Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing?
How is everyone coping with the extra teens with exam challenges?

Hi more- it was 25 years😮😮- you get less for murder!! I completely agree about toddler like behaviour- dm is sound of mind( completes crosswords etc) but has become very self focussed!! Or perhaps less restrained in airing her opinions.
I agree re babies.... teens are more interesting! Toddlers were fun to play with though....
good to vent on here!!

Well done on 35 years (and do call me Monica).

My baby was (obviously and naturally) the Best Baby Ever, but things became so much easier once they could communicate (which makes me question why I like teenagers, since their communication skills are sometimes conspicuously lacking!)

It’s all gone quiet over here. Waiting for referral for home visit from memory clinic and hoping to stave off any more crises in the meantime. DH needs to tackle the GP about all sorts of loose ends/outstanding issues but he’s away at the moment with work.

Learning to live with the fear that the next phone call could be another problem.

DH just rang MIL. He asked if GP has been in touch as FIL has Parkinson's dementia and has been shaking her. She said they are coping and DH should stop bothering the GP, stop interfering. It's so frustrating as she is blocking all attempts to give them help.

scrabble, is this denial? DM was quite angry with DF when he became ill. It was as if she felt he was leaving her. She also pushed us away as she did not want us to see that she was not coping.

Denial and anger are quite common, I think. My mother exhibited both when my father was ill.

My mum has dementia, had it for 9 years now. She kniws who we are but cannot remember what anyone said half a second ago. She doesn't cook or clean and hasn't left her flat for over a year. She can't walk, gets very overwhelmed and passes out so its safer if she doesn't. I am single mum with 2 dc and work part time. I hate my life, I am very depressed and sometimes I wish I could put her in a home but she wont bloody go!! My dad is also now very ill, not sure how much longer I can go on.

That sounds really hard for you, Walkingdead. Are there any agencies supporting your parents? Or you? Do you have siblings or other relatives for support?

There's nothing and no one. My Mum had carers for 15 mins a day but she didn't like having strangers in her home......so it's me, me or yes me. There is no help or support. I'm on anti depressants so feel quite numb, which is better for me but not so good for my children.

Oh, that does sound tough. I don't know what to suggest beyond the obvious. Try to take care of yourself; you have to prioritise your own health and wellbeing.

Do stay here to vent and get moral support. There are some very wise women here.

Walking dead, that sounds awful and unsustainable. What happens if you get ill?
She might not like carers but i’m sorry there has to be a way for someone else to be involved. Age uk? Could her gp help? You and your children do not deserve this.

I took the day off work today to take mum to a hospital appointment at 9am. (She has dementia). despite repeated reminders, she wasn't ready when I went to pick her up, so we were late getting there. Thanks God having a blue badge means I can park right at the entrance. Get to reception to find they had phoned her to cancel the appointment, and she'd forgotten. Cue gritten teeth on my part. She'd also managed to lose her walking stick when I took her shopping yesterday, so I also had to go back to bloody Tesco to collect it.

That is what days off work look like these days.

notaflyingmonkey

Days off don't exist do they?

Nope. When people at work ask me if I have got anything nice planned, I just say drudgery.

Exactly that, same old crap every day!

Yes, drudgery, alas. This is why I also spend some of my non-working time doing fun things like going to the cinema and meeting friends. I'm very fortunate to be able to do that, and very thankful, because I need that decompression time.

Hi all
Have continued with my low contact with mum
It's working in that I now only go to see her 2-3 times per week rather than everyday...I also dont phone her unless she phones/texts me
I'm happier this way and tbh I think that she is too
My golden boy brother moves into his new home next week so no doubt she will be busy with them...
I've not mentioned Christmas and neither has she...
We are coming up to 2 years since her last bad health crisis (emergency admission for 5 days just before xmas) and tbh I can see another crisis on the horizon, but she denies her health is deteriorating and refuses the op to repair the graft so......
Hope everyone is ok

Good to hear the reduced contact is helping Mrs. And the time off to recharge not a and others.
Hope everyone is trying to take some time for themselves. Spent a day with a friend Who must have fielded at least 6 calls plus texts regarding her dm in the time we had together. We did manage cake😉 but it is relentless for her....

That sounds tough on your friend sandwich
Mums still very cross with me 😀 but I hate all her silly games and the lies. Maybe it's my age. I'm afraid my bullshit tolerance is pretty much zero these days!

@mrsreynolds reducing contact with my mum from every day to 2/3 times a week as you did probably saved my sanity (and marriage). She has carers who go in 3 times a day instead, and frankly they get paid to listen to her so I don't have to. At first they/their agency would phone me two or three times a day to ask me random things which meant that I wasn't getting the time away, so I asked them to contact my golden boy brother instead during one particular week, and it has now become manageable.

In the meantime, DM is feeling very sorry for herself, and slating anyone that doesn't agree with how hard she's had it.

monkey
I dread to think what my mother has been telling people since our argument a few weeks ago!
I ended up having an argument with a friend about it - she has taken mum under her wing and believes all the lies she tells and her "poor me" schtick. So that's a friendship gone :(
She seems to think my sister and brothers lives are much harder than mine...
Simply untrue
My brother and sil leave their dd with family members 80% of the time and have done since she was 6 weeks old
They are always bailed out financially by family members
They have just been handed £1000s for a house deposit
All I hear is "poor them"
It infuriates me!!
My sisters issues are self made sadly
She's married to a pig which was fine whilst he was earning a huge salary and never home
Now he's not and the cracks are showing
Again all I get is "poor her"
Sigh
I have chronic health issues
A dh that works away
2 dc, one of whom has had an awful year health wise
And she thinks I live some sort of gilded existence
Grrrrrr
Sorry
Didn't mean to rant!
I only work very pt so I'm around more and my job less important
My brother has had - how can I put it? - a checkered job history and walked out of/been fired from many.
My sister's situation is sad but as I said - only she can make changes
I've changed my will
My family get nothing
It's taken a looooong time but finally I'm treating them as they treat me
They aren't going to like it 😁😁😁

monkey
I dread to think what my mother has been telling people since our argument a few weeks ago!
I ended up having an argument with a friend about it - she has taken mum under her wing and believes all the lies she tells and her "poor me" schtick. So that's a friendship gone :(
She seems to think my sister and brothers lives are much harder than mine...
Simply untrue
My brother and sil leave their dd with family members 80% of the time and have done since she was 6 weeks old
They are always bailed out financially by family members
They have just been handed £1000s for a house deposit
All I hear is "poor them"
It infuriates me!!
My sisters issues are self made sadly
She's married to a pig which was fine whilst he was earning a huge salary and never home
Now he's not and the cracks are showing
Again all I get is "poor her"
Sigh
I have chronic health issues
A dh that works away
2 dc, one of whom has had an awful year health wise
And she thinks I live some sort of gilded existence
Grrrrrr
Sorry
Didn't mean to rant!
I only work very pt so I'm around more and my job less important
My brother has had - how can I put it? - a checkered job history and walked out of/been fired from many.
My sister's situation is sad but as I said - only she can make changes
I've changed my will
My family get nothing
It's taken a looooong time but finally I'm treating them as they treat me
They aren't going to like it 😁😁😁

Oooops!
Sorry for double post

Good on you @mrsreynolds. My DM was in hospital for 10 weeks following a stroke. I drove to see her every day - about an hour each way on a busy motorway, after work. I went every weekend, did all her washing (she'd become incontinent), looked after the house and did her garden. She now complains to everyone, repeatedly, that she missed the summer and how sorry she feels for herself. I spent most of my summer sitting on the M25. She's barely been out of her house for the past three years, so I have no idea what she thinks she missed out on.

Now she is starting to drop hints that she wants to go to all the church Christmas fairs, including one where we used to live which is about an hour's drive away, so would mean a whole Saturday gone in the run up to Christmas. I asked how she intends to get there - no doubt my name is mud with the carers.

(I work full time, have 2 DCs and a house to look after, but she expects me to be at her beck and call.)

God that sounds rough. Poor you 💐
When mum was in my sister promptly went away for 4 days and I had to have an argument with my brother to get him go one afternoon to visit.
He "doesn't like" hospitals.
Whereas I fucking love them 😡😩