Sister has said she won’t help with our mum

[TellySavalashairbrush]

My dm is in her 90s, bed bound, double incontinent and has dementia. I have always looked after mum in one way or another during the last 20 years ( she was a very controlling and dominant woman) but during the last 10 years it’s greatly increased. I work full time and have a family, dh and young adult dd. My sister is 60 and made a conscious decision 12 years ago to pull back from
Helping to care for mum, largely as a result of her own children having children and her wanting to be with them 24/7.
Mum has carers 4 times per day, but I continue to do a lot. Recently I have been really poorly and was diagnosed with exhaustion and depression. My sister knows this but continues to say she won’t help (her and mum had a good relationship, so no trauma from the past with them) . Anyone else experienced this situation and what did you do?

Just for clarity you don’t need/have to have a deputyship. It would give you control over decisions but the main issue is ensuring your mothers needs are met and she isn’t being financially abused. It is a complex path to steer through and may take longer than your mother has.

The local authority can involve an IMCA, if necessary, to allow your mother an independent view. They will carry out a full assessment of needs. They can move her to a care home and take deferred payments from her estate. It doesn’t have to be upfront payment so don’t fret about monies. They can advise re your mothers money and appropriate access.

It would be considered abuse and is an offence to get your mother to sign LPA forms when you know she hasn’t the capacity. I would suggest you didn’t do this even with a friendly or sympathetic witness.

So your mother used to be controlling and dominant and now your sister is.
It’s time for your mother to go into a residential home. You need to enjoy your life too OP, you have been struggling for long enough. Pick a good home and she will be safe and well cared for. Your visits will be enjoyable and then you can go home and relax.
It’s going to be hard but you need to put your foot down and refuse to do any more. Your physical and mental health is important and your sister doesn’t give a shit how run down you are.
Time to put yourself first for once. Please don’t feel any guilt over this. You have done more than enough but when elderly people reach a certain point, they simply need a higher level of care.

She needs to go into full time nursing. Call the nhs continuing care team and demand an assessment. Can she be left alone? That is one of the main factors in whether they will pay for full time care

At this time, she either agrees with a care home or she signs on for full responsibility for her mother's care and you walk out.

When you discuss it, do you express it as helping you?

I wouldn't even discuss it with your sister. She will try and put the blocks on it and not actually step up to help.
Do what needs to happen and tell her once it's done.

It is so hurtful when a sibling just leaves you to do the donkey work. I think some people choose to believe that 4 x carers pd is adequate. It only skims the surface.

It's a shame there's still such a negative view of nursing homes out there, especially coming from people who have no experience of one, like your sister.

My Dad is doing great in his. We were very careful about picking somewhere we were happy with, as the first one we saw felt like a hospital and the staff had the residents lying in bed half the day.

The one we chose is really homely, has a manageable number of residents and brilliant staff. They don't dictate to the residents, they let them do what they want to do (within reason), so Dad and his two best mates are often found walking round the place on their latest adventure. They're safe and they always have a close eye kept on them.

There are lots of activities. Yesterday they had a band in playing lots of old songs and they had a dance. They have therapy dogs in during the week and the local school kids often come in and do arts and crafts with them. Exercise classes, movie nights, all sorts. Dad is happy and content there, and he doesn't actually understand that he's in a nursing home.

I agree with PPs that your own needs should come first now, and your sister has no right to dictate to you about your mother's care if she's not willing to do the work.

It's a shame there's still such a negative view of nursing homes out there

Actually I think you'll find a lot of the time its nothing to do with negative views of the quality of care or standard of living for the person, but everything to do with negative views on what it does to bank balance and future inheritance.

I'm quite sure the sister would have completely different views if it was her who was having to clean up after doubly incontinent mother. Even with carers 4x per day so say they are in every 6 hours, that's still a heck of a long time she could be left dirty. Carers on hand 24hrs a day is absoultely what's needed.

Fair point EdtheBear

Where we live, the maximum amount that can be recouped from property is 22% of the value, so it seems a bit fairer. But yes I agree, the sister has no right to complain now if she won't put in the hard yards.

Where do you live?

While the rules and actual figure changes I think they can take all property and savings over £16,000

Where do you live?

Ireland. The inheritance thing isn't as much of an issue under our system. But a lot of people still resist nursing homes until there's really no other option, because they feel like they're somehow betraying their parent. It's not the case at all and I'm sure the parents wouldn't have wanted their children to be placed under so much stress.

Four times a day doesn't always equate to every six hours. Sometimes the first morning visit may not be until 11am and the final visit and the fourth and final putting to bed visit may be as early as 6pm. That is over eighteen hours without a visit unless a family member is available

I know that fiftiesmum but really my point is somebody with dementia who's doubly incontinent can't really be left alone for any period of time.

If you left a toddler in a dirty nappy for 6+ hours it would be neglect. How is an elderly person any different?

The sister just doesn't care about mother or Op. Op needs to do what needs done and tell sister after she's done it.

The sister could go to jail. Using someone else's debit card is fraud. Taking money from them is theft.

Capacity is a strange thing. For a long time my mother could give consent in the moment. If you gave her the facts she would come to a sensible decision. She was a bright and financially astute lady. The trouble is that the next day she should have forgotten so you would start all over again. We probably got her to sign the POA in time. Certainly solicitors were happy to allow her to buy a sheltered housing flat at about the same time, though to be honest I did ensure they could be confident that she had sufficient funds so this purchase was not putting her at risk.

The real problem is that the Court of Protection is woefully slow, expensive, unuser-friendly, and inefficient. Thus providing an incentive to get stuff done without them.

I feel that the op should look into a care home place for her mother, we started off down the road of trying to look after mum at home but because the needs assessment by social services said double team four times a day then left us to arrange the carers ourselves (mum was self funding) and couldn't get anyone to do evenings or early morning. She was so much better cared for in the home and if the op goes down this route she will find her visits become enjoyable rather than having to do chores