Responsibility for Elderly Parents? Support thread right here!

[Needmoresleep]

Several of us are on the same journey. Some more difficult than others, some longer than others, but none easy. Feel free to share tears, rants or laughter with others who will understand.

CMOT, awful.

Are there any options near you. Very sheltered, care homes that keep couples together, whatever. Really difficult to achieve, but can you keep providing the level of support that you have been giving. A bit of research and perhaps a few visits. My experience was that, a bit like a new home, or schools, you sort of know when you have found the right place.

MNS the consultant said that with vascular the decline goes in steps and it would be hard for me to tell as I'm not there all the time. It is hard to know when it started, but I guess at the time of the stroke nearly 6 years ago? The thing is that she has always been a bit odd (bit of a family joke really, but not in a nasty way) so dithery before the stroke too!

CMOT, so sorry you have your dad to deal with too - very exhausting

CMOT I can identify with the sheer drain of a phone call from a needy, disoriented father. Dad is now beyond being able to pick up the phone and ring me. But I still remember with dread the period of about 2 years, when I was getting about 10 per day (when clearing his room of all its junk I found the BT bills to remind me). Or he would ring while i was at work and I suspect think the answerphone message was me, and leave a long rant which would be there to greet me when I got home.
Don't really know what I can helpfully suggest, apart from gritting your teeth and making sympathetic noises. Making having a time cut off before politely ending the conversation? The relationship between parent and adult child gets so skewed when dementia strikes, that the usual adult strategies of negociating, setting boundaries etc can feel like pissing in the wind.

It seems that men with dementia get more aggressive, if only verbally. Is this so?

Well my Dad has Alzheimers and certainly his aggression has at times been very difficult to manage, not to say upsetting for me as his daughter. In fact to cope I have had to stop seeing him as my father. Having said that, all his life he's had a tendency to fly off the handle and get nasty if not getting his own way. Generally speaking, i think it's fair to say men are more aggressive so maybe they just keep that behavioural trait, and it gets exaggerated with dementia.

Sorry to hear CMOT. My dmil who was the most polite person became very agitated and aggressive- calls to say she had hit/ bit staff and other residents. It is a cruel cruel illness.

This is mostly an exaggeration of how dad has always been - he's suffered from anxiety before and prone to angry outbursts, so this is like going back 25 years.
Mum otoh, was always the calmest, nicest person you could imagine. A former nun (its a long story), someone once said the worst she had ever been was slightly irked. Her first symptoms was personality change, and I clearly remember her shouting at 1 year old ds for chewing his cardigan zip - and it got worse from there.

I'm so sorry CMOT, another thing to deal with. How cool to have a mother who was a Nun though.

My Mother is one who has had her personality exposed and exaggerated by the Dementia rather than changed by it.

BTM I think it is likely to go back to the stroke. My Neighbour has had one and I took her out yesterday. Was sad to notice she is definitely having memory issues too, definitely all started since the stroke.

It's my Mother's birthday end of the weeK which feels a bit strange. Guess I could ask my Brother to by something fir her and then ring her.

Sorry to hear how much personality change or exaggeration there has been for your parents.

My DM seems to flap more, but other than that seems much as before though even more in her own little world. The stroke was nearly 6 years ago and the consultant said she was about midway, so I guess that all ties in. 6 more years of it getting worse!

SugarPlum, that's a good idea. Or send her a card? They love getting stuff through the post!

Hello all. Just popping in to say hi as I know we are all dealing with a range of other stuff including teens at various stages. I hope that no news is good news on here and that we can all focus on our other challenges.
Fil seems subdued in care home- keeps saying he will be in trouble for driving yesterday without a licence to pick up Fred to take him to work and Fred will be waiting for him...... Dm seems frustrated but well- little recognition of the balls I am juggling ( especially with dd who is needing a lot of support to get things in place for her gap year) and trying to work!
to all.

The juggling is tough. Its clear Yr 13 is going to be stressful, indeed after our very difficult summer I just feel lethargic. I dont know how CMOT and others keep on going.

My mother is slowly deteriorating. I think she now finds it quite hard to follow conversations, so another thing lost from her life. She has days when she simply does not want to get up in the morning. Its stable and she should be fine where she is for another year or two, but sad nonetheless.

all round

After all the drama, we seem to have reached a new plateau. But I have an absolutely stinking cold and am feeling very sorry for myself.

DS is v happy in his new school, and I'm glad its a long time before we have all the GCSE/A level dramas! I don't think I could cope with that.

Next week I'm off to Texas for a week - whats the betting there will be a crisis while I'm out there?

to everyone. That is sad about your Mum NMS. Not surprised you are feeling lethargic with everything.

Hope DD 's gap year working out ok Twenty ten. Glad your DM and FIL relatively ok.

CMOT, really glad DS likes school and fingers crossed all calm whilst you are away. Sympathies on the cold, I'm brewing one too.

All pretty calm on my Mother front. She told my Brother very seriously not to worry, they will be able to cure erectile dysfunction in 3 years then he can have a child and that she is very disappointed they weren't going to the US last week. He is taking it all in good humour and I know I shouldn't but I was .

NMS, that is sad for your mum - I think mine finds conversations difficult too, especially with more than one person.

Sandwich, good your FIL seems settled. Hope your DD's gap year plans are coming along - what is she hoping to do?

CMOT, glad to hear your DS is happy in his new school, and glad you have a few years till the GCSE/A level dramas!

SugarPlum, what is your DM like?

My DM seems OK ATM. She is looking forward to her brother and SIL visiting next weekend - I don't think they've been up for a couple of years, so that will be great.

That's really nice for your DM BTM

CMOT I'm being a bit slow off the mark here as DS at Middle School so hasn't changed school. Is your DS year 7? If so I will be on the GCSE and A level threads with you as my DS is too.

No, Ds is at middle school too, but yr5 - in this area they are yr5-yr7. First parents evening next week!

I thought he was younger, that makes sense. Hope parents evening goes well. Not many of us left with the 3 tier system. Worked well for DD overall, she is on place number 4 as gone to 6th form college rather than staying at Upper School.

Hello all. Good to hear things are calmish with the elderlies and hope the Texas trip was uneventful on the home front CMOT.
Thanks for asking about dd- after a lot of despair she seems to be getting motivated re studying and has a great tutor for history who has inspired her- she has got an interview for work, lots of work experience offers and is busy designing websites etc. So she's doing ok- we went to see David Starkey lecture yesterday which was pretty inspiring.
So- fingers crossed. I know quite a few of you are wrestling / supporting through the exam years- it is harder than when they were tiny. So and to you all!

Is she in Y13, thesandwich? What are her gap year plans? DD is quite keen on a gap year.

DD is doing History (only just started - in Y12) - she had the most fabulous teacher (who looked like a 70's Open University lecturer, but was young lecturer in a local uni) in Y7 and 8 who really inspired her

That sound very positive TT. Really glad things looking up for her, so hard for them (and us) when things go somewhat pear shaped. I wasn't prepared for how psychologically difficult it can be.

DD is muttering about gap years and keeps emailing me exotic things, her time in Japan has given her major wanderlust, She's applying for jobs to try and get some money to do them.

Thanks Tilly and SPT. She did a2 last year and didn't get what she needed for her course at Bristol and didn't want to go anywhere else. A big shock but we felt she wasn't ready to go- so she's resitting some modules and doing some other stuff.
I do think gap years are a good idea- there is so much pressure on in year 12/13.

I think a gap year could be a genuine positive. 60% or medical school applicants don't get an offer first time round so a gap year is very much on the cards. And would probably be a good thing for DD. She did not want to miss this round given how much is down to chance, but might then approach the university and ask if she can defer. Bristol is her number one choice. Unlikely as no one from her school ever seems to get even as far as interview for medicine. It would be great if she and Sandwich 's DD were to start together in 2016. Fingers crossed.

I am still tired. I'm not even fighting it. I should probably go and see my mum this week but so much of the spark has left her and she won't have any recollection of me being there. She is lucky. People visit, she has a carer she likes and she likes where she is. But as her capacity dimishes there seems less and less that can be done to improve the quality of her life.

I agree. My DD is one of the youngest in the year and could definitely do with some toughening up and learning self-reliance!

NMS, I think quite a few defer once they get an offer. How cool would that be if they both started at Bristol at the same time

I have a date for DM's next appointment at the Memory Clinic in mid-November. It is with the nurse. What questions should I be asking?! And now we have the diagnosis, should I go ahead with applying for Attendance Allowance even though she only has carers for 1 hour twice a week at the moment? She definitely struggles with money and I think it is down to whether the shop assistants, etc are trustworthy, but she doesn't want an escort when she goes shopping!

Sorry, I have ironically forgotten BTM - did they start her on any medications? My Mother had another medical issue going on when she applied so that came into it as well as needing supervision for taking her Dementia meds. you need someone who knows what they are doing with th form. An OT helped us first of all. It got refused but a charity helped us appeal amd then it was agreed. I think Age UK could help.

Sorry to hear you're so tired NMS. I can relate to that at the moment . My Dad visited and brought a cold with him which has made me feel quite wiped out.

Evening all. Sorry to hear you are feeling exhausted SPT- you have had a relentless time. If your dm will not remember why visit? Please take care of yourself. Year 13 will take a lot from you! It would be amazing if our Dd's both end up at Bristol!!!
We can really see how dd has been affected by the pressure of the past few years at home and academically. I can see her recovering her own momentum and also love of learning. Plus trying stuff herself!
I second involving age uk in applying for attendance allowance- they know the system. Take care all.