Narcissistic Mother

[LondonMrsA]

I’m writing this as a silent scream. If no one reads it or comments I won’t be disappointed. I simply need to get this out into the universe like an emotional vomit. Once I’ve purged, I might feel better.

I hate my mother. I had a horrible childhood. My parents divorced when I was 17. I then lived with my lovely grandparents for a year.

I have hundreds of stories about this cold, manipulative narcissist.

She’s now 78. She’s been ill for years. She won’t sell the family home because she has promised it to my brother (he already has his own home too).

Recently her lies and spiteful behaviour have escalated. I think her illness is making her even more bitter and angry.

My brother is her Carer. He doesn’t do it very well but I’m grateful nonetheless.

I have recently found out some of the lies she has been telling people about me. They’re the sort of things you might say about someone you absolutely detest - not the daughter who treats you with kindness, affection and respect and helps you financially.

Basically, I’m a good Actress. I’m lovely to my Mum because my behaviour is a reflection on me, not her. These latest revelations have broken my heart all over again.

If I’m honest - I wish she would hurry up and die.
Thank you for letting me vent.

OP do you know if you mother has made a Will leaving the house to your brother? If she has assets greater in value than the debts then the estate will need to settle the debts even if it means selling the house

I’d actually go NC/LC with them both. You do know your going to get saddled with the arrangements don’t you?

If you are named as executor you don’t have to take on the role and of course you certainly don’t have pay the upkeep for your brother!

Cheers to that.

'Sometimes we just are not born to the parents we deserve but it it futile to ever think they’ll change and become the parents we always wished we had'

Agreed

Oh, @LondonMrsA another one who’s been/going through it too.

Therapy has been an absolute lifesaver for me. Just the weight lifting as i realised properly it was them and not me!

It’s also helped me to cope so much better with my remaining parent.

While I was realising, and sometimes now, I play martyr/narcissist bingo with the expected comments. Childish, but it helps 😃

@Asterion

But do they like the daughter if there's a son? Or do they only like a daughter if there's another daughter to be the scapegoat?

I'm the scapegoat my db is the goldenchild.

My mother was the goldenchild and my uncle the scapegoat.

Both situations the first child is the goldenchild.

I’m the second and the scapegoat though my sister was a bloody nightmare 🤷🏻‍♀️

@WouldBeGood

I’m the second and the scapegoat though my sister was a bloody nightmare 🤷🏻‍♀️

Likewise my goldenchild db was a nightmare, but it was never his fault, "he was easily led" and his best friend was from a "broken home" therefore it was that kids fault they let fireworks off inside the school building, attacked the dinner ladies with windfall from trees around school etc.

I never got into terrible at school, always got good grades but it was never good enough and you'd think I was the devil's child the way my mother treated me.

Trouble not terrible

Im the eldest and the scapegoat. You get siblings both golden children.

Younger not you get!

I meant to say eldest and scapegoat, not second 😳

Very interesting. My (very amateur) theory is that narcissistic mothers often don’t like other women and, if they have a daughter and a son, the default is that the daughter is the scapegoat and the son is the golden child.

@Notthegoldenchild

I am late to the thread but sadly not late to being the victim of a narcissistic mother. I have read the full thread (first time in my years on here to do that) and nodded along with lots on here. I think I have finally reached the end of my tether at this point and although it is never nice to know you are not the only person going through this it is nice to know support is available. Take care of yourself OP. We are all in the same boat with you.

I haven't been back to this thread in an age. Thank you so much for your comment. In the days before the Internet I had no idea I was not alone in this! Crazy, but true. Thank You.

@WouldBeGood

Oh, *@LondonMrsA* another one who’s been/going through it too.

Therapy has been an absolute lifesaver for me. Just the weight lifting as i realised properly it was them and not me!

It’s also helped me to cope so much better with my remaining parent.

While I was realising, and sometimes now, I play martyr/narcissist bingo with the expected comments. Childish, but it helps 😃

God forgive me. I do this too.

@TrembleLikeAFlower

Very interesting. My (very amateur) theory is that narcissistic mothers often don’t like other women and, if they have a daughter and a son, the default is that the daughter is the scapegoat and the son is the golden child.

100% this. Thank You.

@gassylady

If you are named as executor you don’t have to take on the role and of course you certainly don’t have pay the upkeep for your brother!

I've decided to cross these bridges when I come to them. I will have no qualms sorting out my Mother's Estate in a fair and legal manner. Even if it means upsetting my brother. There are no friends in business - including the business of probate.

I've not popped back for a while. I'm overwhelmed by the kind and sensible responses to my initial shout into the abyss.

Before the Internet I had no idea my family dynamics were common and not at all unusual!

Mum texted me to say she was about to take an Overdose last Friday night.

If she had not answered my call on the third attempt I was ready to call an Ambulance.

Our subsequent conversation confirmed the fact she had no intention of killing herself. She simply felt that I was not being sufficiently attentive or emotional.

I responded in a very measured way. Anyone listening in would have been forgiven for thinking I was a Switchboard Operator on a Mental Health Helpline.

I've checked out mentally and emotionally. I'm quite literally just dialling it in now. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Doobiedooo

Ug London.

Shopping addiction, do you think? or everyday stuff? My mum blew £60k (maybe more) on some nonsense shopping channel...

Is your mum now expecting you and your brother to help her out? That seems to happen a lot at this end too... she creates very silly & sometimes very big! problems that need constant help. From alcoholic binges to constantly asking for help to get her telly working (often asks her female neighbour, who is the exact same age to help with her TV, or makes my brother drive 60miles to sort it out).

Seems to me they create problems so people are at their beck and call. I think the solution is for us to cut off the so-called “narcissistic supply”. Problem is, they are still our mums, and if you are anything like me, you’ve been raised to be super loyal and/or you’re very empathetic so it is hardwired into you to “want” to help (or at least feel anxious etc about it).

Anyway, courage! As 12234 says, there are reasons for this, and can be traced back to childhood trauma. I dwell on this a lot, and make many excuses for her. That said, as 12234 also says, some people are just not very nice. (Indeed, re trauma, I had a rotten childhood because of her, and I am not a narc, and nor are you OP!)

As above, it is tricky to have a narc for a mum. It is all one’s known. I only discovered through having kids of my own that most mums (me included!) are super loving to their kids, so when one has a total bitch for a mum, others really don’t get it...

In fact, to make things worse, narc mums - or at least this is true for my mum- like to bang on about how they are the BEST and most fabulous mums (Narc ahoy!), how super caring they are🧐, what great listeners they are 🤨; they also talk/cry to everyone about how caring they are, and then they do thoughtful things for others, which makes it all the more confusing for their kids-Ie us! And moreover we are the ones left sounding nasty, or as if we are talking rubbish (particularly to people who have only known their own loving mum). But it only works for so long. Others DO see through them... or they will in the future when the narc goes too far with them, which they will... or at least everyone is now wise to my mum.

anyway, good luck!

This. This. All of it. I think we may have the same mother. (Poor you!) I'm here for you

@LondonMrsA
I’ll assume by your mothers age you’re 40ish+, give up on wanting a mum, that ship sailed long ago.
Im 15 yrs NC and don’t regret it one bit.
There’s nothing to gain here for you except abuse and hurt.
You wouldn’t tolerate this from a friend, why are we expected to tolerate anything because we’re related?
Walk away and stay away.

I really feel for you OP. I'm in a similar position. My M is toxic and always has been. She's 83 and I'm 54. I'm about to go fully NC and will be changing my phone number. She has made my life a misery. She is totally alone. That's no exaggeration. I'm the only person she has in the world because nobody else wants to know her as a result of her behaviour. I'm engulfed in guilt but I can't have anything more to do with her. I've just starting "seeing" a new therapist to help me through the going NC process.
Sending love and hugs xxx

You’re braver than I. I am worried my Mum will die whilst we’re NC and that I won’t be able to live with that. (Apologies - That’s not a criticism).

Good luck.

Just wanted to say a thank you for all the contributions on this thread, its been helpful to know I am not alone in a way. Many of the posts so brave and full of wisdom. And positive, surprisingly. Wishing everyone the best this coming xmas and the festive season x

Solidarity. Thinking of you. Thank You.