Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing?
How is everyone coping with the extra teens with exam challenges?

Hello all.more- I am so sorry to hear things are so tough. Vent away and do take up nms’s offer if you are near London- she is very wise in these matters! Midlands here if it helps....
Hope everyone is keeping afloat. and to all...

I'm sorry about your godmother, NeedMoreSleep. How lovely that you and your mother still had that connection to her youth and her home town.

That's a very kind offer, too. I do live in the metropolis, but feel too frazzled and hag-like at the moment to meet anyone in the flesh except maybe on Halloween. The gallows humour on this board does, as you say, help to keep things in perspective. I understand why she does it, but listening to my mother's constant diatribes is still very wearing.

Thank you, sandwich. Here's some more to add to our repast:

Ooooh thanks more!
Sorry nms- meant to offer condolences for the loss of your godmother. Ending of an era.
More- do look after yourself and try and find ways to insulate and protect yourself. Coffee and cake with friends and a long dog walk certainly helps me. Essential self care.

Hi everyone.
It's been a manic here and I haven't read the thread - Sorry!
I'm hoping that you wise ones can help calm me down....
Mum had been pretty vile lately. I'm back at work 2 days a week and am volunteering again.
After a birthday weekend where I got £20 stuffed in a men's card (?) and not even a phone call on the day I have now found out she has found out she has given my brother £8k for a house deposit.
Now...I know it's her money and I must come across as grabby as hell but I'm devastated. It's yet another demonstration of her complete disregard for me and my family.
I think I'm done.
I no longer wish to be her POA but I don't know how I go about a. Telling her and b. Sorting it out.
Her precious son can be her POA. They can do all the running around
I think I'm done :(

(For comparison when I go at my first house I got a bucket and some pegs)

Ouch!

Does your brother do anything? If not would you be prepared to sit on the sidelines and watch things fall apart.

I have a DB who is a golden boy, and it is small consolation to know that if my mother did not have dementia she would have to revise her views. Staff at her housing tell me she raves about him, yet after almost five years most have never seen him. I was not invited to speak at my dads funeral, and discovered that things like her funeral plan were in his name alone. She had assumed he would step up so felt no need to "invest" in her relationship with me.

I use my late father as my reference point. I don't know if there is a hereafter, but should I meet him again I know that I will be able to look him in the eye. Indeed generally I find it useful to think about what my dad would have done. (I also think about what my children see. My mother failed to do anything for her own mother, and left it all to her sister. Even when I was young this seemed very selfish.)

Another thing I did was to insist that the POA was worded in a way that did not leave me out of pocket. My mum has a lot of assets that need active management. It is almost a full time job, and my brother claimed he could not help as he was too busy with his high powered job, and than has been unhelpful, seeming to prefer to keep my mums income up, rather than my workload down. I have wanted to ensure my family did not become resentful of a financial burden on top of the time/stress burden.

Interestingly this argument worked with my mother. She was not prepared to be appreciative, or even kind, to me. But it turned out she was very worried that my husband might put his foot down and refuse to let me prioritise her over him and my family. Poor man became a bit of a bogeyman. If I did not want to do something, or it was all becoming too much I simply started with "My husband...."

No he doesmt
He only sees mum because she provides childcare for his dd - which she is increasingly struggling to do no she never once provided childcare for me
Ditto my sister. Takes mum shopping once a week
I've prepared a list of mums meds, her Dr log in and recent medical history - I will send this to my sister
I'm done
If I see dad again I will tell him I did my best :(

...another remains im really cross is that they money was earmarked for a new Kitchen which she desperately needs...
That's not happening now....

Oh, Badders, there is so much there I can relate to.

My sibling too is the Golden One, and because that status is set in stone, feels that it would be wholly unreasonable to expect them to step up. They are "too busy" to do more, despite knowing that I am on my knees with exhaustion.

Do you think your mother might be a narcissist? Armchair diagnosis is very unreliable, I know, but my mother's insistence that everything is about her all the time (and other things) certainly seems to point that way. I need to coach my husband to back me up more; he tends to keep his head down, but I think I need him to be more vocal in saying no, that's not reasonable and I'm not doing it. Curiously, it might be EBay that brings these things to a head. My sibling has told her that EBay is too laborious, so mother has decided that I will be selling dozens of items to help her "declutter". My hints that I don't have the time for constant trips to the post office have fallen on stony ground!

I also worry about what my daughter is seeing here. I hope she's seeing that it is possible to be kind towards someone who's never been kind to you and is frequently foul-tempered, but I worry that what she actually sees is someone who's being verbally abused and exploited. I'm tempted to chuck it in, too, but probably won't since, if I did, I'd be descending to her level of nastiness.

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

and

Oh woes it's hard isn't it?
My dh is very angry about my siblings lack of interest and always has been.
He is off work next week and we are planning nice days out. I need it.
I have posted the POA forms through her door and have sent my sister a list with all mums info on.
We shall see....

Ah yes
Too busy
My sister only started working pt 18 months ago and has 2 secondary age boys
My brother a wife only started working ft about 4 months ago and have 1 dd they barely see
I have a dh who works away, chronic health problems and 2 dc one of wh9m is still at primary. I also work very pt and volunteer
None of that seems to count though?
It's really odd
It's literally like I dont exist

Oh my. I recognise that too.

My only function, in my mother's eyes, seems to be to act as her chauffeur and general factotum. What upsets me most is that, when my father died, I assumed that we would help each other through it, but my mother has offered no comfort to me or my sibling and her non-stop demands have made it all so much worse.

I think I need to change my user name to something that doesn't abbreviate to Woes! I need a more cheerful moniker. In fact, perhaps that might be it ... Meanwhile, here's some

Honestly? I'm not sure I've properly grieved for my dad yet.
It's been over 4 years and all I did was care for mum

Again, I feel exactly the same. Because everything has been about my mother, I haven't had the thinking time to process my father's death.

Love it.

When my father was dying my mum was "me, me, me". She seemed angry at him leaving her and I worried about abuse.

The very weird thing is that my brother seems permanently angry with me. I am very careful to be polite. I can't change his behaviour, so there is no point. My kids are a decade younger and have had to share my time for a decade since my youngest one was in primary school. It has been really tough, and in some ways is getting tougher. Its as if I am doing wrong by being able to rise to a challenge when he has failed miserably. Or as if I simply don't count and my time is valueless.

DBs wife has never worked and had a full time nanny as well as a cleaner. The kids then went to boarding school. She manages to look at me as if I am some sort of skivvy. She once managed to make a cup of coffee for herself and drink it, whilst talking to me, and without offering me one. Perhaps she assumed I was the mug.

Thank you!

That's another uncanny similarity; when my father was in hospital, my mother threw a tantrum at his bedside because he wasn't paying her sufficient attention.

Hello Badders and love the new name more!! 😄😄
Nodding in agreement with you all re the golden b@££s siblings and the little valuing of our time. Currently in the middle of sorting a new boiler for dm so a bit more appreciation.... but it won’t last!
And badders- enjoy your days off!!!!

Hello sandwich
I'm properly pulling back this time
She's just such bloody hard work - and such a liar!! she's already asked my sister to be POA so is obv not bothered
She won't be seeing me for some time...have told my sister i do not want contacting about her health unless it's an emergency

Go girl! 😄

Must re read toxic parents

Mum denies so much
"I never said that"
"I did my best"
Sigh
So fucking tedious

Sigh. So does mine. I sometimes wonder whether it's a symptom of losing her memory but, actually, I think it's because she needs to believe that the past was rather different from what it actually was. This is one reason why I never discuss the past with her.

Yeah
It's pointless
I've upset myself over nothing and spent most of the morning in tears
Oh well

Oh badders [ cake] it isn’t fair. you deserve better.