started new school (indie from state) and teacher has said DS has...

[stillenacht]

'a bad attitude'.(Apparantly because he didn't do a presentation piece of work for homework we didn't know anything about). (He has just completed a massive project in which he worked really hard - he has never done a project before).

DS is 10 - In his former state primary he was never a problem to the teachers (DH and myself are teachers too in GS school).All his teachers said he was a pleasure to teach. I am gutted. He is upset and angry.

We have transfered him to local indie school (mixed ability school - not massively academically selective,in January) and have put him down a year as academically he is weak. We think he is finding the work ok. However he is finding it difficult to settle into his new school as we took him out of his year 6 in his state primary which he loved but myself and DH just couldn't bear the thought of him going to the local schools (which we have taught in) into year 7 so we thought we would get him into the indie and give him a year and a half in the primary section before he moves up to the senior school (assuming they will have him). He is a good boy. We have saved for the last 4 years to be able to do this and are going to remortgage up to the hilt.

Parents evening is next week - feel gutted really and sad for my little boy. He really wants to do his best and try even though he is not hte brightest of the bunch. His old teachers always used to say how helpful and mature he is.

How sad for your son and how horrible of the Teacher. You need to speak to them before it becomes more of a problem.

If worst came to worst could you move him back to the state or is there no going back.

I think a lot of private schools have to justify their fees by piling on the homework so that parents feel satisfied their children are being stretched?

Maybe I am talking rubbish but private schools near me are homework crazy.

Who has the 'bad attitude'? After one piece of missed homework early in his first term?

Perhaps at parents' evening you can discuss your son's attitude, the teacher's attitude, and the best way forward for all of you. It doesn't sound as if your son has a real problem there, and maybe the teacher made an unthinking remark. Perhaps you can all agree to start again now your son has had a chance to settle in and learn the ropes?

I suspect there is a difference of expectation here which will need some adjustment. The school could be more supportive but at Year5 , or even earlier, there is a level of independence assumed which may nto be requried in a state primary. ie to diarise homework so you can check it is being done, turn up with correct kit and equipment unprompted, and punishments can seem harsh to get the point across. The teacher is wrong to label him for such oversights but you may need to highlight that he isn't used to the same level of self organisation as other pupils and may need some tolerance and reminder. However you also don't know how he has reacted to this teacher when challenged. Having come mid way through the year it is possible you have also missed out on the meetings and handbook which would detail what is expected fo your ds and you - do you have a Form Rep you could contact and ask what you should know or where to access such info?

Sorry to go against the grain, but surely if a child simply doesn't do a piece of set homework and doesn't give any explanation of why - like not having time, or not being able to do it - then the teacher can only assume that he has chosen not to bother, and that is showing a bad attitude?

Why did he not do it? If he doesn't know what to do with a piece of work like that, perhaps because it's not something he's had experience of before, then he should be telling the teacher that there is a problem, not just ignoring it and hoping no-one will notice.

Is he feeling demotivated having been 'moved down' a year, do you think? Something like that can have a huge effect on confidence, especially if he was expecting to be near top in the lower year (there's such a big overlap in abilities by year 6 that's unlikely to happen). I would try & give him lots of extra help & support.

Are you sure it's the right school stillenacht?? Could he go back with his mates to his old school, and then move across later once they all go to secondary.

Did the teacher say that to you, or to your son,could it have lost something in translation.I know my ds is very sensitive to any criticism and would concentrate on the worst aspect of any conversation.Could the teacher have just pointed out that in future not doing homework could indicate a bad attitude or have said that he wouldn't want him to have a bad attitude?

could you email or call the teacher or just pop in at the end of school,just say you were confused by the story could he clarify what had happened and how could you make sure the homework gets delivered in future.

It sounds to me as if you are scared to speak to the teacher direct because the school is independent,all mine are at independents ,the teachers are very approachable and will be pleased to get you onside and sort out any problems in my experience.AS an example ds3 came out of school yesterday upset at being told off ,on digging deeper it didn't sound too serious but I just popped in and had a word and the teacher explained what had happened...all sorted .

also it is alwaysworth letting the teacher know if ds is very upset because it may be that he is hiding this at school,in independents at this age they are usually having different teachers for different subjects and the teacher may not know that he has taken it so much to heart.

thanks all for your responses. We have parents eve next week thank God so will chat then. He has had a massive shift as he lives quite far away from the school (furthest in whole year group) and has to get minibus to and from school, has left all his friends from previous school, has to leave house at 6.45am and gets home at 5ish (whereas before it was 8.45-3.30) and then has homework every night. He is not good at organisation (his work and his written ideas) and probably didn't write down this homework - she he should be told off but I have asked the teachers (and will repeat this) if his book could be checked (there are only about 15 in a class!) when homework is given out so that its legible (I do this and have 32 in my class of GS, ie bright, secondary pupils!!).

I def want to work in partnership with the school (am a teacher - know what I mean ). Feel sad that he has been told this when his morale and feelings about the school are already pretty poor. Oh well will sort it out with all the other things to do next week eh?!

Thanks again all xxxxx

I really wouldn't leave it to parents evening if it was me,they tend to be fairly rushed affairs at times,although we had a lovely one last night and if the teacher involved was not his class teacher and you only see the class teacher at parents evening they may not be able to give you immediate answers.

In addition if the teacher really did say this i would want to get to the bottom of this asap and agree a strategy to help him ,five minutes at parentsevening may not be enough for this and may also be a bit public depending on your school

Perhaps I will phone t ohave a chat with teacher concerned as have had info back from the school tonight and we are not booked to see her (despite requesting to). Will phone and have a chat with her (or ask if she has an email address to resolve the issue).

Thanks again all.

He said he saw her today and did his presentation (he did it last night) and that it went 'ok'....well typical boy eh?! No elaboration on 'ok'...

Would he really be that badly off staying in the state system, even if he's not 'the brightest of the bunch'? DH's cousin put his DS in independent school. He wasn't a particularly bright boy, but no worse than average or a bit below. (Massive personality though - good lad.) He spent the whole of his time at school in 'remedial' sets with the point being hammered home that he wasn't bright and wouldn't achieve. He wasn't remedial as his standardised scores were always over 100 (i.e. average). I always felt he would have been far better off in a 'normal' school where he would have been treated as 'normal' rather than an under-achiever. (And his uselessness was doubly hammered home as his older sister was superstar headgirl achiever, top of the class in top grammar.) Food for thought ...

My DSs scores are usually lower than 100 (in fact his highest was 99!). He was treated as an under achiever in his highly academic state primary (regularly gets 40 out of 45 into grammar schools - not down to the school but MASSIVE tutoring and Kumon pushing since reception imo however ). He was in the remedial group in reception at the state primary and continued all the way up to year 6 in the same vain - it really is the only option. He is a very late August birthday and in fact in his new school there are 3 others OLDER than him despite the fact he is out of year group (year down). I would have loved the option for him to stay down a year within the entire state system but not an option . Would have saved us loads!

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Did your son get any say in this? I am not surprised if he IS feeling rubbish and demotivated. You took him out of a school he enjoyed, with his friends to 6.45-5ish days. Was it because the other school was too academic? why wait 'til now then? Gosh, he's probably just exhausted.

I am a teacher too - so is dh. We have taught in several challenging inner city schools and tbh have seen children from all backgrounds succeed there. Why are the schools so bad? Is it the Kent grammar thing?

Think you need to talk with your son about what HE wants (and if he wants the teachers to like him, he'll have to do their homework). Or do what bloss says and make sure you get what you've paid for

Sympathy to you all. It's a big move for your son, and I imagine it's very different for him. My DS is in Y3 at a prep, and are expected to organise their own homework (too soon, I think, but that's another discussion!)

With a bit of luck these will just be teething problems. I hope your son settles soon.

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I think the word 'bad' is out of place and unprofessional for a teacher to use. It's very negative and not at all helpful, not a solution-oriented term. Imo, a teacher should be focusing on the positive and trying to engage parents in finding helpful approaches to any problems that arise, instead of sticking labels on children () and running the risk of alienating parents.

I agree with that too - 'bad attitude' is ridiculously unhelpful. And I'm sure your son is lovely and just needs some reassurance. Really, I think Bloss is right. You DO need to get what you pay for- fight for him (am not just being facetious).

(FWIW, my parents asked me aged 5 if I wanted to move up a year or stay. I chose to stay, and still think it was the right decision. Agree of course that you are the parent, but wondered how much control he is feeling over everything... am sure you discussed it...)

have read thread and I am not a teacher... I am a parent of 6 kids 5 in education

my take on this is

1. RIDICULOUSLY early for the scool to be making any sort of judgment on your ds Stillnacht.

1. IMO The problem is just that state V private at that age is very different. Our high achieving state primaries do not push or work the children in years 5 and 6. They seem to lol from one day to another and none of my first three children had more than a handful of homeworks during their entire time at primary (aside from reading)

Sometimes I wonder how the schools achieve what they do and half of me thinks it must be pushy parents and tutors. The privates in our town however -DO make children do structured work at home in the evenings.
Parents pay the school to pass the 11+ and private secondary exams.

DS sounds like he is thrown in at the deep end and feeling a bit lost/in shock. The 'attitude' displayed is the ten year old boys coping strategy. No one wants to say 'it's all a bit much' / 'couldn't face it' / 'forgot' / 'not used to all this'

This instead when confronted with the issue of why the work was not done he maybe shrugged - even sniggered etc he is 10 !

I would talk to the school now and iron out this 'glitch' I really think that is what it is - he has been there a matter of weeks

Adair - Stillnacht is doing what she hopes and believes is the best for her boy

adair x posts with you

I think it's one comment. Perhaps the teacher just had a bad day or your son was tired and was a bit rude. Not a big deal at all. Water off a duck's back. If my children mention something like that - unfair teacher which happens a lot as teachers are human I usually just say may be you were pretty rude to them or perhaps the teacher had a bad day. It's just one comment.

More importantly is to get him keen on the school. Has he had friends round to the house for example at the weekend even if it means quite a bit of driving? Is he likely to play on any sports teams? Perhaps through his hobbies he can get keener.

Some parents moan to schools far too often. If in doubt say nowt.

talking about a 'bad attitude' is un-professional (and very old fashioned imo!)

Not very heartening at this early stage...

I don't agree with Xenia that you should say nowt on this issue. Your ds has had a major culture change and he must be exhausted with that extremely long day. He is not an adult so he doesn't truly know or understand the reasons you had for this change which are good adult reasons. So your DS therefore needs the school to be extremely sensitive to his need to be nurtured to settle in to this new environment.

Wanted to add, Stillenacht, that I think you and your DH are fantastic parents. You are obviously doing everything you can possibly do to make sure your DS gets the best education he can get, and are willing to make sacrifices to do it. I admire you enormously, and I'm sure the teething problems will not last. My guess is that in another year's time, he will be very happy.

He has had his new school and routine for what half a term. It is a massive change for someone so young. I

would explain to the teacher what a change it has been for him and how he was viewed at his last school (I assume the new school do have a report from the old one).

It is early days and it must be really really hard to leave a school that he has been with presumably his entire educational life and go somewhere so different. Hopefully the new school will see the son you know but I think it will do no harm to point out the changes to his teacher.

I think MollieO is right.