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Elderly parents
Original poster

What do you wish you had got in place earlier?

102 replies

TeenPlusTwenties · 11/01/2021 08:39

My DPs have got 'old' overnight.
Well obviously not, but they have been managing fine in lockdown with our remote support, and have always been independent and self sufficient. Dad (90) was clearing gutters in September, they were doing bonfires etc. Mum (84) is CEV and gets puffed out quickly.

He had to be in hospital unexpectedly for 4 days last week, and it has brought it home to him and us how fragile their 'independent' life is.

They have powers of attorney & wills in place.

But what else?

  • a stair lift as Mum wouldn't have been able to cope if Dad had had to be in bed when he got out?
  • they'll need a weekly cleaner/housekeeper when pandemic lifts a bit to help with cleaning, laundry etc
  • they aren't good with mobile phones, but will be more motivated now as Dad could hardly drive the phone when in hospital
  • downstairs bathroom would be good but complicated to arrange, especially right now. Dad drew up plans 2 years ago but Mum didn't want to...

Should we set up for online banking and organise so my DB or I can do it? Or should we encourage getting the POA going now to do it formally?

What are the stupid small things that are a pain to organise at a rush from a distance but with a bit more time would be easy?

We last did this 15 years ago with PIL, but we could see them weekly, and they had already downsized to a bungalow. Plus we were younger, not in a pandemic and didn't have children then.

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 12/01/2021 12:31

The key is to research beforehand and have the information to hand, rather than to get everything in place just in case it is needed. For example, if they get dementia, it will be helpful if everything is in the place they recognise, if they get mobility problems, then some clearing may be in order, but as their lives get curtailed they're likely to want duplicates of things so they don't have to keep going up and down stairs, and lots of stuff around to keep them occupied, if their sight goes, then clearing all unnecessary clutter may become important.

thalassoma · 12/01/2021 12:39

If they've got the money, definitely start getting trustworthy help in now so they're used to it when they need actual carer care (obviously depends how covid pans out)

e.g.
gardener
handyman
cleaner
housekeeper/cook
someone to drive them to the shops once a week or appointments

Then family can focus on the critical stuff without burnout:

  • spending time with them
  • spending time on making medical/financial decisions
Mum5net · 12/01/2021 13:27

And don’t underestimate how important it is to declutter and add technology while they still are amenable and pleasant. Dementia can change things instantly.
Here’s just one example...
SIL reckoned a microwave was not necessary as MiL had an oven and didn’t need to save time... Now that carers are visiting regularly, the microwave is here but MIL is very annoyed ‘someone has dumped a TV in the kitchen’. Had it been introduced earlier MIL may actually have been able to use it herself.

Original poster
TeenPlusTwenties · 12/01/2021 13:29

Handyman! Shock

2 years ago, Dad wouldn't get someone in to rehang a large (7ftx7ft) solid panel gate. He did let someone help with one tricky bit but otherwise had a jolly old time with pulleys and levers sorting it all out. Smile

This year, in lockdown he was chopping wood for exercise (that they then gave away, they no longer have a wood fire).

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 12/01/2021 13:43

If elderly relatives are still driving there may come a time when the conversation needs to be had whether they are still fit to drive.

purpleleotard · 12/01/2021 13:50

Re stair lifts.

In my experience Stannah are not the people to go to. Yes they did the job (almost) but at a price.

I can recommend my local independent installer. Nice bloke.
good work. He will have access to second hand systems as they re often installed then have little use.

Try looking on line as I have seen them for free, just an un install.

miimblemomble · 12/01/2021 14:22

Loads of good advice.

What I would add is that the one thing you can't plan for is illness and medical deterioration. We kept thinking we were getting on top of things - then MIL would decline further, FIL wouldn't realise / tell us, so we were always caught on the hop. And she declined quite steadily, even quickly at times. As with many older people, it took a crisis to really get things dealt with.

Something else: get used to talking to them about it. It drove me mad (still does) how DH and SIL pussyfooted round PIL trying not to upset them. Are your parents asking you to get involved more?

We are at a distance. One of the hardest things has been that all the info comes via FIL who is easily confused and scatterbrained. We have never managed to get a consistent set-up where nurses / Drs / OTs / physios / social workers / therapists etc would bypass him and contact DH or SIL directly. He wanted to be in charge, despite being shit at it.

Getting familiar with all their financial and other affairs is really useful if they will let you. DH went through FILs banking stuff and saved him heaps. MIL had always been the bookeeper... they had credit cards they were paying fees for that FIL didn't even know about. He had 3 different internet / phone providers set up at one point!

MereDintofPandiculation · 12/01/2021 15:49

The difficulty with all this advice is that elderly people, just like the rest of us, vary so much. I'm involved with a group of volunteers working out of doors in the hills, doing dry stone walling, building stock fences, clearing legacy rubbish (abandoned cars and deepfreezes rather than beer cans and barbecues), working at height using ropes and harnesses - and the core group are aged between 75 and 85. Persuading an 85 year old woman whose DIY skills extend to changing a lightbulb to accept a handyman is one thing, someone like OPs father who has the skills and knowledge to rig a pulley system to re-hang a gate is quite a different challenge.

I'd agree with the "try to get them used to technology". But it won't necessarily work. My father is an engineer, was using computers before most of MN was born, in his 80s was emailing engineers around the world, and skipping agilely between Windows and Mac, but he has steadily been losing all those skills (convinced it was his computer that had a fault not that he'd simply forgotten how to create an email even with written instructions before him) although he still knows and can talk coherently about the electrical standards that were in place in the 1950s.

BarryGlendenning · 12/01/2021 15:59

I agree @MereDintofPandiculation that there are some very able people in every age group.

Sadly we do have to plan for the scenario where things that were easy suddenly become very difficult, hoping we won't need to use those plans I guess. The sad truth is the very elderly can go from hanging fence panels to bed bound with one trip.

WhatHaveIFound · 12/01/2021 16:00

I'd agree with the "try to get them used to technology". But it won't necessarily work.

This is my experience too. My mum used to be a speedy typist years ago but has refused to ever use dad's computer. She recently expressed regret for not making an effort as it's now almost impossible for her to keep in touch with family overseas now that my dad's health is bad.

I have also tried numerous times to get her to use FaceTime but she forgets between each visit when I show her.

ineedaholidaynow · 12/01/2021 16:24

@MereDintofPandiculation my DF got like that. He could easily find his way round all technology, and then his skills just disappeared (but without him realising it was him not the computer). It caused him so much frustration and it was so sad to see. But he could still explain how to fly a plane to my DS, which DF had learned during his National Service in the 50s.

dementedma · 12/01/2021 16:28

Fall alarm
External key safe
Hand rails in garden( just popping out to feed the birds!)
Bed rail
Easy to use smart phone with preprogrammed numbers
Cleaner
Whiteboards as memory joggers or for leaving messages to other carers

MereDintofPandiculation · 12/01/2021 16:32

Hand rails in garden( just popping out to feed the birds!)
Bed rail

Gosh, this is scary! I hope our children aren't thinking this way! (DH nearly 80). I think I'm going to leave this thread Grin

dementedma · 12/01/2021 20:13

We had to. She fell in the garden and lay there for a couple of hours. Loves going out to the feeders so a wooden rail now leads out there.
Means she can still feed the birds but has something to hold on to when unsteady on her feet.

MereDintofPandiculation · 13/01/2021 11:32

@dementedma Fair enough - it was an answer to a clear need. I was reading the list as things to be put in place "just in case" for ageing but otherwise fit and competent parents.

I find this board a bit scary. Because my father is so old, I'm older than many of the carers on here, and my DH in particular is getting into the age group of the "elderly parents". So I'm straddling the line, seeing the difficulties of caring for an independent but increasing frail parent, and the difficulties of losing your autonomy and everything you value in life.

Mackerelpizza · 13/01/2021 12:31

It is quite scary.

Original poster
TeenPlusTwenties · 13/01/2021 14:39

Mere Some people at 80 are already 'old' and 'frail'. Others like by Dad, are not. At 88 Dad was climbing ladders painting the side of the house etc. Now he can't.
People are helpfully suggesting things we might need to think about. Some we don't yet, but other things we do.

(Though considering DM was saying no to WFarmFoods on the phone last night as 'too expensive' it is going to be an uphill struggle I think. (War generation)).

OP posts:
WhatHaveIFound · 13/01/2021 14:52

(Though considering DM was saying no to WFarmFoods on the phone last night as 'too expensive' it is going to be an uphill struggle I think. (War generation)).

My mum was the same when she had her first fall 4 years ago and again two years ago when she broke her foot. This time she got home from hospital (not a fall this time) and she's finally admitted that cooking has got too much for her.

I've found that we've had to do things at my parent's pace which is painfully slow.

Frankley · 13/01/2021 15:39

I made a list, with dates and what hospital/consultant had been involved of all medical happenings for elderly man. Headed by NHS number , hospital number and blood group. Going back til he was a young man. And prescription details.
When he was suddenly admitted to hospital, the ambulance man was given it. This meant l didn't have to spend ages on the phone telling the doctors everything,, trying to remember it all, they found it very helpful.
I was pleased they sent it back with him when he went home.

FinallyHere · 13/01/2021 19:43

@MereDintofPandiculation

I feel your pain. The day of my mother's funeral, I'm not sure why. but in a quiet moment I absolutely noticed for the first time that my dear DH (fourteen year age gap ) was himself getting elderly.

Taking everything at that person's pace can be so frustrating. I try to do it as an act of love , rather than screaming with frustration. As for what will happen to me, I just dare not think.

FadedRed · 13/01/2021 19:52

Good for you Op trying to get this sorted in advance. You’ve been given lots of good advice, but you seem very astute anyway.
On a lighter note, if you watch daytime tv on any commercial channel (ITV Channel 4 etc) you will certainly see lots of adverts for stairlifts/ furniture/ assisted bathing etc etc!

MereDintofPandiculation · 13/01/2021 20:11

When he was suddenly admitted to hospital, the ambulance man was given it. I made up a set of laminated cards, credit card sized, with my father's name, dob, his prescription drugs, and contact details for me and my DC, and gave them out for all of us and for my father to carry. It surprised me quite how happy ambulance people were to receive one.

MereDintofPandiculation · 13/01/2021 20:20

@FinallyHere Yes, there's times when you wish wonen's expected life span wasn't greater than men's. I've planned how to dispose of his sci-fi collection and declutter the house, but I'm sure I won't feel so sanguine when the time comes.

I'm not finding a difference in pace yet and my age gap isn't as great as yours, so it may never happen. He's always been physically stronger than me and I still turn to him for heavy lifting. If it ever does happen, it'll be fair repayment for those years after we first met when he had to slow his pace to accommodate me.

Aurorie11 · 13/01/2021 20:25

My Dad has capacity but doesn’t want to do anything to do with finances. He has a debit card but I have online banking access for him, so just check statements and make sure money doesn’t need to be moved across to the current account. I do all his shopping so can just transfer back what he owes me.
Don’t know if it’s been mentioned but consider a do not resuscitate. Dad has decided he wouldn’t want to be resuscitated so paperwork done and registered with docs and copy in his house

ruthieness · 13/01/2021 20:50

My Dad will not use a personal alarm - ha ha - the vanity of old men!!
He lives alone so we have a set up that records on an app when he uses the kettle, the front door, the kitchen door and walks by the tv.

We know the mice walk by the tv about 2am!
If he fell or didn't get up we would know within hours.