Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

[picklemepopcorn]

Carrying on from previous thread, IF I can work out how to link...

Come and offload your worries and frustration here, and share your experience and hard won wisdom with the rest of us!

so glad it was as good as it could have been whatever. time for you and yours now xx

DM having panic attacks 'what if I'm still in here by Christmas?' pointed out with my usual sympathy that she couldnt afford it... she is her own worst enemy, she wont go downstairs on the grounds that the bloke she sat with at lunch on Friday wouldnt speak to her (wasnt accustomed to chatty women?!). She can go downstairs and meet other posh old ladies, even if she doesnt like the activities she can sit in a wheelchair in a diff room. Anyway, went to see the mgr, first chance since DM's arrival on Thurs. Mgr says no reason DM should stay in her room, will encourage nurses to bring her out and make her stay out for at least 30 mins so that she engages which should cheer her up. And that she thinks DM may only need 2 weeks in the home... so very mixed messages all round! (DM is in eeyore mode though so that's probably why)

yolo that is so hard..... dm was similar in respite. She will not be happy- you are doing all you can but she is safer than at home.
Please do nice things with your dc.

Yes, do take advantage of the opportunity to relax a bit while she's well looked after!

DDs and I have had a Planning Meeting. Meal out on Weds; trip to deliver DD2s stuff to her uni house, then back to a party (long drive in a day but my bestie at the end of it) plus a trip to IKEA before DD1 goes back to uni, and DD2 may go back the following day. so all a bit hectic, but at least I will get to spend some proper time with them before they both go back.

DM's latest: she left a msg with DB sometime today asking for the phone number of the home she is in so she can arrange her discharge. NO idea when this was and have heard nothing since, so assume she has not arrived home and will deny all knowledge tomorrow!

Hope it's ok to pop a post here. I'm feeling sort of trapped at the moment. I have always lived with my Mum. My Dh and three children live here too. Mum is 73, and suffers from all kinds of phobias/hang ups. She has always had anxiety and depression. She is a good person, but she makes our lives so difficult. She expects so much, and things are getting worse. She thinks she is fine, and nothing is ever her fault. She denies having the issues I've mentioned, and thinks the way she is, is completely fine. She has walked with a wheelie frame for the last 5 yrs because she is scared of falling. She has had incontinence issues since she was in her 40s, but never went to the drs, so now she is completely incontitent, and doesn't manage it well. The pressure on us is unreal at times. She makes her worries, our worries. Her memory is getting worse, and she has had a couple of falls lately. I really don't know what will happen next, and I'm so down. If things get worse, I can't afford to give up work to look after her, and I'm not sure I could do it anyway. Thanks for reading.

hi cherrysherbert I am so sorry. that sounds like a really tough situation for you all. could you phone the gp and ask for a health assessment for your mum, and see if you can get social services involved? she may not want to comply, but if you can get some wheels rolling it may help you feel a little bit more in control. Failing that, talk to Age uK about support for carers? you sound as if you have fallen into the caring role by default, and that's not ok when you have kids/work/dh too. No judgement from any of us on this thread, we all know how shit it can be - and no, of course you cant and dont have to give up work!!

Hi Cherry.
You could make that a 'hard boundary'. No matter what, you will not give up work. Have a chat with DH and work out your other boundaries. It really helps to reflect on how things are going, if you have boundaries thought out ahead of time.

You've certainly got a tough situation, as Yolo says, talk to the HCPs and see what they suggest. It's not safe for you or your mum, having no safety net in place.

Cherry , great advice from pickle and yolo. Firm boundaries and insist on involving professionals. It will be tough, but the alternative is unthinkable.
She may be entitled to attendance allowance etc- seek advice from age uk on completing the forms. Not means tested and could pay for help. Good luck.

Hello from me too, Cherrysherbet. Your comment that The pressure on us is unreal at times. She makes her worries, our worries neatly sums up what many of us here are grappling with. There's some good advice here already, but I'll just trot out my usual line, that you can't pour from an empty jug. Whatever you do, make sure you get some decompression time and have some kind of break from it all.

OK, this is either coincidence or I am having extreme paranoia...

At DM's today there is an answerphone msg from her friendly local taxi driver, asking where she is. At the same time, she urgently needs her cheque book so she can pay the physiotherapist who has attended her twice.

Does 2+2=5? Should I 'not be able to find' the cheque book when I go in tomorrow??

Given that there is nothing at all in place for her to come home to - no care, no food, blah blah. Help!!!

Eek. What do you think? Is this likely to be her escape attempt?

5 definitely! Oh heavens yolo! Not sounding good. Sending support for a difficult time. Good luck. Marshall your allies. 🌺🌺🌺

oh god sandwich do you really think so?? I thought I was being paranoid... need to call DB I think!

Check with the home but sounds to my suspicious mind..... and bank holiday coming up so no chance of getting care in place......good luck🌺🌺🌺

said I couldnt find chequebook... took her out for picnic lunch in the garden in wheelchair which she seemed to enjoy. Tho I had said 'can we just have a nice lunch and not talk about death?' guess the topic of convo... then she had huge anxiety attack about whether she should go back to her room/sit in conservatory/go back to her room. eventually decided on room so she could do physio exercises. Care conf about her tomorrow, they say maybe 2 weeks in the home as she is doing very well - she cannot actually stand up without 2 helpers so I have my doubts. Care agency lady being a bit vague about when she can go and see mum - not til end of next week which would be a full 2 weeks in care home and then presumably some more days til right carer(s) can be found. Not sure whether it is due to reluctance to take DM on again or not, but I have a call with another agency tomoz. Going out now with the DDs and DD2's boyf!! Good luck all xx

Yolo that is so draining. Hope you had a lovely time with the youngsters... these treats help cope with the dm grief. Hope you can get care sorted for when she needs it.

lovely night last night! today has gone a bit tits up tho.

Basically, the care home has had enough of her, so much enough that the manager told me she would not be welcome back. (extreme rudeness to staff etc)

Spoke to SS today; local Enablement Team have been asked to get her involved so that she goes home, they visit 3 x per day and rather than do everyting they help and encourage. So far so good - but the day she broke her hip we had one visit from them (first scheduled) and she took great umbrage at hobbling into the kitchen to choose her own tea..

I have told SS she is not safe at home without live in care; they obvs dont provide that. First agency we used with her are unable to complete an assessment before the end of next week (into which I read ' your mum is a PITA') and new one I have contacted will take 5-7 days to find the right person.

7 days from now DH and I will both be away for the night, one with each DD. So either she waits til we get back, or she puts up with the poor sod who takes on the caring job!! Jesus, and breathe.

How on Earth is anyone supposed to know what to do with that!?!

It's like a child being excluded from 'education elsewhere'.

Oh yolo that is c#££. How impossible. She cannot go home until care is in place. It is so hard. Sending massive amounts of sympathy, gin and whatever you need. Stay strong.

Has she consented to the enablement team being involved? Can she consent? Given they missed a visit and she broke her hip on her first day without other support, how can they possibly offer that as the best option now??

Is the addiction one of the main issues? Is her GP managing that? are her drugs of addiction prescribed?

I don't know why I'm asking all these questions. There's absolutely no need to answer. What a crappy situation yolo.

She would consent to anything if she thought it meant she could go home (eg agreed to have meals on wheels despite trying them a few years ago and declaring them expensive crap for old people).

She would totally deny drug addiction but lets just say a bit trigger happy with the cocodamol, temazepam and valium which are prescribed.

She has shot herself in the foot really; when one caring agency and one care home both find themselves 'unwilling' to care for her any longer she has no resource to anything other than state care. Which she wont like, obviously, as they will be forrin, or not PLU, or just simply not good/subservient enough.

DDs and I have really had enough and DH can barely stand to hear her name. all round, and thank you so much for listening to me rant, I wish I could be more helpful to the rest of you.

Oh, yolo, that sounds so draining and exhausting. Don’t apologise for ranting - I think it does help the rest of us (well, it certainly helps me) by showing that there are so many of us plodding on, grappling with an imperfect health and social care system that doesn’t really meet the need, doing what we can and trying to keep all the other plates spinning too. It’s grim, but at least there’s a sense of solidarity.

I just feel like I just come and whinge and dont have anything useful to contribute to others (and I like being useful!) ho hum, lets keep the plates spinning til we all go to bed and then the Sleep Fairy can take over!!

For what it's worth, I find it helpful when people come on this thread to vent, as it shows me I'm not the only one going though this. I joined a dementia FB group, but most people on their are 'nice' about it all, which isn't what I need at the moment. Perhaps it's being about to vent here with complete anonymity that makes the difference.

My mum is 90 this year, and in relatively good physical health. Her mum went on to 99. I just can't help thinking I can't see me lasting another 10 years of this.

She has continence issues, but doesn't acknowledge it. So I have to work around that, by buying into the pretence.

She is nasty to most people, or about most people. Therefore anyone with a choice has stepped away from her. Leaving me and DB.

She is self pitying, bored and lonely but refuses any reasonable solutions such as day centres, therefore I will not counternance the complaints. What she reallys wants is to be involved further in my life, and that of my family. But I won't have that - that's my line which I don't cross. I tried to do that but it doesn't work for me. If we go out for a meal on ocassion, then no, I don't want to take her with me as that means I don't get to relax. My DH and kids make an effort with her, but their investment stops when the criticisms/racism, etc starts, and I can't blame them for that. So, she's my cross to bear apparently, but I am not a natural cross bearing type of person.