What do you wish you had got in place earlier?

[TeenPlusTwenties]

My DPs have got 'old' overnight.
Well obviously not, but they have been managing fine in lockdown with our remote support, and have always been independent and self sufficient. Dad (90) was clearing gutters in September, they were doing bonfires etc. Mum (84) is CEV and gets puffed out quickly.

He had to be in hospital unexpectedly for 4 days last week, and it has brought it home to him and us how fragile their 'independent' life is.

They have powers of attorney & wills in place.

But what else?

• a stair lift as Mum wouldn't have been able to cope if Dad had had to be in bed when he got out?
• they'll need a weekly cleaner/housekeeper when pandemic lifts a bit to help with cleaning, laundry etc
• they aren't good with mobile phones, but will be more motivated now as Dad could hardly drive the phone when in hospital
• downstairs bathroom would be good but complicated to arrange, especially right now. Dad drew up plans 2 years ago but Mum didn't want to...

Should we set up for online banking and organise so my DB or I can do it? Or should we encourage getting the POA going now to do it formally?

What are the stupid small things that are a pain to organise at a rush from a distance but with a bit more time would be easy?

We last did this 15 years ago with PIL, but we could see them weekly, and they had already downsized to a bungalow. Plus we were younger, not in a pandemic and didn't have children then.

Downstairs bedroom and bathroom is really handy if possible. We moved Dad downstairs (into a small dining room) before it was necessary and he loves it.

Seat in shower (you can get small corner seats). Handrails in bathroom.

Good cleaner. Gardener.

Newspaper delivered.

Online shopping (I do it remotely).

If you have really difficult stairs, lifts have transformed in recent years. They are now slimline transparent columns, which can be tiny if you don't need to accommodate a wheelchair. Which reminds me - if you get to that stage - a zimmer for upstairs and another for downstairs, but that's seen as so essential that the OT provided it for us.

Definitely get the POAs activated if you haven't already. When my DF was suddenly taken ill, well I cannot stress how hopeful having the POAs were.

As for the stairlift, you can get them secondhand so do talk to the supplier about this as it can save a lot of money.

We had the thing with DPIL about the meals being too expensive. Could you suggest that they just have them fir some days of the week to try? They don't have to commit to a full week. DFIL now has them from Oakhouse about 4 days a week and cooks for himself around 3 days.

I think that you need another word with your DM about having a bathroom downstairs. If they really do want to stay in their own home, this may be needed sooner than they think.

POA. Just the most important for Health and Welfare and Finances.

The pain I know that other people have had to go through because they don't have them is just an added stress you don't need.

The number of times we have had to use them we would never have imagined.

What is good with POAs you can keep them in a drawer and then register them with specific companies when you need to.

Getting that done and out of the way will say you a ton of pain in the future.

The other thing I wish I'd done earlier was to take charge of the bills too.

Turns out DFIL have never changed supplier for energy or insurance. I've swapped both which has saved him £140 a month which has more than compensated for buying sone meals in.

Following - this is something that we need to think about. There are some useful suggestions here.

Following - this is something that we need to think about. There are some useful suggestions here

Just wish I'd had the sense to ask the same question a few years ago

Mil 84 has dementia. In 3 months (a year ago) she went from active member of her local volunteer organisation to confused old lady trying to use her home and mobile phone to change the TV channel.

Just to add to the above help already given, if you get an alarm system remember they need the details of someone very close by to call out to help... ANY TIME OF THE DAY OR NIGHT. Mil has already been through 3 neighbours and no one local is available to help any more. (She pressed the alarm to get the nurse to come in the night as in her head she was in hospital).

Such a helpful thread.

Wishing you all well with your versions of these situations.

For us MIL early dementia plus several health ‘events’ in the last three months.

A couple months ago she bought and had fitted a new boiler as the heating was not working. Suspect that it was not working as she had repeatedly forgotten they the year before it was set up to work on Nest. She used to control it via iPad but had forgotten over the summer.

She was admitted to hospital yesterday after a fall and moved to the ward for tests before discharge.
We called and spoke to her on the ward phone ‘oh yes I’m fine, nothing broken, are you coming to collect me?’ Se said. Ex teacher confident and sounds entirely plausible. Which is perhaps part
of the reason that she has been discharged only the day before with just three daily Carer calls after a months inpatient care for fractured hip just prior Christmas.

Lives alone. Can only walk 11 steps now - no way she could even wash the clothes from her inpatient stay.

It’s probably 50 steps from her (swivel!) tv chair to the downstairs loo - quite unachievable.

We are 200 miles away and can’t easily travel due to childcare responsibilities, lockdown, full time jobs, pets and only one car etc.

POA has been talked about for 10 years and is source of frustration between the adult children (as one was picked for the role). They all look to the chosen one (DH) to fix everything but it was never activated and they see this as DH failing in his (non!) role or obstructing care ‘just get a nurse in she can afford it’. Well maybe but she says no!

A solicitor video appointment was finally set up to activate POA in December but MIL fractured hip the night before and has had delirium ever since.

She simply can not manage to be safe between care calls (even with BIL there as cook and companion) and we have no formal role to intervene so it is now down to the NHS / social care process and we are consulted fortunately at every step but don’t have the ability to really shape what happens - felt had to pay prior care company ourselves.

So emotional and frustrating. Mil is (was) a force of nature travelling internationally alone only 2 years ago. Up in the loft last summer at 88th birthday to get a book to show us!

💕 her very much.

Health deterioration at any age is a bumpy ride
And with the delerium / early dementia MIL is fortunately not able to fully comprehend that she won’t get a lot better quickly and independence is probably a pipe dream now. We wait to see what NHS re-enablement decide.

MIL meanwhile is planning treating herself to an electric buggy to pop to Tesco ...

Just going to add that while I do have POA in place for my mum, before I did that, we did a third party mandate with Lloyd’s where her main bank account is. I have a bank card and have set up online banking so I can manage things for her. We did this by going into the branch.

That sounds very much like how my DMIL progressed last year Beyond. Luckily she still had DFIL although it out a tremendous pressure on him, we also live close by so that DH could go around when DFIL wasn't coping.

What's happening now with her care? How do you cope with the night time call outs?

MIL meanwhile is planning treating herself to an electric buggy to pop to Tesco. I think that one of the hardest things for us with DMIL was the rapid progression and that she still seems unaware that things are like this permanently now. When we do speak to her she often talks if things she's doing or going to do, none of which she is capable of.

If still cooking, one of the worst things is bending down to open an oven, the warm air can easily overwhelm a frail person. If I had time again I'd insist on Neff glide and slide at standing height in a new built in oven. Not a freestanding.

For stair lifts look on FB Marketplace for secondhand - people buy houses with them in and cannot get rid.

As the plans are drawn up, definitely the downstairs loo/shower, but make it a wet room floor, so much easier than stepping into a shower.

I had blue badge for my dad. I should have applied sooner as I only got to use it a couple of times in the end. Would have been such a big help for all his appointments

I've been there, both parents now dead.
Ten years ago they were fit and super active 77 year olds. My father died suddenly.
First the thing that caught us unawares was the speed of mum's deterioration. She had a small stroke within weeks and was diagnosed with heart failure. She managed perfectly well though for many years with a wide social network. She had a mobility scooter and used taxis to get around but became more and more unwell two years ago. She died last February.
I drew up LPAs health and welfare and financial while she was fit and well. In fact we never used the financial one as she was full capable right up to the day she died. In fact it was her clear and lucid capacity that persuaded a palliative care consultant to withdraw all treatment at the end when she begged him to hasten things.
The health and welfare one was invaluable in getting past GP receptionists. Actual doctors were always happy to talk to us.

We got in place household aids from occupational health, grab bars, shower stools etc.
I set up a pendant alarm. As things went downhill this was used a lot. As someone else said it's a lot to ask of neighbours and mum's neighbours were all elderly. So my sister and I were on call. 3am calls when she fell going to the bathroom were a nightmare.

The one big thing we didn't do in time was residential care.
It became clear eventually that she was only going to get worse and we researched homes. Found a lovely place in the area she lived so friends could visit. Booked her a room and she died the next day.
My huge regret is that if we had done this a year earlier her last months would have been so much less distressing for her. She would have had company and care and not been afraid of falling over in the night.

DM has a downstairs bathroom so we’ve made her second sitting room into a bedroom. In fact we did this before DF died. She still insists on going upstairs for various things though. Will not be persuaded to have a stairlift. We’ve had a handrail fitted but the stairs are very steep. Gives me nightmares.

I am in a situation now where I am next of kin for my grandad but he u expectedly had a stroke and lost capacity. Overnight everything changed. He did not make us Power of Attorney and it has made things a million times harder. After this I will get all my family to make POA. Our only option now is to apply for Deputy. This is going to cost us thousands and annually we will have to pay and write a report. I hope that helps

My huge regret is that if we had done this a year earlier her last months would have been so much less distressing for her. But a year earlier she might not have been happy with the decision. The event "mum/dad would now be better off in a care home" usually occurs a good deal before the event "mum/dad feels they would be better off in a care home"

@MereDintofPandiculation, you are probably right, though certainly a few months earlier.

@Rebecca9210 I urge everyone to do LPAs. You don't need a solicitor, it's very easy to DIY, we have done them for DH and me naming each other and both DC as attorneys. You don't have to be elderly to become incapacitated.

This is a very good thread. Will read more closely another time and can only echo the importance of LPA in Health and Welfare - without it, a fall and if they are in hospital they can be discharged into a Covid-riddled care home without your say so and kept there - Social Services are in control not you. Not saying it will happen but can. But OP mentions this.

Grip rail in the house. Get borough council to install, they may help.

Commode by bed. Horrid as I say on another thread, but a nighttime ramble can lead to a fall. For the bloke for instance, a piss pot can suffice, no need to make the trip in the night.

Look out for furniture where if you fall you bang your head and it's game over. Opt more for padded furniture, say a chaise lounge but not some big great table asking for trouble.
Higher chairs and beds so it's less strain to get out of. You can get raisers.
Get to know the neighbours and sound them out. If someone falls and just can't get up, it might be better to ask for help rather than calling for an ambulance.

When my parents who are in 60's bought there latest house , one if the reasons was it also has a decent downstairs shower room and a separate dining room so if they wanted could be turned into a downstairs bedroom as had watched my grandad struggle getting upstairs , my nan lives in ground floor flat at 87 so that is easier for her and couple years back she had bath removed and just large showed fitted and she has an alarm to wear as she has had couple falls, she did Wiltshire foods for a bit and uses m & s ready meals a couple times a week.
Some areas do good meals on wheels as well.
My nan also had someone come round and put grab rails for her my front and back door I think.

My nan also had someone come round and put grab rails for her my front and back door I think. Don't do this until you need it - it flags up "elderly person lives here" to all the con artists and petty thieves in the area. It might be possible to get the same effect with walls and railings that look as if they are part of the garden design.

JiltedJohnsJulie we don't cope with the calls really to be honest. The care company we use, now come in more often 3 or 4 times a day, and she is the last call of their day, so they settle her in after 10pm which seems to be working for now. The social care officer ( or whatever the title is...) suggested it as it has helped quite a few.

This is the thread that's going on over in the Elderly Parent's Section. Hope you get chance to read it as it has a lot of useful information.

We found that with DMIL she went from having mild Dementia to needing full time care very, very quickly. I'm talking weeks so it might benefit you to get of much of it in place as possible now.

Did you manage to speak to her about the POAs? She does have to give it but if she could it's going to really help you moving forward.

Like other have said, she may need to be able to live independently to move to a retirement village. It might be a bit if a mistake to buy a flat only to find that she needs full time care within a year or so.

Whoops sorry wrong thread. I'm going to blame it on my failing eyes and tiredness but I suspect I'm just a bit of a dunce

Beyond. I'm so glad that you've found something that's working