Support for those who care for elderly parents - drop in as you need, everyone welcome

[CMOTDibbler]

All of us would rather not be here, but we need to be - with the people who really understand.

That sounds hopeful, bob. Fingers crossed.

I hope the MH lady carries through with her word and gets onto things for you Bob and I hope work is OK tomorrow. Maybe you being signed off for that time will have made them realise that they were expecting too much from you and they will ease off. (I am not called PositiveAttitude for nothing, you know! )

Well, I had a weird conversation with the nursing home yesterday when I went to visit mum. The manager was very nervous about asking me if my dad was ok and had we noticed anything about him. Cut to the chase and they can see that dad has classic dementia signs too and, although we had suspected he might be heading that way, for someone with her experience to point out all his weird ways in the terms of dementia was a bit of an eyeopener! It was suggested that dad should not be driving - an argument we have been having with him for the past 6 years!!! They have also offered to have dad in the home with mum. I really cant see dad agreeing to that as he complains continually about the bahaviour of the other patients. But plenty to think about and discuss with my brother before anything is mentioned to dad.
Dad's complaining was halted as the manager did a total review of mum's care and went through everything giving him plenty of chances to moan, but he behaved and didn't go into the "when are you going to make her well and send her home" speech!
Mum has gained 2kg in the 3 weeks since she went into the home. I am so relieved. At the hospital they never fed her and got cross when she tipped water onto her sandwiches, ice-cream into her gravy etc. Rarely did they help her and she would only be able to eat the meals if it was still sat in front of her at visiting time and we did it for her. Now she is fed lovely soft food and she is looking much healthier from it already.
They are also going to do a continuing care assessment, which I had been told had been done at the hospital, but we were never informed about it, or the outcome, despite asking if we could be told when it was going to be done and if we could be asked our views. All the paperwork has apparently gone missing from her notes!

Hello all. Bob- good luck for tomorrow. Take it easy if you can. Pa- wow. It sounds like you gave found a great home for your dm. That must be quite a shock. Re driving- the police were called when dm couldn't remember how to use and pay for petrol at a petrol station- it was really helpful as the community policeman contacted dh and then kindly told dm she couldn't drive any more. Could you contact the local police? Your dad must be in turmoil- mil deteriorated really ask when fil went into a home after a stroke.
Good luck.

Thanks for your support everyone.
PA- I have also had the weird experience of knowing something about Dad but not really allowing it to percolate fully into my consciousness, then a professional says it and suddenly it's obvious. I hope the home continues to be as positive as they currently are. Good news re the chc, I have been through the process of getting it for Dad and if you want any info please just post and Ill answer any questions as best i can.
With the driving, Dad's driving was shocking but he refused to entertain any idea of not driving. it was only his inability to renew car tax that lead to his car being towed away and I just took the coward's way out and waited for the inevitable to happen.
Bad news from the hospital Dad has MRSA. I got to speak to the consultant and said pain control should be paramount his groin area is still red raw. He did not tolerate the external catheter.

How did today go, Bob ? Sorry to hear about your dad's MRSA. That's not good. Hope he can get it treated and healed quickly now.

Quick question for you wise lot: We have been told that we should be paying for mum's nursing home (£1000) a week from her own money, so that her savings are used up first and we get any help for paying when they are reduced to the limit. BUT.... no-one, not even dad, can access any of her money because it is in HER name and she hasn't got enough any marbles now to sign her name let alone sort anything out for someone else to be able to get to her money. How can we get around that?

Today went quite well, nearly everyone i came across either had no interest in why I'd been away for 4 weeks, or they were supportive.
Still worried my boss might spring a surprise on me :" we need to start a capability procedure "or something like that.
PA I'm sorry to say I'm not sure how to access your DMs money at this stage, but i should think that if you ring the Office of the Public Guardian they will know what to do in this situation. Sometimes people have to apply to be deputies if the person really does not have capacity to understand and sign anymore.

PA I'm afraid I don't know either. I am struggling how to work out how to activate my DM's POA (seems you can DIY for ££ or get the solicitor to for ££££'s) and also wondering if I should or not yet.

DM's carers rang today. She has put the microwave in the garden and cut the wire, apparently. This is because it "wasn't working" Actually, she had failed to remember that she needed to switch it with the washing machine plug, although she tried to tell me it wasn't working. I wonder what will happen next.

PA, I think you need to apply for deputyship - its more complex than PoA, and has an annual fee attached. Good advice in the AS link

Hello all. What a lovely thread. You are all amazing
I'm a carer but for my dp nan. We live in the same Street but are with her most of the time. She's 91 and has poor mobility. I also work nights in a care home but I've just left on maternity. I'm currently 2 weeks away from giving birth to dc3. Ds1 8 and ds2 is 6. So we have a very busy house and although my life is manic I don't really have anyone to talk to.

Hello all. Bob- sorry to hear about the Mrsa. Hope you feel your dad is getting looked after- and glad to hear getting back to work wasn't too bad. Your absence will soon be yesterday's trifle.
Welcome fairy- you have a lot on! Can others help?
Sorry I can't offer much advice re costs- except the council arranged deferred payment for my mil while she was alive offset against their house. We found care homes very understanding about taking a while to pay- the council took over 9 months to pay for 6 weeks costs for mil.
And BTM- oh dear about the microwave. No solutions- it sounds really hard.

PA, my SiL is in the same situation as you because her mum would not sign a POA. It is still not sorted after 7 months and at present the LA is paying the home fees and will claim the money back once it is sorted.

Please don't add that to your list of problems to worry about. They will just take a lump sum once everything is sorted. This is very common.

Well sandwich, Her daughter lives next door and she comes round once a week and hoovers her bedroom. Of course this means the world to do nan. Even though daughter is retired and has more time on her hands than any of us. Dp mum is good, considering its her ex mil. She comes every weekend and helps out, she has been a God send really.
Tbh we like to keep busy, dp is just getting over skin cancer and is therefore out of work so he feels like he's got purpose atm with being with his nan.
She stays in her bedroom as she doesn't have a right hip and the pain from being up and about is too much for her. Our young boys keep her young though and give her lots of company

Thanks for the help re the money. I will look into it. I know that dad will just pay it from his money as he wont like the idea of being in "debt" as he will see it. I think I will get my brother onto it all.

Welcome Mumfairy Yes, this is a lovely thread. So supportive and the fact it doesnt move at 90 miles an hour I feel I can keep up quite easily! Only just found it recently myself - I wish I had found it a few years ago!

It does seem quite "normal" for the family members who do the smallest amount to get the most thanks. It certainly is in our family. One sister lives literally minutes away from dad and even closer to the nursing home. She has not visited the home once - yet she passes the door at least twice a day!! She visited the place before once - mum was there for 6 weeks. But whenever she visits dad is so pleased and tells everyone how amazing she is because she is so busy and it is so good of her to visit. My other sister and I are running round like mad things and manage to visit 3 times a week each. Any thanks? No chance - just get moaned at. Grrrrrr!!!

Hope work is still OK Bob

Thanks for your best wishes PA. And sandwich , i like the expression yesterday's trifle!
work was OK yesterday too (I don't work Thursdays) but my boss wants to meet up next week, so we'll see.
PA the theme of one child who can't do wrong (usually a son) while others run themselves ragged is a recurring one on this thread. It is annoying for sure.
Welcome mumfairy, this is a supportive thread and we don't do flaming, bullying, LTB etc etc on here (don't want to tempt fate though!).

Glad work's not too bad Bob- well done for getting back in! I do love the trifle quote😄.
Pa- hope advice has been of help. Yes we are a supportive lot- no ltb yet but a common theme of s@@@ siblings( who are the golden ones!) a great place to rant!
BTM how are things?

Attitude it is so annoying isn't it. But they do say that people hurt the closest to them. It frustrates me but what can you do, you know in your own mind that you can't do anymore than you are. I feel sorry for her cuz she is the one missing out and I think she'll feel the guilt if anything happened. But she is 60 odd so she should realise.

Thanks for asking, thesandwich! My friend called last night - her DM had popped in to my DM and was really worried about her. She apparently was quite agitated and was going on about all the issues over Christmas/New Year as if they were ongoing, but I think a lot is down to not being able to understand her because of her speech problems. She said she was clean and dressed, etc and the carers went in yesterday morning, so I think she is OK. I will ring the carers today to check though. It does sound like she might have gone down a bit more though.

PA I feel a bit out on a limb trying to do my bit for DM with no siblings or anything, but it would be very annoying to be in your situation.

Mumfairy, it sounds like you are doing loads for your nan as well as having loads going on in your own lives - look after yourselves.

bTM It must be very hard to be an only "child" sorting all these issues out. Well done you. I might moan about my siblings - well, one in particular, but at least the rest of us have each other to share the frustrations with and we also all understand each others frustrations, which is very supportive in itself.

I am supposed to be studying, so just a quick post.

Well, as you all warned me things are not that straight forward with the money. DBro went and tried to sort out with dad what he had where, but it was always my mum who had sorted all financial things in their marriage. Dad has money all over the place and no record and nothing has been done with any investments or anything for the past 6 years and dad doesn't have a clue where money is, how much or who's name anything is in. There is far more than any of us could ever have thought!!!! Dbro is now on a mission to sort out a "deputyship" or something (????) so that he can have access. He is a lawyer himself so I trust him to know what he is up to. He had a lasting power of attorney sorted that could be actioned for him when mum became too ill.......only thing is she had the stroke and things had slipped down so far that it was then too late for the PoA to be actioned. So we are now going to try to persuade dad that he needs to action a PoA for him in case the same thing happens to him and that would leave us in a double mess that we are sorting now. At least at the moment we have access to dads money, which can be used to pay for things, then he will be paid back from mums money as soon as things are sorted.
Not easy is it???? Why is there no-one to guide you through these things? It seems we stumble from one issue to the next with no help whatsoever. Its not as if we have ever had to deal with anything like this before.
I hope you are all having a good weekend.

Ok so I now need to go ant type 1600 words on the issue of fraud. Very interesting!!!

Does anyone on here know the difference between the threshold for care and nursing care in a residential home?

My DM has been in hospital for the last 3 weeks following an UT infection and she also has a growth in her bladder which may or may not be operable (due to her health) but we don't know yet as the hospital seem incapable of getting and anaesthetist to the ward to discuss it. They are also saying that she can't stay in and have her surgery - she'll have to be discharged and wait to be recalled due to a bed shortage even though she had her pre-op appointment on 10th Dec and they said she just needed to see the anaesthetist. Anyway she is not able to go home as she is too insteady on her feet and likely to fall - which has partly been caused by the fact the hospital have just left her sitting in a chair all day for 3 weeks. There are no re-hab beds available locally at the moment, so she is basically bed blocking.

Mum has decided she now wants to go into a care home as she does not feel safe alone at home - even though she would prbably get an enhanced care package if Social Care ever get off their butts and do anything. I have looked at various homes (online) and think she would bebest to go to one that has nursing care as well - even though she probably doesn't need it just at the moment - but this could change if the surgery is a no go. I have read that you pay the care element yourself but the NHS pay the nursing element (around £150pw) for any nursing care you need on top of that. This is not the full continuing healthcare as I understand it. What I can't find out is what exactly classes as nursing care as opposed to just personal/general care.

Have any of you come across this who can advise me please? Finding a home with a space seems to be a challenge in itself and DM seems to think you can just get a place when you want one . We also need to sort PoA so we can move her money around to pay fees and put her house on the market. I'm hoping the NDN would be prepared to sign - to save using solicitors but at the moment Mum os on hospital a fair distance from home so getting the neighbour to see mum is another challenge.

PA and bigblue, it's all so complicated, isn't it? I'm afraid I know next to nothing about the POA. My DM has an Enduring POA set up, but it needs to be actioned and I've just read that it is only for the financial side of things - not sure how decisions about personal care are supposed to be made then!

Hi Bigbluebus. From what I remember with mum, although the what happened and what we were told happened and what SHOULD have happened are 3 very different things, the hospital did a care assessment. that is different from the continuing healthcare assessment, but along the same lines and it was then decided that mum needed nursing care. Do you have a social worker at the hospital who is sorting things out for your mum? If not, that would be my first suggestion, to ask for a social worker so that the assessment can be done and the right sort of care can be sorted for you all.

As for the PoA.... get it in place before things go too far downhill, as we have just learnt to our cost. (literally cost - this is going to cost us £££££ to sort out and that is with a lawyer in the family who will do all the paperwork for free)

BBB I agree with PA- really you shouldn't be having to struggle with this and understand all the complexities of the system and the dfferent care needs and entitlements. I am cynically tempted to say, your DM is "bed blocking" ( charming term!) and so they should be getting on the case to sort it out. Hospitals have a legal duty to enable safe discharges. Ask to speak to the discharge co ordinator/ social worker, ask for your mum to be assessed and one important question I suspect will be what does the NHS/ SS need to pay for, and what will she need to fund herself. Sorry if that sounds a little business like. Also excellent idea to get your mum to sign a POA, at least the finances one, while she has capacity.

Thanks for the replies. I went to visit DM today and she has taken a turn for the worst as she now has a chest infection and is on oxygen and I/Vs so she won't be going anywhere for the time being.
DBro did speak to DMs LA Social Worker on Friday who knew nothing about DM being in hospital but said that as she hadn't used her current care package for 2 weeks it was automatically cancelled and she would have to be re-assessed anyway. The hospital SW who covers DMs area doesn't work on Friday's so DBro couldn't speak to them. Not that it matters now as she won't be discharged in the next few days anyway.
She now has an outpatients appointment for next week to see the anaesthetist re the Operation but the way things are going she might still be in hospital by then.Don't suppose one of the ward staff would take her to the appointment otherwise she'll either have to miss it (if she's still in) or my DB will have to take time off work and drive 180 round trip to take her down 2 floors of the hospital

BBB if she is in hospital it is absolutely within the ward's remit to get her to her appointment. i work on 2 wards and it happens all the time. It might be an idea to ring, ask to speak to the nurse in charge and remind them re DMs appointment so they make sure to take her there.

That's useful to know bob. Will see how the land lies at the start of next week.