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Elderly parents
Original poster

Not asking for help

29 replies

Orangeblossom7777 · 21/09/2020 11:35

and then getting in a pickle?

Does anyone else have this with elderly parents? I am having it with in laws.

Not wanting to ask for help with health conditions and then moaning symptoms are getting worse, and then needing hospital admissions and drama as A&E not helping, sending home.

It has happened several times and finally the got some help after we messaged PALs and got some meds for the condition.

Now, they won't speak to us... it's so frustrating to see. Finding it difficult to listen to the moaning now when they don't do anything about it.

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Dreamersandwishers · 22/09/2020 08:52

Hi @Orangeblossom7777 got this in spades with elderly mil. Lots of passive-aggressive crap : ‘I shouldn’t have to ask’, xx family are always round at hers etc.
It’s generally day to day stuff like food shopping. She insists she will do it herself, then calls around 6.30 to complain she has nothing to eat.
In her case, she has always been attention seeking but as she gets older she has zero consideration for others. Lockdown has made it worse.
DH tends to ignore her until she plays nice, but as I am currently at home she just calls me. ( I don’t always answer) It’s hard - if she were my mother we would have a direct conversation, but she cannot deal with those, even from DH so the cycle continues.
Maybe just ignore them for a bit ? Or be blunt. It’s a tough time of life for them and those of us trying to help.

Purplewithred · 22/09/2020 08:59

My PIL have really struggled to let us take over more of the admin burden - but I can completely understand that, it must be very diminishing to have your kids running your finances, explaining everything. They’ve gone from being the strong ones to the dependent helpless ones.

We did go through a long couple of years of them getting in a mess, asking us for help, but not giving the organisations we were dealing with permission to talk to us. We’ve finally got it cracked - although mainly because both now recognise FIL dementia is progressing and they just can’t handle.

But really they are both lovely and I can understand how hard it must be for them.

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/09/2020 10:40

Oh yes. Tripping over, hitting head on corner of railing, refusing an ambulance "because he doesn't want to be any trouble", turning up on my doorstep with blood cascading down his face. "Next time", I said "just get an ambulance. It's a lot less hassle".

Of course, I'm aware of all the times he's put off "bothering us" until the problem has got too large to manage, and I don't know about all the times where he's sorted it for himself and was quite right not to call for our help.

Original poster
Orangeblossom7777 · 22/09/2020 13:33

Yes, the problem is it actually can cause more problems in the end. I'm standing back a bit now and letting DH deal with it more. They did get some follow up due to the PALs intervention but it will be up to them to engage...

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MereDintofPandiculation · 23/09/2020 11:16

Finding it difficult to listen to the moaning now when they don't do anything about it. Try using that to close the conversation. "Yes, but you were offered this help and decided against it, which is why things are as they are now". Keep repeating something like that whenever a moan starts.

Original poster
Orangeblossom7777 · 23/09/2020 16:08

I am starting to say things like 'so what are you planning to do' when they moan and maybe making suggestions if asked but standing back a little.

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Dreamersandwishers · 23/09/2020 20:58

Good for you. Excellent approach.

MereDintofPandiculation · 23/09/2020 21:16

Yes, good approach.

Original poster
Orangeblossom7777 · 10/10/2020 15:02

Thanks. It is not easy is it. Things are getting worse, FIL going to be discharged from hospital and they are refusing help from the home from hospital service. But then ringing me upset and anxious about what will happen now. DH cross with me for saying he might be able to help with some of the equipment (note to self- do not volunteer DH) even though he did mention this to me previously (he could help with it) Argh

So, another thing will try is let him deal with it. His parents after all. Sometimes it feels like they turn to me as I am female? and his sisters are either not close by of have their own caring responsibilities.

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Elieza · 10/10/2020 15:26

They won’t want ‘strangers in the house’. Nobody does. So they are hoping that somehow you and he can solve their problem if they decline help. What they are thinking and what you are thinking doesn’t align.

Nope. You are not carers. They need to bite the bullet and accept the professional medical help if offered. Get them told that you arent trained and they need professional help and you can come up the same no of times per day/week as you currently do but that isn’t enough for whatever care is required but you can avail yourselves to be there the first time the carers come so do feel safe with them.

Do not give in. This is just the start. There will be more and more help required. Eventually three or four times a day. It’s just not possible for you to do this so they may as well accept the ‘strangers’ now as it will come to that anyway.

Don’t let them take over your lives. It’s fine to be helpful but not fine to be a carer when you have lives and jobs and dc of your own too.

Original poster
Orangeblossom7777 · 10/10/2020 15:44

Thanks. I have been reading a couple of posts on here and see this seems to be common. I also have my own parents to deal with who are separated and live in one of the lockdown areas, so it all feels a bit overwhelming.

I notice that they have two daughters; one is abroad and unable to travel here due to quarantine, and the other has a sick child to look after, but they don't seem to be rushing in to help either. So I think we are the next option. Also their granddaughter, who is giving lifts now that he can't drive.

Yes it exactly that about 'people coming in' saying things like 'they aren't trained nurses' and the like. Also starting refusing the meds and home equipment too. Not easy. It's starting to stress me out (I do get anxiety and depression anyway and have my own DC and family to support as well). I'm also helping an elderly neighbour who had a stroke with shopping etc during this time (her family are abroad) and it can all get a bit overwhelming (although she is fine and not demanding)

OP posts:
SBTLove · 10/10/2020 15:49

Next time the say nothing trainer nurses’ say ‘neither am I!’
I think the frustrating thing is the insistence that they are independent when they definitely are not. You need to have firm boundaries and be able to say NO.

SBTLove · 10/10/2020 16:52

*not trained

Elieza · 10/10/2020 16:57

I wonder if there is any advice on the website for whatever charity helps people with the same condition?

Or saga’s website or help the aged or something?

You’d think it’s such a common problem that it must be discussed on an olds’ forum somewhere to give them advice?

thesandwich · 10/10/2020 17:09

Make sure the hospital discharge team understand what you will and will not do and not take it from olds.
Hospital sws can be helpful on this too. Ot visit before discharge to provide equipment. Care package in place.
You have so much on already- what if you were ill/ had to isolate?
Look after yourself. Make your health and well-being a priority. 🌺🌺

Original poster
Orangeblossom7777 · 10/10/2020 21:11

MIL very upset, in tears at him coming home, he is very unstable on oxygen and breathless (lung disease) but he wants to some home...very sad and concerning. I advised speak to PALs perhaps

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Original poster
Orangeblossom7777 · 10/10/2020 21:11

He's been offered Oramorph but refusing it

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thesandwich · 11/10/2020 18:33

Sending 🌺🌺 make sure hospital understand what you will and won’t do.
“ unsafe discharge” is a phrase that is useful...

Original poster
Orangeblossom7777 · 12/10/2020 09:23

Thanks. Well, they say he is coming home tomorrow, but they are still refusing to have the home from hospital support service, so I'm not sure what will happen. But I'm trying to let go a bit Flowers

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thesandwich · 12/10/2020 09:25

Thinking of you. Make sure hospital know you are not available - dps will tell them you will be. Good luck- stay strong.

Elieza · 12/10/2020 17:39

Do they know you will not help them. Have you told them?

If not you’d best do so as they may accept the package as it’s better than nothing.

Original poster
Orangeblossom7777 · 13/10/2020 08:44

They know I won't be helping, yes. They have not actually asked me, just keep telling me about things. Fingers crossed it goes OK.

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Elieza · 13/10/2020 16:34

Is he home yet OP.

Original poster
Orangeblossom7777 · 14/10/2020 08:27

Hi yes he is, seems to be doing Ok thanks Flowers

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Original poster
Orangeblossom7777 · 23/10/2020 15:17

Right, I think I see what is going on now. It seems FIL is controlling and only 'allowing' MIL to help him.

She is becoming increasingly worn down, nearly in her 80s herself. He seems quite controlling. For example mentioned a prescription and I said if we can collect it to help (it was raining) Was told he says it has to be her collecting it. But he also wants her to stay with him all the time.

I think he has always been bit like this but it is getting worse. MIL does not seem to be able to tell him no (maybe as he 'can be nasty' apparently) and this pattern has come about.

So, he wanted his elderly frail wife to walk out in the rain to collect his prescription instead of us getting it. Not very nice.

He is getting away with this behaviour and she's saying it is 'because of the illness' and her father was the same

All ringing alarm bells for me. Anyone got any experience of this please?

Also, they are asking me to go round and sit with him one day, and to see the teen DC as well..but they have had covid cases at school so I am being hesitant. Been made to feel I am being over anxious

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