Elderly parents are hard work.

[Beautiful3]

I am only in my thirties and already have elderly parents who are deaf and non verbal (sign language users), my father is now going blind too. My mother is now on oxygen and in a wheelchair. My dad used to care for my mum but cannot do so now. They have not taken good care of them selves either. For example they are now diabetics on insulin but still continue to have sugary cakes and in tea.

I ensure they get to their drs, podiatry, dentist, opticians and hair dressers/ barbers. Also have food delivered. But I'm finding it all over whelming as I have two young children, I feel as though i spend my life running around after my parents. I feel deeply unappreciated as they never ask how my family and I are, ever. In fact one child has recently gone through something awful and im now feeling resentful towards my parents for never asking or taking an interest in them.

The problem is every time I see them, they produce a long list of things e.g. yesterday's was, to wash their windows, cut the grass, open a clothes catalogue account, order a new sofa (they've had 3 new ones in the past 4 years!), get their perfectly fine gas fire capped and removed and order and install an electric one. Book a hair appointment.

Obviously I prioritise what really needs doing as I don't physically have time to do everything they want. I'm already taking dad to a hospital appointment also mum to the opticians (for the third time this year) next week.

The problem is my mother expects too much, for example she often asks me to book a hair appointment right in the middle of the day 12 noon. Then asks me on the day to take her which is hard work because her wheel chair doesn't fit my car and there are double yellow lines outside the shop. I have to lift and half carry her into the salon and ask them to book her a taxi back due to the school run. She pulls a sad face when i explain that i cannot take her home because it falls on the school run. I explained yesterday that from now on she needs to either get a taxi there and back in her wheelchair, or let my mobile hairdresser friend do her hair. She looked upset. She likes the salon.

Another problem is my sister, she is unemployed and lives locally but refuses to help unless its shopping for goods but never food! Whenever I don't help buy another sofa, light fitting, or another fire, she will take them and order a new one but then leave them with the delivery and installation consequences. For example last month she helped order a new American smeg type fridge that wouldn't fit through their doorways. She tried to leave it to me to deal with. Even though I had no idea who the company were, nor her credit card details!

I'm feeling like I have zero time for myself and I m fed up running around after them. Especially during the school holidays when i have the little ones around. I get zero childcare/babysitting and feeling drained.

Anyone who read all of that, you deserve a medal!

This explains it
www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

You are best off getting CAB or a service like that to help you fill it in (look on county council's website as some CCs have information in general on who can help with what and also on usual community groups in general). There's a knack to filling out the form

Yes Beautiful I was really shocked, I naively thought it was charity funded help. Was quite upset when I found out people are charged £15 an hour for help with going shopping.

The fridge disaster - you could have refused to become involved. Let DSis and parents deal with angry company who provided it / the delivery guys who have to take it away again, paying for something and then trying to get their money back.
That will cut back on the problems they cause. And if they say they want you to buy them whatever be firm and tell them you will in x months when you have more time.

Help them out eventually but they need to suffer the issues they are causing. I would look for a home visiting chiropodist, hairdresser, window cleaner, gardener etc
By constantly saving the day there is no incentive for them to be more sensible in their decision making.

The help alarm - someone has to rush to their aid when they call. Ok someone logs the call but they then need phone numbers of people who will go to fix the emergency - most likely this will turn out to be you - imagine middle of the night calls which HAVE to be attended just in case.

Isn't this what we 'save all our lives' for..carers, gardeners, taxis, window cleaners, etc etc. To buy in help and support in our old age? What do people do with no family? They have to pay or rely on social services. You need to take a big step back and let their choices dictate how they live. Ignore the sad faces, pure manipulation. If they choose not to pay for help rather than putting on you then that's up to them. My DM ended up on antidepressants and blood pressure medication running round after my GM. Learn to say no, their wants do not trump yours. Your own family and DC are your priority.

It is very hard when parents age and even harder if they are blind or going blind op. It is impossible to make siblings help but that doesn't mean you need to take the full burden. Often old people will not accept carers, taxis ext as long as you keep doing it all. No need for it to be all or nothing. I think you need to think carefully about what you are prepared to do. For example food shopping but not non essential shopping, transport and support for hospital appointments but not hair appointments and social visits. Help them access professional help for other things and stick to your guns. Get as much financial support as you can from things like Attendance Allowance for them and be firm when pointing out that this extra money is to help with cleaner, gardener, taxis ext. It is astonishing how many older people are happy to access this extra financial help and then don't want to use it. Some would rather keep it in the bank and still have family running themselves ragged. I think its to do with needing to feel loved. Reassure them on that point op, maybe the odd box of chocs or bunch of flowers when you visit but be firm about not letting them run you ragged. Good luck op.

Have you asked for a copy of the assessment done by social worker OP?
That's usually very helpful as it'll tell you what they did or didn't say. Given they have sight loss it's not unreasonable to ask for a copy to read to them.

It's fair to say that busy social workers can take a while to finish assessment reports and to post them out. And there might be more they covered with DPs than you realise, that could help.

you are lying on the floor, why are you surprised that people are walking on you?
Come on stop enabling this shit

Why do they want a new sofa (3 in 4 years) and smeg fridge etc?

OP, I understand completely and empathise.

Thing is, we want to look out for our parents as they looked out for us back in the day. It is very difficult to step away, it really is. But it has to be done in certain circumstances.

I am a good bit older than you OP, but because I was single with no children it was assumed I would do the caring. Don't get me wrong, my siblings did their bit, all of them, but the main hauling and humping was down to me. I took leave of absence from work and did my best, but it nearly killed me. Poor Dad got cancer and the home care team would visit, and Mum would shout "I'm the one who is sick not him" and stuff like that. She had had a stroke a year prior to Dad's diagnosis.

We, as a family paid for home help/housekeeping but Mum sent them all packing within days. Impossible.

Good God Almighty I don't know how I survived it all, it was very hard.

Then Dad passed away bless him. A month later got respite care in a lovely care home nearby. Mum never came home from there although she tried by various means to manipulate us all. It was self funded, as parents were in good nick financially. Mum died at Christmas, bless her too, we loved them both but it was very hard.

Nursing homes have their place, we could live our lives etc. knowing Mum was being cared for. Care/Nursing homes can be great, we were lucky there.

Remember that the carers often die before the person they are caring for does.

I wish you well.
My apologies for the long essay, but I know what you are going through. I did my bit, but it was unsustainable in the long run for me.

Nothing to add to the good advice already offered, OP, just a heartfelt ‘I hear you’ and. I’m an only child and live a few hundred miles from my mum. She’s lovely, but does want me to visit more than I can with work and life. She won’t countenance moving nearer me and DH, which is fair enough but she’s chary about using paid help locally. When we visit we get a list of jobs. When I ring her, it’s a list of complaints about life and no interest in me or my life. She’s very frail and I worry about her. She doesn’t have good relationships with neighbours or anyone much locally. She does pay for a cleaner (then doesn’t tell her what she wants her to do ). She tends not to fully explain what ails when she sees her GP and wants me to come along and speak for her, which is not always possible. I don’t have any DCs but I do have other responsibilities. Not easy! And I often feel guilty.

@QueenBeee
Yes I did refuse to get involved with the fridge as i felt the onus lay with my sister. It's just the sad faces parents make that become annoying.
@Whosorrynow
Your comment made me laugh! Very direct and to the point!
@myrtleberry
I think it's because they rarely leave the house, they get bored. They start complaining about the lights/bed mattress,

Sofa/chairs, fridge and now the fire! There was/is nothing wrong with any of them. Most of these items have been replaced a couple of times in the last 2 years, apart from the fire. They're driving me crazy!
@Outsomnia
I'm sorry that you had to go through that with your parents. I would ideally like to see mine go into a home in the next 5 years to ensure their safety. We will have to see what happens.
@Craftycorvid
Thank you for your understanding and kind words. You get it and how they guilt trip you, into above and beyond, what a person should do. The amount of guilt we feel, really affects us.

Thank you everyone.

Remember that the carers often die before the person they are caring for does
This makes my blood run cold, it makes me want to move to the other side of the world so that my parents can't drain the life force out of me to try and keep themselves alive for as long as possible.

@Beautiful I'm glad you didn't take offence I want you to escape and live your best life 😊

@Craftycorvid everything you describe about your mother's behaviour it's designed to manipulate you and make you feel as guilty as possible, she may not be consciously aware of it or maybe she is, I don't know, it's an impossible situation because she is elderly and frail and how can you not respond to that.
I feel that caring for one's own parents in their final years especially if these are extended can be psychologically damaging, it's often framed as a situation equivalent to caring for children, because they cared for you it's only right and fair that you should care for them, the two things are in no way equivalent.

Can you contact the advocacy service local to them & get them signed up. If they are well off they may have to pay, yet you need to make sure they understand it is not a choice as you cannot do this anymore as it's affecting your health & family. The advocate can help them with sorting out additional help for their needs.

I don't live close to mine & TFFT, but I have still felt immense pressure because of them & they were far from nice too. They were also shit diabetics & we lost mum a few years ago as a result & now just have Dad, but it hasn't hit easier & he's a stubborn old git who thinks he's indestructible & refuses AS, SS help etc, but just expects me to sort everything out from the other end of the country. He even told me to move home to look after him, but kicks me & DD out most times we visit due to nasty diabetic mood swings. No idea why he'd think I'd be leaving DH & DD, but it was definitely expected.

I've also had similar major stress with my DB who lives close to DF & has a stroke leaving him disabled & unable to pay his mortgage, so lost his home. Again I've had to deal with all of that & get him rehired whilst feeling absolutely petrified fir him that I couldn't do it. Thank god for the advocacy service as he's now rehoused in a specialist complex & I can relax

DF on the other hand refuses to pay for it, even though he's wealthy & I've had to back off & let him get on with it as he's been very unfair & the whole thing has had a massive negative effect on my health & I have a DD with disabilities, so I've had to put us first fir a change & keep repeating to him, "well if you'd stop being so tight & pay for the advocacy service,you'd have help wouldn't you, not sure why you thing I can help from 300miles away" hoping I'm finally getting through to him after he was left this weekend without power

Basically you need to look after you & your family & be very tough & back right off, whilst referring them to the advocacy service or SS if that's more appropriate & keep repeating, "I can't do this it's making me ill"

Good luck op💐

To buy in help and support in our old age? But when is old age? I'm nearly 70 - I'm saving money for when I'm in my 90s. I'm very conscious that I can't go out and get a better job or work more hours, what I've already got is all there is, all there'll ever be. I can't afford to spend it now. (But I don't rely on DCs for help).

It may not be stinginess or wanting reassurance that she's loved. Research has shown that people get more worried as they get older, and it may partly be losing track of how to do things, especially as things are changing so fast. I'm used to using cash, so how do I use the tube in London? (don't worry about answering that, I'll find out if I ever feel the need to go to London), how do I get a taxi now everyone seems to order one on their phone and pay in advance? There are so many stories about being ripped off by tradesmen - how do I find a good one? It would be much easier to ask DC for help.

So I suppose what I'm saying is stand your ground and don't do more than you are prepared to sustain long-term - but try not to let resentment build - it's not necessarily that they don't care about you or are taking you for granted, rather that problems you take in your stride seem unsurmountable to them.

My mother has had dementia so I have been on this board since it started.

Lots of posters have used therapy as an effective way of working out what boundaries they need to set, and how to set them.

It is very hard to reverse a parent/child relationship. (Google Eric Berne's transactional analysis.) At the moment they treat you as their child. Increasingly you will either need to insist on an adult to adult relationship, where your needs carry equal weight, or essentially start parenting them.

They won't like change, and will fight back, but you, for you family and for your own sanity, will need to do it. I would talk to your GP you might be able to refer you or recommend someone.

Age Concern can provide a list of vetted reliable tradesman.
Taxis can be used and paid in cash (I do) for example.
Maybe 'old age' is misleading. Maybe buying in help for services 'when you can't do them yourself' be it 75 or 95, is better.
It is often easier to ask DC for help, but it's not always fair or sustainable and not at the expense of their mental health.
PIL have plenty of money but trawl up and down the street looking for neighbours to take them to hospital appointments. It's embarrassing. And PIL says of his thriftiness "well I don't know how long I'm going to live". Saving for a rainy day when it's already pouring!

OP, you are being used. I am so sorry to read what they are putting you through. Not being appreciated is by far the cruellest aspect of it. They place you in the role of expected skivvy. You need to feel brave enough to step away. Your children are your priority. I stepped away from my parents who are similarly infirm and demanding but utterly thankless and not at all interested in their grandchildren or my welfare. It's not easy to do but you have a right to a life of your own with time and energy for your family.
There are other options: your sister, social services etc. You are being bullied and used. Just because they are vulnerable doesn't mean they aren't also selfish and manipulative. Take a step back and work out what you'd deep down like your priorities to be. I'm not suggesting you abandon them, just create a fairer balance that takes account of your and your family's needs, giving them equal eight and value in the equation. You need a set up you can happily manage, long term.

@RockinHippy I'm sorry for the loss of your mother, and for your brother's illness. You have a lot on your plate. Sending you hugs.

@cptartapp on my goodness could you imagine asking neighbour's for lifts?! This is embarrassing. I don't mind giving an elderly neighbour a lift to the shops when I'm already going, but not to the hospital! Your FIL has balls I'll give him that!

@growlingbear yes you have nailed how it feels to be unappreciated. It's also hurtful when they have no interest in their grand children.

I've made some important calls for them today (drs, social services and podiatry) which took up the morning as I had to wait for a couple of call backs. Im scheduled to take one of them to the hospital and opticians this week. Ive sent mum updates for everything. But i think shes now ignoring me because I haven't made her hair appointment .

OP, are you going to have a "you're taking the piss" conversation?

@growlingbear, well done for drawing that line👍
just out of interest did your parents get their act together and organise themselves after you stepped away?

They sound unreasonable and are demanding too much. Im not surprised you're feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Your sister needs to step up and your parents need to modify their expectations.
As others have suggested they can pay for things they want doing and / or modify their requests e.g. that's a lot of sofas in a short space of time

surprised at people saying your sister should do more - and not mentioning your brother.

perhaps neither are involved because they know they'll have the piss taken.

really it's a case for you stepping back and refusing OP. none of the things they are asking for are essential.