Elderly parents are hard work.

[Beautiful3]

I am only in my thirties and already have elderly parents who are deaf and non verbal (sign language users), my father is now going blind too. My mother is now on oxygen and in a wheelchair. My dad used to care for my mum but cannot do so now. They have not taken good care of them selves either. For example they are now diabetics on insulin but still continue to have sugary cakes and in tea.

I ensure they get to their drs, podiatry, dentist, opticians and hair dressers/ barbers. Also have food delivered. But I'm finding it all over whelming as I have two young children, I feel as though i spend my life running around after my parents. I feel deeply unappreciated as they never ask how my family and I are, ever. In fact one child has recently gone through something awful and im now feeling resentful towards my parents for never asking or taking an interest in them.

The problem is every time I see them, they produce a long list of things e.g. yesterday's was, to wash their windows, cut the grass, open a clothes catalogue account, order a new sofa (they've had 3 new ones in the past 4 years!), get their perfectly fine gas fire capped and removed and order and install an electric one. Book a hair appointment.

Obviously I prioritise what really needs doing as I don't physically have time to do everything they want. I'm already taking dad to a hospital appointment also mum to the opticians (for the third time this year) next week.

The problem is my mother expects too much, for example she often asks me to book a hair appointment right in the middle of the day 12 noon. Then asks me on the day to take her which is hard work because her wheel chair doesn't fit my car and there are double yellow lines outside the shop. I have to lift and half carry her into the salon and ask them to book her a taxi back due to the school run. She pulls a sad face when i explain that i cannot take her home because it falls on the school run. I explained yesterday that from now on she needs to either get a taxi there and back in her wheelchair, or let my mobile hairdresser friend do her hair. She looked upset. She likes the salon.

Another problem is my sister, she is unemployed and lives locally but refuses to help unless its shopping for goods but never food! Whenever I don't help buy another sofa, light fitting, or another fire, she will take them and order a new one but then leave them with the delivery and installation consequences. For example last month she helped order a new American smeg type fridge that wouldn't fit through their doorways. She tried to leave it to me to deal with. Even though I had no idea who the company were, nor her credit card details!

I'm feeling like I have zero time for myself and I m fed up running around after them. Especially during the school holidays when i have the little ones around. I get zero childcare/babysitting and feeling drained.

Anyone who read all of that, you deserve a medal!

Help them out eventually but they need to suffer the issues they are causing. I would look for a home visiting chiropodist, hairdresser, window cleaner, gardener etc
By constantly saving the day there is no incentive for them to be more sensible in their decision making.

Good advice, and don't feel guilty for not being at their beck and call.

I understand how hard it is. My mother is becoming more and more frail and beginning to have increasing needs, regular admissions to hospital and needing carers etc.
It's very draining and if I hadn't at least had cousins and my auntie on the end of a phone I'd have really struggled.
I think you really need to get back onto ss and ask for an assessment- if you get nowhere then speak to the gp and tell them you can't cope anymore and keep pushing for it, it sounds like you simply have to start saying no - for the sake of your health and your children.
One last thing - have you looked into a local carer support network? Well worth doing, lots of support and many offer things like training, coffee mornings and free parking at hospitals etc.

@Beautiful3 I hope I've helped with links to attendance allowance.
And that you have asked for a copy of Care Act assessments (whether it was done by a social worker or OT).to read to your parents ..usually OTs refer if there is a care need to SW team.

The things you have mentioned being asked for, aren't things generally that fall under LA care to arrange or fund, but more tend to fall under could use disability money to pay for, or use community services for eg handyman services run by Local BC or charity, and hospital transport. It's very hard. And the rest is general organising that your parents are making hard and unneccesrily so.

I think you have a kind attitude. Please get on with arranging your children's lives and what you need to do for them. Then fit in the most important stuff for parents around that. You don't have to do all the things your parents are asking you to do. And please dont do the transporting mum who can't safely manoevre into/out of your car thing and get hurt.

I'm disabled aged 45+ and I do not ask my children to do this, nor my relatives or friends. I'm also in this field if you haven't already suspected.

Obviously adaptations for.diaability or sensory loss, and other key stuff may fall under care act eligibility and specialist teams (OT, sight loss or heard of hearing teams) But not the ordering fridges and other items, shopping, general household repairs, cleaning windows , hair dresser appointments and it's health responsibility to arrange transport for health appointments if no one else can take them.

@WillLokireturn

Yes, your posts have helped immensely. Thank you for your kind words. I spoke with social services. They have told me not to transport her like that again to the hair dresser, because I'll hurt myself and her. When they assess and adapt her bathroom she'll be able to wash properly and with more ease. This means that she'll be more likely to consider a mobile hair dresser.

@Beautiful3
Oh that's good.