Sister has said she won’t help with our mum

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My dm is in her 90s, bed bound, double incontinent and has dementia. I have always looked after mum in one way or another during the last 20 years ( she was a very controlling and dominant woman) but during the last 10 years it’s greatly increased. I work full time and have a family, dh and young adult dd. My sister is 60 and made a conscious decision 12 years ago to pull back from
Helping to care for mum, largely as a result of her own children having children and her wanting to be with them 24/7.
Mum has carers 4 times per day, but I continue to do a lot. Recently I have been really poorly and was diagnosed with exhaustion and depression. My sister knows this but continues to say she won’t help (her and mum had a good relationship, so no trauma from the past with them) . Anyone else experienced this situation and what did you do?

I would suggest a full assessment by the local authority. That part is free.
I think someone who is totally incontinent, bed bound and has dementia needs full time professional nursing care not four visits a day, to be honest. She might well be eligible for CHC funding.
It would allow you to be a daughter again and not a carer. You have to act in her best interests and a maximum of two hours care a day simply doesn’t sound enough for someone at high risk of pressure damage etc.

You need to speak to someone in social services elderly care and see if you can arrange some emergency respite for your mum - before you break and are unable to do anything.

They can also then assess what she would need in terms of ongoing care (but to be honest as others has said she's in need of full time care) and they'll assess how it can be paid for - bearing in mind if she is still in her own home it will have to be sold to fund the care etc.

If your sister, once again, says she can't bear the thought of your mother going in to a home then ask her when she'll be taking her to move in with her - because that's the only other option! I'm sure she'll change her mind.

You need to look after yourself especially if you are still trying to hold down a job

Does anyone have Lasting Power of Attorney for health and welfare? If not, it has to be a best interest decision and isn’t your sister’s decision to make.
You could ask local authority for IMCA involvement of ask for support from your mothers GP.

Lots of care homes are lovely places that provide good care and reduce sense of isolation.

So your sister is effectively controlling your life from afar. How long are you going to let her do that?

Your mother needs residential care. It's not going to change your life as much as you hope, you may still feel at first you have to visit every day BUT after the first 3 or 4 months you will hopefully be in a place where you trust them and their routine where you can skip the odd day.

When my mother eventually had to go in, I still visited every day but an hour a day where I didn't have to actually fret about anything or organise anything or sort anything was infinitely better. It ended up being a fairly calm hour. My mental health was better as a result. And knowing that if something came up and I couldn't go for a day but she would be safe and well was a big factor too.

You have to switch around your thinking. Not that your sister is abandoning your mother's care, but that she's abandoning YOURS. She is betraying you.

You owe her nothing.

It could be months before a bed becomes available. Start the process again. Do NOT tell your sister until a bed is free. She will be much less likely to protest if you present it as "a bed has become available from next month, they are offering it to Mum and we are taking it. I can't go on, so it's either that or you take over."

Absolutely fair enough that your sister doesn't want help out especially when she has other family commitments and as you say your DM was controlling. Absolutely not fine though that your sister gets to dictate what care is best for your mother though. That's not on in the slightest.

I agree with other posters. Your mum needs residential care, and you should arrange that and ignore your sister in order to protect your own health.

I say this kindly, I really do, but you are not powerless to change things. You have chosen not to. That's fine. But it's your choice.

In fairness though, these dynamics can paralyse people. OP, read up on FOG (fear/obligation/guilt) cos that's what you appear to be trapped by. But you can free yourself too.

This is bonkers
Your mum needs to go to a home
If your sister then offers to help, say no. Otherwise she will help for a week and then go back to doing nothing.

She has a right to do nothing but can’t then complain about homes!

Dont you need power of attorney to move someone into a home if they have no capacity to make that decision. I would ask for a g.p. assessment and.ask your sister and social services adult team to get involved in making a best interest decision.

Some people are swamped with guilt when supporting ageing relies.
Some put their own lives first.
You are the first, your sister is the latter.

Why did you let DSis decide DM can not go into a home.
There is no magic wand for fixing ageing, frailty and loss of faculties, no matter how much you do this fact won't change. Please look after yourself first and foremost.
I wonder,anyway, if she would be happier with the continuous care in a home than carers in and out all day.

Thank you all for your responses. We don’t have power of attorney, while still lucid my mum refused to allow this (no history of dementia so she was convinced she’d never suffer with it) my sister took control of mum’s debit card when she became house bound. She takes the money to pay mums rent and utilities, also her food. This has never been withheld, although I am aware that she is highly likely to be using any excess for her own needs.
This could be one of the reasons for her reluctance at mum being in a home, as all money would then just be used for mums care. I know I need to face this situation head on, rather than just trying to cope.

Your sister can choose not to be involved but that means she doesn't have any right to make decisions, stop taking your sister into account and do what's best for you, you must look after your own health, don't let this destroy you

Tell the bank your mum’s debit card was stolen by your sister and get the account blocked. Then go through a solicitor and get power of attorney.

Perhaps you wearing yourself out to help is why DM doesn't see a need for a care Home, or would she agree to this.
How would a Care Home be funded?
DSis would have to divulge bank statements etc

Your sister is being manipulative and domineering....she is continuing the 'work' of your mother, your mother did a number on you and now your sister has taken the reigns and is doing a number on you

You need to block her

Honestly the way you describe your mother's living conditions I'm shocked you didn't move her to full time nursing care sooner. She deserves more than you and 4 carer visits per day are able to provide. Nursing homes are not terrible institutions across the board and it's time we accepted they often provide the best possible solution for people who can no longer look after themselves. I also believe very firmly that some patients get a new lease of life and positively thrive in nursing homes. I saw this in my own uncle who seemed very happy indeed for the last 3 years of his life (in a home) before he died aged 91.

I think you need to see your mums bank statements ASAP. Do you know if your mum has any money in her accounts? Is in debt etc? I agree with other posters its time for your mum to go into a nursing home, as hard as that is. It is too much for you and your health is suffering. I believe that finances will need to be disclosed/involved unless you are self funding the care and this will mean your sister can no longer have this money to spend as she wishes.

For heavens sake put a stop to it now. Tell your sister that you are no longer available to care for your mother. She has control of the bank account so she can sort out an alternative or do it herself. Give her name as the contact person to all the medical people involved with your mother, seeing as she has nominated herself to be your mother's financial spokesperson. And step back fully. I appreciate it will be difficult to walk away for now, but it will surely be the whopping kick up the arse you're bitch of a sister needs to realise that your mother needs more care than you can offer. She's unreal to think she can control the spending but not do a thing to help.

Your sister is a cheeky cow. She cannot insist that your DM is cared for at home and do absolutely nothing to help. If she is indeed spending even a couple of quid of DMs money on herself, it is theft.

You do not need to wear yourself out like this OP. Your DM needs round the clock care. Get it sorted. If your sister protests, tell her she’s welcome to move in with DM and do it all herself.

There is no obligation from your sister though - you say your mum was controlling etc. Maybe she simply doesn't feel that she should help a woman who wasn't nice to her for many years.

You can’t just get a power of attorney. Your DM needs to have mental capacity to sign it, if she hasn’t got this then unfortunately you can’t get one. You would have to apply to Court of Protection to become a deputy, which can take up to 6 months and is costly.

In theory a bank should freeze a bank account once they know the account holder has lost mental capacity unless there is a power of attorney/deputy in place.

OP I am sorry about your DM. I would get her reassessed and see if she fulfills the criteria for a nursing home. Does she own her house?

Just seen the update about the money situation though. As others have said, you need social services to do an assessment (I'm surprised the carers who come in 4 times a day haven't prompted this tbh).

Yes OP, this situation isn’t sustainable. Time to face it. Do you have any support from your Mum’s GP, or social services? They might be able to advise on next steps.