No idea about elderly care - clueless! Please help?

[PoppySeed2014]

My Dad is in his 90's and lives at home with my (much younger) Mother.

He's got bad back pains (two vertebrae crumbled a few years ago) which are making it excruciating for him to sit up in bed once he wakes.

He's also clearly got some dementia - very slow decline over the last 5-10 years. Very gradual.

I don't know how to help them! Their gp doesn't seem great and my Mum doesn't like to make a "fuss" but is exhausted from caring for my Dad.

My Dad is very reluctant to see medical professionals etc. Stiff upper lip etc.

It's just so incredibly sad and depressing and I'm lost. My Mum would be happy for me to call social services etc on her behalf, but who do I call? Where do I start?

My Dad is ok in himself most of the time. But so doddery, shuffles about and is very prone to falling. Goes up and down the stairs many times a day. He'd HATE to see himself like this and I know it's a dreadful thing to think, but I almost want him to did peacefully rather than get any worse or have to have a lot of outside help that he'll find distressing.

I'd be so grateful for any help or advice. Am an only child with small children of my own and I'm overwhelmed with sadness and frustration.

[whataboutbob]

Deep blue IMHO it is important to make sure the arrangement works for you too. Try and ensure you carry on doing the things you enjoy and have your own space as much as possible. Talking of space, my dad is also a horrendous hoarder, made worse by dementia. I know that when. He is no longer at home I am looking at renting skips. His 2 garages are like something our of a horror film, and I fear that Environmental Health will have to be involved. His garages are the embodiment of all the burdensome decisions he was never able to make ( junking his parents' old broken chairs for example).

[melanietillman]

Your dad clearly needs help and you should start exploring long term care services now. It's hard to take care of old people much more if they have cognitive condition like Dementia. This will take a toll on the health of family caregivers and you've mentioned that you're mom is already fed up from taking care of your Dad. If you don't intervene now, then this stress might lead to something serious. I would advise you to seek the help of a care professional and figure out what's the best care setting for your dad. I understand that he's reluctant to see medical professionals but with your help and showing your concern about him might change his mind. To help you get started, here are some websites that can give you ideas regarding the different long term care settings that can provide proper care to your dad and make him feel comfortable: longtermcare.gov/, www.ltcoptions.com/ and www.aplaceformom.com/senior-care-resources/articles/caring-for-elderly-parents. I hope these things can help you find the proper care and assistance for your father.