Support for those who care for elderly parents - drop in as you need, everyone welcome

[CMOTDibbler]

All of us would rather not be here, but we need to be - with the people who really understand.

That's great someone helped with the AA form BTM. We found it took about 3 months in each place to settle or kind of settle in my Mother's case as she was on a mission to get to Thailand.

Re the care bill there was talk in one place of them sticking a charge on my Mother's house whilst waiting for sale but in the event they waited for a few months.

BTM, a small point but if your mother's house is unoccupied you should sign up to Land Registry alerts.

www.gov.uk/protect-land-property-from-fraud

Its rare but it does happen, and there is little come back.

Is your mother able to sign cheques, and is there money in her account? Till the paperwork was sorted I simply brought in my mum's cheque book and got her to sign so I could pay bills. The convalescent care home she was in was very strict about wanting money up front. I think I have said it before, but if she is willing to sign a third party access form you can have access to her account and your own cheque book within a week. (And presumably to any linked savings accounts if she has them.)

I am having more banking nightmares. She has gone over the £75,000 (or is it less) limit at one bank so I need to open an account elsewhere. 90 minutes of sitting in the branch, and it was still not opened,. Then they tell me they cannot send correspondence to my address, everything must go to her despite me being registered as POA (and despite her being vulnerable and with a track record of giving bank details away over the phone to cold callers.) I made a fuss and then agreed to bend the rules. Then today I get the correspondence. They have set it all up in my name.

I am sufficiently cross to think about writing to the Daily Mail, and asking them to campaign. No one but no one seems to know how to handle POAs. Its small compared to the other problems occured in looking after elderly relatives, but it should not have to be so difficult.

I agree about the lack of staff awareness in banks, utility companies and the like when dealing with PoAs. I have thought about contacting my MP about it.

It is always such a distressing time anyway and staff refusal to help is so frustrating. I have taken to getting everything in writing,making names, detailing dates and minute of calls made, but still it is torture.

The tiniest things are set to try us. I tried to register my Step dads new boiler. I was told I could not do it on the phone he had to do it himself. I could however go on line to do it. Words failed me.

Thanks NMS, I will take a look at that website. My DM can still sign her name, but I think her account has been frozen - that's what the girl dealing with me on Thursday told me anyway. I think I will just have to pay anything urgent and then claim it back when I get POA, hopefully! The girl that dealt with me was very good - obviously knew her stuff. She said that their branch get the most POA business for the whole county and she and another girl do it full-time!!! Sadly the legal requirements scuppered it - fingers crossed I get the POA and can sort it in a couple of months.

Querky, that's mad. I guess you couldn't get a DH/DP/DB to pose as him on the phone?

Which is exactly what I did. Good job we are honest. Same for house insurance, mum's pension and something else. They cannot speak to me, the person legitimately allowed to speak for him, but my OH only has to give date of birth and post code for him and they are happy.

Don't even get me started on their cavalier attitude to losing documents.
" dont know where the form is, that building as 6 floors". Seriously.

Just had a bit of a melt down, and sobbed to DH that I just wanted the phone to ring with someone asking about me for a change. The fact that no one in my family will ever do this now is starting to really sink in I guess. And am rather short on the friend front tbh.

This is possibly prompted by an ill advised trip to a cafe today and seeing all these people with extended families and knowing mum wouldn't even recognise me. Oh, and finding out that dh's parents have gone away for a month and didn't even tell him.

Self indulgent snivel over..

Oh CMOT I am so sorry. [ flowers] it must have been a really tough day for you.
Dh and I spent a lovely morning yesterday with his DF in his nursing home- he seemed really on good form and very with it. In many ways I get on much better with him now than I ever did. Now this evening we had a call to say he has had a suspected mini stroke and dh is over at the hospital an hour away with him waiting to be seen- he cannot speak clearly. Everything crossed.

Much hugs CMOT.

I worked really hard to see the kids and try to have a nice day.. Up and down the motorway to Nottingham after spending the morning supporting the youngest. Dh had a bloody concert to sing in that took the whole day. Can't tell him how cross that made me though.

Had a bloody great cry in the car on the way home though as basically I realised I have no one I could phone just to chat - no relatives really and my one good friend has her own problems, one of which is a phone phobia.

Oh sandwich that is so sad ((( hugs)))

NMS sorry about your bank issues. We had similar with dad.

Sounds like you are happy with what you now have set up. If it's not what you want I suggest you just go to a different bank. They all have their own opinions as to what us " right" ....and ime are all different-😡!

We managed to open an account in just my name in one branch for dad despite them having the paperwork that said 2 signatories over 1k. Now as we get along it isn't a problem, and it makes it simple but it still should not have been done! The paperwork even glad to go to head office to be checked before the account was activated but they didn't stop it. I won't name them!

The Coventry get a big thumbs up. They seem to know what they are doing and do everything by the book, yet were simple and clear. No issues sending everything to me either.

Lloyds were bloody hard work even though his main account has always been there !

With you on the crying, HelenluvsRob. DM didn't acknowledge her card. Tried to take her to DD's concert in the afternoon but she got chest pain just walking 20m from the car to the cafe. Gave her tea and cake, then took her to the loo and it happened again. I'd remembered to bring her morphine with me & had to use it both times. So we went home without going to the concert

Sat with her watching old films all evening, then saw her up to bed. Every night I wonder if she'll survive till morning. Warned DD again how serious it is. She says she gets it but she's 17 so I honestly doubt whether she does.

Sympathy for those going through it all at a distance, it must be much worse

The Sandwich, so sorry to hear that, have everything crossed for you

for everyone else too. It's the first Mother's Day my Mother hasn't been in the country and I couldn't decide how to go about things. In the event I pretended it wasn't happening with regards to her. I'd had a strange day Thursday where I feel a bit detached from everything but have been fairly ok since them. DD had a meltdown about situation Friday which wasn't easy.

Biopsy results due today or tomorrow I think. Am helping a friend prepare her house for holiday lettings this week which will be a good distraction.

So sorry it was such a sad day for so many.

CMOT and Helen, you have us on here to talk to

Sandwich, what a shock - let us know how he is

Auriga, sorry to hear your DM's health has got so much worse - good job she has you to look after her

SugarPlum, I haven't spent the day with my DM for years and years Sorry yours felt so strange

Helen, my DM's bank is Lloyds (maybe that's why they couldn't go ahead with it till I have the registered POA?) The girl that dealt with me was fantastic, but I am worried that it won't be the same when I have to go into my local branch to sort it when the registered POA comes through. Gulp.

Hello all and it is never too early for sorry to hear all the challenges and emotional turmoil- it is so multi layered isn't it? Hugs to all who need it.
Dh got back about midnight leaving fil in a and e. He was discharged back to his nursing home at 5am- who are still concerned as he doesn't seem right and the journeys must have knocked him about so much. So... We will wait and see. Poor chap. Dh said a and e was heaving- lots of children which upset him.
The nursing home are great- very caring so dh feels happier but fil's speech was slurred- that is the one thing he can do, and he gets pleasure from talking. I really feel for those of you whose parents have no speech or make no sense.
POA is a major challenge- we found lloyds pretty good but the coop were awful. Needing solicitors signed photocopies of POA.
And in amongst all this we have dc with their own challenges- and the need to look after ourselves. Hugs to all.

Forgot to say thank you so much for your good wishes. It helps when you are waiting for the phone calls.🙁

I am so sorry CMOT. The friend thing is difficult. I had a really busy decade with one parent dying and another with dementia, plus two sporty children, a full time job and my parents property to look after. When I came through it all I realised I had not seen people, I considered friends, for years. It works out eventually. With real actual me-time I have been able to reconnect with people from school, NCT days etc and the surprising thing is that we have been able to pick up where we left off, and without the gap that divided those with children and those without. This does not help in the short term, though we are lucky to be living in the days of Fb and MN. I also found that when I first stopped work I need to take the initiative. I had not been around and now I was, and it took non working friends a while to start including me in on things. My fault. Friendships need nurturing and I had not done this.

Things do get better. I think the best I have done on mother's day has been cards bought by their dad. But this year DS can home with his gf to cook me lunch. DH had gone to visit his mum (or see Newcastle - Bournemouth, I suspect the latter!) so it was a lovely treat to have them home.

And Sandwich, how awful. And best wishes to everyone else.

I did not have a good experience with Lloyds either. Though did feel sorry for one nice man who spent an hour on the phone to his IT support as he tried to set up the POA on my mum's account. Eventually he had to admit defeat and asked me to come back when he had found a solution to the problem. NatWest were great but that was because they were a sub branch who knew my mother well and were relieved that she was getting the help she needed. At one point they did admit they probably should have frozen her accounts as there were signs her vulnerability had been taken advantage of, but instead worked with me to ensure her funds were safe but accessible. (I essentially promised not to let my mother have access to her bank details so she could not pass them on to cold callers.)

Anyway, and as on my new thread, it looks as if the FCA are looking at banking and elderly people.

I think they would benefit from hearing real experiences as well as the views of banks, charities and other organisations.

www.fca.org.uk/news/dp16-01-ageing-population

Sandwich, good to hear your FIL is being well cared for in the nursing home.

Lloyds are the ones saying they need solicitors signed photocopies of registered POA (they won't accept the certified one) so the account is frozen till it comes in 6-8 weeks

Barclays were a PITA with the POA, Nationwide were great.

Biopsy results back today and as expected she has inflammatory breast cancer. She's getting weaker each day my Brother was saying and they think she's in pain so discussing palliative care with the doctor tomorrow. She's only awake aboiy 3 hours a day now. My nephew is being flown up this weekend and my Brother is going to rent a couple of rooms at the care resort until she's gone.

So sorry to hear that SPT. I hope they get her pain under control soon.

Thank you all for the support during my wobble. Off to Arizona tomorrow for work, and the meeting runs 6am-3pm, so I'm looking forward to getting some sun in the pool which should raise my spirits.

Nationwide have been fantastic with my dad - the local branch keeps an eye on them, even being very careful when he took out a large sum to buy a car and double checking he wasn't being pressured etc

Thank you CMOT. I think wobbles are the nature of the beast sadly. I do hope the sun does raise your spirits.

So sorry to hear the worst news SPT. You must have been waiting for this. Big hug.
CMOT- I hope the sun and the warmth lifts you. Enjoy the small treats of business travel.

I'm working my way through this thread and would like to join in. My parents are beginning to worry me, especially my dad. I think it will be helpful to read what helps you all through your difficult experiences.

Welcome patty! Loads of experience on here- ask whatever you want.

Hi patty!

We are becoming experts I'm afraid here because we have to be. Everyone is so lovely too.

Think dads sliding inexorably downhill. See my other thread - thry put him to bed as he was very shaky and couldn't eat/ drink himself today.

My colleague checked him over but nothing remediable - already on antibiotics for a uti again. ( I'm not sure it is an infection but the home are happier with him on antibiotic and I guess we treat them too really.

I can't help thinking he's lived long enough now and a gentle slide downwards would be the best we could hope for. He's asleep a lot. He can't go out , he can't eat cake. That's not quality.

Thrn I feel guilty about thinking that :(

My mum had a stroke after 5 years in a care home. Despite advanced Alzheimer's and normal body weaknesses of a 94 year old, she was physically In quite good nick.

The stroke was the first time she had to go into hospital since she went into the home In 2011. I admit that I hoped she would not come out. She was just a mindless old lady who had no real life comprehension.

Although it took a long time for her to die, she was very comfortable and well cared for in hospital. She refused to eat but was kept on a hydration drip. I felt relieved when she died, because she always said she wanted to go when she could no longer function. Fortunately she had asked me to help her write An End of Life Plan, a long time ago, so her wishes were adhered to.