Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

[picklemepopcorn]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

I can rèally echo the capacity to make bad decisions. It is all about fear of losing control, and is really hard for all.
The answer with how to cope with the toll of elderlies visits? My answer is the treat ratio- balancing visits on a two to one ratio with treats for me. Coffees with friends, phone calls with friends, walks in the woods, chocolate, alcohol- whatever restores. We have talked on here about the need to immerse in metaphoricalTeflon before visit8ng to try to protect ourselves. My situation is fairly calm 🍀🍀at the mo with dm 94( a very long game!) so 2-1 works for me..... more challenges mean increasing th3 ratio!!

Sandwich. I am definitely stealing some of your metaphorical teflon. I think I need to get a bulk order in to coat myself thoroughly. It really would help to deflect the snipes, criticisms, complaining about nothing I do or suggest being right or good enough.

Is there anyone who your dad would listen to? His GP, (I've already used him to get a MH referral) but not sure whether he'd come down firmly on a need for a key safe. Think I need to stand back and let him learn from his bad decisions.

Which I suppose is another way of saying "don some metaphorical teflon"

welcome mere to the place we'd rather not all be. I second nota's advice re getting a man to tell him - if he would respond to that?
Also re the DN: it is her job to get in there and see her patient. Ringing you and saying that she doesnt have time is not on. I would try and call the GP surgery and say you've had this response and what are they going to do about it. One thing I have learnt is that if 'they' think family will step up they get rather more lax (and I appreciate how overstretched resources are etc) but you simply cannot spend the amount of time you are spending.

In other news: got a call from a friend, her DM insists I went to visit her today in a hospital 50 miles away - I havent met the DM since I was about 16. Friend and I are apparently running a half marathon tomorrow... Anyway, who ever this strange woman was nicked the DM's bank card and has spent £450 in various transactions this afternoon. The bank fraud squad is on to it, but what a shitty thing to do to a confused old lady.

Piglet, help yourself! 🛢🛢seriously, trying to visualise a protective coating can help. Deep breath, smile etc before walking in.
I second using authority figures to get elderlies to accept keysafe/ carers/ etc. Whatever makes life easier.
cockroach all!!

Oh yolo how awful! More c#£& for your friend to deal with.

4.5 hours at DM's this morning. Cleared 3 out of 4 bedrooms, got probably 2 tip loads in the garage - textile bank I think, I know it is wasteful but so little of her stuff is 'nice'. I've kept a few bits back for the charity shop. Nice man came and took away all the various old person aids, so that has cleared out half the garage. Got to go back later to meet computer person to see if we can ever get internet connected there so I can access her bank account again (that sounds wrong...) Knackered, now having wine.

Thanks for the replies
I feel a lot different about it today. I think I'd miss my own home and my own space terribly.
I just really wish I felt more encouraged that mum will be all right without dad. I guess there are lots of elderly widows who just learn to cope.

Spoke to my Dad on the way home from work today and he said; “I wish I wasn’t such a burden to you. It would be so much easier for you if I just died.”

I laughed it off with black humour but it broke my heart to hear him say such a thing.

I guess there are lots of elderly widows who just learn to cope. Statistically, elderly widows cope better than elderly widowers. (And, of course, there are a lot more of them).

One thing that I'm becoming aware of is that I am unlikely to be free of parent-caring responsibilities before I'm 75, and since I'm already accumulating the usual old-age disorders, that might be too late to re-create a life for myself. I need to hold on to the friends and activities that I have at the moment.

Interesting that we've been talking about clearing houses and then today I get a call about this. Just been told that my brother ( who I'm not in contact with) but who is living in my parents house, has phoned my church to ask for help as he's struggling with his health and trying to clear the house! No one even told me this was happening!! The trustees of the will promised me that they would keep an eye on things. Feels like this is never going to be over.

Sorry the nightmare is continuing whatever
grace sounds like you are rethinkIng- good!
yolo hope you are feeling like you are at least doing something useful. So hard.
🌺🌺🍷🍷cockroach

whatever oh shit! I hope you can get to the bottom of it. undercover my DM has been suicidal for so long I have just got used to it... and in fact, in her condition, I totally agree. Sorry, that is so bleak. But I am a great believer in quality of life above all. grace my mum coped really well for 10-15 years or so. It is possible to do it, it is possible to learn stuff you (they?) never knew how to do. I really, seriously, urge you to put your own wishes first. Or else they will never happen cockroach to all.

I hope it's ok to just join in ... my mum has Alzheimer's and frankly it's horrific. The carer is having a (well earned) weekend off (first in four weeks) and I am here instead.

My mother is just vile. So self indulgent, abusive and hateful and yes, I know it is 'just' the disease but it is so goddamn depressing. And my dad, who has just had an op so is fully incapacitated just has to sit there and listen to her. She hits him, shouts at him, gets angry, starts crying and it's just awful. He is depressed, she is abusive and at what point does my concern for him become a safeguarding issue? I feel so useless.

And on top of that, I am a single parent of a four year old so he has to be here too. And I try to shield him but that is hard. And then I worry about what seeing his 74 yr old grandparents are doing to him.

Right. Rant over. Will suck it up and be fine tomorrow. Just needed to say it out loud.

Hello Grace i went for the option of moving close to my parents when i realised they were struggling. They’ve now moved to nursing home but we had 2 years of being very nearby and it was good - being on hand makes a massive difference. Having your own separate home gives you space as others have said, but I also got a lot of pleasure from welcoming them to lunch every Sunday. And when mum was upset, bringing her to my house for meal/cup of tea made a huge difference

Amazed by how many of us are dealing with all this. Tea, strength and lots of patience for everyone this weekend .

Charlie That sets everything in perspective, doesn't it? I'll stop moaning about mine. Huge sympathy!

Charlie I'm so sorry that you are another person facing these problems.
I really recommend phoning Adult Services and asking for an Assesment under the Care Act. It isn't snitching to Social Services it's getting your parents the help they need. They will be assessed as a couple and as individuals. If you can please try and attend with appointment with them as you need to explain your circumstances as well. When my parents were assessed I had to explain why my DSis and I could 'only' do so much.

I have also witnessed the inter marital abuse. It’s utterly grim to watch and know that it would break his heart to lose her but living with her is dire

How does anyone cope when a parent takes ages to die? This is a living hell. My father can't speak or eat, he's been in the last stage of dying for about a fortnight.

Thank you all for replying.

@Windgate, my parents have enough money to pay for a carer (thankfully) so would the assessment be relevant to them?

This morning was very difficult. My dad is saying he can cope when he is better with reduced hours from the carer but I pointed out that she needs full personal care. This morning she went to the loo with him in with her and she wouldn't clean herself and dad wouldn't do it for her. I then had to deal with it. It made me angry. With him for putting me in that position, with her (even though it really isn't her fault) and then I took it out on my 4 yr old .... Such a good daughter/parent!

Then we went out and I played Billy Joel in the car and she sang along like she used to .... made me feel so sad.

Grace that is really hard. Just take it one day at a time and don’t think about the next day.

My parents will be paying for all care and tbh this has been a major issue 1). It is so expensive- we have been quoted £350 per week for two hours each day 2) there is no health professional coordinating or recommending and pushing it which means Dad wriggles out of doing anything because he finds it so hard. I think it (caring 24 hrs a day) will be the death of him and then she will go into care and the state will get the money anyway. So they may as well hand over their home now and benefit but obviously M&D don’t see it quite that way!

🌺🌺to grace and Charlie.. it must be so hard.
cockroach all.