I think I'm wasting my money sending ds to a private school. I need some help please.

[scrooged]

I can't see the difference between a state school and the one he's in. The classes are small but the lessons are being disrupted by some unruly pupils. They keep moaning about ds because he's joining in with them. I'm getting so annoyed that I'm paying for this. The work he's doing is no different to a state school, he's very bright and whizzing through it. I really don't know where to go from here. We could move and get a bigger house in a nice area with a nice school and save the money I'm spending on the fees. I feel like I've made a huge mistake moving him there but he's fairly happy. ARGH!!!

There's only 15 in the class. I've asked him who the boys who don't get into alot of trouble are, he said there's three of them (oh, and him of course ). There is a homework club after school so he can do 'supervised' homework there but to be honest, the vast majority of work he has to repeat is done in the homework club! He doesn't listen to me unless I get annoyed about what to put in his homework as 'he knows what the teacher wants'. This penny hasn't dropped yet, despite him having to re-do it or him getting extra marks for the work I have asked him to change.

I agree about his need to be accepted. It took him a very long time for him to make friends at his old school, he found that being funny helped him make friends so I expect it's carried on. We did talk about how he could make friends and change himself when he started. He does tend to attract the more 'lively' of friends which makes him just as lively. He has a fun personality, always has, it's just not good for his teacher. I have tried to get him to calm down as best I can, he's got it 99% of the time, this is an improvement.

I really appreciate you all helping. It's just me and I find it so hard knowing what to do sometimes. I find it easy helping others on here but problems of my own I worry about and don't know what to do.

I'm a single mum, he's an only child so has give himself an adult role (wanting to make me a drink when he gets home from school etc). He is very caring but he's confused this with him being an adult, hence his need to help others at school.

He's lovely at home. Patient, quiet most of the time, helpful however I recognise some of his behaviour from school but this is because I know why he's done it. I don't give him all my attention at home, I will talk to him when I have the time about what he wants to know but I won't indulge any bad behaviour, it won't help him in the future. He knows he needs to conform, no one wants to employ someone who can't work with colleagues. He does have a habit of taking over group work, I think it's because he knows he can do it all so it's quicker if he does it. We are working on this though.

Yes, the boy I know has single mum and much older sis.

I don't think his mum indulged bad behaviour either. Because he (like your DS) has no-one to compete with as such at home, the school-type behaviour doesn't happen.

Lively kids are drawn to other lively kids, so I doubt changing schools will help him as there are lively kids in every class

When you go in, is there any chance of you observing through a window or something so he can't see you, and so you can see just what his behaviour is like?

No, we sat in the library last time. I used to sit outside and listen in his last school but I can't do it at his new school. I have to drop him off outside, he goes in alone then I wait outside (away from the building) so I don't get the opportunity to earwiglisten. I have seen him in the homework club though, he's always sitting and working quietly, then he spots me, grins and waves. It's quite sweet really.

There was a very lively boy at his last school who we meet occasionally. It makes me feel good that ds isn't that bad. I am very tempted to pop a tape recorder in his bag .

Do you think maybe a male role model in his life would help? Maybe connected to sports or cubs or something. Have you got any male friends or relatives that could help out a bit?

He goes fencing (when I have the money to take him) and it's full of men. There are male teachers at school. It's a shame he's not in the other year 5 class as there's a male teacher. He goes to play with my friends son who's a couple of years older, he gets on OK with his stepdad.

I suspect from what you've posted that your dc is anxious to fit in and therefore thinks that by getting the class laughing or grinning at him then he's winning them over? But they are probably not laughing with but at him, sadly, and others will be merely irritated. And of course if he's loud too, then he stands out more to a teacher than the child who instigates the disruption in the first place, because they know where the line is & your ds doesn't.

Personally, I would be loathe to move him unless you found another school that totally 'got' your ds and offered either enough TA support for him or classes in social skills - and not many do that. You have made a sensible decision to get him a 1:15 ratio.

The next issue is you feel he isn't being pushed yet, conversely, he spends much time redoing h/w and as his teacher, I would find gauging his true attainment quite hard if he didn't produce his best work on paper. You, ds and his form tutor need to get on top of this if he is going to get the most out of being at this school.

Can I ask how academic is the school? % pass-rate, where they gone to after leaving etc?

It has a high GCSE rate, all of the a level leavers have gone to University (medicine, politics etc). It's a good school (i've been led to believe), I just don't think they get ds or they are trying to make him into a quiet, hard working child which I don't think is going to happen without him becoming very seriously depressed and anxious.

He's a really lovely kid but the clowning around spoils it. Admittidly, he doesn't do it alot, there are worse children in his class. I do know that he has alot of friends because he'll talk to anyone and has the same hobbies as some, he gets stopped on the way home bu someone wanting to meet him on the online game they all play. He probably does stick out more then the others so I should help him blend in and see what happens. He's rushing through the work he can't be bothered to do, I can see this. He does it at school aswell.

Why is he rushing through the work? Is it too easy for him? If so then that is another thing to raise with the school. Not that it can compare but when my ds was refusing to do homework because he knew it I had to remind him that unless he did it his teacher wouldn't know he knew it (if that makes sense). I also reminded him that the quicker he was able to show the teacher what he knew the more interesting work he'd get.

Does your ds do any activities or hobbies that stretch him? My ds is learning the piano at school as they recommend it for helping with concentration. Frankly I'm amazed at how well he is doing at that and he has even been asked to play in assembly.

ds had lessons at his old school but because this ones more expensive I have not managed to sort them out yet. He is a very good player and picked it up really quickly.
He tends to work really well in Maths and english as he enjoys it. All the other subjects he scrimps at. He does know a lot of things, alot more then the rest of the children in the class but doesn't make any effort. I do tell him that he needs to show them what he can do but he wants to do other things instead. He rushes it to get something else. I think it's too easy for him, he say's it's OK.

It does sound as if it would help your ds, and hopefully his behaviour, if he had more challenging work to do. I really hope that Wednesday's meeting helps.

thankyou.

right, I need to talk about:
The chart and why she feels he still needs it
Any behaviour in class that is causing her concern that isn't on the chart
The behaviour of the other boys in the class
His work.

I think you also need to refer back to the last meeting - what plans were made following that - what has worked and what hasn't. As some other posters have said, you need to be include any positive points as well as your concerns. As for the chart, it doesn't seem to be working so I'd ask for suggestions on what alternative could be instigated. Also worth finding out what level he is working at - is he the brightest in the class or are the others of similar ability.

she's said they are a mixed bunch. ds is in the 'top' of the class group. I had to send her a note last week (which is why she wants the meeting) asking if we could tackle just one aspect of his behaviour at a time rather then her send home a sticker chart with lots of 'problems' on it, maybe the one which is causing the most disruption and for her to maybe give him a sticker at the end of the day if he had not done whatever it was, this way I would know and could talk to him about it, he doesn't have a chart and feel singled out and we all know what we are tackling. Then we could work on something else once the first one is sorted. The sticker chart was not coming home until the next week aswell so it was hard trying to discipline ds for something he did 4/5/6/7 days ago.

You need prompt feedback on behavioural issues, a week later isn't any good at all. What is his reward if he gets a completed sticker chart? Is it a sufficient incentive at his age? My ds has a sticker chart and his reward for a completed chart is a head teacher's award (big sticker and a trip to the head's office).

From the school, nothing except for the sticker. From me, half an hour after homework and tea on my laptop playing the internet game with his friends.

Sorry, have been out playing in the snow

You are right to ask to tackle just one thing at a time or maybe two.

Get them to write the targets positively - X will try to put his hand up to speak in class rather than "don't shout out", or x will try to work quietly, or x will try to present his work as neatly as possible, etc. This helps him to know what he should be doing, rather than thinking about what he shouldn't be doing!

Also his targets should be visible to him and the teacher at all times - then she can easily remind him what he should be doing, even non-verbally, and he should be (and he should be able to self-assess) told whether he has acheived that target for that session. A little tick chart would be good, so he could bring it home.

Once he has mastered that target, they can give him a new one

"He's said alot of them mess about/throw things in class etc, he's been bullied aswell. It's all going pear shaped."

I think that you are tackling this from the wrong place. You have already said that you are trying to sort him out but it is difficult because the others are still doing it and it is difficult for him to be quiet if the rest are noisy.
He sounds to me like a typical boy. He isn't the ring leader, but he will join in with bad behaviour or laugh at it.
I don't think he would be a problem at all if the class was under control. I would tackle the Head about the general behaviour. I find it difficult to believe that you are paying for an education that is being disrupted by poor behaviour-especially when it is a small class.
I have had a class of 32 today, they most definitely do not throw things, and if they were messing about I go through the proper channels. They know what is appropriate in the classroom.

The key words are "He said..." (ie DS).

Not just 'he said' science teacher. I have heard from another parents with a child in ds's class that her son has had problems with behaviour that he's never had before and has found it difficult to settle in. I would normally be sceptical of ds but when other parents say this then it's likely that ds is telling the truth.

Thanks all

It's all deja vu, scrooged.

You moved him to escape these issues (not to the school advised by the former head), but they seemed to have followed you.

Why did you send him to private school? What were you hoping for?

I would guess the answer would be a dream.

pm I think it is an exaggeration to suggest the class is out of control - a handful of boys play up , a minority, and scrooged's ds joins in because he feels the need to be part of that group for whatever reason. If he were able to identify more with another of the dozen or so boys there he probably would n't. Yes those 3 should also be being dealt with but scrooged needs to focus on her ds as btm describes or he probably won't change. It may well be the case that the behaviour is worse in some lessons than others depending on whether they see the teacher as a soft touch, the work as easy or it is less structured.

It does sound like a not very good school - and as if you just assumed that private schools have to be better than state ones. Some are-some aren't. But both my children are in state schools, and their learning has very rarely been disrupted by unruly class mates.

I really think you need to stop assuming that your child is in the right and that the school has to adapt to him, and start insisting that he modifies his behaviour so that he can fit in to his environment. The fact that the problems seem to be following him suggests that they are coming from him, not the school, and its him who should change. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I've been on here long enough to have been involved with discussions about your ds at his last school, and nothing seems to have changed.