Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing?
How is everyone coping with the extra teens with exam challenges?

Sounds very difficult for you all. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about - you have been doing everything you can. It is so hard when you always feel it is not enough because there is no solution.

OT have been in & suggested a few more grab rails, but most kit was already in place (just not used). Her current armchair is beyond redemption!

Hello all. Just checking in and hope you are all doing as well as possible- extra for those with teens awaiting results....

Just wanted to send good wishes to you all. No-one should ever unestimate the value of this thread for advice and an outlet to rant. My MiL, Mother and Step-father have all died now.

When the my step-father died 6 months after mother, it was such a relief. Secretly I felt like I had won the lottery. Except that 15 years of looking after 3 ungrateful people, battling all the agencies, dealing with every aspect of their life has broken me. I am exhausted and constantly wonder if should have been more like my DH, BiL, and DB.
All fine words about "how marvellous Pansy Was" but they are totally untouched by it all. Happily spending the inheritance though.

I am sorry if I sound bitter. I just want to say to everyone, don't feel guilty that you are limited on what you can do. When we start on this journey of caring for older relatives we are so innocent. We are totally unprepared for the frustration, the brick walls, and just how long we will be expected to take on this responsibility.

Sorry to hear you are still struggling, Pansy. The thing is though, you don't have any guilt or shame to wrestle with which you might otherwise have had. I know if I lose either parent right now, I have done all that I could and have no regrets. I suspect if you had behaved as other family members did you'd be struggling in a different way now.

That isn't to say we shouldn't protect ourselves- we absolutely must work out our boundaries and stick to them.

DH is struggling with his DB's lack of interest/understanding of his parent's situation. He tried to speak to him last week, and he couldn't really see the issue or why my DH was ringing him. The implications of an elderly couple, one with dementia, neither able to drive, and a houseful of accumulated stuff moving to a cottage in the country was lost on him. We're hoping that Mil will lose interest in the move, and become fixated on something involving less upheaval!

Picklemepopcorn, you are right of course, thank you for that kind thought. I just wish there was a way we could insulate ourselves from feeling guilty. Just one word of gratitude or kindness from one of them would have helped. I think the more one does the more is expected.

They may well appreciate it one day- perhaps they will need help but no one steps up, or they will help someone else.

I told DM to ask some of their extended contacts to sit with dad while she goes out for shopping etc, or to give him a lift for a doctor's appointment. She said 'but we've never done that for anyone else'. I thought- but didn't say 'well you should have!' And of course, some lovely people did indeed find time to help. I think in future, she may be more appreciative of the help other people need.

Hi everyone, can I join in?
I'm looking for some handholding. My parents live 5 hrs away so I don't see them as often as I want to. I'm still working p/t but s/employed.

My DF has a kind of dementia / lack of cognitive skills after an illness along with other health issues. He's being cared for by my mum - both are in their 90s. He's mobile but since his illness his personality has changed. I feel so torn that at this time of his life I have very mixed feelings towards him. He has begun to bully my mum but when we think about it, he's always done it. My loving memories of him are being eroded now that I see his 'true self' which is exaggerated by his illness.

He is a control freak. He tried to control me as a teen, and I left home after uni to 'escape'. At the same time he was loving and would do loads for me.

With my mum, he has always controlled the finances. He would give her housekeeping and she'd have to ask for more if she needed things. Now he can't control or even understand money, she's had to take over. But he still 'makes her' go to the bank, take out cash, which he then dishes out weekly. She does have a cheque book (joint account) and a credit card so she's not unable to buy things.

But since he's been ill, he's become on occasions, aggressive and violent towards her (and me) when money has been discussed because he doesn't think women can understand it. Obviously as a professional woman myself, I find this insulting but make allowances for his illness. Last time I visited, he tried to hit me when we got into a discussion over finances and I was sticking up for my mum.

I can see how this is his illness, but at the same time I am now seeing he has been like this all through their marriage and my mum has been subservient. My other sibling is as disgusted as I am that our DF has behaved like this.

I suppose I'm asking for a bit of sympathy because at a time when I ought to be enjoying my DF's last few months or whatever he has left, I'm increasingly sad and angry at how he's treated my mum and how he's not the adorable person I thought he was.

Hi biker sorry you have to join us- much sympathy. Please don't let your df's behaviour now rewrite the past- try to hang on to who he was as well whilst dealing with things now. Now sounds really tough- are doctors/ social workers involved? Your DM needs protection.
Rant away here. Lots of support and wisdom.
How is everyone else doing? Hope things are calmish. Today when she was out with me DM was accosted by a spiritualist healer chap who said he could cure her arthritis by cleansing her house- fortunately she is too deaf to hear so missed what he said.... when I told her afterwards the language was rather choice!

Bikerlass so sorry you are having to join our club..quite often the awful behaviours become much more exaggerated with Demetia. Any inhibition seem to disappear. It is so hard when you feel so powerless and are so far away. Sometimes it is only when we step away, that we can analyse what went on in our past. If SS are not already involved, I think I would raise your concerns for your mum with them.

I would absolutely raise the issue with SS...your dad is ill but your mum and others have a right not to be abused either verbally or physically.
Put it this way....if he tried to hit a stranger or a child what would you do?
I think we minimise our loved ones behaviour because...well..we love them.
But it's not acceptable, illness or not.
Hugs to you x
Haven't seen much of mum tbh - she's also stopped Phoning and texting every day - I assume because I found about the money she is giving my brother for his house deposit - and she doesn't like it.
It's ds2s last few days of holiday so am planning to take him out tomorrow.
Got a delivery due Tuesday and ds2 at a fun day on weds so with any luck wont see her til Thurs 😁

Thanks. Their GP knows. I was with mum when she had an appt and it was discussed. They offered safeguarding through SS but mum refused. DF is so frail he would be unable to do much because his mobility is limited and mum is far more agile. They have a support worker through SS. My sibling lives nearby and has spoken to DF about it too. Often it's verbal abuse, when he's annoyed about mum controlling the finances, and he threatens to 'bash her'. She tends to just leave the room and tells him not to dare. When he was trying to kick me I told him I'd call the police if he laid a finger on anyone. I'm not sure if he believed me as he probably thought he was doing nothing wrong. It was just very upsetting because it showed that he has always thought like this about money and now he cannot manage it, he can't accept it and therefore tries to bully mum over it. It's upsetting for her of course but on the other hand I think she also buried her head in the sand all their marriage and was happy to let him deal with the finances because it meant she didn't have to engage or worry over it.

Its certainly not an uncommon state of affairs in their generation

Welcome from me too, Biker.

I think it's very often the case that old age or illness turn people into an exaggerated version of their former character. It's certainly true of my mother.

Hi all. Glad to find this thread and hope its ok for me to join. Will try to summarise my situation as succintly as possible. My lovely mum, now 92, was diagnosed with vascular dementia Feb 2016 and went into a care home. My dad, now 87, is registered blind, although has some sight (macular degeneration) was left on his own at home – mum was his registered carer – and coped for a while with lots of support from us and friends, but eventually went into a care home himself shortly before Christmas last year. He chose not to go into the same home as mum as he is still mentally and physically pretty fit and felt he couldn’t cope with being around mum all the time with her decline. His home is very close to hers though so he still gets to see her 3-4 times per week. They are in the countryside, my older brother lives about 20 miles away, I live the other side of London – about a 3 hour drive away.
Mum is essentially doing ok – good days and bad – and obviously in decline longer-term. She has the occasional scare such as this weekend when she suffered some seizures and was taken into hospital, which is where she is now, but due to be discharged back to the home within the next couple of days. She has always been the glue that held our family together though and, as is becoming clear to both my brother and I now, shielded us hugely from our father, who is being a total nightmare!

We both call him every day and my brother visits around 2 x per week, taking my dad to lunch and then to see mum. I have 2 x young DCs (6 yr old twins) and work so get up there approx every 3 weeks for the weekend or sometimes for the day only (350 mile round trip). But none of this is enough for dad and he is constantly complaining (for the 15-30 mins he spends on the phone to me each evening) about everything and how terrible his life is. My mum was taken into hospital on Sunday morning, so my brother had to cancel the day he had planned with him, which he is mad about! He is jealous of the time we spend with mum (how sad is that) or with our own partners/families. He heaps on the emotional blackmail of how he doesnt' know whether he'll last the day. Both my brother and i are at the end of our tethers. We have been doing this for 18m now and I can't see where it will all end... Sorry to vent but at my wits end. I'm furious with him but feel guilty too.

Oh karma sorry to see you here but you are very welcome to rant- lots of wisdom here.
It sounds as if you are doing all you possibly can. It sounds so hard. Please try not to feel guilty and don't neglect your needs and those of your family.

Thanks for responding Sandwich. Like Biker I feel that this is not a new side to my dad's personality that we are seeing; rather it's becoming clear that he has always been this self-centred. I certainly have no recollection of him putting family first when we were younger, yet that is all he talks about now. Yet it seems so cruel to now say all the stuff to him that he needed to hear and face up to years ago. He just refuses to listen now anyway. Apparently he has now told his home that he has fallen out with his family to get their sympathy and get them to arrange to take him to see mum in hospital. He truly surpasses himself every day. Luckily they are onto him so take it all with a pinch of salt but nevertheless all very upsetting. I'm on holiday at the moment and tbh it's difficult not to let him spoil it completely. Thanks for reading. Just need to get it all off my chest.

That's so tough karma.i think there is a survival mechanism at work.... they do whatever it takes to get the result!
Try and enjoy your holiday.and rant away!
How is everyone? Mrs m? Pickle? Nota? Stick? CMOT? Nms? Cat? Ed? More? Anyone else I've missed?

Hi Karma - welcome to the club. But you know what, whatever you do for him will never be enough. So maybe just accept the fact that the home he is in is doing the stuff for him that needs doing, and try to give yourself a break (and yes, I do know that is easier said than done!).

I'm going on a mini break next week with DH and our two teenage DCs. I intend to chill, and have put them all on notice that I will accept no ripples in that pond. For four whole days! (How many calls will I get from the carers in that time I wonder?)

Thanks monkey. And my brother and I have said this to each other - and to dad - many times, that even if we were with him 24/7 it wouldnt' be enough. We have offered to my dad, a few times now, to come and stay with us for a week or so during the summer so he could just chill out - my partner mostly works from home so would be around during the day (it was DPs idea - bless him - not mine!) - sit in the garden etc. He said he'd think about it and obviously we haven't heard any more ...... (Thank goodness!, but a bit of a risk calling his bluff!).
Despite all of this, it has been nice to get away with my family and not do too much - and my 'halfway house' has been that, whilst I'm away, I only call dad every other night instead of every night... My brother keeps me up to date with texts - so I've appreciated the nights I don't have to call!
Monkey, have a lovely break with your DH and kids. Maybe make a deal with the carers that you are on holiday and need some downtime and to only call you if it's an emergency? As you've said to me, perhaps you can trust that they will look after the basic (and beyond) needs - it's what they are being paid for! I've promised myself, if nothing else, that I will not do this to my own kids, however old and cratchedy I get!! xxx

Btw Nota - sorry for calling you 'monkey' as I've now noted that you are NOT 'aflyingmonkey'......

Hello from me too, karma.

Your father sounds very much like my mother and I feel a similar mix of guilt and exasperation. My mother too has a habit of making everything about her and seems to have no sense of anyone having a life beyond meeting her needs. I slog on, trying to be kind, but (like you perhaps) wonder whether it would have been better for everyone - including her - if some of these things had been confronted and dealt with many years ago.

As the wise people here say, we do the best we can but shouldn't allow ourselves to be submerged by it all.

Hello all (mrsm here after another nn!)
Hope everyone is managing and no more crises have arisen...?
Mum is ok. Although I have noticed that she is getting increasingly short/bad tempered with my niece that she looks after...
Her leg is bothering her but she denies it but every time I go round she has it up on a stool...
Haven't seen much of her tbh - I'm back at work and ds1 had a minor op yesterday - so I'm keeping busy
She isn't really contacting me much either and - god forgive me - it's such a relief

If anyone has time, could they look at the Dementia topic. I have recommended that the poster ask for her thread to moved to here. In the meantime, I think she would really benefit from the amazing support of posters here who maybe able to offer more advice than I have,

Hi, can I join this thread please?
I need some advice/handholding as things have got very difficult for my parents. They are both late 70s. Mum is wheelchair bound and has vascular dementia to the point she needs 24/7 care. At the moment my dad is doing this but is really struggling. He can barely help her onto her commode or the toilet and is constantly stressed. She has toileting accidents every day. Carers started last week but have refused to return, apparently due to Dad's unpleasantness which I can totally see happened. They're in the middle of recruiting so have no one else available. Dad refused to sign any agreement with them in the first place so I'm amazed they got any help in at all. Dad refuses to have a ramp put in place and today there was a very near catastrophe involving the steps by their front door. It can take 20 minutes to get mum from the kitchen into the car because she has to stand and navigate steps with support.
I'm fairly close, as is my sister but her daughter has severe learning disabilities and is immobile herself so requires 24/7 care. I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old so help as much as possible but can't be there in the evenings or much at weekends. Db is 3 hours away.
Dad has just spent 4K on a new wet room which a doesn't work properly and b mum can't get the hang of because of bad toilet positioning etc.
It's all a bit of a nightmare and my Dad isn't coping at all but has become impossible to deal with. He refuses to let any agencies help and insists he can build his own ramp etc.
I think mum needs to be somewhere else and believe she would be happier but then there's my stubborn, worn out old dad