Elderly parents are hard work.

[Beautiful3]

I am only in my thirties and already have elderly parents who are deaf and non verbal (sign language users), my father is now going blind too. My mother is now on oxygen and in a wheelchair. My dad used to care for my mum but cannot do so now. They have not taken good care of them selves either. For example they are now diabetics on insulin but still continue to have sugary cakes and in tea.

I ensure they get to their drs, podiatry, dentist, opticians and hair dressers/ barbers. Also have food delivered. But I'm finding it all over whelming as I have two young children, I feel as though i spend my life running around after my parents. I feel deeply unappreciated as they never ask how my family and I are, ever. In fact one child has recently gone through something awful and im now feeling resentful towards my parents for never asking or taking an interest in them.

The problem is every time I see them, they produce a long list of things e.g. yesterday's was, to wash their windows, cut the grass, open a clothes catalogue account, order a new sofa (they've had 3 new ones in the past 4 years!), get their perfectly fine gas fire capped and removed and order and install an electric one. Book a hair appointment.

Obviously I prioritise what really needs doing as I don't physically have time to do everything they want. I'm already taking dad to a hospital appointment also mum to the opticians (for the third time this year) next week.

The problem is my mother expects too much, for example she often asks me to book a hair appointment right in the middle of the day 12 noon. Then asks me on the day to take her which is hard work because her wheel chair doesn't fit my car and there are double yellow lines outside the shop. I have to lift and half carry her into the salon and ask them to book her a taxi back due to the school run. She pulls a sad face when i explain that i cannot take her home because it falls on the school run. I explained yesterday that from now on she needs to either get a taxi there and back in her wheelchair, or let my mobile hairdresser friend do her hair. She looked upset. She likes the salon.

Another problem is my sister, she is unemployed and lives locally but refuses to help unless its shopping for goods but never food! Whenever I don't help buy another sofa, light fitting, or another fire, she will take them and order a new one but then leave them with the delivery and installation consequences. For example last month she helped order a new American smeg type fridge that wouldn't fit through their doorways. She tried to leave it to me to deal with. Even though I had no idea who the company were, nor her credit card details!

I'm feeling like I have zero time for myself and I m fed up running around after them. Especially during the school holidays when i have the little ones around. I get zero childcare/babysitting and feeling drained.

Anyone who read all of that, you deserve a medal!

Sorry I don’t have advice. It sounds bloody difficult though. You are a saint. Would they accept any outside help?

Wow you have ended up as the family doormat. Start sorting their care home. That might make them a lot more appreciative. The other thing is start claiming attendance allowance. Time to pin your useless sister down too. Split the jobs and learn to say no. You're young to be doing this and it's come at a time when you have other smaller people needing you so pull in any support you can get.

You need to sit down with your sister and parents. You need to work out a schedule and divide up responsibilities. Do this IN FRONT OF YOUR PARENTS. Then your sister will be less able to shirk her responsibilities.
You need to be frank with them and yourself how much you can do. If there are gaps start talking about carers. Don’t let them guilt trip you into doing more than you can handle. As you say, you are really beginning to resent them. Work it all out beforehand, be willing to make a few compromises, but do not let your parents bully you and do not let your sister off the hook.
Caring for parents is very difficult. It should be something you do out of love. You are letting yourself be taken advantage of. You want to do what’s best for them but you want to still be able to enjoy helping them, not dread it. Good luck and stand firm!

yesterday's was, to wash their windows, cut the grass, open a clothes catalogue account, order a new sofa (they've had 3 new ones in the past 4 years!), get their perfectly fine gas fire capped and removed and order and install an electric one. Book a hair appointment.

It sounds like they have some money if they are unnecessarily buying new furnishings, so they can surely pay someone to wash the windows, cut the grass, take a taxi to hairdresser etc? Can they book workmen and taxi drivers with their communication difficulties?

You will have to start saying no, which is difficult, but their needs will only increase over time so you really need to protect yourself.

Agree they should use some of their income to pay for help .
Do not feel guilty about cutting down what you can reasonably do .
Your priorities lie with your children , you will end up ill if you carry on like this .
That would not benefit anyone.

Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate it. It felt good just to vent really. As i would never moan about them in real life.

My sister is not speaking to me because I asked her for help a few years ago. When our mum came out of intensive care and ended up in a wheelchair. She rarely visits our parents, prefering to face time them once a week. Unless its to go shopping once in a blue moon (for something truly useless).

I contacted social services. They came out to assess them a few days ago. But I don't think they answered their questions truthfully. As I wanted carers to check on them once a week and offer to do a light shop, establish an emergency contact if I'm not around, and raise bathing issues (mother cannot get in nor out of the bath). It seems to have resulted in a suggestion for his feet to get looked after, which they are (took him last week) and a form for them to get a blue badge for a car that they don't have?! Im assuming it may be for me? But cannot fit mothers wheel chair in, so feel like it's pointless really.

The thing is because they are only in their seventies so I know they are going to be around for a long time. I truly wasn't expecting to be caring for them until my fourties/fifties when my children were older. I really would prefer it if they went into a lovely home, especially the one my great grandma is in (It's really nice). We could look around, they could choose one. I dont care about their house being sold and not having an inheritence, as it means I would be free of the worry that they're unsafe.

I don't want to claim for anything like carers allowance as money is tight and my husband's asked me to look for a part time job( now both children are in school full time) So I'm going to have even less time for my parents soon.

My brother lives miles away but visits them once a year. Last time he stayed, he told them to tell me to clean their house once a week! My father is capable of light cleaning and I ordered him a great lightweight vaccum (gtech). I told my brother to clean it if he felt neccesary during his two week stay! Obviously he didnt!

I agree with previous poster,they seem to be comfortable financially so arrange to hire a cleaner and gardener,use taxis.Apply for Blue Badge,it "goes" with the person,can be used by anyone who transports them to places.My 90 year old mother doesnt own a car and has a BB.

Yes it's really hard. You need to firstly try and get power of attorney for both heath and money as they have to sign the paperwork whilst they are competent. I would then start to discuss moving them, they need carers possibly soon, and they need an environment that they can manage more themselves. It can take a while so start looking before a crisis . I don't know their financial situation but it's worth talking to adult social services and care orgs for advice

Yes these are all good ideas. I shall investigate the power of attorney route. As this would help with transitioning into a home in the future. I also like the idea of them paying for a gardener, window cleaner and taxis. I will have to ask them first, if they refuse I cannot enforce it and will be back to square one.

You know what OP - they could have dirty windows and an unkempt garden then - their choice.

Don't be blackmailed - you have your own family with your children and husband to look after.

As I wanted carers to check on them once a week and offer to do a light shop, establish an emergency contact if I'm not around, and raise bathing issues (mother cannot get in nor out of the bath).

Ok. So if this is all they need, it's not clear they'd be eligible under the Care Act for support from LA Eg if they are otherwise independent with key things like personal care, making food and drinks, and all the other criteria. Mum would be be entitled to an OT bathing assessment but as they sound financially well off she'd likely have to pay, so it'd be advice and information after OT assessment unless a very small piece of equipment. Wet rooms, stairlifts, ramps, they all tend to be financially assessed under DFGs.

Window cleaning, laundry, housework, gardening etc are services that they can pay for. And that's quite liberating as I doubt you have time to run your own house let alone theirs
Mother would be better off using a wheelchair taxi as you or she may get hurt trying to transfer her in and out of your car, let alone lifting her wheelchair into your boot.

It sounds like they could do with a private Personal assistant ie. A regular carer who they have once or twice a week who organises them. Probably cost about £20-40 a week for 2 hours depending on where they live. You can advertise or use word of mouth or use a care agency. If both were claiming Attendance allowance they'd have £60 each a week extra.
Definitely talk to them about LPAs whilst you can.

It's really worth looking on your local County council's adult services dept website as there will be plentiful advice on there about services and support.

The key is you don't have to do it. It's lovely to visit them and sort out important issues, but you don't have to get involved with ordering unneccesary extra sofas or stuff "Mum I don't have time for that, you have an hour of my time today and on X day" or a "I'm too busy to visit next week will see you following Tuesday. Don't save me a ridiculous list as I've little free time"

As the Smeg fridge didn't fit through their front door why they needed to do was reject the delivery. Then it's up to your sister to sort out rest. Her order, her credit card. They are all expecting and asking you to do stuff because you step in. Try stepping back sometimes and say No & that they ask someone else as you're too busy. There's 3 adult DCs. The other two seem to have no problem in saying no.

outreach29 is spot on.
If they could afford to pay for cleaner, gardener, window cleaner, and choose not to, then ..

You know what OP - they could have dirty windows and an unkempt garden then - their choice.

Becoming a carer for someone is a choice that sneaks up on you, harder to avoid when you live with someone, but it's still a choice in this situation if you realise. Easier to explain when you have children dependent on you too.

To me the GP and health appointments are important. And firefighting of crises like fixing when heating isn't working or they need online shopping service ordered and for you to put it away for them (if dad can't).

Leave them with details of cleaners, window cleaner etc or arrange a few interviews at theirs whilst you can support them to negotiate.

You say you don't want to apply for carers allowance, but you should look at attendance allowance if they don't already get it - it's non-means tested, and is designed to cover the extra costs of living with increasing disability. It would give you a good argument re window cleaning etc "that's what your AA is for, to pay things like that".

I’m shocked by this post

I think elderly parents are very hard work but I’ve never done anything like this. They are taking the piss.

It helped when setting boundaries to tell my mother that my husband had put his foot down. She felt she could bully me, but he was an unknown quantity. Her big fear was being abandoned altogether.

I also, after experience of no sibling or financial support when my dad was ill , decided to do my best to ensure my family were not resentful. The costs to me (petrol etc) of helping my parents were adding up. My parents had money, so did my brother. We had the least but the time and financial burden fell on me. When my mother needed help, I put my foot down. My family were not to be out of pocket.

Tell your parents, perhaps with your DH, that you are going to need to find a part time job and so will no longer support them. They might employ someone, or perhaps they could employ you. Expect blowback, but brave the storm. They will not want you to walk out. They will be frightened and, after a last ditch attempt at
bullying you, will cave. Define what you are prepared to do, perhaps one afternoon a week. Suggest solutions to different problems. Gardener, online food delivery etc. You will help them set things up, but you cannot continue to carry the burden, financially or emotionally.

Plus you will need a complete rest/break as you look for a job. You are exhausted and cannot carry on.

"I also like the idea of them paying for a gardener, window cleaner and taxis. I will have to ask them first, if they refuse I cannot enforce it and will be back to square one.

They will refuse. Then you say "that's a shame as I simply don't have the time to do it. I'll leave the phone numbers here in case you change your mind". If they choose to have dirty windows, or can't get to the hairdresser, they won't be harmed. Save your energy for helping them with important stuff that can't be easily outsourced.

I’m kind of still fuming about this

I wouldn’t even say “I don’t have time”. If you were sipping cocktails all day, it’s not right for them to ask all the things they ask of you.

I was really worried for being unreasonable. Im really appreciative and so grateful for all your comments. I no longer feel like the 'bad' person. I will continue to get them to medical appointments and ensure that they are safe, warm and have food. But everything else will have to be outsourced or at their request left looking unkempt. My house really needs a good clean which is happening tomorrow! Im burning through so much petrol taking them everywhere. I will explain this when I see them in a few days. Maybe then they 'll understand.

The thing I can't seem to shake off is that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It happens, every time I think about the long list of things they expect from me. Im worried that if their demands escalate that I"ll start avoiding them. Which would be a truly horrible thing to do. But at the moment I don't enjoy popping in to socialise with them anymore, because of this ever growing list. Instead lately I'm frequently taking them places or doing some chores with minimal interaction. Just in case they ask for more!

I wonder if your feeling of dread is partly that you think you're about to lose your rag with them - which I think would be a good thing tbh.

How long have you been caring for them btw?

@RosaWaiting

I always helped out due to their deafness and lack of communication. However since mum went into a wheelchair a few years ago I have been taking on more jobs. Since my father has recently become blind in one eye with the other following suit. I am suddenly responsible for numerous tasks. It's like another poster mentioned, all these jobs have progressively accumulated over time. Its only been the last few months Im thinking, how did this happen to me?!

I would never lose my temper with them, because they are vulnerable people. My father has mild learning difficulties so he doesnt always understand situationd, like you and I would. I genuinely feel sorry for them. But I cannot live on the bread line whilst running ragged after them. That's the truth of it.

You have had brilliant advice here and you are absolutely right to put things in place and step back.
With attendance allowance, order forms by post then claim will be backdated to the date posted. Get help from age uk or carers uk to complete them. Not means tested but very useful funds for the help they need. Good luck and keep your resolve.

OP sorry to ask this as it sounds like yet another job for you - but have you checked out what they might be entitled to?

you mentioned about them going into a home too which sounds like it might be a good option?

I am not a bad tempered person but would lose my rag at the expectations they have. For example, your mum and the hairdressers - and you cleaning windows and so on. It's fine if you volunteered but it sounds like they are just dumping on you.

You can also contact Age UK for help. I’m not sure if people realise they arrange help for people but that people pay for it themselves.

@thesandwich & @MereDintofPandiculation

Thank you. I will find out more about attendance allowance. It would be perfect to allow for taxis and other services.

@Herocomplex
Yes I contacted age UK last summer. I too didn't realise that most help for the elderly was private and fully payable. It seems wrong that only those who can afford to access a help alarm, (around the neck) get help after a fall, whereas poorer ones lie on the floor until they are found. It was a real eye opener.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/attendance-allowance-claim-form