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Elderly parents
Original poster

Sister has said she won’t help with our mum

91 replies

TellySavalashairbrush · 15/06/2019 19:34

My dm is in her 90s, bed bound, double incontinent and has dementia. I have always looked after mum in one way or another during the last 20 years ( she was a very controlling and dominant woman) but during the last 10 years it’s greatly increased. I work full time and have a family, dh and young adult dd. My sister is 60 and made a conscious decision 12 years ago to pull back from
Helping to care for mum, largely as a result of her own children having children and her wanting to be with them 24/7.
Mum has carers 4 times per day, but I continue to do a lot. Recently I have been really poorly and was diagnosed with exhaustion and depression. My sister knows this but continues to say she won’t help (her and mum had a good relationship, so no trauma from the past with them) . Anyone else experienced this situation and what did you do?

OP posts:
Fairylea · 15/06/2019 19:36

I think all you can do is accept your sister isn’t going to help. You can’t make her. So look for other help - if the carers aren’t enough what other options might you have? Nursing home? Live in carer?

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 15/06/2019 19:43

It's possibly time for more care for your mother in a 24hr situation.

Double incontinence is not something everyone can deal with.

Just too much to take on, particularly if you work too.

HappyHammy · 15/06/2019 20:07

your sister isn't obliged to help, not everyone wants to. can you speak to the care agency, social services and district nurses to see if your mum can have extra care, maybe she would benefit from another care assessment, you might also get some good advice from Carers UK. Would you feel able to speak to your own doctor about how all this is affecting you.

Hollowvictory · 15/06/2019 20:08

It may be time for your mother to move to residential care.

Beautiful3 · 15/06/2019 20:18

Your sister doesn't have to help. Now would be a good time to put her into a home. It would give you your life back.

Original poster
TellySavalashairbrush · 15/06/2019 21:30

Thanks for your replies. No, I get that I cannot force her to help. I just feel that she has walked away without a backward glance to be honest. I made arrangements a few years ago for mum to go in a care home, but ds insisted that she would not be able to live with herself if we did this, so I stopped the process,but she still gave no further help.
This is what saddens me. I’m at the brink of a breakdown, yet I’m powerless to change things as a result of not wanting to upset my mum or sister. My mum has no idea where she is, who her family are while my sister takes her 3rd holiday this year .

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 15/06/2019 21:32

You need to have a conversation with your sister and explain that it’s either pull her weight or mum goes into a home and then follow through .

NataliaOsipova · 15/06/2019 21:33

I made arrangements a few years ago for mum to go in a care home, but ds insisted that she would not be able to live with herself if we did this, so I stopped the process,but she still gave no further help.

It’s an old joke (think Bob Monkhouse (?)): “I couldn’t bear to see my mother in a home. (Pause) She can go and live with my sister.”

Your sister gets to step up - or shut up. End of. You can’t control what she does....but you can control what you do and what effect she has on you.

Kanga83 · 15/06/2019 21:34

We've recently been in this situation and ultimately and heart wrenchingly we had to place our gran into a nursing home to ensure her safety 24hrs a day and to make sure she had to care she needed. They have access to hoists etc that we just didn't at home. She passed peacefully after two years in her home this year. It's such a cruel illness.

W0rriedMum · 15/06/2019 21:35

I mean this very gently.
Your mother needs full-time nursing in residential care. I imagine you're filling the gaps between the 4 daily visits and that right now. Do speak to her HV and explain that for your own health it can't continue.
Your sister has walked away. As horrible a decision as that feels to you, you can't change it.
Please do start the wheels moving for full time care. Get well soon as well.

Drum2018 · 15/06/2019 21:38

Organise a care home if possible asap. Your sister doesn't get a say if she's not willing to do her share of the care. Fair enough that she doesn't want to help but she doesn't get to fucking dictate that you have to do it all, which is effectively what is happening. Do you get any respite if you want a break away? Does she help out then?

Windygate · 15/06/2019 21:39

Telly you are not powerless but you do need to work on your boundaries. Your DM needs an extensive care package and twenty years in it is no longer something you can provide and your DSis knows her boundaries and is unable/willing to help.
DM needs to go in to a nursing home. Put bluntly if you have the breakdown then what happens? I'm not being mean I say that as person struggling with the burden of caring.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 15/06/2019 21:42

That puts a different complexion on the situation.

Yep, she either steps up or shuts up.

I'm always happier if my sister has swanned off on holiday, as I know I won't get grief. Sounds like her boundaries are rock solid, mirror her behaviour...but obv with the best of intentions for your DM.

ssd · 15/06/2019 21:48

I had this too. What hurt the most wasn't that my sister could turn her back on mum when she was elderly and needy, but she didn't have dementia or incontinence. It was the fact my sister didn't care the effect it had on me.
Mums gone now and I'm nc.

Snog · 15/06/2019 21:48

Ask dsis what she would like to happen next.

Original poster
TellySavalashairbrush · 15/06/2019 21:55

ssd this is how I feel. I’m upset that despite me sharing with ds how ill I am, she can still happily walk away but still make demands on how dm is cared for.

OP posts:
sheshootssheimplores · 15/06/2019 21:58

Do you think your sister had your mums best interests at heart when she declared she shouldn’t be put into a care home or was she trying to protect an inheritance? 😬

Quartz2208 · 15/06/2019 22:01

you cannot cope anymore so from your perspective its time

if your sister cant leave with it she knows what the choice is

ssd · 15/06/2019 22:02

I can't bear thinking of my sister. I feel she's toxic for me. So much happened and she was never there. She flew in and out for the funeral. I cleared everything myself.
What's done done.
Try to look after yourself, although I know that's hard.

Sakura7 · 15/06/2019 22:08

You can't force your sister to get involved, and ultimately the care burden is too much for you to manage alone. I think you'll have to accept that your mother needs to be in a nursing home, and your sister has no right to argue unless she's going to look after her.

Nursing homes aren't all bad you know, my dad is in a lovely one and is very content. He's getting much better care than was possible at home.

Surfskatefamily · 15/06/2019 22:09

At this point you need to do what is right for you and your household.

Pick a nice care home and spend the time with your mum visiting and enjoying her rather than doing the heavy work.

I understand your sisters point of view. I wouldnt be keen to take on something im not willing to commit to long term

HappyHammy · 15/06/2019 22:14

Does anyone have power of attorney and would your mum understand about what care she needs. Who currently pays the bills and makes decisions for.your mum.

Namenic · 15/06/2019 22:18

It does sound like your mother may be more appropriately cared for in a care home. I suppose if she is not oriented to her surroundings then it may mean it is easier for her to accept.

You can still visit her in the care home - it is often a comfort for people even if recognition is not 100%. You sound like you have tried your hardest and I don’t think you would necessarily improve her quality of life by carrying on doing the jobs yourself. Better to spend quality time with her.

As for your sister, i don’t think she can be forced, but I don’t think she has any grounds to object either. The alternative is that she could help out (although I’m not sure this would be enough to outweigh going into care - as perhaps her visiting your DM in the home may be more beneficial).

CookieDoughKid · 15/06/2019 22:31

The care is too great for your sister and now too great for you. There's no shame in getting help and getting the professionals in. And better that your sister isn't leading you on she's voiced her position. Absolutely no point trying to be the martyr I mean that in the nicest way. Get help asap and get your life back and your dm can also get the right care and you'll have more time for your sister and vice versa. Everyone wins.

Sproutsandall · 15/06/2019 22:38

If your sister isn't going to help, she gets no say. Put your mum in a home where she can get the help she needs and look after your own health. I'm sorry you're going through this. X