Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

[picklemepopcorn]

Carrying on from previous thread, IF I can work out how to link...

Come and offload your worries and frustration here, and share your experience and hard won wisdom with the rest of us!

Yolo, as the others said, your honest description of the situation is helpful to other people. It frees us up. It makes us aware of some issues we may not have encountered yet, so its less of a shock when we do.

Addiction, for example. DM hits the cocodamol hard at times, at one point she couldn't sleep without it. She took it every day. I think she had withdrawal aches and pains so took it to ease that.

I had forgotten this is likely to raise its head again in future.

If I took the amount of cocodamol DM does I would not be able to move... horrible stuff.

Waiting to see what delights today will bring, I can only imagine it will be stressful! She wants me to bring her some 'lovely M&S' food, when I pointed out our nearest M&S is 20 miles away she didnt see that as an issue. She'll have to make do with Waitrose!

Courage mes amis!

Yolo, agree with everyone here- please vent and rage here- as nota and Monica say, just being able to share this stuff makes us feel not alone, and not so guilty about voicing this stuff onto the ether.
Saying what we feel- and validating our choices as you say to not include the elderlies in meals out etc......
And yes.... when the criticism/ racism etc kicks in.....time to withdraw.
Yolo your dm is causing this while of relatively sound mind..... and hearing what the agencies say vindicates you but makes it bloody hard.
Courage, Teflon and gin, mes amies......🌺🌺🌺

Reporting in for duty.

So... she is coming home on Tuesday. The local enablement team will do one evening visit that day and then I think 5 more over the next two days. I cannot collect her or be in the house when she arrives, massive work deadline.

Hyperventilation starts, she thought she could rely on me and the DDs. Suggested she phone her friendly local taxi man, more panic as she cannot remember his name or find the number (clue: its under T for taxi).

She was an absolute cow and DD2 (19) got enraged and gave her a few home truths. Unfortunately DD2 cries when she's angry, and DM said 'oh darling I'm so sorry you are sad about me'. Wrong thing to do
because DD2 then went in full guns blazing.

Why can she not agree to stay til Friday when I can get a live-in carer?? because she is a stupid, intransigent old bat. She will fall over again by Tuesday night or at least Wednesday morning.

Off to phone social services now to see if they can confirm next steps.

Sounds incredibly hard work yolo. Wishing you all the best.

I have an elderly Dad by himself since Mum died. He was angling for me to do his large garden but I couldn't cope so held out until he got a gardener. This is working well now.

However he has become extremely immobile and cannot clean the house so is now leaving it each week until I visit. I've suggested a cleaner but so far this is being ignored as 'he' can cope. It is harder to deal with leaving someone in a smelly house than dealing with the garden where it didn't matter as much.

Goodness, she's determined to ignore reality isn't she, Yolo!

That must be hard, Little. Hopefully he'll agree soon.

I went to A&E with my teenage daughter and it was amazing to see how many people were there with elderly relatives who had multiple problems. It made me realise how common these situations are becoming and how difficult they are to cope with too.

It is the combination effect isn't it? Children, husband, university trips, work, home, elderly parent, their medical needs, errands, their house.......

Yolo your mother is priceless. Step back, you have done what you can. She knows the risks. Your poor dd. She shouldn’t have to deal with this.
Little- hold the line. Could you suggest a one- off clean to get things back in shape?
🌺🌺🍫🍫☕️☕️🥃 to all.

Social services say the enablement team cannot handle her needs. not quite sure what happens now!! but apparently someone is going to phone me (on a Friday afternoon before the bank holiday? seems unlikely...)

I think the autonomy, do what you like, keep your independence ethos has gone too far.
We used to know that we have to make compromises, that some options aren't open to everyone.

Now the expectation is that everyone can have what they want.

One off clean is a good idea. I did that with the gardener and it worked.

Holding the line. It is like going into battle. Us versus stubborn independence.

Independence is great but not if it destroys someone else's life. Luckily I'm not at that stage but some of the stories on this thread make me think that the system is broken.

Hello I’m new! I’m dealing with my Nanna who we are now realising is suffering from more than just memory issues she has a memory appointment/assessment next week and the past two weeks have been so difficult compounded by me being 32 weeks pregnant! I took her to an eye appointment two weeks ago where we were told she is virtually blind which she denies and also combined with memory issues meaning I do not think she can look after herself- she currently lives alone around an hour away from me and my dad and is desperate not to move out of the house she’s been in for 69 years. Since that appointment she has booked a taxi each day to go to the appointment seeminly on a loop thinking each day is that day. She is also constantly panicking about lost purse or bag which she finds then panic it is lost ten minutes later accusing people of taking etc. this is sometimes confused by moments of compete clairty and self awareness which change to not letting anyone help her or let us get anyone to help her.

I wondered how you have dealt with getting in home care for a person who doesn’t want it? And if this sound like dementia if so how can I help, do I remind her she’s forgotten things or play along?

Thanks so much!

Hi Dolly. It's a hard one when the person themself resists external help especially if 'they' can cope (ie you can do things for them). My mum resisted help until she had a stroke, then 'authority' stepped in to set up the carers. Mum respects authority, so that worked far better than anyone else nicely suggesting it. We also have the lost/stolen bag/cheque book drama regularly.

Don't hold out too much hope that a diagnosis of dementia will unlock much help, depending on where you live, there is very little out there. But try and explore things that put support in place if you can before your baby gets here, for example applying for attendance allowance (that can help pay towards care etc), getting POA in place. All useful things for the future.

there is a book called contended dementia which you may find useful, it basically suggests playing along with things, rather than correcting the person.

yolo sending extra 🍷🍷🍫🍫. No idea where you go now.
Good advice from nota and the use of authority figures seems to help with elderlies- doctor/ vicar etc.........

Yolo just to say you helped me loads when I felt like I was endlessly coming on here struggling with my situation. I'm so sorry that it's got so difficult at the moment. I agree with others that you need to step back now so that your DM has to see for herself what the reality of being at home will be like. So difficult I know so well xx

dolly it's so easy to give advice to others but harder to put it into action - as we all know only too well on here. At 32 weeks pregnant though, YOU and the baby are the priority. You cannot keep travelling an hour each way to sort her out so however reluctant she is, she will have to accept some form of care. I am so sorry.

DM has managed to book herself a taxi home on tues pm to said empty house. A couple of local carers have gone freelance and have said they will help out a bit. The one I spoke to today has a 5 yo and a 6yo so her working time in school summer hols will be in short supply. SS not that much help though concerned about her vulnerability. I could write a bloody book about today alone, let's just say that she apparently has mental capacity, she's made her own bed and is about to fall out of it very soon. all round.

Thank you so much for all your kind words and advice.... honestly so helpful and nice to know it’s a relatively common problem sometimes feels like no one would understand the insanity of it xx buying that book contented dementia for sure! Xx

Fun visit this morning, and I am not particularly proud of myself.

Why is everyone so cross with me?
Because we think you are making a stupid rash decision without thinking of anyone else.
But it's MY life!
So get on with it.
Get me an overnight carer NOW.
Not possible, spent last week trying to do just that.
Ok I'll stay 2 more days.
Not possible, they cant rearrange the care package now in place at your request, you would have to stay another week.
But I'm so frightened here, I think I'm going to die. You cant be angry with an old lady who has hurt herself. I thought you loved me?
Don't be so bloody manipulative (and then I left with steam coming out of my ears).

Still, it's a sunny day and I have so probably just a few more phonecalls to either duck or manoeuvre my way through...

Oh yolo you could not have done anything else. She has created this and needed to hear the home truths. 🍷🍷🍷for you.

Oh DEAR. Your life certainly involves doing things you don't want to do, yolo, that visit very much included. Most people's lives do. If you didn't love her you wouldn't care that her being at home is so extremely risky for her.

My mother's LPA has been registered at last, and she is buying another place which my sister and i dropped everything to get her 100 miles to view. I'm hoping when we can work out how to use it she will let us do some of the process for her, like getting tge money into.the right bank accounts. Here's hoping.

omg annan she's actually made a decision? that's bloody EPIC! well done and lots of celebratory emoticons. going to spend the rest of the afternoon in the garden well away from the phone...

Why is she frightened in the home, where she is safer than at her house?? That's bizarre. Sorry to go on about it but that does sound like withdrawal symptoms from the benzodiazepines?

I dunno... on the one hand she tells me all the staff love her; the staff do not say the same. Panic attacks I think. Part of the problem is that she is not ILL, just broken. So she wants to see a doctor, but the home dont think she needs to so she panics more. Pretty sure she is on less drugs than usual, but has been in some sort of care pretty much since June 7 so would have thought she'd weaned off by now? Oth, nurse today said she was on controlled drugs, so who would sort her meds when she gets home on Tues? wont be me, so it will have to be the enablement team, the other ladies she has cobbled togther, and if I can manage it, a live in carer. I dont even know her current meds status.

I bloody ROCK today! I have found a sleeper-in to start on Tuesday. Found her via local FB group, highly recommended by a lady who lives in America, and this lady looked after her mum for 5 years. Spoken to her, she's happy to start Tues and will do 7pm-7am. Day care is kind of cobbled together but there will be periods when she is on her own; still have full time live in options to explore on Tues.
Mum very relieved, and apologetic. Discovered they have been giving her morphine, which explains an awful lot - she never reacts well to it.

So we'll see what Tues brings, but it's a start at least.

Brilliant news Yolo! You do indeed Rock!