Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

[picklemepopcorn]

Carrying on from previous thread, IF I can work out how to link...

Come and offload your worries and frustration here, and share your experience and hard won wisdom with the rest of us!

Could you suggest it as an insurance, for example if she were to be ill or hurt the assessment would prove her home is suitable for her to return to?

Does she have all the aids she needs, railings and so on? Because they will fit them for you. An outside key safe, for example, or a shower seat.

No they’ve got nothing like that and IMO needs their home looking at for access. This is the issue.

Maybe a story about someone you know who couldn't be released from hospital because the necessary gadgets weren't in place? How they wish they'd got the gadgets installed before they needed them, etc.

I find it's a drip drip process rather than a single conversation. Mentioning the gadgets that are available on one occasion, then what a friend has had done on another. How someone got locked out of the house but it was ok because of the keysafe etc.

I hope you find a way- you are quite right, it's the best way to stay put. Maybe the GP could suggest it?

I’m sure the GP has already suggested it tbh.

Would letting relative know the equipment is free help? Would they listen to a vicar/ neighbour? Could. Age uk help? I’m sure they have factsheets etc on how to live independently at home.... etc....

I had a wave of real sadness and loss tonight. We had intended to go on holiday together, dad and DH doing the Dday landings and graveyards, mum and I do gardens and museums.

It won't happen now. We had so little time when Dad was well.

Mum is not doing too badly, although she says she is. She's being really independent and capable, though she complains about it a lot.

Oh pickle I am so sorry. These things sneak up on you unexpectedly. Sending and a big hug.

So I have an active recovery review tomorrow for my Grandad. Unfortunately my Auntie and Uncle don’t live locally which only leaves my Dad who cares for my disabled Mum as well as working full time. He’s been having care since Wednesday and I’m hoping it will continue and then be passed to private carers but I think GD will be reluctant when he realises the cost. I’ve encouraged him to think how he is on his worst day rather than his best day when deciding to continue but he is so up and down. I’m feeling out of my depth as I would love him to stay at home as long as he’s safe and able to look after himself but on the other hand, I work full time, have 2 young children and my dh works away during the week so I have to be realistic about what I can do x

That realism is really important. Make sure you explain that in the review! I hope it goes well.

Thank you Sandwich.

We took mum to the nursing home yesterday. It went well though unexpected twist was that dad was shocked by the idea of her staying and said it would make her depressed and he doesn’t want her to be there.

DD2 and I walked through the whole process with mum. Packed a bag, brought her to ours for lunch and set off from there. I hated the idea of leaving straight from her house. We were good until the nurse asked about mum’s diagnosis. When we said she’s 10-12 years into Alzheimer’s, the lovely nurse said we’d done an amazing job and we both immediately burst into tears.

Along that sounds such a hard thing to do.well done to you and your dd. Hope it works for them both. Your df probably feels his space is invaded - but now breathe, and to you.

Just popping in to distribute and to anyone who wants it. Also a hand squeeze for anyone it might help.

I'm still limping on. My mother is complaining vociferously about her situation (and somewhat bending the truth about her situation) but adamantly refusing to do anything to change it. I am exhausted, physically and emotionally. Sigh.

Popping in to mark my place so that I can come back when I have time.

76 year old father with dementia - vascular - early onset.

I lost my 18 year old son 4 years ago to cancer, my mum the following year. Now I'm looking after my dad, with whom I have had a very tricky relationship with. I'm tired, exhausted and don't really want to be doing this.

Hey ho, will return when I have time and wine in hand to read back through the thread properly.

I’ll have please and a hand hold. Already had a Magnum am comfort eating my way through today.

My mum greeted me this morning with the usual detailed run down of all her woes followed by thinly veiled hints that I’m not doing enough etc. I was feeling so low I just soaked it all up.

A low point was her bitching about the lovely local volunteer ladies who drove her to an appointment last week for free ‘Middle class do-gooders’ from a woman who has never helped anyone in her life.

I feel for you Monica, have you got anything nice to look forward to on the horizon? Any break from it?

See you later, minmooch. Meanwhile, here's some .

Sorry, WinterLight, didn't see your post.

Your mother sounds uncannily like mine (although mine would dearly love to find some middle class do-gooders to drive her around, as she refuses to use public transport, including taxis). I don't get much break from it but do try to intersperse it with treats to myself. This afternoon I went to the cinema to see Nothing Like A Dame, but couldn't help reflecting on the contrast between their general cheeriness (helped by the presence of cameras, no doubt) and my mother's endless negativity.

My mum is wrestling with the fact that she wants support from all and sundry, while recognising she never did anything like for anyone.

Minmooch, that's terribly hard to cope with. Please please palm some of it off on professionals. You need to get through this.

Winterlight, Monica, pass the and . Sounds like we all need it.

Along, do you think your father enjoyed the break from feeling responsible for your mum?

Hurrah.

My Dad is starting to organise a downstairs bedroom. He really needs it. It will become his idea of course!

My mum won’t do public transport either she’s never learnt to drive. She’s the classic Hyacinth Bucket, handbag on lap, ‘watch out for that cyclist dear’ and ‘can’t you get any closer I wanted dropping right by the door’.

When my dad had to give up driving because of Alzheimer’s she said ‘‘what I really want is someone in the village who I could just call anytime that I want a lift. I would pay for their petrol’
Unpaid staff on 24 hour standby. Like me😊
The volunteer drivers have been a great disappointment because you have to book them! And sometimes they are busy and have the audacity to have lives of their own.

Greetings everyone here, sorry I haven’t quite got the hang of posting and replying to names etc but it’s nice to have this place to come to and share (moan in my case) as no one outside gets it.

Winter, my mum said very similar! She wants help she can call on at the moment she needs it, rather than having someone come for set hours a day.

Marriage really doesn't do some people any favours! 'Richard...!'

Dad fell over this morning and hit his head on the curb. Small cut but seems ok but shaken.

Trying to get a care package in place but it seems rather difficult. Crisis team and adult social services say he needs this. Adult social services say they can't offer him the package he needs - just medication prompt at the moment. If he doesn't get that he will go back to not taking the meds, then he goes downhill crisis team, police and social services involved again, crisis team visits, he stabilises, then they leave with no care package in place. He goes downhill and so we go round and round. Hey ho.

Ahhhhhh.

I survived my son's illness and death, survived my mum's illness and death. Looking after my dad is not going to bring me down!!!

I feel tired and tearful today so need a place to get things off my chest/out of my head. Having re-built my life again and found some happiness I feel angry and cross and tired and sad that I'm now feeling responsible for my Dad. He was not a great dad to me and yet here I am, trying to care for him because I'm a better person I suppose.

I don't want to fall back and I do feel wobbly today. I have a brother who helps but the main responsibility falls to me.

I find the conflict of emotions exhausting. I feel tired shouldering the responsibilities.

I've got my eldest nephew's wedding next week - which will be lovely. But happy family occasions come with their own anxieties for me as they highlight my son's absence. And my mum's.

Sorry for the moaning and no support from me.

Wishing you best of luck with everything you have to deal with minmooch.

Minmooch don’t apologise for moaning please you are shouldering an extraordinary burden and carrying your own grief. It’s all so horribly unfair, I struggle with the injustice of how life has turned out and I haven’t had to experience your loss.

My dad has just been discharged from hospital after a fall, we are barely coping with his Alzheimer’s but have been passed around like pass the parcel between services who don’t want the responsibility. They only step in when there is a crisis so you end up wishing for one but then have to deal with the aftermath. Wishing you all the best and hope that you get to enjoy the wedding and switch off for a bit from it all.

Minmooch, I'm sorry!

I'm going to say something harsh. The most important person in this situation is you. You must focus on what you need, and what you want. Let your brother and the professionals concentrate on your dad.

You are already the better person, so don't feel any guilt for protecting yourself.

And this is definitely the place to come and have a little cry and a grumble. We understand.