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Elderly parents
Original poster

Is my Mother in law a psychopath?

85 replies

Keeksbeeks · 14/07/2020 14:12

I'm a Pakistani muslim, I'm 24 and would love if your actually somewhat same religion/culture as me because It will be better to understand this topic, Soooo I've been married 4 years and I live with my mil, Fil and my husband. I'm slowly losing the will to live. I live in a very strict household where my mil wears the pants in the house and controls all aspects of everything, literally. I'm still a daughter-in-law and an outsider so I can sometimes challenge her on certain issues. However, one thing she thrives in is control!! She loves control and has ridiculous OCD. So here's the issue, my mil and mom do not get along, and my mil hates it when I even mention that I would like to visit my parents. (Yes, I have to ask permission to go and see them) and sometimes even have massive arguments with me when I ask to see them, currently I only have permission to see them once every 2 weeks and even then sometimes I don't get to see them. I'm so frustrated and I don't know what to do, my husband has no problem with me going however he's too scared from his mum. I want to cry, what should I do 😭

OP posts:
chasingrainbows3 · 14/07/2020 14:14

Get out now whilst you can, do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? I feel for you, your MIL sounds bonkers x

crosseyedMary · 14/07/2020 14:15

Escape

Sunnydayshereatlast · 14/07/2020 14:15

You pack a bag and you leave and get to dps as fast as you can. Tell your dh you will return when she has moved out.
And mean it.

RememberTheSunnierDays · 14/07/2020 14:17

Move out if you live with them! Just get it arranged and slowly move bus out so they don’t notice, then tell them 🤣

onlywomennotmen · 14/07/2020 14:18

This sounds abusive. Can you move back to your parents? Is there anywhere else you could go in the short term? Do you have any other support inside or outside the community? If you haven't already brought children into this situation, think very, very carefully whether you should as it would only make things more difficult. I feel very sorry for you.

bembridge11 · 14/07/2020 14:19

Pack a bag and leave. If your husband values his marriage he will see he needs to set up a separate household. My family are also Muslim. But this isn't Pakistan in the 1930s: it is England in 2020. You don't have to tolerate this type of behaviour.

TheVanguardSix · 14/07/2020 14:21

You have to choose to either endure life or to live it. I know what I'd do. Flowers

Itsjustabitofbanter · 14/07/2020 14:25

Go see your parents. And stay there. You only get one life, is this how you want to live yours?

CaptainMyCaptain · 14/07/2020 14:27

I'm not Pakistani or Muslim but you have the same rights as everyone else in the UK (assuming you are here) you don't have to live like this. Can you go back to your family?

Morechocmorechoc · 14/07/2020 14:28

You're very young to put up with this forever. Also imagine if you have kids. They will make all the choices. Like they aren't your children. Do you want that for your kids? Run while you can

YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/07/2020 14:28

Go. Will your parents let you live with them? Do you have DC? If not, run before you get pregnant.

WingBingo · 14/07/2020 14:30

Run!

Iverunoutofnames · 14/07/2020 14:32

No one, and I mean no one, had the right to control you. You are a free person. Leave this place.

Pippin2028 · 14/07/2020 14:32

I know from friends in Pakistani culture it's expected that the DIL waits on the MIL or this was how it was in the past. If the MIL still has the traditional mentality, this is why she expects this however you are so young, even from the sounds of things the boxer amir khan's wife endured this with her PIL too. It is a battle of you been a young woman raised in the UK and the battle of the old Pakistani traditions. Hopefully someone from a similar background can advise you soon but you may have to do battle and insist on your own household. Even if you and your husband are saving up for a mortgage, it would do you better in the long run to rent somewhere and have freedom. Good luck

Apolloanddaphne · 14/07/2020 14:33

Go and live with your parents. If your DH loves you he will come with you. If he doesn't then you will be well out of an enmeshed relationship.

SnuggyBuggy · 14/07/2020 14:40

This isn't going to get better and you know it

summersolstice43 · 14/07/2020 14:40

Has you mil said why she feels she doesn't want you seeing your parents? Talk to her and find out. It could be that she's afraid of you bringing the virus back to her home which you could pick up while you are out of the house. This is the only rational explanation I can possibly think of. If anyone stopped me seeing my parents I'd be out of there like a shot.

Original poster
Keeksbeeks · 14/07/2020 14:49

Guys it's a bit more difficult then that, we have our own home already, currently it has tenants in it, I'm pregnant too 19 weeks nearly and my husband is the only son. So even if we really wanted to get out, there's this constant blackmail of "oh you left us" it's so hard to explain. And the rules are completely different for her own daughters. They live in their own houses and come and go as they please! This is England not Pakistan but for gods sake why can't this woman think of this shit herself!!!

OP posts:
frog22 · 14/07/2020 14:49

You don't need to put up with this. Presumably your husband is happy for you to have to ask his mum for 'permission' to see your family? Get out, move and leave it all behind. You will look back when you are 26 and wonder why you put up with it in the first place.

Jayaywhynot · 14/07/2020 14:50

Exhange "MIL" for "Husband" you would think you had an abusive husband and if your friend / sister was telling this story you would probably urge her to get help and leave.
It's still abuse if your mil is doing this to you, I agree with others that you need to leave, it will get worse especially if you have children, good luck

Gamble66 · 14/07/2020 15:03

Your husband needs to grow a backbone

WTFisthisabout · 14/07/2020 15:07

@Keeksbeeks You might want to move this thread to relationships where there is a wider audience and other posters in a similar situation. This board is more for people dealing with elderly parents who need care. I have DC your age and I barely think of myself as middle-aged, let alone elderly! Grin

I am so sorry you have to deal with this Flowers

TheABC · 14/07/2020 15:10

I am guessing you moved into their family home, rather than the other way around. I am not from the same cultural background, but my friends - who are - all live in single-couple households with a regular pattern of visits to their parents/in-laws.

If you told DH you wanted to move out and start a household of your own, what would happen?

Windinmyhair · 14/07/2020 15:12

I will say first that I'm not Muslim, so have no first hand knowledge of your situation.

I think you need to talk to DH.

Set out how whilst you respect that his mother is very traditional, you are not prepared to live your whole life being dictated to.

He needs to understand that you need to remove your tenants as soon as possible and move out. BEFORE your baby is born. Whilst he is scared of his mother, you need to remind him 'what can she do?' she can moan and complain, but what can she actually do if you move out? Moaning and guilt tripping is NOT worse than what you are putting up with now - he is currently taking the path of least resistance.

If you don't have him as an ally prepared to stand up for you, then you don't have a marriage.

Have you told your family? Are they similarly traditional or would they support you through a divorce if you find your husband won't stand up for you?

FamBae · 14/07/2020 15:13

You need to tell your DH how much this is upsetting you especially with a baby on the way, and that as your husband he should have your back, I wondered if it had become worse since you announced your pregnancy. Maybe your DH could tell his parents he's taking you for a day out and then just take you to your mum's, he really does need to man up though and tell his mum that if she doesn't back off she will lose you both and the joy of having her grandchild living in the same house. I hope all works out well for you Flowers

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