I think I'm wasting my money sending ds to a private school. I need some help please.

[scrooged]

I can't see the difference between a state school and the one he's in. The classes are small but the lessons are being disrupted by some unruly pupils. They keep moaning about ds because he's joining in with them. I'm getting so annoyed that I'm paying for this. The work he's doing is no different to a state school, he's very bright and whizzing through it. I really don't know where to go from here. We could move and get a bigger house in a nice area with a nice school and save the money I'm spending on the fees. I feel like I've made a huge mistake moving him there but he's fairly happy. ARGH!!!

oh scrooged - i do feel for you - its awful when you think you are doing your best for them - take comfort that your boy is bright and bright kids will do well wherever they go ime (my DS is not academically 'with-it' shall we say...). Is there a good state option where you are?

What were your reasons for sending him there? If he's happy that's a good sign.

This sounds bad - he's getting into bad habits and is unstretched. Whether the school is state or private doesn't sound too relevant (except to your bank balance). I'm a bit concerned that you refer to the school 'moaning' about your ds - if he's disrupting the class, it sounds like a good idea to tell you about it? Are they trying to communicate too informally? Maybe ask for a formal meeting and a new start - perhaps even a change of class? If he is happy there it seems a shame not to give it a chance before moving him again.

No, the local one is dire, all the rest are full because of the new houses that have been built over the last few years. ds is a square peg and they assured me that he'd be OK there before he started. They have had him on some sort of sticker chart since October though because they don't like his personality yet there are so many mischievous boys in his class he feels singled out. He's said alot of them mess about/throw things in class etc, he's been bullied aswell. It's all going pear shaped. I've got to go in on Wednesday because I've asked them to ditch the chart as it's not helping.

he's very bright but he's a either love him or hate him kid IYKWIM. A lovely, caring boy but gets told off for trying to help other kids.

Is he year 7? Some chn need a bit of time to bed in if they're the 'love him or hate him' type.

He's fairly happy but feels like the teachers don't like him. I moved him there because they had a change of head at his old school that was a bit of a fruit cake. ds is loud at times, he's always happy and cheery anyway, he will sit and work quietly if it's quiet but gets loud and silly when other children are like this. I get comments on the chart saying he told a joke/forgot homework/had to repeat homework because he didn't write enough rather then complaints about his behaviour yet she still uses it (it was ment to hep him settle in). I'm not sure what's going on. I have very little contact with them unless I send in a note, I'm getting sick of it because his teacher never seems to pay attention so I sent one in saying he was becoming anxious due to the chart which is why she's finally arranged a meeting.
He was disrupting the class, this is new behaviour though and I have worked with ds to sort it out but the other boys are still doing this.

He skipped a year at his old school and has returned (so he's repeating). He's year 5. They all seem so immature (which is normal for their age?????) so he's copying them, then I'm getting comments on the bloody sheet about it. He was told off on Thursday for going to the toilet whilst getting changed for swimming, he couldn't close the toliet door so the other boys could see, he was told off for flashing his bits! He won't even get undressed in the same room as me at home.

Are you Avenap, Scrooged?

Move house.

There are great state schools around. And once he's older in secondary, if he's bright he'll be in top sets so that'll help.

He may be relatively happy, but you're not - you're throwing a lot of money at something and getting a very poor return I'd say!

I am scienceteacher. I'm asking for advice before I jump in this time and blow it . Admittidly, ds can be one of the unruly ones at times, however, he tends to 'feed' off others, if they are quiet he's quiet, if they are shouting and throwing things in class he's trying hard not to laugh. I know you hate parents like me by the way.

Moving house does sound very tempting violethill. Our house is very small as it's cheap and in the city centre. The open space of the countryside would be good for him.

Tricky though, because rural schools aren't necessarily going to be the best.

It's a sad fact that the best schools will tend to be in the most expensive areas.. and these can be cities sometimes.

You need to look at each school on its own merits though

It just goes to show that just because you pay for your child's education, they don't necessarily receive the best teaching. Yes they have smaller classes and often have better resources, but I think the best teachers are usually in State education.
I would move and get him into a state school.

I wouldn't pay and put up with disruptive pupils! Complain! I complain with the state system if disruptive children are stopping my DCs from learning. If I was paying I would expect them to sort it out- or I would leave.

sorry but iirc this isn't a new problem as previous school had highlighted issues. You can certainly expect the school to discipline the others as they are your ds, if he is participating, but you also have to make him understand that he does not need to nor should he join in as it isn't acceptable at any school. Endorse whatever system the school applies to (ours has recently introduced behavioural report carsd for each lessons for the most disruptive) rather than just treat them as moaning - if you can nip it in the bud it will be to everyoen's benefit - and see how it goes. Whatever school you choose unfortunately there will be an element who lark around at times and he needs to realise that playing to it is not good.

From the sticker chart that he has had since October, there isn't an indication that it is ds causing the probem. They normally comment that he works well or has forgoten homework, there's the odd 'ds forgot to put his hand up' or told the class a joke, which we discuss and he doesn't repeat. He laughs more then joins in, however, he will be noisy if the class is noisey IYKWIM. He's not a naturally quiet child so finds this a challenge but it isn't made easy for him when the rest of the class is being noisy or silly. I've only got him telling me they are noisy so I should hear it from the teacher as boys can be frugal with the truth.

It really is difficult to get him to be quiet in class if the class is noisy.

I think you need to think hard about the type of school you want for your ds. Independent schools vary. You don't get the right education for him just by paying for it. He is very bright, and you complain that "the work he's doing is no different to a state school", but there is no reason why it should be in all independent schools. There is a pretty wide cross section of children even in that sector in terms of ability. If you want the high octane academics then perhaps you need to be looking at a highly selective school. If you want the tight discipline then you need to be looking for that (and accept the "moaning" about your own son's behaviour that might accompany that).

And I've never met a "love him or hate him" child. They all have good and bad points. Don't assume the teachers have a down on your ds just because they're letting you know about instances of poor behaviour.

It is a selective school and in his class they are streamed for some lessons (they get maths in groups of top/middle/nearly there). He's at the top for everything and rarly gets anything wrong or struggles because he's so advanced, it's almost as if he's repeating some of the things he's done before because they don't know what he's done before. They had a big intake in September so the year has been split into 2 classes so there are some who behave well and others who don't. Tight discipline is good but I don't consider a sticker chart with 'ds didn't hand in his homework' to be a discipline in class problem if you can see where I am coming from. He does normally tell me what's going on in class and what he's done. I think I could be part of the problem though, ds is polite, caring, helpful and rarly gets loud at home. I doubt he's got soo much of a split personality that he's a little sod at school and not at home with me. I know he has all my attention (well, some of it split between cooking etc) and he has respect for me so wouldn't dream of misbehaving and I don't have a problem with him telling jokes (at the right time). Maybe I'm giving him mixed signals as I'm letting him be a boy and be funny when it's appropriate. I do tell him not to do this in class because it's not the right time and disturbs the teacher/others and I don't consider his behaviour to be bad. He's not shouting out now, he's not disruptive or violent. Maybe he thinks it's OK to be like the other children at school because he thinks it's appropriate because they are all doing it rather then waiting?????

It's so hard being a mum.

I'm not sure how your ds can 'forget' homework. Not sure what happens today at that age but when I was at school we had to write our homework in our prep book and have it signed by our parents. It meant that we knew what h/w we had to do and so did our parents. Forging signatures worked for a while but you'd always get caught out at parents' evening so I never bothered.

If he doesn't have a prep book and forgetting homework is a real problem then why don't you suggest a school-home communication book where the teacher can write the homework in it and you can check what needs to be done. We have a reading diary for my ds (in reception) where his homework is written and we comment. Seems to work well and means he doesn't have to try and remember what he has to do.

If my ds participated in bad behaviour, even if he wasn't the instigator, I'd want to know about it and expect it to be dealt with. Some children play to an audience so if your ds is one of the audience then he is one of the ones who is encouraging that behaviour. I also think that describing the teacher's comments as 'moaning' indicates that you don't see it as a problem. If you don't and you think the teacher has it wrong then I'd arrange to see his teacher with the head of prep and/or head teacher to try and work out a way forward.

Forgot to ask why is he repeating a year? If he is that bright why hasn't he gone on to the next year in the new school rather than repeating the previous year he did in his old school?

Just read your latest post. Behaviour at home and at school can be completely different. I have a friend who has been struggling with her dc as behaviour at home is perfect and at school is the exact opposite. She struggles because her child seems to act so completely differently at school it is hard to know how to deal with it. My ds is the opposite - exemplary at school and saves his worst for home.

He has a homework book but the homework he's set is rarely due in on the next day so it's all over the place. Sometimes he completes it at school and hands it in there so I don't see it, sometimes he has to repeat this as it's below standard. He will often just write 'maths' so I've got no idea what the homework is or when it's due.

He did tell me he was laughing with his mouth closed (trying not to) when another boy was throwing a rubber around the room. It was in a lesson with the head so it ended up in the bin. I did tell him it was disrespectful and rude. I see his behaviour as sometimes a problem for his teacher as he can distract the others, I am trying to encourage him to wait until playtime before he starts the jokes. I don't think he'll ever be a quiet child who the teachers forget that they are there, I can give incentives, encouragement,tellings off etc but I'm not convinced that his nature will change completely. He's not behaving the best way he can though because he can see others being far worse. He wouldn't dream of doing half the things they get up to but he will laugh.

He's repeating because they wanted him back in his age group.

He's fairly sensible around sensible people, he fitted in well last year with the older children as they were more mature then his old class. I think it was a mistake to move him back as the maturity and behaviour just isn't the same.

Based on what I have been reading for the last year or so, it may be better for everyone for him to be in state school. He does seem to have trouble fitting in in 'the system', and being moulded by it.

If his behaviour in lessons is disruptive, it is not fair on the other pupils who are also having their fees paid by parents.

When you sign up for an independent school, both parents and pupils are signing up for a particular ethos. While a pupil may struggle to adapt, the parents should be 100% supportive of the school. If it is clear the pupil just doesn't fit in and it is not in anyone's best interests to persevere there, then the parents should work with the head to place them in a school more suited to that pupil's individual needs.

It's not ds though scienceteacher. He has changed so much through being in a class with older children, he's not the same child as 12 months or even 6 months ago. I feel like he's taken a small step back by moving back into his age group as he's learning from them. He's not disrupting the lesson besides a joke (only one in one lesson). He's not distracting the teaching as the other boys are more then capable of doing this without ds's help. He's watching and letting them get on with it whilst laughing to himself.

You weren't happy with the last school either, scrooged.

I'm not surprised that things have turned out the way they have, tbh.