Narcissistic Mother

[LondonMrsA]

I’m writing this as a silent scream. If no one reads it or comments I won’t be disappointed. I simply need to get this out into the universe like an emotional vomit. Once I’ve purged, I might feel better.

I hate my mother. I had a horrible childhood. My parents divorced when I was 17. I then lived with my lovely grandparents for a year.

I have hundreds of stories about this cold, manipulative narcissist.

She’s now 78. She’s been ill for years. She won’t sell the family home because she has promised it to my brother (he already has his own home too).

Recently her lies and spiteful behaviour have escalated. I think her illness is making her even more bitter and angry.

My brother is her Carer. He doesn’t do it very well but I’m grateful nonetheless.

I have recently found out some of the lies she has been telling people about me. They’re the sort of things you might say about someone you absolutely detest - not the daughter who treats you with kindness, affection and respect and helps you financially.

Basically, I’m a good Actress. I’m lovely to my Mum because my behaviour is a reflection on me, not her. These latest revelations have broken my heart all over again.

If I’m honest - I wish she would hurry up and die.
Thank you for letting me vent.

You poor thing, that sounds awful.You truly are a remarkable person to still be civil to her after what she has/is putting you through. Most would have walked away long ago.

Have you confronted her about the lies?

💐 For you. She sounds dreadful. You can hold your head up that you are ‘the bigger person’ .
If it is a symptom of her illness, then try to focus on that fact, rather like an ugly sore can be a symptom, or a bad smelL.
Other people will continue to see through her bad behaviour and will not believe the lies.
Those that can’t , don’t matter.

No reason you have to see her at all op. . I am nc with my dm. Her new found friends and previous work colleagues were told she had no family.
Suits me just fine.

Thank you all. I tried to delete this post an hour after I wrote it but couldn't work out "how"! I expected to be told "you only have one mother" etc. etc. So THANK YOU.

She has always been vile. My whole life. Spiteful. Petty. Self serving. Textbook NPD.

I will not confront her. I will continue to be kind. I don't think she has much longer on this earth.

My brother, his kids and I have made a pact to hold our own very strange Wake when we will all share the terrible things she has said about the others and laugh til tears run down our knees. (I feel much better today!)

Apologies for any typos. I'm in the Hairdresser and left my reading glasses in the car.

THANK YOU.

There are some horrible parents out there and if your Mother has a personality disorder there's nothing you can do, she will always be this way.

One day you will be free, you sound like you're handling it brilliantly.
Most people can work out that someone like your Mother is a manipulator.
I work for a woman who has a personality disorder, it's hidden to a certain extent, but the first time I met her (interview) I knew something was wrong with her mentally.
I've seen her destroy relationships in her family and only hold onto others through lies and manipulation.
People like that must be kept at an arms length of they will destroy you.

There is no eleventh commandment that says you have to like anybody let alone family (usually the worst people on earth are family)

Will your brother share the house with you though.. now that's the acid test !

Feel free to scream here - you sound really well adjusted considering. Well done for Rising Above.

@Anordinarymum

There is no eleventh commandment that says you have to like anybody let alone family (usually the worst people on earth are family)

Will your brother share the house with you though.. now that's the acid test !

No. My brother says he "needs" the house. He hasn't worked for 20 years since he discovered a bone in his foot, a crack in his butt and a talent for claiming Benefits. He owns his house outright - no mortgage. If he inherits the family home he can sell his current larger, nicer house and live on the profits for the rest of his days if he is frugal. Mum has - allegedly - included a note in her Will that I will be responsible for the upkeep of the family home whilst my brother resides there for the remainder of his lifetime.

Note 1. I should point out my brother is fit and well and fairly intelligent. He simply chooses not to work.

Note 2. Mum's treatment of us is very common in parents who have a narcissistic personality disorder - they nominate a "Golden Child" and a "Scapegoat". You have three guesses which role I have been given.

@crunchtimes

There are some horrible parents out there and if your Mother has a personality disorder there's nothing you can do, she will always be this way.

One day you will be free, you sound like you're handling it brilliantly.
Most people can work out that someone like your Mother is a manipulator.
I work for a woman who has a personality disorder, it's hidden to a certain extent, but the first time I met her (interview) I knew something was wrong with her mentally.
I've seen her destroy relationships in her family and only hold onto others through lies and manipulation.
People like that must be kept at an arms length of they will destroy you.

Thank you.

When you get the note write' get stuffed 'on the back and rip it up...

Just remember that you are not alone.
There are other people who care for their ungrateful, badly behaved parents through gritted teeth, wishing they would just die and release them from the situation 💐

You don't have to care for her - but I see why you do.

Your brother won't get benefits if he gets a big windfall. He would almost be better off giving you the house and still getting his state support. Clearly he should work if he can.

Well done OP, you are dealing with some top drawer pricks with extreme grace!

Op, your doing a good job in the most trying of circumstances. He sounds as "nice" as your mother. He already has a house with no mortgage and he tells you I need your mother's house.
You should tell him that if he sells her house he won't keep his benefits with a lump sum in the bank. The reality is that once your mother dies her house should be sold and you both get 50% of it sale price after any bills are covered.
I know he is currently caring for her but long term what happens if she needs more care than he can provide. Her house could be sold after her death to cover the cost of her care.
Also since she won't sell her house because your brother "needs" it I would not give her any further financial support. You need to keep your money for yourself and save for the future.

One of my friends mother sounds similar to your mother. She has 2 golden children who have been well looked after over the years. Meanwhile my friend and other sibling have been treated poorly, taken verbal put downs and been ignored when they needed help at various times. My friend and sibling have decided they are not minding their mother. As one of them said let the ones she looked after in the past step up to mind Mammy.

I'm sorry, OP. You deserve better. Please don't forget that.

I am lying awake stewing about my narcissist mother's behaviour today and seriously considering not seeing her anymore. You have all my heartfelt sympathies!

Your a better person than me my mother is just the same and is now 90, she apparently has dementia but not convinced she is as bad as she claims. I have got to the stage that I can’t cope with her anymore. I know I should feel guilty but I don’t she has ruined enough of my life.

I'm so sorry for all you've been through. Just know that you are more than entitled to your feelings. I hope your current life and future bring you happiness.

I've been told 'but she's your mum' more times than I remember about my npd mum.

'But I'm her daughter' is a great response to any idiot who says that to you - she shouldn't be treating YOU like that if she wants to play the pity card. I said as much to my SIL, spouse of golden child brother, naturally.

@Pixxie7

Your a better person than me my mother is just the same and is now 90, she apparently has dementia but not convinced she is as bad as she claims. I have got to the stage that I can’t cope with her anymore. I know I should feel guilty but I don’t she has ruined enough of my life.

I lay awake most of last night remembering things I thought I'd dealt with.

Part of me wishes I'd cut her off years ago. I still feel, from time to time, that I'm the only person in the world with a big sign over my head - it's weird feeling you're not loved by the one person who is supposed to love you the most!

@Ffsffsffsffsffs

I've been told 'but she's your mum' more times than I remember about my npd mum.

'But I'm her daughter' is a great response to any idiot who says that to you - she shouldn't be treating YOU like that if she wants to play the pity card. I said as much to my SIL, spouse of golden child brother, naturally.

I think - and it might be my own bias here - it's usually the son who gets to be "The Golden Child" and the daughter who is "The Scapegoat".

In that generation there was an expectation that daughters would always be there so they didn’t need as much attention as sons. Ever heard the saying ‘ a son is a son until he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life’ ?

Nightmare. You have my sympathies. I've seen someone like this in action.

Have you read books on the subject of narcissistic mothers and how to recover from them?

No, NPD mothers can like daughters. I wonder if they favour the first child? Having perhaps convinced themselves that they have THE best child ever, so no other child (including their own, ironically) can compete. Does that jell with anyone else’s experience. And I get it, OP. Courage!

But do they like the daughter if there's a son? Or do they only like a daughter if there's another daughter to be the scapegoat?