Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

[picklemepopcorn]

Carrying on from previous thread, IF I can work out how to link...

Come and offload your worries and frustration here, and share your experience and hard won wisdom with the rest of us!

Thank you, you and pickle and all the others helped me so much.

Thankyou for your lovely words, grumple & sandwich. I’m sitting in m&s having a coffee & a cheese scone on the strength of your wise words! But feeling a bit guilty for not inviting my mum to come shopping. I nodded toget concentrate on getting birthday presents for DS & when she comes along, it always ends up about what she needs to buy! Maybe I should do separate trips? Why do we put ourselves through the guilt? (My coffee & scone are delicious though! )

🌺🌺grumple.
Oak...... been there too! SOOO Glad you are enjoying your coffee and scone!!! I realised a while back that trying to combine dual shopping missions with dm always ended in frustration and niggles. Now I do separate trips and consider the coffee/ cake as essential self maintenance and time to clear the head. And then I can devote my dm trips to her😉😉.

Great strategies! That's what we need, not more guilt but more strategies!

I'm a big believer in very rational boundaries. I work out what I can manage and how I want to spend my time. I then manoeuvre everything in to fit. If I choose to do more (give in to emotional blackmail) that is my choice and my problem. That really helps me deal with my rage towards an unappreciative demanding mother, and the somewhat inadequate support offered by other family members.

That doesn't mean I can do everything I want- housework has slipped (into a bottomless pit), as has social life. I do feel a bit more in control though.

Pickle, you mentioned rage - I really need to learn to do something with mine! I find I just keep rehashing all the crap behaviour from the past from my mum in my head - there's a never ending supply - which just attaches on to whatever batshit stuff she throws at me on a daily basis & I end up trying to block it out with food, & then I feel even worse!
Mindfulness does help but I'm very good at finding every excuse under the sun why I don't deserve to sit for even 10 minutes!

There's a lot of suppressed rage on this thread!

I find I feel less rage when I know I am making my own choices. If I feel obliged to do more than I am able, then the rage hits. If I'm doing what I have decided to do- less rage.

Also, the crap from the past can be put to one side. I find it helps to think 'this isn't about me, and her, and how she was. It's about me and who I am and want to be'. That way the fact she doesn't deserve as much support as I give her, or that she didn't support me when I needed it, or that she really doesn't realise the cost of supporting her now, stops mattering.

It's not about her, it's about you. I don't know if that works for everyone, but it does for me!

Well, it helps. Most of the time!

Just found this thread. My mum is in this situation. 60s, widowed for over 20 years, mother in her 90s also widowed. Only child. I'm her only DC and I have a 1 year old DS whom she doesn't get to spend much time with as DGM 'needs' her every day. She gets depressed and angry about it and feels guilty she can't help me out more (which I don't expect). Feels like her life hasn't been her own for years as cared for DGF too before he died. I get angry on her behalf. If my dad was still here, things would be different for her. I feel upset, for her, when I see my friends' similar aged parents going on holiday or doing things together without, seemingly, a care in the world. Good to know she's not alone xx

Will definitely try that approach, pickle. I know exactly what you mean about the imbalance of support!
Ginger, would your mum come onto this thread for some support? I've found it really helpful already, & I've only been here since yesterday!!!

Under, no she's not very tech savvy! But I suppose I might get some advice here to pass onto her.

Sorry to bombard with posts...
I've just had a phone call with Mum about Dad, who is in the middle of a delusional episode. She's understandably finding this all very difficult, although often because she perceives that he's irritated with her, or he's being too demanding, she hates it when he falls asleep when she's visiting, you get the gist... Empathy & calm understanding are not her forte!
Anyway, I spent half an hour talking to her, & it was all ok, except I think she needs more emotional support than I am able (or willing, to be honest) to give her, & this makes me feel so bad.
She was unavailable & unsupportive for me as a teenager so I sort of got on with it & have been doing so ever since. I need nothing from her at all, but I'm happy to give my time & practical support because she's my mum. Superficial emotional support I can do too, but real proper "let's get through this together" stuff... totally beyond me.
I'm rambling now so I'll stop! Hope everyone's ok this evening!

Grumple, thank you for that post. It’s really helped me this evening. I’m just waiting for the grumbling from FIL about the shopping I’ve fetched for him and MIL. He’s checking it now and .....”it’s not right and why did it cost so much ....”. Even though the receipt is there and it’s what he asked for as far as I can work out from his sketchy note. This is so hard. You spend many years thinking when the children grow up I’ll be free to do this, that and the other. Sadly no.

I think the ingratitude is so soul destroying, If just once they had been kind to me or thanked me I would have borne it all much better. When our house phone used to ring I would literally feel sick. I knew it would be my mums’s husband starting every conversation “ I need you to do.......”never a please or thank you. He married my mum after I was married with kids of my own, so I had no obligation to him. I often wondered why I carried on so long, but I think the guilt of not helping outweighs all else.

My lovely dad died when he was 50. I would have done anything fo him. I was a whipping boy for my mother for 70 years and never had the courage to face up to her. My mother and her husband died within 6months of each other, 2 years ago. I felt like I had been let out of prison.

For years and years she had gone on and on about how I would be rich when she was gone. She kept an eye on how much her house was worth, how much she had in savings and got great pleasure In insinuating that that was why I visited..

Once probate was over I divided my share between my three children. My very wealthy brother told me what he was spending his money on and asked me what I was going to do with my share. He said, I was mad, but the truth was, it woukd have choked me to spend one penny of her money.

Sorry, that was so long, it posting on here is so cathartic.

Ah, grumple. That sounds so familiar! I suppose people who are looking after their lovely obliging parents spend less time on here!

My Dad was lovely, too. I would have lived my life around him, no trouble- but of course he wouldn't have wanted me to.

Can't believe how many of the posts on here ring true for me too. Thank you for the wise words and just making me feel less alone in all this. Not sure I've got much wisdom to give in return but maybe the odd handhold

My dad has voluntarily agreed to go to a mental health hospital. We have been advised that although it is voluntary if he tries to leave they will officially section him.

Anyone have experience of this?

Is getting them to agree voluntarily to go is that a way to get them there with less fuss? Or is there a financial reason - voluntary - he self funds; sectioned - nhs have to fund his care.

Is he likely to come out?

Head in a whirl but I'm relieved - for his own safety and mine from him.

Very sad situation all round though.

Sorry, I don't know.

However, there must be some relief that others are taking the lead now.
Are you managing to enjoy your holiday?

No no minmooch, it's a legal difference - voluntary admission is admission like to any other hospital, it's funded by the NHS. Admission under a section of the Mental Health Act means there are specific legal restrictions on him and on what the team can do, with timescales for all of it. I will go and find a helpful website or something. It's really good news that he has voluntarily said he needs help but it's also good that they recognise that he would not be well enough to be discharged.

Bad day. DM picked up newspaper from door mat, turned ok, then had wobble. hit head on radiator, also shoulder, arm and elbow. Ambulance etc. turns out she has broken her shoulder in an unusual way, mashed her upper arm and they couldnt xray elbow due to pain. She now in hospital awaiting orthopods view on shoulder - could be major op or could be using traction to sort arm. She wanted to come home but said I was not prepared to accept responsibility - luckily they agreed with me. No idea what happens next, but incredibly proud of DD2 who rode in the ambulance with her (I had to take DD1 to work) and stayed with me and her all day. So much easier with someone else there. We both agreed at 5.30 we couldnt cope a min longer and came home. About to phone and find out how she is. Basically I think this is the beginning, or maybe the middle, of the end of her indepence. Meanwhile, DB's wife has cancer and cant have more chemo because blood counts not high enough. Fuckity fuck.

Hope the news from your mum is ok, yolo. At least they kept her in, so you can catch your breath a bit.
Not sure what to say about your SIL - that must be tough news for you all to deal with.
I hope you can find a bit of whatever you need to have a peaceful evening - your dds sound great!

thank you oak they are both fab. going to sit down with DD1 now to watch a bit of Designated Survivor! phoned hospital, ortho bloke seen her but no decision until tomorrow when they have done lying/sitting/standing blood pressure. Selfishly, I hope they keep her in til after w/e - we have big plans, but think our planned trip to see DB and SIL may be out of the window which is a big fuck up

Yolo I am so sorry to hear about your dm. These things happen so easily. 🍷🍫 for you and your dds.

Yolo sorry to hear all this. This whole thing seems to be quite a roller coaster for us all. Hope your plans are still able to go ahead.

I think if you make it clear that there will be no one available to look after her this weekend, they won't discharge her.

Hopefully, you'll be able to have some time with DB and SiL

thanks all, feeling very down tonight. I will def say no one able to take care of her over w/e, and tbh cant see them saying she is safe for discharge for a few days at least. They mentioned some kind of halfway house for rehab and she even considered it, which is unheard of. If she comes home she will have to pay for extra care at least twice a day, and will need personal care for first time ever. Bah. DB is wonderful, but has his hands full with DSIL. would love to be able to go and see them as planned, but she not well, DM not well - looking tricky.