Sister has said she won’t help with our mum

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My dm is in her 90s, bed bound, double incontinent and has dementia. I have always looked after mum in one way or another during the last 20 years ( she was a very controlling and dominant woman) but during the last 10 years it’s greatly increased. I work full time and have a family, dh and young adult dd. My sister is 60 and made a conscious decision 12 years ago to pull back from
Helping to care for mum, largely as a result of her own children having children and her wanting to be with them 24/7.
Mum has carers 4 times per day, but I continue to do a lot. Recently I have been really poorly and was diagnosed with exhaustion and depression. My sister knows this but continues to say she won’t help (her and mum had a good relationship, so no trauma from the past with them) . Anyone else experienced this situation and what did you do?

I’m powerless to change things as a result of not wanting to upset my mum or sister

Your Mum doesn't know where she is ....and your sister isn't helping at all. You need to take care of yourself and put your mother in a care home. Best wishes to you xx

Your sister has no right to insist your DM doesn’t go in to a home and then leave you with all the responsibility of her care.
Push forward with the plan for residential care and ignore your sister.

I was in this situation but much earlier in the timeline than you are. Mum was still mobile but needed daily care and wasn't safe. I knew my sister would do nothing since she always does nothing but talk. So Mum went into a care home and I was able to visit when I wanted to, and just spend time with her instead of doing personal care. It's the best option for you, OP.

My uncle was like this when DGM needed care, refused to do anything to help but wanted to dictate what happened. We told him once, very clearly, that if he wasn't helping he had no say in how we helped and then ignored any further attempts to interfere. Sounds simpler than it was because he did kick back and try to stop us doing what we and DGM needed but we stuck to it and there really wasn't anything he could do.

Best advice I can give you is let go of the guilt/obligation feelings with regard to your sister. Decisions about DM's care affect you and DM, not Dsis (because she chooses to absent herself) so you and DM are the only ones whose needs and feelings need to be considered. You will drown if you continue doing what she wants instead of what you need

I’m upset that despite me sharing with ds how ill I am, she can still happily walk away but still make demands on how dm is cared for.

She can't. She can try, but she has no right to do so if she's abdicating any responsibility in care. If care is completely down to you then it's your decision.

for you OP, horrible situation but your mum doesn't know where she is as you say so it would be better for her to have the greater care of a home. Your sister doesn't get to have it both ways.

If your mother’s dementia is such that she does not know where she is then you are not helping her by allowing her to remain in her own home.
The burden of caring for her there is too much for you to deal with even with carers.
So move her to a care home.

If your sister is not helping then her opinion on the matter is not relevant.

Surely if no one has p.o.a. then neither of you can dictate where your mum lives. If she has capacity that is her decision. Does she want to move to a care home. Is she able to make decisions. Firstly I would ask g.p. for a formal capacity assessment. Without that you wont get very far. If she has capacity you can ask if she wants to hand over p.o.a. if she doesnt then that's a different scenario and you'll need to speak to court of protection or public guardian for advice. With her money you can air concerns to her bank and safeguarding team.

We had a similar situation in our family only with one keen sibling and one reluctant sibling, agreeing thinking it’d be temporary support as their mum slowly declined. All to avoid going into a home which to be honest could provide the most appropriate level of nursing care. Six years later the DM is going strong and everyone’s lives, beyond the two daughters, are held ransom by caring for someone who sadly has no quality of life. In a way it’s better for your sister to decline help now so you can come to a solution rather than have what we have, which is one reluctant carer who will do the bare minimum in every sense.

Op how does your sister have control of the bank account?

Your sister really shouldn't be using your mother's cards etc without power of attorney if your mum doesn't have capacity. I'd suggest if your mum has any points where she does have capacity, you get her to set you up with PoA (as people with dementia can sometimes have capacity if they are in a lucid phase). If not you need to go down the court of protection route and probably get social services to assess.

Old age lasts such a long time now that it can be a very difficult thing for all involved. We've had a lot of pain around how best to keep people looked after in my family too. In the end, my relative became very violent which was a difficult way for things to finish for everybody.

Time for you to save yourself here. Your mum needs to go into a home and you or you family need to tell your sister to take over her care if she doesn't want her mum in a home because you are no longer able to care for your mum.

Do what you think is best. If your sister disagrees then she can take over.

It’s odd that as the main carer you don’t have control of the finances.
I would contact social services to get the ball moving on a care home. Your DS can’t be forced to help but nor can she force you to do everything alone. That is wildly unfair and any reasonable person would realise that. Don’t give way or allow any manipulation on this. Inform sister that you have told social services you are only able to do X and your mums needs are Y therefore she will need to go into a care home. Don’t allow your sister control to you. On the finances front, I’m not sure the legalities needed but age UK may be able to give some general advice.

Spending money belonging to someone with dementia is abuse. It’s a safeguarding concern. Please report it as such.
Nobody can now be given LPA is has to be with the Office of Public Guardian when someone has capacity to register it.
You could apply to court of protection for deputyship and that might be granted but you’d need steering through the process.

Please contact local authority and ensure your mother’s needs are paramount in decisions- which your sister has no legal basis for making. Go to the adult help desk and talk to duty social worker or speak to your mothers GP. If care agency providing visits is funded you could also speak to the commissioning team.

Your sister using the debit card is committing a criminal offence.

Your sister is perfectly entitled to not want to help be your mother's carer. However she doesn't get to force you to take on that role. It clearly isn't fair on either you or your mother currently and I really think that you do have to take a step back from being her carer.
I understand if you feel resentment towards your sister, feeling that you would be able to manage better or for longer if she was to share the caring burden. But she isn't going to. I wouldn't want to either.
I think you need to present it to her as a done deal - clearly your mother now needs full time residential care. Does your sister want to be involved in finding the place or is she happy for you to arrange it. There's no other alternative.
I hope that having a break from being carer I'm improves your health.

The local authority should be willing to assess her needs.

Your mother needs more care than you are able to give her at this stage. The reality is your have been helping her out over the past 20 years. Your now physically exhausted and have depression.
I would get your DH to go with you to your sisters and tell her that your no longer in a position to mind your mother due to the fact your physical and mentally exhausted. Your sister has access to mother's bank account and to what ever funds your mother has. She complained when you said previously about putting your mother into a nursing home. She has done nothing to help you out or given you a brake at any stage. It now her turn to mind your mother or agree to put her in a nursing home. Your DH can tell her their is no other option at this stage.
You need to stop minding your mother. You need to take some time off work to have a rest and a much needed holiday otherwise your own health will only get worse.

This must be a very difficult situation for you - what you are doing for your mum is too much for you and probably not the right thing for your mum, and on top of that in your heart you must know your sister is doing both you and your mum wrong.

Do you have anyone in real life who will support and strengthen you through this?

Op I'm another who believes that you need to ask for more help, get her into a home. The later stages of dementia are not something that people could cope with alone.
I think I'd be tempted to get bills set up direct debit then report bank cards lost.

Take care of yourself, good luck

We are in a similar situation in that DSis and dB will not visit mum (she is in care home.) The rare occasions they have been the whole world has to know about it. Even though they live close and have nothing else to do. My other sis would visit if could but lives in another country and has youngish children. I have no doubt they will be quick off the block when the will is read I hope mum stays well enough to spend all her money on care fees

Is there also a house that she wants to inherit half of? There does seem to be a financial motive for not putting your mum into a care home.

She's nbu to not want to do any of the caring herself, but then by making that decision she has no right to dictate what you do.

Your dsis can only make demands if you let her. You have to be strong, and tell her the decision has been made. Don't listen to her saying she'll help, because she won't!

If your mum is unable to consent to power of attorney you will need to apply for to be a deputy for the court of protection. You don't need either to have SS to assess for care needs, you just need to say you are unable to give care yourself which means they would then need to reassess whether the 4 visits per day is adequate (sound unlikely if you remain steadfast in not providing care). Ask for respite with a view to full time care. Any savings/property above 23,500 would mean she has to self fund. Court of protection is a very slow process and takes at least 6 months. We used a solicitor which cost 1300 but we paid out of the account of my MIL who was the person needing care, if you do it yourself it's around half of that. Every thing you spend needs to be accounted for yearly so your sister would no longer be able to abuse your mum's finances. I hope you get sorted and get you self well

.

It may be time to rat on your sister. Hove using a debit card without a third party mandate in place will almost certainly be illegal, whilst using your mums assets to meet her own needs is stealing from a vulnerable persons, so a good chance oc a prison sentance.

Research and then decide whether to issue your DSis with an ultimatum or seek help from Social Services.

In Social Services speak to someone who knows about elderly protection, and see if they will help with the Court of Protection process. They will be worried about deprivation of assets, and them eventually having to pick up the bill. They will have lawyers, but might then request the guardianship.

I would not tell the bank as they will simply shut down access to her money. The Court of Protection has a claim to be the slowest moving and least user friendly bit of the public sector. Access would then take months and you would need to use a lawyer and explain what your sister has been up to.

You cannot go on picking up the pieces. Its like modern slavery. (I have a brother who has left it all to me but at least I have POA and control the money.)

So either she agrees to the home, or you go to social services.

Has your mum got a formal diagnosis of dementia? We got my mum to sign the forms, witnessed by a sympathetic priest who knew her well, shortly before we sought a diagnosis. (She had a fall and we needed to step in quickly.) You dont need a lawyer to do a POA, but your mum will need to sign and you need someone to witness confirming she knew what she was signing. Court of Protection could take a year or more (I cannot overstate how slow they are, even for simple transactions and you almost certainly will need legal help) leaving her with no money in the interim.

You might phone the Alzheimer's Society anonymously for their take or try the legal section of their Talking Point Forum.

My instinct would be to approach SS. Not least they can provide interim funding.