supplier. It might be worth a browse of their website to see if any of the many gadgets would be useful. Even if you source it elsewhere, there is such a variety across different parts of daily life that it might help you identify some areas that could be made easier.

Do they still cook or use readymeals?

Lemonpiano · 11/01/2021 09:03

Do they have a care alarm and a keysafe?

CMOTDibbler · 11/01/2021 09:04

I had this in place, but I can't stress the importance of getting PoAs in place enough. Everything is so much easier when you have to talk to the hospital/social worker etc and you have it.
I found an independent carer for my parents, and she was what kept them at home as she had the time and flexibility to gently nag my dad into getting his hair cut, help him with a shopping list when it became apparent he was just buying the same things all the time, tell me when mum needed new underwear, and source a cleaner and gardener when they needed that. At times they had agency carers when one of them needed several actual care visits everyday, and though they did a good job (btw, do your research and find a recommended agency before the wheels fall off so you don't have to make a quick decision), it wasn't the loving care they got from the long term relationship.
It is worth making crisis plans. No one wants to talk about it, but I had to talk about what would happen to mum when dad died (she had dementia) and though he hated the conversation I felt better when I had to carry out the plans. An advance directive is essential (again, no one wants it, but when you are asked to make decisions you feel better).
Getting a list of accounts, shares etc etc really would have helped.
Have a list of local pest control, plumbers, roofers gleaned from recommendation via your aunt so you know who to call in an emergency
Depressing, but true: find out which funeral directors they would like to use. You don't get as much time to decide this as you might think, and I was very glad of my list of important numbers that I'd written out previously when dad died suddenly and I was in charge

ineedaholidaynow · 11/01/2021 09:05

Are they still managing getting in and out of shower/bath?

Do they have pendant alarm type things?

AlohaMolly · 11/01/2021 09:05

Do they have some sort of an alarm? Like if your mum went out for the day and your mum fell in a room without a phone? There are (I think) buttons or alarms that you can buy.

Cupoftchaiagain · 11/01/2021 09:08

Stairlifts take an age to assess and fit so if finances allow get that done.

picklemewalnuts · 11/01/2021 09:17

Consider an Alexa type device. Mum has used it to call for help before, when she's fallen.

WhatHaveIFound · 11/01/2021 09:22

I have just had this with my parents as mum was in hospital for a few days last week and is normally sole carer for my dad. They already have POAs in place but i think going forward i'll probably need to do more for them.

Short term we've had to get carers in place whilst mum continues to recover at home. Long term they have finally agreed to downsize from a 4 bed detached house with awkward staircase to something more suitable. Hopefully an assisted living development as I live almost an hour away and my sibling lives overseas.

We're not rushing anything but i've agreed that I will help them declutter over the next year whilst we wait for the right property to come up.

Have you parents got a care alarm & key safe? Both vital if they have falls at home though if you're like me you'll have to remind the to wear their pendents every single time you visit!

TeenPlusTwenties · 11/01/2021 09:25

POAs are written (health & finance), but finance ones not activated, so it sounds like now is a good time. They don't do online banking right now.

Shopping is Tescos online. They currently do it, but at the start my DB was doing it on their behalf. However I think they need a trolley for delivery person to load on to to they can wheel it in rather than carry.

Meals is a balance. Ready-meals tend to be high in salt and that is a No. I have sent off for a Wiltshire Farm Foods brochure which has nutritional info & DH says Tesco do low salt too. Not sure how tight a diet plan he has been put on. Any other good providers?

Stairlift I agree we need to get on and do. Should be straightforward in terms of workmen in house, just long lead times. Are Stannah the go-to people?

Tech We probably need to ensure we know their passwords for other things (not that I really think they have much). DB can also access their computer remotely if it is on.

Care alarm / Keysafe No, not yet. We never thought needed as 2 of them. Definitely something to consider as I was quite worried with DM alone in house. Hadn't even thought of keysafe so thank you.

Funeral directors Yes, need that conversation. I know which crematorium they want.

Local trades Great idea. Probably not my aunt, but can ask neighbours who are fab.

Shower/Bath They are currently managing, but again something to install ahead of time would be good as they only have an 'over the bath' type shower anyway.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 11/01/2021 09:29

I’ve heard good things about Wiltshire Farm Foods, DH’s nan used them and really liked them.

MintyCedric · 11/01/2021 09:32

Honestly, you are potentially on a cliff top waiting to fall off here. I hope I'm wrong but based on my experience over the last couple of years and particularly the last nine months, I won't sugar coat it.

If they are living in a house with no downstairs facilities or stair lift that needs to be a priority. As PPs have said, could you move them closer to you? I would also suggest they really need to be in some kind of assisted accommodation.

Make sure you have copies of anything medical and financial...NHS numbers, regular prescription meds, banking, bills, council tax, house deeds etc.

Setting up online banking that you can access if need be is a good idea. Also online shopping, repeat prescriptions (Do they currently get and meds they need delivered? If not that too?)

Don't rely on them getting good with mobile phones. My mum was senior PA/administrator and is pretty tech savvy but her ability to manage mobiles and even the internet is diminishing rapidly. This is a woman who organised her own will and POA and those of a handful of relatives and until a few years ago would gamely fix cars and ovens with just a YouTube video for assistance. The impact of age and stress hits hard and fast at times.

Bear in mind that it is not just practical support they will need but also emotional support, particularly when one of them is left on their own, which is why I would suggest assisted accommodation of some kind. Unless of course you are willing and able to be an emotional crutch indefinitely, because there is a good chance it will come to that at some point.

My dad had a serious fall downstairs two years ago and broke his back in 4 places. No spinal cord damage and was able to walk again but has never been the same since.

He took to his bed last March and in April we were advised that he was 'end of life'. The GPS suspected gastrointestinal cancer but he was too frail for tests. Based on their prognosis we were told me may have 1-3 months.

Dad is still with us. He is now completely bedridden & doubly incontinent. He often needs feeding, and his speech is poor which limits his ability to communicate. This is further hindered by the fact my mum is now extremely hard of hearing.
In recent months he has suffered from episodes of confusion/agitation/delirium and is often in pain to the extent of needing oral morphine, although of course we don't know what causes it as he is too frail for any more than the most basic of tests.

So we are assuming now that he has severe frailty. There is now treatment or cure and as long as his vitals (pulse, blood oxygen, heart rate) are ok, there is no medical intervention that can be given.

All we can do is plod on until he passes on peacefully of old age or there is a crisis (these are the words of two GPs who have seen him recently).

We have NHS carers come in twice a day to wash and change him but otherwise we're on our own. Mum has long wanted to move to a bungalow or have a downstairs shower room put on, but dad always blocked it, so now at 81 she's having to go up and down the stairs multiple times a day to see to him. I get called out frequently late at night or in the early hours of the morning because unfortunately it's not possible to time the bowel movements of an elderly man.

Because he has no formal diagnosis Macmillan and Marie Curie won't get involved and the local hospice has rejected at least 2 GP referrals for him in the last six months.

I am an only child and we have no other family support. By August I was suicidal with the stress of dealing with it all, particularly the level of emotional support my mum needs. I was signed off work at the end of October and am now taking an unpaid career break in order to care for them. As awful as it sounds I am 10 days in and praying that the inevitable will happen and I will be able toget my mum sorted out before I return to work in September. I have no idea what I'll do otherwise and feel like my own life is basically on hold now until they both pass.

I'm also a single parent to 16yo DD who is doing her GCSEs.

I'm sorry for such a long post and that it's doom and gloom, but I know from bitter experience how easy it is to think only about the basics or that you have time to make changes further down the line, and my parents are younger than yours.

Please give it some serious though, particularly in terms of what you are able to manage, and get as much as you can put in place as soon as possible.

MintyCedric · 11/01/2021 09:34

Also be aware that all the time they are considered to have capacity, what they say will go regarding any decision making.

In medical terms the 'patient voice' is paramount and absolutely no consideration will be given to the impact on you as a carer of their decisions.

MintyCedric · 11/01/2021 09:36

Re care alarm...bear in mind the reliability of their landline. We had horrendous problems with Virgin last month. You can get them set up to run on a SIM card if the reception in their area is reliable.

Stairlift...Google for fitters in your area. You can hire them which might be a better/more affordable option. I tried and tried to convince my mum but but she doesn't care for the aesthetics Hmm so has just buggered her knee with going up and down the stairs all day instead.

TeenPlusTwenties · 11/01/2021 09:45

Minty Thanks. I too am a parent of a y11 (who had a MH breakdown in 2020 and is now not accessing schoolwork...).

They have been very clear they don't want us 'caring' and would rather be in nursing homes. When the time comes.

Money, luckily, isn't an issue when it comes to stairlifts etc. Also we got adept with PIL with comparing everything to a week in a nursing home. Things suddenly appeared much cheaper then if they prevent a move for 2 or 3 weeks.

OP posts:
dotty2 · 11/01/2021 09:56

Just to add - don't under-estimate how long it takes to activate the PoA with the bank. I have PoA for a relative who banks with the Co-op and had to activate it earlier in the year and it was a huge faff and time-consuming effort. I don't have a local branch (and getting into a branch is obviously tricky during a pandemic anyway), so to do it by post I had to get my ID certified by a solicitor or similar, to submit with the form. And then lots of phone calls before the online banking was correctly set up, with huge wait times on each call. So do make sure that's in place before you really need it.

MintyCedric · 11/01/2021 09:57

I'm so sorry you're going through it with your DC.

Thankfully mine has coped ok with Covid and the grandparents situation although we've had a few blips that have made me feel like I'm seriously dropping the ball where she's concerned.

I think the key thing, as I'm sure you probably realise, is to get things in place before there's a crisis.

We didn't and by God are we paying for it now.

Margaritatime · 11/01/2021 10:02

I would echo trying to move them into sheltered accommodation or a flat. Ideally everything on one level so they can use walkers, wheelchairs etc. should they need them. I know a number of couples who are now not able to relocate and are stuck in the family home which is unsuitable for their current needs.

A practical one for those losing their hearing is vibrating alarms for smoke alarm, front door, phone etc. They can sleep with them under a pillow and have then on their person during the day.

TeenPlusTwenties · 11/01/2021 10:05

I think this is a wake up call, especially for my Mum. We would have put some stuff in place earlier however she wasn't keen. Now she will have to accept it I think.

They are fine as a 2, but neither will cope well without the other I don't think.

Minty If I could list here the things we have upcoming over the next 6 months you'd go and hide in bed and not come out.

Stairlift and POA execution.

OP posts:
PurpleMustang · 11/01/2021 10:49

I think the main thing to take from this at their ages things can and likely will change overnight and you will forever be playing catch up. Your Mum needs to be told things need to change if she still tries to put up any resistance but hopefully she will be willing for changes now. Would the changes in the home be financially worth it? Thinking of money that would need to be spent. Would they be better at looking at an assisted living place or something, so independent but assistance on hand as and when needed, especially if one or both are not willing to ask for help with the thoughts that they don't want things to change so not be truthful about struggling. And with anything that may not be needed instantly, I think you need to be doing your homework so if it was needed tomorrow you know preferences so quick choices can be made. Good luck

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