Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

[picklemepopcorn]

Carrying on from previous thread, IF I can work out how to link...

Come and offload your worries and frustration here, and share your experience and hard won wisdom with the rest of us!

What a coincidence that you should say that, whatever. I have just had an afternoon with my mother that has left me reflecting that, if it was anyone other than my mother, I would sever contact. I wouldn't put up with this level of nastiness from anyone I counted as a friend.

Pickle - my mother's GP was of no practical help because they can't force their help or services or someone who won't engage with them, but at least they'll now have a record of her needs (even if she doesn't want to do anything about them). I hope your mum's GP can help in some way.

Sorry, yolo, I overlooked your post. Once again I am puzzling over how and why some elderly women think it's acceptable to be so nasty towards their adult daughters and why they vent their negative feelings on us but not (in the families I know, anyway) on their sons. Keep repeating the mantra about defending boundaries.

Actually, that reminds me of something I was thinking of starting a thread about elsewhere. Recently, I met a couple for the first time. Probably in their sixties, one adult son and one adult daughter. Telling me about her children, the woman said unprompted "well, you do always love your son more, don't you?" I was at a loss to know how to respond, but do you think this is common?

Whatever, if I were you I'd talk to my sibs, see what they think. If they are happy with you going low/no contact then I'd do it without a second thought. Effectively that's what my sibs do, with me as the one who stays the course. That's ok with me because I know they try but she is impossible. You need a specific skill set to put up with it, which they don't have. Or perhaps I'm a doormat...

I've spoken to GP now, Monica. There isn't much they can do, but when she goes in for other conditions they will ask about her mental/emotional health.

Yolo, I find it best to make 'passing comments' in that situation-
oh yes, it looks lovely! Of course, I'll only be able to visit you every ten days or so- it's such a long drive.
Such a shame you're not so keen on this one, still regular visits from me are nothing like as important as being in a nice place to start with.

I'm not allowed opinions, but I find I can agree with her while still making her aware of any downsides...

Yolo might be best not to visit too much at first? Give her time to settle and begin to accept the situation a little? I was advised to do this with my Dad.

More, how do you keep going when you are treated so badly? What motivates you? I don't feel I have any resolve worth admiring I feel selfish and ungrateful but I just can't let this damage me and ultimately affect my children. DM has already tried to phone and text me tonight.

Whatever happens I hope my family and friends know how much I appreciate all that I've got in my life. Never let me get bitter and resentful like she is.

I'm sorry, I am so crap at keeping up with who has posted what... but I am so lucky that DB and I are on exactly the same page, it must be so hard for those of you who are having to cope with extra pressure from sibs/other family members. I will see her on Weds - DDs have told me I must be 'nice' but I find it so hard when she's a bit of wet lettuce!! Won't see her Thurs, so hope she might have settled by then. wine, gin, flowers, coffee, cake, to all of us going through this.

Have just sat down & read everyone's updates - just checking in to send hugs (is that allowed?!), cake, flowers, chocolates, beer... anything to get us through!
Haven't got the headspace to post anything more useful or helpful, but hopefully tomorrow! x

oaktree hugs etc are def allowed! people on this thread are just bloody lovely. wont be back now til Thurs as my phone so crap (and also will be getting pissed with my bestie tomorrow night after a meeting for our charity) so I wish everyone a good day tomorrow x

Sending tea, gin, hugs and anything vaguely comforting to everyone. Wishing you strength for tomorrow 💪🏻. We got this, yes? 🙂

Yeah, we got this.

As for what motivates me (and please call me Monica, as it's my alter ego name) I guess its a sense of duty and not wanting to be the sort of person who walks away from her elderly mother. But even that creates ambivalence, because (as I said earlier) I would walk away from anyone else who behaved towards me as she does.

Oops. That doesn't read well. It was meant as an invitation, not an order!

I think that's a good point Monica, about us putting up with so much because we have a sense of duty, but which in turn creates ambivalence.

I'm taking my mother back for a hospital check up today following her proceedure last week, a two hour journey each way. Last week she was raging on the train about commuters using the journey to look at their phones. Think she expected people to look kindly at her and agree, but being London luckily everyone just ignored her!

Oh my, Nota! I wouldn't have known whether to laugh or cry!

I can relate to your friend @thesandwich. I know I have said this many times before. Mother and Step-father died within 6 months of each other 2 years ago. I felt like I had been let out of prison. Even after their death, when the house phone rang, I would get a sick feeling In my stomach.

Any way, to prove there is life after all this, I now have a dog. I have waited 70 years for her. Children, Work, Grandchildren, then 10 years of elderly care meant there just was not time to devote to a dog. I love her to bits. Sending love to you all that are still going through this.

Sadly, when we lose the last of our parents, we'll inherit my brother in law, I think! He's never lived alone, has no idea about money, budgeting, saving, pension etc. He doesn't know how much his phone costs...

Just popping in briefly to wave hello at everyone.

My father is currently in a mental health hospital after voluntary admission. He's being very jovial and calm to everyone (which makes me want to scream as he's a fucking nightmare to me and out of hospital).

He refused to acknowledge me when I went to visit him on Sunday with my brother. He introduced us as 'this is Xxxx, my son, and this is Minmooch'. Said with spite and bitterness. He knew what he was doing.

whatever after next weeks CPA meeting I am going to go non contact. If they let him out I don't feel able to live in my own house as I fear he will 'come and get me'.

I hate him. There we go, I said it. At 51 years of age I am saying it out loud. I hate him. He was not a nice father to me, bullied me and my mum, hateful to me during the last three years that I looked after him after my Mum died. After assaulting me last week. It was the spiteful dismissal in hospital that was the straw.

I've looked after him out of FOG Fear Obligation Guilt. NO MORE.

I am just getting my life back with some happiness after my son died. My father is not going to bring me down.

And breath .......

Say it out loud again, as often as you want. Well done fo4 working through the FOG.

You've had an unbelievably pants time. From here on in make it all about you! Be kind to yourself!

Well done Minmooch

Good on you mini!

Well done Minmooch! Thanks for your post.
I never thought about FOG it sums it up completely. Really given me food for thought.

I have recently found that plucking up the courage to tell people that actually my mother and I are not very close has been quite a release. Actually no we don't all have lovely warm relationships with our parents. No I don't really know how she is because we are not in touch that often.. etc

On a brighter note as a strange development I had a text from my brother today. ( not sure how much I've said in previous posts.. he lives with DM and has lots of his own health and other issues and is my exact opposite). The dramas over the last few weeks have meant we have had to communicate a little and so I guess it's broken the ice a bit. This morning he simply text to say 'HRH is Home and don't I know it!' .

That's good whatever! Maybe with the change of dynamic, he'll be more reasonable too.

The relationship threads often discuss FOG. It seems to me that FOG goes a long way towards explaining why some of us put up with what would otherwise be unacceptable behaviour from elderly parents - you can't [easily] dump a parent in the way that you'd dump a horrible boyfriend.

good for you mini. and that sounds as if your brother might be coming round to things whatever.

I had a great night away - really good meeting then we got pissed, drove home (100 mles), took DD1 to work, did sainsbos, took DD2 to work, came home and just went really really flat. Needed a rest I think. Phoned DM at 4.45 - oh are you coming now? no mum, told you yesterday I couldnt get there today. did you have any physio? no (I think that unlikely). then she went off on on about hearing aid batteries running out - despite head nurse going to buy her some in the morning. yet despite the fact she could only hear about 3 words in 10 on the phone she can still hear someone breathing in the next room? is my salvation. I will be there tomorrow attempting to be friendly and kind.

Glad you had some time off Yolo, don't feel guilty ( who am I to talk !?!!!). Good luck with the super smiley visit today

Yolo , I find there are frequently times in conversations with my mum when I just have to focus on breathing in & out, which does help with keeping my distance from all the batshit nonsense!
It stops me from pulling her up on the constantly negative & judgemental comments, which wouldn't help anyone, even though it feels like I'm letting her get away with it.
I can't remember who said upthread about dealing with this stuff in a way that enables you to be the person you want to be rather than reacting to their behaviour (I've explained that really badly!).
They were wise words that have really helped.

Wishing everyone a drama free day!

Hi all- so glad you had a fun time yolo! And use that memory of who you are to slap that Teflon on the shoulders before entering the house of parent. Nod and smile.
Under I think it was @needmoresleep who said that and I find it v useful too.
Thinking of you all.