Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

[picklemepopcorn]

Carrying on from previous thread, IF I can work out how to link...

Come and offload your worries and frustration here, and share your experience and hard won wisdom with the rest of us!

Yes with my rational head I think moving in is bad idea. It would be me and DD17, who is brilliant but showing the strain of it all. Plus we have a dog. Mum likes the dog but has never lived with him.

She’s said once or twice that maybe she’d like to go to the nursing home too but at other times she’s talking about going on without dad at home. She’s a strong, independent character and I can’t see her in the nursing home at the moment.

Don’t think he’ll regain his mobility. He’s in that group who’ve been in the news recently - has several long term conditions which the NHS is not set up to deal with holistically. He’s quite frail and has been losing weight for a while.

I’d picked out this nursing home when dad was sick 2 years ago. As it turned out, he improved that time but it meant we were able to move fast last week.

That's reassuring at least, that you can feel confident in your choice.

Thank you for this thread. Maybe I'm not the only one in this craziness. Story too long and exhausting to explain. Not at work today as can't get it together, so tired and tearful. Very difficult mother is awaiting decision to put her in rehab for a while. Just hoping all involved will now see what's going on and not just listen to her version of how she thinks she can cope.

Hello all- and sorry to have to join us whatever. and for you.
Loads of support, advice and wisdom here- you are not alone. And use the phrases” vulnerable adult” to whoever is in range as often and loudly as possible. Do post more if we can help. Loads of experience. We hear you.
Another big thank you to needmoresleep and mightybanhammer for advice re attendance allowance- dm has had it awarded after I got help from the carers association to complete and because I sent it on forms requested by phone, not printed off on line as advised, she got £500 back pay... 🌺🌺🌺🌺

Well done Sandwich!

Hello whatever, sorry it's been so tough. Hopefully the end is in sight, if other people see it too.

There is all sorts going on at my end. Mum is doing surprisingly well, becoming more confident every time she does something new. She still feels pretty sorry for herself, and she's having no support or contact from the extended family. So in the last three weeks, she's seen none of her 4 adult grandchildren who live locally, and not heard from my sister (long story). My brother rang for the first time since Mothering Sunday, and visited her at the weekend. It's not good for a newly widowed woman.

So she's completely dependent on me phoning regularly. On the up side, she's really started to appreciate me, realising that I ring when I say I will etc, and she's stopped complaining at me because she's realised I'm doing my best. I'm going to look into one of those sockets someone mentioned that alerts you if it isn't used. If anyone can remember the name, to save me searching, that would be great!

I'll be back down there in a couple of weeks.

Thank you for the welcome, I think I'm going to find the advice and support will be very needed. Already found that saying 'safe guarding concern' seemed to get things moving a bit x

Well done Sandwich. It is a long and depressing form. But the money is useful, especially if you can pursuade your 'oldies' to use it to make life earier. Taxis, cleaner etc.Plus it opens the door to other benefits like Council Tax remission.

I just got notice that my mums Blue Badge has been approved. So I can take her for tea at the beach to celebrate..and have somewhere to park.

A small one but anyone who applied for a POA since, I think April 2013, is due a small refund, about £50. Martin Lewis or OPG have details. The money goes to the donor but anyone can do the application as long as you have their bank details. You dont apparently need a receipt, and it is supposed to be easy. Perhaps I coukd treat DM to a bottle of prosecco when I take her to the beach. That would be interesting.

For whatever reason my DM has been a lot brighter and more cheerful over the last couple of months. She is still very handicapped by her memory loss, but she is the best she has been for a while. It's not obvious why.

We use the 3rings telecare - very good and excellent support if any problems

Thank you, longlong

Had a few scares now with mum heading off on her own. On Sunday she went out twice - in the morning we were going to see her and bumped into her on nearby road....phew. We have a DIY tracker device in her handbag and that evening I happened to check it and saw she was out. DD ran down there to find out she’d gone out, got lost, nice man had brought her home but she couldn’t find her key and he was on the verge of calling police.

We ended up reporting her missing to the police yesterday. In fact she had made her own way to the lunch club - never happened before. But it’s too risky.

So I think we need to persuade her into the nursing home where my dad is. Have been reading the Contented Dementia book for advice. We’ve done well to get to this point but we’ll need to sell their house to fund both of them being in nursing home so no turning back. Very weighty decision.

It is, long long. I've read that it is better to do it sooner and well planned rather than later, in a rush, as an emergency.

Is there any chance of your dad coming out of the nursing home after he has recovered? Or is he happier there?

I agree, I have had to do it after a crisis and it's been a really difficult time. Mum is settling in nursing home but I am having to clear her flat and dispose of everything without her really understanding what's going on. I wish she had moved before when she would have had some input into the decisions and it would have be a less traumatic time. Instead, it all weighs heavily on me.
Good luck

Hello all. Can I give another to needmoresleep for menti9ning the poa refund?www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney-refund
Just applied as has dB for his in laws.
Prosecco hopefully all round.... and good news re blue badge. A big faff to get but really useful.
Good luck and to all others.

Mum now in a rehab home and being high maintenance. Latest is that her purse was 'stolen' during the transfer to rehab Home.
Dad has been in a home since 2 days before Christmas when Mum and brother ( who lives with them and is an arrogant idiot) decided overnight that they couldn't have Dad there any longer. The home was a rush decision and although staff are great the home is not exactly 'luxurious'.
I spent Monday in A and E with Mum and then took Tuesday off to deal with aftermath. Rest of week I've been madly trying to make the time up at work. I have 3 teenage children, foreign students.", a dog to walk and a very supportive other half.
I just feel like I've dragged myself through the week going through the motions. I can put on a front most of the time but feel on the verge of tears all the time.
The constant pressure to see my parents, answer texts, be everywhere that everyone needs me to be is suffocating. Can't see anyway out of this.
Mum texting me about being lonely and a bit low. Poor Dad has no one to visit except me.
To top it all, during time in A and E Mum announced that marrying my Dad was a mistake.
Brilliant.

Large glass of wine to you @whatever45

I too am drowning, physically and mentally. Although Mum is safe and being cared for very well in the home, the work I am having to do to "pack up" her previous life is overwhelming.

I'm facing it again tomorrow and then, I am taking Sunday and Monday off from it all. Fuck it. It'll all be there waiting for me again Tuesday

Mumisaworry - was it that obvious that I had already opened a bottle? Hope you are ok? The house situation will be a whole new nightmare as arrogant idiot brother lives there too ( our old 5 bed family home). Also just found out youngest teenager upset a friend on social media. Have removed phone but no brain space to work out how to deal with that one.Blaming myself for being a bad mother as well as everything else. More wine anyone?

Oh dear!

Good thing there isn't a wine shortage!

I think I read a separate post about your parents and brother, whatever. You were worried that they weren't looking after your dad well enough, despite DB getting carer's allowance, I think.

I'd be tempted to prioritise your dad, and let DB look after your mum. Tell them you can't do both, so this is what you've decided.

We’re moving forward as best we can

Had to do the Deprivation of Liberty Safeguards process for dad this week. The assessor was lovely and it all seemed to go ok. My brother refused to take part - he’s not coping too well.

I got the managers of the nursing home to come and see mum today and between us we interested her in going in for a short stay and see how it goes. Heart rending stuff.

Dd2 is going tomorrow to help her pack a bag for a weeks stay and then we’ll take her on Saturday and see what happens . I went back to see her tonight and she was still very positive about it. House is not home without dad and she doesn’t want to be there without him.

I'm glad you managed to help her feel it was worth trying it out. I hope she settles quickly and comfortably, and is reassured by being with your Dad again. It will be nice for them to be together without all the responsibility.

Along, sounds like things are moving but it is still so sad.
Whatever- I know it’s early for but have some anyway. Please try and take time to breathe.
Hope everyone else is doing ok!

Afternoon all. Long time lurker and occasional poster here.

I can hardly dare believe it but, after four years of deterioration, my poor MIL, who can no longer read, write, make a phone call, manage her own medication, remember anyone's birthdays, operate her cooker or washing machine, is going to have a brain scan next week.

Thankfully, her condition was spotted by a hospital doctor, who asked the GP to refer and we managed to get an initial assessment, which gives us a working diagnosis of 'some kind of dementia' last month.

She has been shamefully neglected by her DC, who are all in some degree of denial, and the stress of watching her decline being ignored has nearly broken me and my marriage.

I pray that we are going to be able to move forward now.

Thank you to posters on this thread from whom I have learnt so much about what should be happening.

Hi all thanks for being there.
Timeistight I hope things move in the right direction. I agree about this causing a strain at home. I really don't know how to avoid this it's very hard on everyone.
Yes I think I might've posted a while ago with concerns about my Dad. He's doing well now and settled in a home. In the battles with Mum I now find going to visit Dad strangely relaxing and a comfort.
Being a little selfish today and have taken some time off to just be at home in the sunshine with my four footed best friend.
Hope everyone has a restful weekend.

My Dad has his blue badge.

Moving onto organising downstairs bedroom. It takes about three months for him to mull a suggestion over and another three months until implementation!

One step at a time.

Can anyone suggest a way I can persuade an elderly relative to get assessed by social services? Relative is convinced this would be the first step towards residential care which they are adamant they don’t want. Fair enough but to me support from social services is the best way of ensuring that the relative stays in their own home, which is happily ground floor and easy access. Am I missing something?