I think I'm wasting my money sending ds to a private school. I need some help please.

[scrooged]

I can't see the difference between a state school and the one he's in. The classes are small but the lessons are being disrupted by some unruly pupils. They keep moaning about ds because he's joining in with them. I'm getting so annoyed that I'm paying for this. The work he's doing is no different to a state school, he's very bright and whizzing through it. I really don't know where to go from here. We could move and get a bigger house in a nice area with a nice school and save the money I'm spending on the fees. I feel like I've made a huge mistake moving him there but he's fairly happy. ARGH!!!

Then you are jumping ahead of yourself aren't you?

You are assuming that he will be blamed because there's some naughty boys in the class, and he's laughing with them.

This might not be so.

Don't build up your defensive case before you've even had the meeting! They might say they are really pleased with him and explain if and why they think he should carry on with the card.

Listen to that.

Ask about the other boys - she may bring this up.

Don't panic yet!

He's not participating, he's (so he's said) trying not to laugh and is holding it in as he doesn't want to get into trouble.

He does sometimes see the chart, not always, he does tell me what's been going on when he has not seen it.

There are more then 3 messing about, they rotate (IYKWIM), dares to be rude to the teacher (which ds does not approve of), throwing things, shouting out (NOT DS).

The chart isn't doing anything that a sticker at the end of the day won't do. It is also more discreate (sp?), he only liked the sticker on them .

Maybe I am jumping the gun. I think I'm so anxious for him to get on well there I'm assuming the bad. I should have more faith in him rather then the doubt I have in the back of my mind. The charts do say that he's not been disrupting them (apart from the odd occasion where he talks when he's not supposto or doesn't stick his hand up, it really is less then once a week).

but then again, if so many of you thought badly of him from my old threads and expected that he was the one causing problems and disruption then this isn't good, despite him being alot better behaved now. He can't win!

So, there we go.

She probably wants to talk about how he's doing, and about whether she thinks the chart is useful, and worth carrying on with.

Listen to that.

Don't assume the worst, don't assume it's all a disaster, don't fire back about these boys. Do mention them though, as they are of concern to you.

I'm sure you will find a good way forward and that it'll be helpful. Listen WELL though.

Thanks

Sorry but there are alot of posts on here telling me that ds is the problem and I'm ignoring it and referring back to very old threads when he was a problem. I've had to write many times that it is not ds that is a problem any more, I know this because I can see it for myself. I am being defensive because assumptions have been made that the problems I'm having now are all caused by ds now because his behaviour is still as bad as it was before. It matters to me because I am asking for advice on where I can go with this. I'm not trying to protect him, just give you accurate facts so that I'm not misleading anyone into thinking I'm viewing my son or the school in the wrong way. I can't get the right advice if the facts are not right yes?

From scrooged - "I've had to write many times that it is not ds that is a problem any more, I know this because I can see it for myself."

But I think this is precisely the point that others have repeatedly tried to make. You can't see for yourself how your son behaves at school, because you are not there.

I don't want to repeat what's already been said. Go into the meeting with an open mind. What the teacher says may be very different from what you're expecting. Try to engage positively with what she says.

She was just being defensive I think, because she's worried about what they will say and so leapt to the worse case scenario. It's quite natural. Hopefully she now sees that what she imagines to be bad, might not be so and the meeting will be constructive.

It's good for him that you are so "on his side". It's good in a sense that when he's at home he can have one to one attention "on demand", but reading between the lines your ds has detected a chink in the collective armour of the adults who deal with him on a daily basis, namely you and the school. The chink is that although you keep saying on here that you are working on certain issues with him/ such and such a behaviour doesn't happen anynore because you "know" about it/such and such has improved etc etc., you are perceived by your ds as being ultimately defensive about, and excusing and condoning about his behaviour. As a bright boy he will see and understand that this equates often with not supporting the school (eg they are described as "moaning" about ds rather than disciplining him as they see fit in their educational GROUP setting.

This chink, I'm afraid to say, appears to be doing your ds no favours at all. Your meeting at the school should of course be a dialogue but as others have said, LISTEN to what they say, and try not to appear so defensive. It will help your ds more if you can be like this than if you carry on comparing him favourably to the naughty boys and making excuses for him.

I'm not angry. I think I sent him there with unrealistic expectations. I am annoyed that he still has this chart, however, I do not know if it is only ds who has one. It won't kill him to keep it but it won't do anything for his self esteem either. I really don't care that he sneezed twice during the carol concert, I know that he didn't hand his homework in. There are far worse things that he could be doing but whilst I think this, maybe I'm the one that's not helping him.

I can see for myself because it's all written down on the chart! They send me a copy each week so I know if ds has been honest with me and can go through what he could have done instead.

I see your point alphabetsoup but I always support the school (apart from the sneezing during the carol concert , there wasn't really anything I could say about this). It doesn't help anyone to give ds mixed messages and I don't think he will respect his teachers if he thinks that I will laugh off some of what they have reported. I don't condone his behaviour however I am being realistic when I say I don't expect perfect behaviour all the time. He does get told off/punished when he misbehaves. I find it unacceptable if others learning is disrupted.

Thanks justabout. I didn't think of it this way. I keep remembering the lack of help he had at his old school, there was no support, no guidance, no input because the head had just written him off, it has changed the way I see things.

I think I should talk to ds about how much they have done for him. He thinks the school is better then his old one though so I'm the one with the problem.

I think one of the hardest things about being a single parent is not having another parent to bounce ideas or query concerns with. Instead you have to try and work it out all by yourself. That is especially hard when you do something which you believe is for the best and it doesn't work out exactly the way you were expecting. You have no one else who takes the same interest in your child as you.

I would approach the meeting with an open mind, be prepared for negative comments and work out a way of going forward that works for you and the school. If there are a number of issues I agree it is better to try and deal with a few at a time rather than everything all at once. I am sure the school has seen all this before and will have some good ideas of what should be done. I really don't think moving schools again is an option as that would unsettle your ds even more.

Thankyou so very much for your help. It is really hard as a single mum, I did try to talk to his dad last week about it, all he had to say was "I don't know". Very helpful. . I do expect them to say he doesn't work well in a team, there's 2 of us here so I'm assuming he can either be bossy and take over or not share so I am expecting this.

I was planning on saying that "ds is easily distracted by other children who are behaving in a silly way, is it possible for him to sit near some of the quiet ones?"

I do really appreciate all of your posts. They have really helped. I should see them in a different light and not tar them with the same brush as the old school, it's partly why I moved him after all.

Thankyou.

It's Ok. ds has taken on the other 'adult' role though so feels the need to 'look after me' and make me drinks. I think this is part of the problems he has, he doesn't think he's a child. It's the effect it's had on him that's worse then anything else. He's a good kid though, he's really caring but I don't like the way he wants to take care of me. It can be hard knowing what to do for the best so it's alot of trial and error which doesn't always work. I do tend to let things be and hope for the best, then worry about whether it is the best.