Does your elderly mother worry this much

[Sarahpaula]

I am 36. My mother is 72. She always seems to imagine the worst case scenarios for me in everyrhing I do. She wants me to tell her where I am. She seems to imagine me killed or missing every week. I am at the moment travelling around Mexico and working remotely, But I am 36! She wanted daily contact, I managed to get it down to once a week, but she is always panicking and stressing. I once sent her a text saying i wouldn't be in touch for a couple of weeks and she told me that she thought that some one had kidnapped me and sent her that text.

How do you deal with an elderly, worrying mother. It is exhausting. I don't know if it is genuine worry, or if she uses worry as an excuse for attention and to know what I am up to. she doesn't have much going on in her life, she is divorced and lives alone
.

How did you deal with an elderly worrying clingy mother?

I can also add that my mothet is generally not nice to me when I see her, but I feel guilty, and I stay in contact with her.

I'd say that if your mum was nice to you and this came from a place of love then yep, a message once a day would be just fine to stop her worrying if you could manage that.

It's all about your relationship isn't it? I had a fantastic relationship with my mum and we would whatsapp every day and usually talk quite a few times a week. So, for me, messaging my mum wasn't a chore (err not often!!) and something I did because we'd always have a laugh and it kept her from worrying

So it's about your relationship overall really. If she's an awful person then you're going to feel differently about this. If you love her and want her not to worry then just drop her a line as often as you're able to

@FelicityFisher

No, having read through the forum, I am like many women on this forum.

I do not like my mother at all. She is cold, cruel and nasty. If she wasn't my mother I would have nothing to do with her. Any time she messages me she makes me feel terrible. My brother barely talks to her. Yet I feel the terrible guilt that I should stay in contact with her - she is my mother. I just wish I could be free of her.

I wish I could be more selfish like a man - my brother barely talks to her and never feels bad about it. I always feel terribly guilty and give in. I just feel like I cannot be free of her. She is some one I do not like at all- yet guilt keeps me chained to her

Sending a quick message is fine, but you imply it's more about control and attention. Which is not fine

Yes I feel it is more about control and attention.

If I don't contact her, she will say she is so worried about me, and she will get my brother to ring me.

Reading my own posts back, what I actually want to do is cut off all contact with her. She was cruel and nasty to me so many times as a child. But is just seems 'wrong' to cut off your mother.

Has anyone been brave enough to do it?

I think you may do better with this if you ask on the relationships board. This is less to do with your mother's age and more to do with your relationship.

Catastropizing is a real thing, it's tied up with anxiety. I have a friend who at 50 was supposed to check in with her mother when she got to work every day just in case she'd had an accident on the way in. Their need to know you are safe/where you are/who you are with may not be an attempt to control you but an attempt to manage their anxiety about your safety. When you are on the receiving end it doesn't matter what the reasons are for it, it's intrusive and annoying.

thanks Knotakitter. I just think that level of worry is not normal, maybe her mother and mine are mentally ill? Either way, I cannot stand being around my mother. Even receiving a text off her makes me feel bad for hours. As It reminds me of how cruel she was to me.

I have just put my foot down with her. I have told her that I will only message her once ever two weeks, and I am going to stick to it. I already feel so much freer, happier and better.

It is hard to stand up to our mothers, but we have to put our own mental health, sanity and happiness first.

i know that she will now probably get my brother to ring me, and be nasty to me about not contacting her, but I am going to stand firm. and put myself first.

I send a hug to anyone who has to get away from their mother, it is hard, my mother has caused me so much mental pain and anguisn

@Knotaknitter what did your friend do? Her mother sounds very like mine. It is worry, but I also think it is control.

"How can I get my daughter to be in contact every day? By telling her I will really worry if she doesn't"

My mum has always made dramas out of nothing since we were kids. It was exhausting but i don't engage any more. Agree it's about your relationship. My mum used me as an emotional crutch when i was very young and then moved onto bullying me when i got fed up with it. So i feel no sense of duty to her. Plus she has my dad whereas I'm a widow

My best friend’s mum does this. Imo she just enjoys toying with her and stressing her out. Literally for fun. It’s that simple.

There’s nothing morally wrong with cutting a parent out of your life

Missed your later posts before. I recognise the feeling of stress when she contacts you due to past history. I grey rock my mum. I see her from time to time, but it's in my control now and i won't be drawn into constant phone calls. My dad arranges things by email. It's quite possible my mum will outlive me as i take after my grandma who lived til 60 whereas she is very fit and healthy at 77 and looks to be taking after her siblings/father/grandmother who lived til 90. She gave me a very unhappy childhood but i simply refuse to let her wreck my entire life

My aunt has contacted me a few times to ask me to meet up with my mum once a week as she gets depressed. If she does again i will explain that i would find it too stressful due to how she treated me as a child and that my mental health is important too

Have a look at Fear Obligation and Guilt .
My dm is the same, wants to know where everyone is. It’s about control.
Live your life

So this isn't about a mum worrying about you is it? It's about the fact you don't like her and she treats you badly and you want to go no contact with her

So I'd start a thread based on that because I basically answered the question based on your opening post and don't have experience of WW tong to cut contact with a parent

What did my friend do? She told her mother that she wouldn't be checking in every morning from the work car park. She assured her mother that in the event of her not turning up at work due to the dead in the ditch scenario then her manager would call her mother and they'd take it from there. I have no idea whether she actually told her manager anything at all about this and I doubt it because who would say that their mother kept tabs on them like that?

Definitely look into f o g.
Ask for this to be moved to relationships or start a new thread where you explain your childhood. There's been great advice on here from similar situations.
Is your brother also abusive, can you ask him not to ring to check on you.

Why does it have to be moved?

This is in the Elderly parents forum, which is appropriate.

Thanks for the responses

@FelicityFisher it is about my mother's incessant worrying. I started the thread because my mother's worrying is driving me insane. Yes she was abusive and cruel and nasty, but I do still want to be some part of her life. I can't go no contact with her altogether. I will try to get her down to low contact.

So with low contact, I still have to handle her worrying

I think what people are suggesting is that you may get responses here that focus on whether your mother has any age-related illness, or needs any support or assessment.

Whereas it appears from your description, that this is a relationship issue with your mother that isn't really about her age, it's about control? Unless you're saying that this is a very recent development, in which case it might be an idea to get her seen by her GP in case she has a UTI or another illness needing treatment, and the excess worrying could be a symptom.

Then drop her a quick line each day, if you're able, to reassure her then? It's that simple

All the other stuff - the other poster is correct. You'll get better responses in relationships because at the heart of this is not a lighthearted whinge about a parent who would like more contact from you

This is the grey rock method. It's useful if you don't feel able to cut contact altogether. I'd prefer to cut contact but don't feel able to so do this. I actually had worked out to do it for the sake of my sanity before i knew it had a name.
www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock

A friend of mine experienced this years ago. When he bought a motorbike, his mother wanted him to ring her every evening to say he had arrived home safely. He just said no.

You might like to look into the Cockroach Cafe on the elderly parents topic. One of the recurring themes there is managing relationships with elderly parents who are (and often always have been) difficult and make unreasonable demands.

Thanks very much @GrapeHyacinth it is so very hard to cut them off alotgether isn't it. I will try the grey rock method - be more boring in ny responses

@ComeBackIntoTheGardenMaud my mother wanted me to text her every day. I didn't want to. I wanted to text her once a week. The amount of drama I got!

Mum said "but my best friend's daughter talks to her every day. But my sister's daughter sees her every day".

She then said that I was probably mentally ill, that I was probably bipolar.

Then she got my brother to ring me to wear me down, he said "why arent you ringing mum, mum could die and you wouldn't know".
I know that he doesn't care if I ring her, but I know what happens. If I don't ring her, she rings him and hounds him and wears him down until he can't bear it and he rings me.

Sigh. I still have the contact set at once a week though. I got through all that and stuck to it