Narcissistic Mother

[LondonMrsA]

I’m writing this as a silent scream. If no one reads it or comments I won’t be disappointed. I simply need to get this out into the universe like an emotional vomit. Once I’ve purged, I might feel better.

I hate my mother. I had a horrible childhood. My parents divorced when I was 17. I then lived with my lovely grandparents for a year.

I have hundreds of stories about this cold, manipulative narcissist.

She’s now 78. She’s been ill for years. She won’t sell the family home because she has promised it to my brother (he already has his own home too).

Recently her lies and spiteful behaviour have escalated. I think her illness is making her even more bitter and angry.

My brother is her Carer. He doesn’t do it very well but I’m grateful nonetheless.

I have recently found out some of the lies she has been telling people about me. They’re the sort of things you might say about someone you absolutely detest - not the daughter who treats you with kindness, affection and respect and helps you financially.

Basically, I’m a good Actress. I’m lovely to my Mum because my behaviour is a reflection on me, not her. These latest revelations have broken my heart all over again.

If I’m honest - I wish she would hurry up and die.
Thank you for letting me vent.

Asterion: maybe there is no rhyme nor reason. My mother golden childed (as it were) my sister (eldest) in childhood. But then moved on to brother in more recent years—having fallen out with first child sister who in fact is quite similar to our mother... Perhaps the point is that there’s almost always a golden child, a scapegoat, and some sort of flying monkey... or at least that is my experience.

Btw OP, I think people are probably wise to your mum. You can’t stand her. Unlikely others do. Even if she puts on a brilliant show of being “such a nice person”, I think people KNOW—even, if out of politeness, they never say anything, and as a result you don’t realise what they really think of her. I say this from experience with my elderly NPD mum. Only lately have people (Eg her neighbours) admitted to me that they have always found her odd. Those who didn’t realise (including long term friends) were nonetheless able to “see” once they were told. They also found her hard work, even if they didn’t know about her addictions etc. It’s not easy though. We are hardwired to want good mothers, and as kids we probably defended them etc etc. Only through having my own kid, do I realise how nasty she really is/was. Mad eh. Anyway. I get it.

I’ve been blown away by the positive and empathetic responses to my post.

Thank You

Unfortunately some people are not very nice, and some of those people are parents, and they often don't magically become nice when they get old and frail...

I mean quite possibly you might dig around and find (say) she had a shitty childhood, but that's not going to change her, though it might (IME) make her a tiny bit easier for you to deal with if you have an inkling of why she ended up the way she is.

It happens, it sucks, I'm sorry, but remember it is just one part of your life and the rest may well be much more under your control.

Just popping back on to share.

I discovered this week that Mum is in significant Credit Card debt. So that's nice...

Ug London.

Shopping addiction, do you think? or everyday stuff? My mum blew £60k (maybe more) on some nonsense shopping channel...

Is your mum now expecting you and your brother to help her out? That seems to happen a lot at this end too... she creates very silly & sometimes very big! problems that need constant help. From alcoholic binges to constantly asking for help to get her telly working (often asks her female neighbour, who is the exact same age to help with her TV, or makes my brother drive 60miles to sort it out).

Seems to me they create problems so people are at their beck and call. I think the solution is for us to cut off the so-called “narcissistic supply”. Problem is, they are still our mums, and if you are anything like me, you’ve been raised to be super loyal and/or you’re very empathetic so it is hardwired into you to “want” to help (or at least feel anxious etc about it).

Anyway, courage! As 12234 says, there are reasons for this, and can be traced back to childhood trauma. I dwell on this a lot, and make many excuses for her. That said, as 12234 also says, some people are just not very nice. (Indeed, re trauma, I had a rotten childhood because of her, and I am not a narc, and nor are you OP!)

As above, it is tricky to have a narc for a mum. It is all one’s known. I only discovered through having kids of my own that most mums (me included!) are super loving to their kids, so when one has a total bitch for a mum, others really don’t get it...

In fact, to make things worse, narc mums - or at least this is true for my mum- like to bang on about how they are the BEST and most fabulous mums (Narc ahoy!), how super caring they are🧐, what great listeners they are 🤨; they also talk/cry to everyone about how caring they are, and then they do thoughtful things for others, which makes it all the more confusing for their kids-Ie us! And moreover we are the ones left sounding nasty, or as if we are talking rubbish (particularly to people who have only known their own loving mum). But it only works for so long. Others DO see through them... or they will in the future when the narc goes too far with them, which they will... or at least everyone is now wise to my mum.

anyway, good luck!

Well Golden Boy can sort that out when she is gone op....

Op I understand. My mum and I havent spoken in 6 years, best 6 years of my life!
You owe her nothing. I personally wouldn't bother with her anymore. You wouldn't let a friend treat you that way. You'd bin them off.
When she's out of your life (through choice or death) I promise you'll feel better.
Have nothing to do with her debt, care or will, say you're estranged.
Hugs to you it's hard!

I can't bring myself to share details but I know how you feel

I suspect that in future years you will regret not standing up for yourself more than you will congratulate yourself for "being kind."

When she is gone from your life your self esteem will grow, you will realise that being kind and being a doormat are not the same. You will kick yourself.

I have seen it in others. Maybe I am biased towards my own choices because I am very low contact with my unpleasant giant toddler of a mother. I don't know, however, I do know that it is possible to be kind and simultaneously be distant.

I am not nasty to my mother. I avoid her. If she is with me then she will be awful to me. I rationalise this as: my presence enables her to be vile, therefore by making myself available to her I am encouraging her to be vile, which is unkind of me. The kindest thing is to remove myself from her presence, to ignore her pleas for me to be in her presence because I know it will end up with her doing something bad.

If my old pub mate became an alcoholic, I wouldn't accept if she invited me to the pub again. If I felt she associated me with drinking then I would avoid being with her because I do not wish to feel I had a part in normalising drink to her. Bit of an odd analogy but it is the closest to how I feel.

In addition, your brother is going to have a hell of a shock when she is gone, you won't be his slave and he is no longer a golden child but just some weird unemployed bloke that nobody panders to anymore. The sooner you go low contact with them both the sooner your mum can't play you off against each other and reality will start to kick in. That's actually the kindest thing you can do for your brother and your mum (and yourself of course).

Pay zero attention to the finances. She has made it clear that money is between her and DB. Distance yourself. Be like a stranger tried to tell you about their mortgage or credit card debt: get a bit embarrassed, change the subject and try to forget the inappropriate personal detail they just shared, do not for a moment even consider taking ownership of their problem. Karma comes around.

Just disappear. She’s not going to mellow with age. I’m speaking from experience. Mine got worse and worse. The only good thing that happened was that her filter slipped and others saw how cruel she was to me, and I wasn’t lying all those years. They saw her scratch and bite my face while I was trying to lift her onto the bedpan. She ripped chunks of hair from my scalp and told me I had brain damage and that my brother would do this job right. He was in the next room stuffing his obese face and ordering thousands of dollars worth of fake samurai swords and skateboards to be delivered to his house (she paid the rent) with her credit card. (He was 42yes old and 120+kgs) Just go and live your life and don’t worry about what she says to whom. Fuck it.

Thank you everyone.
Mum is spending money on everyday things.
Don’t forget - she supports my brother in his own separate home.
She also spends c.£90 a week on cigarettes.
Various things have happened over the weekend – nothing to do with my family – that have made me put things into perspective.
I will remain low contact. I really think she is at the ‘end of life’ stage at present.

My brother has some horrible shocks coming to him when she dies. I I will need to be compassionate but very firm.

Again, thank you, this forum really helps me.

Be compassionate to yourself.

Justilou1 - yes, the filter slips. Snap.

Focus on you, OP.

Compassion to you, ideally detachment from her. I now think of my mum not as my mum but as a mental health patient and, if I see her, I think of myself as a nurse. That’s my version of detachment.

I'd say you need to work on distancing yourself from your brother. He needs to know you won't take any responsibility for him. He can manage all the estate questions after your mother's death.

My mother is similar and like you, my behaviour to her is about me not her.

I'm with you, OP.

I have a mother like this, and yes, she lies about me. I think people can see through her, though. They can sense that she's a bit "off". I spoke to someone recently who has always seemed to be one of her staunch friends and supporters... certainly she thinks she has him well trained and that he admires her very much and believes every word she says. But actually, once we chatted, it was obvious that he sees right through her and is just being polite and helpful out of kindness. So don't assume that anyone really believes your mum's lies.

I would let mum’s solicitors know that if brother is to be living in her home then he will be incurring her CC debt.

@Resisterance

I am lying awake stewing about my narcissist mother's behaviour today and seriously considering not seeing her anymore. You have all my heartfelt sympathies!

What did you decide?

You might find the stately homes thread on relationships helpfu

I had the embarrassment of sitting at dinner with her and another family, while she regaled them with one sided stories of how awful the rest of our family are. I was, on this occasion, laughingly referred to as 'the favourite daughter'. There's no point arguing, it won't help anything. I just kept saying 'well we're a family of very strong minded individuals', hoping that people would read between the lines.

OP you have my sympathies. My "DM" sounds very similar. I am the eldest ,,, "DD" of 2. My younger sister is certainly the Golden child. She constantly getting money off
Mum. I am low contact & 5 hours away. DS lives 3 hour flightaway.

So. I've popped on with an update.
I've had a breakthrough - of sorts.
Mummy dearest has always played my brother and I off against each other.

My husband and I visited on Sunday. My mum asked us to sell our Apartment. She'll sell her house, and then we can buy a property together so that we can care for her.

My brother visited on Monday and she told him "your sister is still pressuring me to sell the house..."

He and I had a frank discussion. She then called me to tell me that I've caused terrible trouble and that I have to learn to keep a secret.

I told her my brother and I are tired of her playing us off against each other. I'm not going to be keeping secrets or telling lies ...

She didn't say much. Just "harrumphed" and changed the subject.

So that's it. No punchline.
My husband says he wonders if I've made a wise move, but secrets and lies are poison and I can't bear her toxic behaviour.

That's all. No punchline.

Thank you all for your support on this thread.

OP I could’ve written all your posts word for word.i too an caring for my narc mother following the best 10mths of NC which was hard on DF who has dementia. End of life likely also For both Of them and like you, I rise above it all as my conscience will be clear at the end. I always said to her ‘it’ll be me at the end wiping your arse not the one you think will be’ and here I am. Smiling through it all.

My younger sister is the golden child. My DM too is still playing us off but my sister does believe her lies. Interestingly one of my mother’s oldest ‘friends‘ who she recently fell out with (another narc trait) did say ‘the trouble with her is she tells a lot of lies’. So here I am awake because I’m going through some malicious investigation with SS’s that ‘I am trying to get them to transfer their house into my name’ obviously I’m not and financially I’ve no need to which I think really really bothers her. My sister however is majorly gaslighting her and is swamped in debt living with a controlling man who has champagne taste and beer money. They’ve had £000’s off my mum and dad. Ironically the things I’m being accused of, they are actually doing. Being the golden child it would seem does you no favours in terms of being a success in relationships or otherwise. My real sisters are my dearest Friends who actually know me.

So, I raise a glass to all of us on here to the fact that the best revenge to years of a shitty childhood is to be a success in everything that you do not just materially but to have great relationships with our own children and other people. Sometimes we just are not born to the parents we deserve but it it futile to ever think they’ll change and become the parents we always wished we had.

I am late to the thread but sadly not late to being the victim of a narcissistic mother. I have read the full thread (first time in my years on here to do that) and nodded along with lots on here. I think I have finally reached the end of my tether at this point and although it is never nice to know you are not the only person going through this it is nice to know support is available. Take care of yourself OP. We are all in the same boat with you.