Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

[picklemepopcorn]

Carrying on from previous thread, IF I can work out how to link...

Come and offload your worries and frustration here, and share your experience and hard won wisdom with the rest of us!

It sounds as though you need the time, though, whatever. Better to go and fall apart a bit if that is what you need, or ignore it all and have a good holiday. No matter how it turns out you will have given yourself a bit of space to deal with it.

Give yourself time. Six months at least. One day at a time.

No need to think. Just rest, eat well, and enjoy the company of your family. Yes it might all be there when you come back, but even more reason to take a break and relax. Things will work out, and there will come a point when you can remember the good times.

Fantastic post @needmoresleep.

It seems we will blunder on. DH has now discovered that MIL cannot manage her medication in blister packs, which are new to her, because she cannot read and understand the instructions, so it looks, finally, as if a care package is on the horizon. The realisation that without a care package he is going to have to drive across town twice a day in rush hour traffic and lose even more work time in the process, seems to have concentrated his mind.

I cannot believe how fast she is deteriorating. She was reading Trollope last October. Now she has no comprehension.

Now I'm really welling up. Thank you all so much 😊

whatever if you need to cry, you need to cry. and also to laugh, and chill and enjoy your own famil xx

time that sounds like a positive move, if DH is realising she needs more help than he can possibly give. maybe you can gently say to him that this is a bloody long game, and he needs to reserve his energy so that he can continue to support her? other people can do the day to day stuff, he can then do the son stuff. (found with my DM that as soon as I got a daily carer in to do the phsyical stuff I could do the social stuff, rather than going in for an hour and being run ragged I could actually sit down and chat for a bit).

I’m on a roll...

10. It is easier to take over paperwork early than have to clear chaos. Especially if she might be vulnerable to cold-callers/fraudsters. If she will agree, and even if you don’t have POA, get her to sign a mail redirect, and third party access to her account. Then all utilities on DD, and banking via an app. Send junk mail back as ‘unknown’. DM did have a habit of giving out bank details to cold callers, so she just has a small linked savings account which does allow her (helped by her carer and which I can top up in an emergency) to use cash points, but not overdrafts or DDs.

11. Take the POA document into banks/tax office/etc. They copy it on the spot so no need to get it certified or send off the original. Keep your mums passport up to date. No two banks have the same processes so make an appointment, bring in photoID and proof of address for you and your parent, and never expect to get it sorted in a single visit.

12. If I need to get my mother to agree to something, even something basic like getting up for an early GP appointment, I manage her mood. Perhaps arriving with a small gift (Bourbon biscuits go down well). When I needed her to make a financial decision in the early days of POA when I preferred to have her sign some cheques, I would first write out the ‘context’, essentially a list of her assets and income. Then take her somewhere nice and neutral. What did people do before garden centre cafes! She was a lot more realistic/generous once she had been reassured that she was not facing imminent impoverishment. (A fear I assume is a generational thing and not unique to her.)

13. My daughter has a pile of postcards and stamps so she can send her grandmother cards from University. These then go on the mantle piece reassuring her that she is not forgotten. Flowers, with the card still attached, also work. (Though she will still claim that ‘no one ever visits’)

Popping in to have a cry. Dad not settling in in the home. He punched one of the cadets the other day and went for another. I went in to see him yesterday and he was spookily calm with me but I hardly said anything to him - I just didn't know what to say. My brother went in this morning and he dad threw punches at my brother and then got a fork out of his pocket and went for my brothers eyes 😢. My brother was not hurt but they had 6 staff to take him to his room. They are calling the crisis team out but god knows what is going to happen now.

Carers not cadets!

Oh mini that sounds awful. No words of wisdom but I bet the staff have dealt with this before.sending 🌺🌺🍷🍷☕️☕️🍰🍰🍫🍫.

min all sympathies from me too. a good cry is prob what you need - and they will have seen it all before and know just what to do.

At least professionals have the responsibility now though!

Can we save needs brilliant list somehow?

not a DM issue (although they are still there big time I am getting them 2nd hand from DB) but a Ddog issue: he is in the vet hospital overnight, prob splenic cancer in which case, given his age/physical conditiion there is no other option but pts. DM has fallen way down my list of priorities this afternoon... she might not be happy or comfortable, but she is not dying.

I'm so so sorry yolo. Its not fair. and a hug.

Oh, yolo, I’m sorry about Ddog. Hope it goes as well as it can.

Ddog is home again; spleen is clear hurrah! on the downside: still in pain and drugged to the eyeballs; colon full of gas which meant they couldnt see part of the liver or the syomach itself so back on tues for another xray/scan. meanwhile, DB and SIL go home tomorrow so I will be back to being at DM's beck and call. From an immediate rally when they arrived she has gone down hill ever since - severe anxiety, not eating, feeeling sick, being given loads of drugs for all of them. sigh.

Oh yolo I'm so sorry to hear this. I can totally understand how you are feeling, my poor dog has seen me so through so much, they are such a part of the family and a huge contribution to my sanity. Just want to offer a very big hug xx

Please enjoy your time with Ddog. You cannot make your mum feel better, no matter what you do. You can make you and Ddog happy for whatever time you have together.

thank you all we may have to go back to vet later as his pain seems very bad, gums absolutely white, can barely walk. spoke to vet, given him a tramadol, got to wait another 15 mins or so and see what's happening. complicated by fact that DD1 is at work and will need picking up at some stage, but we dont know what time.

yolo can’t add to what whatever and pickle have said. Cherish dog who loves you.

Ddog was pts at 11.30pm tonight. It was the best thing for him, and girls and I were there with him. It was heart failure in the end. Vet and nurse were absolutely lovely. I feel totally numb, possibly also due the large amount of cointreau I have had tonight. Going to get DB to tell DM for me tomorrow because I cant deal with her tears.

Yolo sending such a huge hug. You have been so amazingly strong with everything that you are coping with. Although unbelievably hard this was the kindest thing to do. I'm so pleased you were supported and able to be there. Thinking of you xx

Ah, Yolo. I am sorry. Take the time you need to have a good cry. I wish things were different.

Oh yolo I am so very sorry. You did the kindest thing. There are no words but an enormous hug for you. 🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺

I’m sorry too, yolo.

Thank you. I havent cried, I knew it was his time and I think he knew too, bless him.

On the DM side, good news and bad news: I am picking up her discharge letter tomorrow which means I can get a 24 hour live in carer, hopefully for a couple of weeks to settle her and she could be home by Friday.

The bad news is that she has been put back on diazepam for anxiety and is totally out of her head - and dizzy. DB and SIL went home today, he was shocked by her appearance this morning and says she has gone right downhill over the week they have been here. Am going to be there for GP visit tomorrow, see what he says etc. So, do I bring her home in a frail state and hope her mental health improves? I think that's all I can do, but god forbid the carers say she is too frail coz then we'll be really fucked. (sorry, it's all about me again xx)