Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

[picklemepopcorn]

Carrying on from previous thread, IF I can work out how to link...

Come and offload your worries and frustration here, and share your experience and hard won wisdom with the rest of us!

Anyone around? To what extent do you indulge narcissistic elderly parents who are grieving? Mum is being very unreasonable about something, and wants whole hearted support from me which I don't want to give. She wants me to side with her over a situation, and won't let me just sympathise without agreeing with her (my usual strategy). She feels hurt and victimised, and doesn't want to see it any other way.
Sorry, that's clear as mud.
She DB, SiL and tots were out for the day. DM went off holding hands with tot 1 while her parents were distracted by tot 2. DB and SiL panicked, hunted high and low, and when they found her told DM off for taking her away.

Now DM is hurt, won't go and stay with them, thinks tot will be traumatised and never trust her granny again, thinks they don't trust her, generally rants whenever she thinks about it.

DB and SiL don't think it was a big deal and are ready to carry on as usual. Mum is angry and upset that she was 'told off', and doesn't think she can face seeing them again.

If I don't back her up, she goes through it all again and gets upset. I want to tell her she's being unreasonable. AIBU?!?

Sorry. Need to ring her shortly and don't know how to handle it!

How did you get on, pickle? The sympathy-whilst-not-agreeing trick is usually effective, isn't it, but it sounds like you're being pushed into a corner.
Can you try being (kindly) business like & saying
"Oh well, that's all sorted now, isn't it? No need to worry! Why don't we arrange to all meet up for a coffee?"
which might not give your mum any wriggle room to start discussing it all over again.
I do sympathise though - makes you want to move to the Outer Hebrides sometimes, doesn't it!

Thanks under! She was on her way out, so just a brief chat until later.

Sad thing is, she's going to lose out. If she carries on thinking and behaving this way, she won't be able to see them at all. She's alienating everyone, then she'll complain about how she has no support from anywhere. Sigh. I wonder if she'll ever recognise the common denominator in all these dramas?

Hi pickle- that’s tough, but I think you have the right strategy and oak is spot on. Let her vent a bit, then try and distract/ deflect And create a trip she really won’t want to miss.... good luck.
Hope everyone else is doing ok.

Pickle, to be honest, I doubt she will ever realise re the common denominator - I think that's really just par for the course.

I do think though that you need to ensure that you are happy in your mind that you've given her a fair chance which is how I try to approach my mum's relationship with my dcs.

I know she loves them in her own way but shows little interest in them or what they think, so whilst I try to minimise opportunities for her to openly be negative with them (I've never really asked her to look after them, they've never stayed over etc) but I will send them over with shopping or flowers or stuff she's asked me to print out, so she could ask them to come in - she never does though! But at least she could & I feel that I'm giving her the option.

It is sad & frustrating when they create dramas & negativity where none is needed, but just for your peace of mind, I think it's important to try to keep the door open a little bit.

I've no idea if that all makes sense - just ignore if it doesn't!!!

It totally does! I'm proud to claim that my DCs completely understand the score with her. They are warm and respectful, and know she will never be able to do more than go through the motions of a relationship. They give her what she needs from them, while not expecting anything back. In return, she thinks they are lovely. Birthday and Christmas presents have varied between something almost but not quite suitable, to old man's slippers in the wrong size, or an electric toothbrush. All of which are received with a smile, a hug and a 'thank you grandma'. Bless them.

Is this a brutalised generation? Why are there so many emotionally unavailable parents?

I remember talking to a counsellor once when dd1 was small & I was fretting about the lack of grandmotherly warmth (amongst other things!).

She said that although it was understandable to try to protect dd1 from what I'd experienced as a child, it was important to allow space for their own relationship to develop. If it wasn't the soft focus granddaughter/grandma picture perfect image, then so be it.

So this is what I've tried to do & whilst I feel so sad that she hasn't chosen to build a genuine relationship with her dgc (which could have helped alleviate her boredom & loneliness a bit) at least they are kind to her when they do see her without expecting anything in return.

I was a bit when she commented on how ds was "really coming out of that irritating little boy phase" though!!!!

Sounds like you're doing a grand job, & I hope your mum gets past her awkwardness with your db.

DM will not leave hospital til at least Mon - and then will go to a specialist care home about 45 mins away for lots of physio, OT, rehab for up to 6 weeks. She not very happy but does realise that she would be unsafe at home on her own currently. The NHS is bloody MARVELLOUS at times of crisis.

I'm new here ... anyone mind if I post?

My mum (aged 79) had cancer of the womb in 2015. Shortly afterwards my dad died suddenly.

Today my mum told me she's had rectal bleeding a couple of times. I live three hours drive away and as a single parent with a daughter at school I can't just up and go to visit my mum.

She's been to the doctor and been referred to the hospital for further tests and has an appointment in two weeks.

I'm extremely worried.

Sorry, just needed to talk... there's no one I can talk to... my children will just worry. Everything's been difficult recently and now this. I'm hoping it's nothing but know there is a chance it's the cancer coming back.

Yolo that's great! Just what she needs. And it will give you some space as well, to take stock!

Meagain, I'm sorry to hear that. It is so difficult when distance and responsibilities leave you wishing you could be in two places at once!

Just checking in. It's not been a good few weeks. DS(17) is not doing well, and I'm not doing well at work. I've spent a lot of time crying recently - mostly at inopportune moments. I'm stretched too thin and the plates that I thought were spinning, aren't. took a day's holiday this week to take DM to a hospital appointment, at which they told me to make the follow up appointment for next week. It's 2 hours away, so asked if it could be done more locally to her. Nope. So that's another day's leave I will have to take - for her. And she does nothing but moan to me, saying she doesn't need me, that she could go on her own, etc. Probably because I have a face like a smacked arse most of the time! I struggle to be gracious when I resent the effort I have to maintain with her - which means not putting the required effort in with DS, work, let alone myself.

I worry that I will die first from the stress of it all.

Hello everyone and welcome to recent joiners.

I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time, yolofish, but hope you can enjoy your visit with DB and SIL. Picklemepopcorn - there’s so much in your recent posts that I recognise. My mother has created a parallel universe in which she is the blameless victim of circumstances and other people’s unreasonableness - no recognition at all that she has created many of these difficult situations and is alienating people. Often, I let her get on with it but when (in my judgement) it really matters, I do gently point out that things really aren’t as she says. She’s DC’s only remaining grandparent so I want them to have a relationship, but it’s never going to be that soft focus granny - GC story book relationship either.

On we all plod. for breakfast

Yolo that sounds good. I've found the 6 weeks DM has been in rehab to have been a great relief. At last other agencies are seeing what she is like from day to day and now they are overseeing the care package she will need. DM on the other hand is being rude and difficult with them. She text me describing it as a prison! I pointed out how fortunate she is to be somewhere so lovely!

Notaflyingmonkey you comment about smacked arse face and ungraciousness made me chuckle. I can't help it I turn into a stroppy teenager whenever I'm anywhere near the woman! I think we can all identify with the feelings of drowning in our responsibilities. We can only do what we can do. My children and my sanity have to come first.

I meant to respond earlier to the question of whether this might be a generational thing. It's something I often ponder and I think it might. My mother grew up in an era of Victorian values. Her father was (by all accounts) a stern paterfamilias type and very controlling. She was scared of him but adored her mother, who seems to have been warm and nurturing, so it's long puzzled me why she adopted her father's outlook and not her mother's. Living through the war might also have been an influence.

More

I think there is a generational thing ongoing... my DP were actually quite warm and loving but they still sent DB to boarding school at 8 and me at 10. It was the 'done thing' plus dad was in the navy so moving all the time. DH also boarded, and the one thing we both said was that we would never send ours away.

So when you are expected to care for someone, for whom that was the norm, it's quite hard. And I find that you can never question the decision they (well DM, Dad been dead since before my oldest was born) because "that's what people like us do".

had such a lovely day today, DM locked up safe in hospital. June 5 was our silver wedding and also DD2's 2nd anniv with her lovely boyf. so we had a very posh lunch out followed by a walk round the newly gentrified bit of our seaside, and then came home and just... didnt stress.

What a lovely day, Yolo!

My Dad's dad fought in WW1, Dad was regularly strapped for misbehaviour. His mum was in service. They were all good people, but not affectionate. Humour, but buttoned up emotions. Mum's Dad was aggressive and controlling. My parents were born in 1939, very concerned about appearances, and aspirational. They sent my brother and sister (7 years older) to boarding school, I stayed home. It's always been all about Mum.

pickle and others, when you read stuff like that its like a recipe for family dysfunctionality really... my brother could write a book about his relationship with our parents, he had much the worst time. Luckily though the two of us get on really well, maybe because we both rejected virtually all the family 'traditions' in all sorts of ways.

DM being moved to care home today for up to 6 weeks. A couple of friends have told me really good things about it - clean, lovely people etc. She seems resigned; DD1 told her yesterday that the aim was to get her to be better than before her last fall, which was cunning and well-received! Not going to see her today as hospital says transfer could take about 4 hours and the place is a 40min drive from home and I'm sure she'll be knackered by the whole transfer process. Dont think I'll be able to do daily visits, am also still looking after her poor lonely cat as I cant get him into the cattery til 25th!

Glad it all seems to be a bit sorted for now, yolo.
We have actually found it quite difficult to visit my dad at his care home, as he's so busy! I had thought I'd be popping in several times a week but it's once a week at most!

I do just hope that having been through all the dysfunctional stuff as children (& adults!), we won't end up putting our kids through the same...

That’s the thing about parenting, isn’t it? One vows not to make the mistakes one’s parents did, but possibly (although I fervently hope not) makes fresh mistakes of one’s own!

Well, I've bitten the bullet and rung Mum's GP. She's going to ring back. I hope that doesn't turn round and bite me on the bum!

Having fallen out with my sibs, Mum seems determined to fall out with me. Passive aggressive accusations, apparently I've been persuaded by my brother's explanation and am siding with him... Er, no! Just not convinced that he and his wife hate you and are conspiring against you...

Anyone ever found it's got to a point where you need to consider having no further contact with one or other parent? Visited DM last night as she is due to return home from rehab today. I tried to explain why I needed to prioritise seeing my Dad as he has absolutely no one else ( while she has my brother and a multitude of friends and paid carers who visit her).She launched into a very bitter recount of all the trials she has endured during their marriage and how she and I never understand each other.
This then continued with two more long text messages last night. I didn't retaliate just said I hoped her move home would be the start of a happier chapter for her.
I just cannot do this. I will not let her get to me or let this unsettle my mental health. I have to protect my family and my ability to be on form in my job etc.

whatever I admire your response, that's all you can do.

DM very unhappy, despite single room with TV and beautiful room of gardens. Most of the staff are Nepalese or forrin (that's bad), food is disgusting (that I agree with) and 'no one knows who I am'. That's because she got there about 5pm yesterday and doctors rounds werent til 2pm. Ortho consultant also came out; he is concerned she may need an op. Pain meds increased, now we wait to see. She is threatening to discharge herself; told head nurse that if she did I would not be responsible and she said 'good'(!). Or she wants to go private: nearest private with physio is 50 miles away; this one is 20m/40mns drive away. I shall point out tht she wouldnt get a visit more than once a week. Dreading tomoz, am going in on my own on the way to a work meeting and I know she will be absolutely vile. I appreciate she's frightened, but currently she is going to have to suck it up and get on with it.

Yolo so good to hear about your lovely day. You deserve that and more!
Pickle you must be so exasperated and still grieving too.
More- home you are doing ok.
Whatever- hang on to that resolve. Defend your boundaries. And do everything to protect yourself and your mental health.
I met a friend I hadn’t really spoken to for 18 months. Her dm had died last summer after many years of illness and dementia plus all the stuff we are all dealing with. She looked ten years younger. We must protect our health to be of use to anyone else.

Just saw your update yolo. That’s so tough. Was the same when dm was in a lovely respite home after a fracture. Gird your loins for tomorrow and look after yourself.