DM (81)'s house uninhabitable and she's in denial - HELP!!!

[TheMadGardener]

Cross-posting between here and 30 days as I’m hoping to get more help.

Lots of background here, please bear with me as this will be VERY VERY LONG…My mother has always been “difficult” and with a massive tendency to deny or ignore anything awkward/unpleasant in the hope that if she does nothing, someone else will sort it out. Probably why, when her marriage broke down, she took herself home to live with my DGPs and dumped me and my DSis on them – DGPs did all the hard work of parenting, DM just lived in the same house but did her own thing. No matter how elderly DGPs got, they were always responsible for household bills and maintenance, DM not interested in responsibility.

Time went by. DGPs died 20 years ago and DM just went on living in their house. Technically the ownership of the house is still in dispute (they died intestate, DM has one brother she hasn’t spoken to in 40 years, he sent a few legal letters about house, DM ignored letters, he let things go as he is well off, she just went on living there.) House became dilapidated and now is getting to be a ruin. No central heating, for example, only electric heaters. DM only has pension but never did anything pro-active about getting help with house. Discouraged DSis and I from visiting. Only comes to see us if really pushed into it. Makes excuses why no one should visit her. Never phones us, we always have to phone her if we want contact. DM is now 81. Still drives (badly) but this is essential as ruinous house is in remote village with no shop.

DSis lives about 20 mins from her. DSis is single, lives in a tiny one-bedroomed flat, works in a high-pressure but not very well paid job in the NHS and is also studying for a degree in her spare time. DSis has done an awful lot for DM over the years, taking her out, doing shopping for her, helping her in lots of ways. Is allowed to pick DM up and drop her off from house but not go in.

I used to live 6/7 hours away from DM but now have moved only 90 minutes away. I am married with two DDs at secondary school and DH is undergoing treatment for Stage 4 bowel cancer which is incurable. Since we moved nearer I have also made efforts to see DM more and take her for days out but have not been allowed in house. She came to us for Christmas and I tried to get her to stay longer with us because I knew her house must be freezing in winter (I grew up there, so I know!) but she insisted on going home after 1 day. We constantly worried about the state of her house but she refused to engage in any discussion about moving house or the future.

Last week DM had a fall – Dsis had rung earlier to check that she had food, etc during the snowstorm and told her not to risk going out, but she typically decided to go out for a walk, fell and broke her ankle. DSis had to drive through a snowstorm to get her to A and E. Since then DM has been sleeping on sofa bed in DSis’s tiny flat insisting she wanted to get home although unable to do stairs and we know her house is freezing.

Today DM’s neighbour rang to say she could hear water gushing noises in the house. DSis went over and found a frozen pipe had burst and the whole of downstairs was at least an inch deep in water. Also on looking round found that the ceilings have collapsed in two of the upstairs rooms and there are big holes in the roof at the back so wet upstairs too. A window at the back of the house has fallen out and DM has put a sheet of plastic over it. DM now admits that the window and the ceilings happened ages ago but she didn’t mention it because she was “coping fine”. Of course she has no buildings or contents insurance!

DSis got a plumber friend to come round and turn the water off (no one could find the ancient stop cock) and rang me in tears saying she just couldn’t cope. DM is still insisting she will be able to go back and live there when her ankle is better. The house is completely uninhabitable and she has no money to fix it.Neither DSis or I have thousands spare to fix it. We both feel like everyone will think we are shit daughters for letting things get like this, but honestly she totally denies there is a problem and refuses to discuss any possible solutions. This is the first time anyone has been allowed in her house for years!

I am going to get her tomorrow to stay with me as DSis is at the end of her tether – DM has been very difficult during the week she has been staying with her. I have room in my house but lots of steep stairs and no bath/shower downstairs although I can temporarily fix her up a camp bed downstairs and there is a downstairs toilet. DH has just had a bit of a cancer relapse so this couldn’t have happened at a worse time.

Of course it is Saturday evening and no agencies are open till Monday now. I was thinking of ringing our local branch of Age UK for advice, and the council adult social care and housing lines. I don’t know how these things work, but who do I need to talk to? Ideally we want to find her somewhere to live. She can’t live in that house, it would be condemned. If we can agree with her NC brother to sell it, it will only be sold as a derelict fixer-upper (although it is in a prime tourist Second Homes area). She has other health problems as well as the broken ankle (some incontinence which she denies, a heart problem which she denies). She can’t drive at the moment. She can’t live permanently with either me or DSis as our homes are not suitable. She has no savings to pay for care. The worst thing is that she refuses to admit that there are any problems. What we need is someone (not me or DSis) who will just TELL her that she has to move somewhere else, accept health care. Apart from the total denial syndrome, she presents as having capacity. What do we do???? Help!!!

You have given me hope OP. My mum lives in similar conditions, I have tried to get help for her via Social Services but she won't engage. Her hearing is so bad she can't use a phone but won't consder hearing aids. She refuses my help, though I am not a high earner and work dreadful shifts so my help is not what I wish I could do. I rent a small flat so cannot even offer her a home. The guilt and worry is relentless. This is the lady who gave me life, I wish for her to live in a clean, loving and safe home.

@AwfulSomething , I'm sorry to hear about your mum. I think sometimes people are very reluctant to change until forced to. My DM would still be living in the house of horrors if it wasn't for the burst pipe last March which led to the water and electricity being cut off, which made it impossible for her to remain there and forced her to engage with social services. Maybe you need to do a bit of sabotage to your mum''s utilities! I hope things improve for

More good news - I got a phone call this morning offering me the job I interviewed for last week! Very pleased about that. Also DH's appointment with the oncology consultant yesterday was OK. I was convinced they were going to say the cancer had spread some more, but apparently it is stable, no shrinkage but no growth, so the consultant is fairly pleased and wants to give DH a two month treatment holiday.

Hooray hooray - congratulations on the new job and positive news from the oncologist. Hope 2019 continues in a similar vein.

Oh, how excellent! Fingers crossed for DH, and I hope the new job works out.

I'm so glad some things are beginning to resolve - it will be a great weight off your mind once it is all sorted out. Then you can just concentrate on your new job and your DH. Well done!

Followed your wonderful post with great anticipation, so glad it turned out so well for you!

Fingers crossed ur DH is ok and I hope ur Aunt sees past ur DMs behaviour and gives you and ur DSis a chance!

Sending u much love!

Great news

Great to hear good news after all you have been through.

Hi, just a quick update for the lovely people who have offered support through this whole saga.

The legal business of settling my DGPs estate completed this week finally. I have already received my cheque for my expenses as administrator/executor. DM and aunt have both seen the estate accounts and agreed their shares are fair, and will be receiving their cheques any minute. So all we need to do then is make sure DM puts her money somewhere sensible and does not try to defraud the benefits office... I haven't seen the House of Horrors lately but I'm told the renovations by the rich buyer are well underway. Looking forward to seeing it when it is all done and is no longer a blight on the village!

Unfortunately something awful happened 10 days ago. DH's only brother died very suddenly and unexpectedly (heart attack, no previous heart trouble). Everyone is still stunned. I think going to the nursing home and telling lovely DMIL (nearly 90, very frail, mild dementia) that her son had died was one of the most awful things I have ever had to do. She is so distressed and confused, although the nursing home staff are taking lots of care of her. She keeps insisting that she wants to go to where DBIL lived (abroad, long-haul) to be with poor DSIL, and we keep have to explain that physically she just wouldn't be able to make the journey. She still does not know that DH has been having cancer treatment for the last two years as he has concealed this from her. If/when we lose him, I just can't imagine how I could ever tell her she had lost both her boys.

DH is still on a chemo break but is quite frail, sleeping most of the day, no energy, no appetite. Due for another scan soon. He didn't see his brother often but obviously it's been a terrible shock and hasn't helped his condition.

I have the worst world's cold/chest infection, probably all the stress is one reason why I've been hit so hard with that. Trying very hard not to give it to DH or DDs or DMIL.

Isn't it time that something lovely happened in our family, instead of all this crap?

Oh god you've had so much crap to deal with. Yes you do deserve better. You really do.

Oh what a sad update you do deserve sone good stuff!!!

Sorry to read your update. You’ve been so positive and strong throughout. Here’s hoping the chest infection is contained and on its way. It just sounds like it has flattened you after a particularly rough period and understandably it’s taking a huge effort to bounce back. Don’t know what to say other than sending you all good wishes and spring sunshine wherever you live.

Delurking just to offer my condolences and hope that the world has turned enough to offer you some good news.

Hi to anyone who followed this thread and is still around. I just realised I hadn't posted since March when DH's brother died.

I'm sorry to say that DH died in mid-May. In early April we had our last oncology appointment when they said there was nothing more they could do and handed us over to the home hospice team (who were amazing). DH asked them then how long he had got, and they said, "you should think in terms of weeks, not months". In actual fact it turned out he had five weeks left. We were lucky that he only had extreme weakness and never really any serious pain. We had hospice carers in the house for the last couple of weeks and a hospital bed and loads of equipment, so there was a lot of support. And by the end he was just really tired of being helpless and not able to do anything, but could still just about talk. And he was able to die peacefully at home with me and the DDs (and the cat) sitting on the bed holding his hands, which is what he wanted.

Afterwards lots of lovely people rallied round and we had lots of support and cards and messages, and DDs friends and their parents were also great. We had the funeral and then I spent weeks working through all that death paperwork, even though DH had done as much as he could to sort out affairs and put stuff in my name before he died. So that's pretty much all done now, except probate.

The school where I work have been great, and it has been good to keep busy, but I'm now on school summer holidays, so will have some breathing space to start sorting out more stuff. (I haven't touched any of DH's clothes or books or anything yet). My DDs and I are going away for a few days next week to a place where we can vegetate and swim and eat and sleep and do as little as possible.

My sister-in-law, the widow of DH's brother, has been over (they lived abroad), and we scattered some of their ashes in a beautiful place near here. But it was quite stressful having her here in a way (she brought her sister and some friends for support). My lovely MIL has lost both of her sons within a few months but one consolation is that her dementia means she doesn't really feel it the way she otherwise would have done.

My "D"M is still being bloody awkward and unsupportive. She got her money from my grandparents' estate which I settled for her when the derelict house was sold. She has now fallen out with my DSis who has always done so much for her. DSis is off work with anxiety now, mostly caused by "D"M. But I think in a way it's a blessing because she's finally stopped dropping everything and running whenever "D"M invents a crisis. I must admit I haven't been in touch with "D"M much lately at all - I think me and the DDs have got enough of our own stuff to deal with, to be honest.

Maybe I'll start a thread in Bereavement to talk about DH. Onwards and upwards, I guess. I just want me and the DDs to stick together and have the life DH would have wanted for us.

thank you for sharing

Had tears in my eyes when I read your update. I am so sorry for your loss. The tough stuff you have been dealing with is so cruel. All strength to you and your DDs. Take time to heal. A bereavement thread may be really worthwhile.

Just seem your update. Sad and hopeful for a lighter future xxxx

Hello @TheMadGardener. I’ve read this thread as I was once a regular on the elderly parents board, when I had responsibilities for my dad who had dementia ( and his very own house of horrors). I just wanted to say I hope you have made plenty of time for yourself and your DDs after the year you’ve had. And have strong boundaries around yourself when it comes to ‘D’M. The picture you paint quite clearly is of her emotional immaturity and self centredness. You faced up to her responsibilities in taking control of her affairs and housing. You have every right now to spend time looking after yourself and those who will truly benefit from time with you ie yours DDs.

Hi, been a long time since I updated this thread (although I have been over in Bereavement a little).

No one who read this thread will be surprised to hear that (D)M is still being bloody awkward, though luckily this doesn't impact much on me or DSis any more the way it used to. She is still in her flat, gets on with some of her neighbours and has fallen out with others. Of course she doesn't think lockdown rules apply to her ("You're 83 mother, you're vulnerable, stay in your flat") so is constantly popping out to the shops, buying unnecessary crap etc. DSis is a frontline NHS worker, vv overworked at the moment, probably exposed to Covid loads, DM has turned up on her doorstep several times "to give her things she's bought while shopping, e.g. plants" and is hugely offended when DSis won't let her in the house and makes her back away from the front door.

Although I'm glad to say that since last year when DSis pretty much had a nervous breakdown caused by DM's antics, had weeks off work with stress and anxiety, DSis finally seems to have taken my advice and backed right off from feeling like she has to be constantly checking on DM. DM gave DSis the cold shoulder for months although has now decided to speak to her again. But this finally seems to have broken the cycle of DSis feeling responsible for her, which is good. Plus DSis, while doing all her NHS work, managed to finish her online degree and got first class honours because she is amazing! Not that DM took any interest or congratulated her, obvs.
I haven't seen DM in person since Christmas. DDs and I are doing ok in lockdown. At least we have beautiful countryside here for walks. DDs don't seem to miss having contact with DM (apart from very occasional phone call, she takes little interest in us). So these days she is very much left to get on with her own life. She was the only person in the immediate family who didn't get in touch on DH's birthday, etc.
The rich person who bought the house of horrors has now completely renovated and extended it (it's twice the size now!) Haven't seen it in person but have seen photos. I'm glad it has been given a new lease of life. Sad to see our childhood home go out of the family but better that than seeing it derelict.

DMIL is still going in her nursing home, very frail, starting to feel very sad at not being able to have any visitors. She can't remember why the nursing home is closed to visitors although she's been told lots of times. DDs and I phone her several times a week and she's always asking us to come and see her. Her nursing home seems to be untouched by Covid so far, hope it stays that way.

Anyway, that's where we all are now, in case anyone's still interested. I am still in touch with the long-lost cousins too although mainly on FB rather than in person.

How lovely to hear your update, you and your DDs and DSis have been through an extraordinarily tough time and you are still so positive. I am so glad you have been able to step back from your DM and pleased the long lost cousins remain onside. I hope you have time for yourself and there are new things that make you smile and good that DMil keeps going.

Thank you.

Thank you for posting that update. It's sad but realistic that one can read that, with all the worries about DM and DMIL, and think "well, that's going really well compared with last year". But it's good to know, and encouraging for the rest of us, that you have come through it and reached some sort of equilibrium.

Thank you for updating us again. Your life must be very sad and different without dh but in many other ways you sound like you are in an ok sort of place. Calmer anyway, with some time to breathe and think.