I think I'm wasting my money sending ds to a private school. I need some help please.

[scrooged]

I can't see the difference between a state school and the one he's in. The classes are small but the lessons are being disrupted by some unruly pupils. They keep moaning about ds because he's joining in with them. I'm getting so annoyed that I'm paying for this. The work he's doing is no different to a state school, he's very bright and whizzing through it. I really don't know where to go from here. We could move and get a bigger house in a nice area with a nice school and save the money I'm spending on the fees. I feel like I've made a huge mistake moving him there but he's fairly happy. ARGH!!!

The three he told me about were the ones who were not causing the problems.ds isn't disrupting the class bar the odd joke/shouting out an answer which isn't all the time, it's not even every week. I am working with him as I don't find all of his behaviour appropriate. The problems he's having at this school are not the same as in the last school. He's not answering the teachers back, he's not having a problems understanding others, he's not having a problem making friends. The move has done him good, however, he's beeing held back by the boys in his class who are being silly. ds has enough restraint not to join in but not enough not to laugh at them. It's not dejav ou in any sense of the term. He did have a problem in the first few months of starting the school, I have worked with ds to tackle them so they no longer exist!

I am working with ds to tackle any aspects of his behaviour that are causing problems for his teacher but to be honest, there are more badly behaved boys there so it's making it hard for me when he see's all of this going on.

Ds is at a state school and in top groups. The behaviour is excellent. There was a problem with one of his subjects and I spoke to his head of year. It has been investigated, support given to teh teacher, monitoring put in place and the parents of teh children informed. No problems now.

I am amazed that this sort of behaviour is allowed to go on without anything being done. I would be extremely annoyed if I were paying private school fees.

I wouldnt move him again though. I remember your last thread and I think you need to deal with the problem rather than shifting him.

He should be able to resist laughing and joining in etc. In ds's state school it was only the boys causing the trouble who laughed and messed around - all the others just got on with their work quietly.

I was looking for ds to have a fresh start from the problems that he had in his old school seeker. He has improved in this aspect, I expected for him to have work that was for his ability and to spend more time focusing on subjects other then maths, english and verbal reasoning. I expected a smaller class so he would have more attention from the teacher. I didn't expect the bullying he has recieved or the problems in the class.

He is only laughing hercules. He's a happy child who will laugh at anything remotly silly but he's not joining in. He's told me he doesn't want to get into trouble so he's trying to be more responsible for his own behaviour.

The trouble is from a teacher's view point the laughing is often just as bad as the behaviour being laughed at because it encourages further misbehaviour and adds to making the class unteachable.

Sorry I haven't seen any of your other threads. Why did you move him from his previous school?
Were there specific issues that you thought his current school would address?

I suspect this is only one cause for concern form the teachr . Remain open to whatever you are told on Wednesday, rather than defensive, and use btm's advice. Specific targets (maybe even an iep) for him to work on may well help but don't allow him to achieve one then lapse while he works towards the next. I'm afraid you do tend to come across as one who looks for external reasons for your ds' issues - the old Head disliking him, the other boys distracting him, unchallenging work - whilst the common denominator is your ds. Agree if he is to remain at the school he has to adapt to their expectations, may be you also need to clarify what these are and determine if he can and is willing to do so.

I am trying to sort the laughing out, he's trying to hold it in (so he says) so he's technically laughing with his mouth closed so not to make any noise. I may try and explain that his friends (they would be his friends!) will get into more trouble if he laughs at them.

Hi Litchich. In ds's old school, a new head took over that didn't like ds's behaviour. He has been constantly improving yet he offered no positive action, it was more 'ds is opinionated and selfish and should be sent to a strict boarding school so they can sort him out'. He was a deeply religious man, I didn't like his constant catholic teachings. I don't mind criticism but it's helpful to work out a way forward rather then write a child off after spending no time in the class or no time getting to know ds. ds is full of life, very bright but is caring.
I hoped the new school would give him a fresh start. He doesn't have any of the old behaviour, he did have problems making friends so he probably did come across as uncaring. He's had social skills training that we were doing whilst he was at the old school but the head couldn't look past his own opinions on ds. I have since found out that he has a strong dislike of single mothers (this was from an old teacher from the school) and he wanted to fill the school with children that were quiet and hardworking so didn't cause him any problems (this was from the old teacher aswell).

He has been sent home with a chart which documents his behaviour in every lesson during the week since October (as I said, he did have problems settling in). I have seen for myself what he's been up to. There is mostly shouting out rather then putting his hand up, which I have given him an incentive not to do and he's getting alot better at, this is now practically not at all. There are comments like ds' was badly behaved during the carol concert. I was there throughout, he sneezed twice and smiled because I smiled at him (a sort of it will be ok, don't worry smile). There's alot of ds didn't do homework or had to repeat it, this is about once a week, sometimes twice. There's a 'ds tried to use a stick as a gun', which we have spoken about, there's a 'ds wanted to draw a picture after completing his work' which we spoke about, there's a 'ds fiddled with his pencil case' which we spoke about. I'm not making excuses, he's doing things that annoy the teacher, he has done things that annoy the teacher but I always teach him why it's not appropriate and it gets sorted out.

Scrooged early on you say they gave him a report card because they don't like 'his personality.' Now that just can't be true, can it?

I must admit having read and talked to you on your other threads, I do agree with seeker and LIZS. It's great you are going for a meeting, but do try when the teacher says 'he is disruptive in class' NOT to say, but he's very patient and kind at home. When she says 'he won't wait his turn and shouts out' try NOT to say 'oh it's because he knows the answer you see, we are working on this.'

I know you think you are being reasonable, and you are, and are always quick to say you are working with ds on things, but we all know as parents that sometimes we don't see the wood for the trees. Perhaps he is different at school than at home.

In a way top of your list for this meeting is: Listen to the teacher, and believe what she says.

And then take it from there?

I am going to listen, I do know that I am only getting half (or sometimes not even half) of the story from him. I expect him to be less then frugal with the truth, he's a child and still learning. He has always been a funny misfit. I can see this being difficult in a classroom setting. I know that home and school have no bearing on each other, at home he has one-one attention when he wishes, whereas at school he's competing with 14 other children. I'm not expecting him to turn up tomorrow and be the model child as I don't think this is realistic yet it doesn't help if there are a few in the class who are messing about.

They gave him the card (it's not a report card, it's more of a teacher writes what he's been up to, positive aswell as not so) because he was having problems settling in, not because of his personality. I'm not making excuses for the way he behaves, however, I can see why he does things and I know they are not done out of the intent to disrupt the class.

I don't see the difference between laughing and joining in. Laughing IS joining in, in this context.

No it doesn't help that other children muck about, it doesn't help that yours mucks about either.

Why do you think you are wasting your money? You've said he's settled, he's happy, he has friends. So that's good and an improvement. He's a bit slapdash about his work - lots of 9/10 y-olds are.

Is it a waste of money because it isn't perfect?

I can't believe the school find it difficult to discipline a class of 15 9 y-olds to be honest. I think he might be covering his tracks with you. . . .

I know exactly what ds is up to because it's all on the sticker chart! I don't think he's covering his tracks, he's telling me 90% of what he's doing at school, then the chart is confirming it all. He's not mucking about in class, there's now the odd occasion where he's talking/forgets to put his hand up, this is it.

I think I wasn't expecting for him to be bullied the way he has been. He's not the only one this boy has been violent to though so he's not been singled out in this respect. I wasn't expecting the class to behave the way they do. It isn't just ds telling me this but other parents are telling me aswell. I've been expecting too much havn't I!

by odd occasion I mean 1 lesson a week, sometimes less.

Sorry, I missed the bit about the bullying. Hang on, will go and look.

I agree, justabout. I wasn't quite brave enough to say - I just skirted around in a feeble way.

I think that even 3 children messing about is too many-if they are doing it on a regular basis. If I was paying for education I would expect it be better than state schools-not worse. There is no point having a very small class, if 3 of them are messing about and interrupting lessons.

If the misbehaviour were so infrequent it wouldn't be such an issue - the fact that it is suggests there is much more to it whcih hoepfully you cna leanr more about with the teacher. However on this particular issue he needs to understand that by participating to any extent he is being disrespectful to the teacher and his classmates who want to learn, just as the other misbehavign are ot him. He is equally culpable and it is a collective responsibility to behave well.

Also remember you are having the meeting because the teacher asked you in because you wanted to drop the card.

That's all you know really. It's not like you've been summoned it because everything has gone pear shaped.

I don't think you've expected too much really. Don't be down hearted but be open-minded.

IME teachers do know how to deal with children! They do! They get short shrift often on MN, but actually they can give very practical and thoughtful advice and insight.

I can't see the bit about bullying - did I miss it?

Sorry, can I just make it clear that ds is not being disruptive! One occasion in one lesson once a week or less where he doesn't put his hand up is far from disruptive. If he were such a handful I would be the first to seek an educational psychologist report.

He has problems settling in at first which have resolved themselves. I have recieved no comments via the teacher or the chart to say that he is being disruptive. ds is telling me himself that he's laughing (quietly) at others when they are being silly. The chart was a good idea at first but has served it's purpose so I don't think he needs it anymore. If the teacher still has problems with him that I don't know about then I will work with them to resolve them, however, it will be difficult if he see's others behaving badly as he will feel singled out. I'm not taking ds's side, I know how his behaviour (at times, not all) can be really hard work but I have recieved no comments from the school since October or on the charts which indicate that ds is a problem for them. I know that if ds needs help or support I will be kidding no one by not admitting to it, it will not be in his best interest either. Yes, he's larger then life sometimes but he does know how to behave and what the consequences of bad behaviour are.

The bullying's on an old thread. I can post it if you wish but he's been thumped/kicked/had hand trapped in a door/hit in the head by one child. This is getting better now though (hopefully).