The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

^^ taxi account

thigh yes we cross posted

I was being optimistic there! 3 hours seems a long way to travel to the dentist.

agree, it's not as simple as getting in more paid help. it's the worry that some people don't understand. and wanting to look after them in the emotional sense.

How much is a stair lift folks? You can get new ones and reconditioned ones. Since the average "life" of a stair lift is less than 3 years, it makes a lot of sense to get a reconditioned one. Then the big split is whether you can get away with a straight rail or whether you need a curved one - we needed a curved one a) because the bottom couple of steps were a bit splayed, which meant the gradient changed at the bottom b) the top had a half landing and then a step to the main landing. Straight you should get away with about £1200 reconditioned, a curve takes you to around £3000 reconditioned.

Watch out for dodgy sales practices - one of the people we got a quote from shove a piece of paper at me saying "I just need you signature here" - when I read it carefully it was an actual contract to purchase.

Have to admit there are days when I wish wine was a breakfast beverage! Breakfast is what you make it! DF has settled into a routine of scones and strawberry jam for breakfast, and weetabix for tea.

I'm afraid that this part of his life will block out my memories of him being my best friend all my life. My experience was that once my mother died, and the further away we got from her final months, the more it receded into proportion with the rest of her life. So now my memories of her are mainly of doing fun things with her. I still remember how unrewarding she found her last couple of years, and the difficulties she had before that (she fell ill when I was 18, and went downhill to her death when I was 35), but it's not the first thing that pops into mind when I think of her.

@Bringincrazy that sounds terribly stressful, and quite a risk of multi generational living ....the likelihood that parents will start to depend on you much too soon and stop doing things for themselves

It gives me a sense of parents devouring their children

@Bringincrazy that sounds terribly stressful, and quite a risk of multi generational living ....the likelihood that parents will start to depend on you much too soon and stop doing things for themselves
It gives me a sense of parents devouring their children

Thanks for understanding, yes sadly it does often feel that way, and it can be hard not to feel taken for granted. I just do my best to muddle through really, but it's a challenge as my own physical and mental health aren't exactly tip-top.

Hi all. Thanks for your kind welcome. Squishy sofas, gin, chocolate and wine sound right up my street!

I have Attendance Allowance in place for 2 of my 4 elderlies and am about to investigate whether DF would qualify. Power of Attorney is in progress. Carers come in once a day for each set.

Just back from a double appointment with the consultant for both my parents. They both have bowel cancer. Looks like they will operate on DF at the end of Feb to remove the blockage. DM is a much more difficult case. She has very early stage cancer but also has dementia and struggles to understand things. She has been given the option of either an operation or a ‘wait and see what happens’. I’m struggling to reach a view on this and she can’t grasp it at all. Feels a bit like rolling dice, if you see what I mean.

MrsCat1 so you are going every day as well as the carers?

It is hard with the roll the dice thing, I know

sandwich sorry, forgot to say mum does take Kalms.

I suppose there are bound to be bad days like this, I think we are getting fewer of them....famous last words.

Grace. Hi. My DPs live an hour away from me. My visits vary between 7 days a week and twice a week, depending on how things are going. I have a DB who lives much nearer, but he does next to nothing. 🙁

Trying to work out in my mind whether cancer or dementia are likely to take my DM over first. I know she will be led by my view. Feels like her life in my hands.

MrsCat1 siblings who do nothing are a feature round here.

what does the doc think? I'm not sure if you mentioned her age, sorry if you did and I missed it.

@Grace212.
Doc said it was a very difficult decision. Wouldn’t say more. I will call the specialist nurse (who is very good) to try to get her view. My beloved mum is 88.

MrsCat1

ah, I was wondering if the doc might have had a view on the wisdom of having surgery after a certain age, but I suppose the oncologists will have more of a base to take a view.

I'm an occasional poster but whilst sympathizing with you all don't post often as both parents now passed. My last post was a few months ago about my female family member who was having troubled with her mother in her final weeks due to psychosis.
I re posted when she died. I'm posting this because of a conversation with ffm (female family member) as she has negative feelings towards the memory of her mother, and it had been posted by others here that they feel the same.When my own dm was dying there were times when I felt I had to remind her that I was her daughter and not a carer. I am of the firm belief that people can become very selfish towards the end, they retreat into themselves and the world becomes very small.

thigh so sorry to hear about the s#£& you are having to deal with.
mrscat that is so hard- but surgery can worsen dementia...
grace hope today is a better one.
🌺🌺🍷🍷🍫🍫to all.

I am of the firm belief that people can become very selfish towards the end, they retreat into themselves and the world becomes very small. I think it tarts taking so much energy to look after yourself that there isn't any left for other people. Bit like when I'm suffering from depression, I don't have energy to show empathy to anyone else.

I am so cross!!

Reablement team identified DF needs continuing care, so are handing over early to SS, and I'm seeing SW on Monday.

Then at lunchtime Head of Reablement demands crash meeting this pm- carers are apparently saying DF is managing everything for himself and they want to remove all care. I argued at length, questioned Dad who demonstrated that he can't, for example, wash himself properly. Then she waved a piece of paper at me where she said Dad had signed to say he agreed he didn't need any help. Fortunately I questioned this, and it turns out he thought he was signing to say carer had visited. It has now been annotated to say customer hadn't a clue what he was signing.

And he was adamant he needed help with bedtime (although he's refused to let carers put him to bed at 7.30, so presumably he's been sorting himself out).

We have "compromised". They are continuing morning visit but not evening one. She wanted me to sign to say I agreed with this, I wouldn't, so she wanted Alan to sign. So I've signed, said I don't agree, and why I don't agree.

Dint
so now the situation is that your dad has been told no dementia - sorry I meant to reply to that yesterday before it all kicked off here - and now social services want to withdraw care?

is this all just their way of trying to save money or is there some incompetence here?

regardless, I'm really sorry you're going through this

Dint I am so cross for you! Keep fighting.
Forgot to say victoria thank you for your wise post🌺🌺

Grace It's trying to stretch scarce resources - I presume there's some other poor guy desperate to get out of hospital and waiting for reablement. I can understand that. (Reablement is I think NHS not SS).

What I didn't think of during the 1.5 hour discussion is that her stand today, of removing all care, is totally at odds with their decision last week that he'd need continuing care and therefore to transfer across to paid SS before the full 6 weeks free enablement period ran out. That's fair enough, I can understand that if it becomes clear they're still going to need some care, then they'll initiate transfer to the chargeable SS provision as soon as they've made that decision - but to turn around a week later and say "he doesn't need any help, he's doing it all himself"! That is just not credible.

I was furious that she seemed to be planning to withdraw all care with zero notice. I don't mind being told "you'll have to sort it yourself" - as long as I have time to do that. But I think the night visit has been stopped from tonight, and she was proposing to leave us with no help whatever over the weekend.

Fortunately Dad performed splendidly and made it clear he needed help at night (something to do with changes in police procedures!), even though he hasn't let them help because they come too early. And then the fact they'd got him to sign something he had no understanding of put us back on the moral high ground.

I don't know what to do about the "no dementia". I think we need to know something about what's going on - it was clear today that Enablement Woman was finding it impossible to get straight answers out of my father. The Police were coming into everything.

oh dint that's just awful. hopefully you (and he) have made it clear that 'no care' is not an option. My advice, fwiw, is to make yourself unavailable to provide ANY care, or even offer to sort it. 'the daughter round the corner' situation applied to me for many years, and its a pile of pants, it allows them to get away with providing less than they should because they know that concerned family will pick up the pieces because what else would you do? And that goes to providing material things such as stairlifts etc, if you can pay and you seem to be willing to do so then hell, SS are off the hook. Some of them are marvellous, but most of them are juggling too many people with too little budget, so if you give them an inch they will take a mile.