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Elderly parents

Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

992 replies

thesandwich · 04/04/2017 09:54

Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing?
How is everyone coping with the extra teens with exam challenges?

OP posts:
Knope2020 · 01/09/2017 19:31

Is there anyone your dad would listen to?
A vicar/priest/pastor?
Old friend/Work colleague?
Dr?
Sorry - it's so hard to deal with x

Karmagician · 01/09/2017 23:36

Oh Silver this sounds so hard for you. Like Knope I wonder if there is someone your dad would talk to? He's obviously struggling too to accept the changes in your mum's situation and doesn't trust anyone else to look after her like he can. Where in the country are they? Could Age UK or a similar agency perhaps get involved?

thesandwich · 02/09/2017 07:42

Silver that sounds awful. Can't add to advice from others about someone he might listen to.Flowers

OP posts:
PeralMePots · 02/09/2017 08:23

Silver this is so hard. My step-father was the same. He put my mum In So much danger that she ended up in hospital. She had a fall, he got her to bed and for 3 days he was lifting her onto a Saucepan to go to the toilet. He could see nothing wrong with it.

The hospital wanted to discharged her back to his care,.I used a phrase, given to me by a MNetter. "She is a vulnerable adult and she needs protection". I don't know if this would work with your LA, but describing what has happened might trigger a response. If your Dad is refusing her the care she needs in her home, then she probably needs a place of safety. I suggest you ask for 'respite care' while things get sorted. It does help if she has enough savings to pay. I know this should not be a factor but it helped my mum get a place when apparently none were available.

My mum spent 5 years in a wonderful care home, paid for by the LA when her money ram out.

SilverBirdie · 02/09/2017 18:59

Thank you. Saw her today and she was totally somewhere else. I took our new puppy over and she didn't react at all. Not to the touch or to the sight of her. Anyway, now Dad has admitted defeat where tolieting is concerned and said she will either have to switch from her wheelchair to sitting on the commode all day (which I told him absolutely can't happen) or spend 24/7 in incontenance pants. She looked so tired today Sad
I'm wondering, if mum isn't in control of toileting at all, requires 24/7 care and my Dad isn't far off not being able to lift her up if she falls, we're looking at carehome aren't we? It must seem obvious but we seem to have got here so quickly and it's a decision that seems so difficult to think about

PeralMePots · 02/09/2017 19:14

It's a big step, your Dad admitting defeat on the toiletimg. It is such a hard thing to put get her into,the care system even when you know it is in her best interest

Needmoresleep · 03/09/2017 09:57

Suggest a couple of weeks respite care for her to build her up (and give him a break). Don't make it a permanent decision or an admition of defeat. At the end he is either feeling up to caring for her, with some knowledge of other options, or he admits he can't cope.

If there is rainy day money spend it. Some upmarket homes really feel like hotels and the food can be fab. Or depending on how much money there is, a chance to test drive possible future provision, and work out what to look for.

PeralMePots · 03/09/2017 10:27

We got my mum into respite by calling it convalescence. This was a term they were much more familiar with. Two week convalescence was quite normal after a hospital stay in the old days.

notaflyingmonkey · 03/09/2017 21:24

But it doesn't necessarily mean a care home forever, it's possible that she could be at home with carers can come in throughout the day and change her pads, supervise food and meds etc

loobylou124 · 05/09/2017 06:07

Hi everyone, I'm so glad I found this thread. DH and I are struggling to know what to do. We're both in our 30s with four elderly parents (yes, big coincidence that both of us are in the same situation so young) and we're just starting out on the journey of trying to support them through the tough later years. Up until now all of of them have been managing pretty well, with only the occasional emergency.

But we're starting to find that one-by-one they're all gradually deteriorating, and we're very worried about the future. Between the four of them, they're already dealing with dementia, the after-effects of a stroke, depression, inability to drive, iffy personal hygiene, and the usual wear and tear of old age like dodgy hips and poor sight etc. Given my and DH's age, which means that we both have full-time jobs over an hour away from the parents, and a new baby on the cards soon, we're just not going to be able to do as much for them as they and we would perhaps like. But as DH and I are so new to this, we don't have a clue what support is available, who we can talk to about our worries, what funding is out there, what legal questions might come up etc. etc. Does anyone know of a good starting point for us? Thank you so much for any advice you can give. x

PeralMePots · 05/09/2017 07:59

One of the most important things is open communication with the parents. Try to persuade them to fill out LPAs and if they refuse then Encourage them make a living will. The way to sell this, say to them
"You need to be in charge of your own future, even when you don't have the physical or mental capacity to do so. Let us know now what you want in terms of your care and if an 'end of life illness' is diagnosed"

Secondly, and this may seem hard. You have to put yourselves and your children first. So many of us feel guilty, run ourselves ragged, and neglect our own health and families. Caring for the elderly is a long hard slog. People live well into their 90s and become more depended as they get older. Sadly not all of them are sweetness and grateful. Set boundaries and stick to them.

As they get older, you will find yourself dealing with Utilities, LAs and Health professionals. This is advice I have given many times on here but it is a life saver.

Make a record of every conversation you have with officials, about them. Name of perso you spoke with, time, date, and what was promised. Not one thing will get resolved with one phone call. Being able to quote back previous requests really helps.

Before things get really bad mentally, and if they are willing make a file of the following.

Their financial status, where accounts are held. Encourage them to simplify, sell shares, consolidate accounts. Luckily my Stepfather made me a joint account holder which made things easier

Details of Utility companies, insurance, LAs . Check that they are not paying unnessaey things. Car insurance when they longer drive, too high house insurance.

Personal details. dates and places of birth and marriage, mother's maiden names. Believe me , you will be asked again and again!

Medical history. Doctors details, hospital appointments, medication. Try to get a prescription list as this will help if you need to claim Attrndence Allowance.

If they will allow you make copies if any paperwork they have, so that you can deal with things remotely. I found Utilies often asked to speak to the person themselves if you are trying to change tariff, arrange a visit or get insurance cover. Have someone with you to pretend to be the house holder, otherwise you have to be in the house when the arrangements are made.

When things get so that they cannot manage, get a redirection of mail form completed. Again in helps cut down visits, and you keep control. You can see what is being spent, what appointmemts are needed etc.

AGE UK produce many leaflets which deal with the practical side. It is worth going onto their site and mugging up on what your parents entitlements and restrictions.

randomer · 05/09/2017 08:08

Peral that is fantastic advice. I fear I am going under with it all.

PerfumeIsAMessage · 05/09/2017 08:21

Hello all. Been off the radar for a while. Hope everyone is well and that everyone's oldies are as well as possible.
Back in the UK for my summer job and so staying with my cousin as Mum's house is now rented out. Been to see her in the home, she no longer really knows me, though she knows she has a daughter with my name. She just rattles on and on (but we are all great talkers Grin) with fact and fiction all swishing together somehow. She seems happy enough and I just feel numbly relieved that for me, the transition from her home to a home is over and done with.
Flowers and welcomes to all newbies.

PeralMePots · 05/09/2017 08:33

I am glad she has settled in well. My mum's 5 years in a home were a life saver for both of us. Within a few months she was bossing people about. Her reply if anyone said anything to her was "it's my house, I can say what I like"' which I took to be a good sign.

My mum is a twin and when I first visited she thought I was her sister, I must have aged considerably within the first year as I then became her mum. Every visit we had exactly the same conversation 100 times is the hour,
Her, "have you bought us cakes?"
Me, " they are in the kitchen, just waiting for the kettle to boil"
Her, "good, have you bought us cakes?"

Needmoresleep · 05/09/2017 13:00

To add to Peral's advice review their housing at an early stage, thinking forwards.

Homes are expensive, and the good ones have wait lists. My mother is in extra sheltered housing (with a 24 hour warden), and has been for over four years. She feels safe and independent, it is far cheaper than a home, but there is someone around in an emergency so I don't need to dread the phone as much, the flat is adapted, she can opt for a three course hot lunch, there is a cleaning and laundry service and I can top up with a carer coming in.

Hopefully I wont need to move her to a home till a point where she has very little idea where she is.

And do prioritise yourself and your family. My daughter is 19 and just about to go to University and I realise I have been responsible for elderly parents for a decade. My in-laws are just starting to fade so some chance of another decade of dreaded phone calls and emergency trips, this time the M1 rather than the M3! If we had not managed to achieve some sort of balance (in our case buying a small holiday flat, which we rent out in summer but use out of season, which allows us some quality time, and "allowing" DH to support the local football team ) I would be drowning, rather than just very very tired. Guess where the username came from!

mumontherun14 · 07/09/2017 22:41

Hi there hoping to join you all. Got DM diagnosed with Alzheimer's last year and my dear dad 81 looking after her as best he can but it's getting harder for him and he refuses any help. Myself and my sister are nearest and di our best but my sis is pregnant and I have 2 school age DC and work pretty much full time. Mum can have good days and bad days but is still early stages. I feel so anxious about what's to come and it's so sad for the whole family seeing her confused and disappearing into herself and Dad struggling. Ill be interested to read all your posts there seems to be some great advice on here xxxx

thesandwich · 08/09/2017 17:49

Welcome mum. Sorry you have to join us. Your situation sounds really tough- the biggest thing is trying to get your df to accept help. Is there anyone he would listen to? Vicar? Friend? Gp? Loads of practical advice upthread from some veterans😜. Vent away here.
Hope everyone else is juggling successfully- we are away for a week andgolden balls brother has deigned to visit DM so it will of course be all about himsecond visit in oh ten years and just the list waiting for me.....

OP posts:
PerfumeIsAMessage · 08/09/2017 18:22

Welcome mum (though sorry you are joining this little corner) It's somehow easier to read that everyone else is going through the same thing allbeit we are all at different stages.

My Mum was diagnosed 2 years ago, although had signs for a year or so beforehand. It seems hard to believe now, but less than 2 years ago she was still driving an MG sports car and flying off alone to Argentina!

One thing I do firmly believe though- in her own little world now, she is still happy. Hasn't a clue what's going on, or where she is, or who we are, but she's got a smile on her face, so I can live with that.

Enjoy your break thesandwich- hope GBalls steps up to the mark!

Karmagician · 08/09/2017 20:06

Welcome to the thread Looby and Mum - sorry you have to join us. Peral and Needmore have given some great advice Looby - this sounds so hard for you when you and your hubby are essentially in the prime of your lives! Mum I think I was pretty much where you are now about 18 months ago, although my dad was very quick to realise that he couldn't cope as soon as it was clear mum was going downhill as he is registered blind and she was his carer. Nota hope you had a good break and Sandwich hope you have a good one too next week.
Things with us have taken a bad turn. Mum was on the up - I took my dad to visit her in hospital last weekend and she was sleepy but lovely and they were hoping to get her back to the care home on Monday or Tuesday. Then they changed her medication and decided she should stay in until Wednesday to check no adverse reactions. On Wed morning she was sitting up in a chair, calm and good-humoured, but after lunch my brother got a call from the hospital to say she had had another seizure and wasn't coming around from it. The neurologist saw her yesterday and said it definitely wasn't another stroke (turned out the last one had been) - 'just a seizure' but she has been struggling to come out of it. Although apparently she had finally opened her eyes this morning and a little more responsive, by this afternoon she still hadn't eaten or drunk anything and had rejected a feeding tube - although they have managed to get an IV into her to hydrate her. I don't know what to think. It feels like it is getting close to the end, yet every time I have thought that before she has come round again. We are all going up for the weekend tomorrow as my brother is away for a week and I need to take my dad to see her. Feel really low about it all....sorry...

PeralMePots · 08/09/2017 20:39

Hi Karmagician, this is what happened to my mum in her end life admittance. I rejected the feeding tube as she had no quality of life. One thing I want to say to you is, this may be a longer process than you anticipate. My mum was hydrated with fluids and anti-bacs. she was offered food but refused by turning her head. It was then a further 4 weeks before she died. She was kept comfortable, was able acknowledge nurses and visitors, but slowly became less responsive, I then asked when it would be time to stop the hydration and a lovely doctor told me the time is now as she no longer responds. I dont know if I should have asked earlier, but she did not seem to suffer and she could still turn her head when I spoke to her even in her final days.

ClosedAuraOpenMind · 08/09/2017 21:17

waving hello at the end of a long week...
DM is 70 but not great health. she kinda held everything together as she was the main carer for my DDad, then he died just before christmas (on my birthday, to make it extra crap)
anyway, after he died she crumbled physically and mentally. doesn't really eat, struggling with depression and isolation. two months ago an aneurysm burst. she's only still with us because by chance she was on the phone to one of my brothers.
she's been in hospital since then, was discharged way too early - although she insisted she was ready to go home - had several falls and back in hospital 48 hours later
yesterday we had a discharge meeting at hospital, the doctor and physio all really positive, and even DM seemed like she was going to give it a go
phoned her today to see how she was, and she's already reverted to be scared and needySad
so i'm going to have to go over tomorrow and see her (have seen her 5times this week in hospital despite working full time and having 6yr old DD). she stays an hour + away, i've got work to do and we also need to finish clearing the garage as the builders arrive to start work converting it on monday
well done to anyone who's read all of my ramblings, just wanted to get it out as DHs parents are ridiculously healthy...

Karmagician · 08/09/2017 22:36

Thanks Peral. I think that's what I struggle with most. I just wish she could tell us what she wants to happen. A couple of times she has just looked straight into my eyes for some time, not said anything - but I've just sensed that she is trying to tell me something - perhaps that she wants to go. But there is also the horrible thought that what if it's not that but rather that she wants to live above all else? She will be 93 next month, tiny and fragile now but such a tough cookie. She has had masses of falls since this journey began but only ever broken a wrist. Would she want to 'give up'?

thesandwich · 08/09/2017 22:39

Just popping in to send my sympathy to you karma and your poor DM.

OP posts:
IWantABlueBanana · 08/09/2017 22:59

Can I join? It's not my parent but my fil, the bloody biggest child in my life.

73 year old, recently been diagnosed with a type of ureteral cancer- getting kidney, ureter and part of bladder removed in a fortnight... on my birthday, dh has joked it would be my best present ever if he didnt make it!

dh m died 16 years ago when he was 23 and he still really struggles with it. Half db and ds both live abroad.

I think now will really start the frailty, his stupid lifestyle is going to catch up.

Sorry guys, maybe here's not where I should be posting, it just popped up in active and seemed appropriate at the time

MoreElderlyParentWoes · 08/09/2017 23:41

Welcome, IWantABlueBanana. This is a great place for venting and picking up very useful tips and advice. Why do you say fil's lifestyle is catching up with him?