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Original poster

Should I keep my daughter at her private school ??

152 replies

mummyloveslucy · 31/07/2008 16:29

I'm really not sure what to do about my daughters schooling. She is 3.5 and in a nursery linked to a private girls school that goes from 2-18 years. She really enjoys the nursery and we love the school. We had planned for her to stay there for the juniors at least and hopfully she would pass her 11+ and go to the grammer school.
She has a speech disorder and co-ordination difficulties, and we don't know wether she will later have difficulties in reading/ wrighting. The school she is at is very accademic and is in the top 5% in the country for exam results etc. I'm not sure now wether it is going to be the right environment for her. She would benefit from the small classes but is 1 teacher to 15 pupils the same as 1 teacher and 1 assistant to 30 pupils ?
I really want to do the right thing for her but I'm not sure what that is. She absoluitly loves music, so she might do very well in that area.
Would it be fair on her to take her out of the school she loves and put her in to a good state school? She is quite shy in large groups of people.
I know that is she didn't go to the private school then she could have music lessons etc.
What would you do ??

OP posts:

stealthsquiggle · 31/07/2008 22:21

Marmaduke - SALTs should indeed go into private schools - it is an NHS service and nothing to do with the LEA - but the fact is that a lot of PCTs say they won't/can't and get away with it

seeker · 31/07/2008 22:26

The problem for me is that I can't see beyond the pant-wetting incident. I wouldn't want a child of mine to be at a school where that could happen - so I'm afraid I find it really heard to understand why you have any qualms at all about moving her!

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 31/07/2008 22:29

I've said a lot worse to her after she's wet her self before.
I am ashamed of myself for this. I've said in an angry voice "Oh for christ's sake Lucy not AGAIN". I guess this is a lot worse than just saying "not in my class thank you".

OP posts:

MarmadukeScarlet · 31/07/2008 22:29

ScummyMummy · 31/07/2008 22:33

Lucy may love the head but if I were you i would hate her. She humiliated your tiny daughter for having an accident. She is a cow. Move your lovely kid somewhere where they appreciate that she is a fabster,

TotalChaos · 31/07/2008 22:37

if you have any state schools in your area with language units attached, ask to look round those and what sort of support they would give to a child with your DD's speech disorder (and whether they would take a kid with her sort of problems).

If you aren't paying private school fees you will be able to afford regular private SALT.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 31/07/2008 22:38

Thanks ScrummyMummy.

OP posts:

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 31/07/2008 22:43

Good idea totalchaos, I'll look into that.

Scrummymummy- like I've said I have said a lot worse to her in the past, or just huffing while changing her. I don't meen to be such a cow, It just gets me down sometimes. It was a lot esier with nappies.

OP posts:

ScummyMummy · 31/07/2008 22:45

mums snap sometimes, mll. But headteachers shouldn't in that situation, They really shouldn't. I honestly think it means you're looking at a pretty shite teacher. Move her somewhere nicer.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 31/07/2008 22:52

Well she will be in her class in september so I'll be able to see what she's like and how Lucy responds to her. If her confidence suffers in any way, then I will take her out early.

OP posts:

ScummyMummy · 31/07/2008 22:59

Would it be worth seeing if you can get her a place somewhere else first? You will get the odd crap teacher in every school, obviously, but I would rather my kid faced one at a bit older than 3 personally. You know, i think that good state schools are sometimes better with the quirky ones who don't do stuff to a timetable. Not always, but I would go and explore all alternatives in your shoes.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 31/07/2008 23:02

Yes I will go and see a few. I have her name down for our local primary just in case.

OP posts:

seeker · 01/08/2008 06:25

We all say things we shouldn't to our children - we all snap out something angry on occasion. But the relationship we have with our children is very different from the relationship teachers have with them.

Maybe sometimes teachers can be excused for a cross word, although they are professionals and should be able to control themselves. But this wasn't an angry moment - it sounds like a deliberate policy, and how this woman always deals with "accidents". And if Lucy, like LOTS of children her age is prone to accidents this is going to happen a lot.

Don't wait til you can see that it's damaging her confidence, move her now. Just because you've set your heart on this school for your child, and it was right for you, doesn't mean it's right for her.

LIZS · 01/08/2008 06:58

You say the nursery have been supportive but isn't this in a tiny group of 6-8 or so ? How big do the classes go ? When she has to sit and look at whiteboards for whole class work she could yet get lost unless it also gets reinforced individually. You've also posted inhte past about how they haven't always worked with and helped reinforce what the SALT has said. You really need to find out if and how they are prepared to cope with L's issues. Many will pay lipservice to a SEN policy but then not support it well.

One little boy was "managed out" of dd's school as it got to the point where he was isolated and could not learn at the same pace and he is now thriving in the school with the unit. He now has a statement, although still in the mainstream class, but probably would n't have got that at the private school. I suspect what your niece observes is the extremes which may coexist in any school, but the staff may be more clued up to handle it appropriately there in both SEN and NT children so bad behaviour has less of an impact on the more reserved. The fact that they play together is imho a positive step towards acceptance and tolerance.

LIZS · 01/08/2008 07:01

oh and as for the wetting , you pay this woman to be professional . Mums can resort to all sorts of exasperation , yours is opretty mild!, but she should take it as a matter of course in a preschooler and not scold for an accident.

arfishy · 01/08/2008 08:19

Have you spoken directly with the school about your DD's needs and asked how they are going to support you?

Did the headteacher make her stay in wet clothes for the duration of the lesson? Or just say 'not in my class thank you' in a brisk voice and help her go and change?

I have to say in a nursery environment (or the first few years of formal schooling tbh) I would be very unhappy with this - your DD is only 3. I have found that nurseries attached to schools do seem to have much higher expectations than standalone ones.

Please don't forget that YOU are paying the school. If your DD isn't suited to the school then she's not a failure and nor have you failed her - she's just not suitable for one particular school and there will be many others which will be perfect for her.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 01/08/2008 09:53

When she said "not in my class thank you", she then walked away and Lucys own teacher changed her. She wasn't in her own class when it happened, she was doing some transition.
I had been trying to potty train her for ages without sucess, it was my mum who eventually trained her with a strict no nonsence approach and loads of praise for sucesses.
My daughter is quite trong willed and does seem to like and respond to a no nonsence approach. I think I can be a bit too soft and she will do do whatever she thinks she can get away with.

OP posts:

rebelmum1 · 01/08/2008 10:08

Can't you have a chat with the school and find out what they are prepared to do for her and help her? I'm sending my dd to a private school and the activities and the care they provide alongside the education is second to none. They are interested in the individual child and their skills and abilities. They may do more activities, and more practical learning methods. Find out how they teach and how they will help. If then you're not happy with the answers look elsewhere.

LIZS · 01/08/2008 10:10

But the implication of what she said is she did it deliberately, even defiantly, which isn't the case with an accident. Given her coordination problems this may actually have a physical cause, she may simply not recognise the urge until very late and have the control to hold long, or knowing the attitude of this teacher been too scared to ask even when/if she did

The extension of this is that she may simply not want to have children who are unable to conform in her class. L's response to her strictness may be out of fear and worry rather than respect which imho doesn't bode well. I think you really need to consider the attitude throughout the school as progress is, or maybe isn't, made at the pace demanded and whether it really is in her best interest to be under pressure so young.

Litchick · 01/08/2008 10:11

at teachers reaction to acidents. At my dcs independent school the receptioners regularly come out in thier PE kit following weeing, pooing, sicking ( insert appropriate option).
If it were me I would make an app and lay it on the table with the head. Ask outright if this is the right school for a child with your daughters talents and difficulties.
Some indie schools acan cope perfectly well with SEN some don't have the resources.
Academic schools tend to be only able to help with mild dyslexia etc...
Our school, for example, has dealt very well with one child diagnosed with ADHD but has struggled with a child with hearing difficulties. Said child is not being 'phased out' but the parents accept that it is not the best use of their money and are looking for somewhere better suited with a language unit.

seeker · 01/08/2008 10:12

I'm sorry, mummyloveslucy - but a no nonesense approach from your mum or moments of exasperation from you are NOT the same as a deliberate policy of cold humiliation from a professional. But I suspect that you have already decided that you want your child to say at this school for your own reasons, and you really want people to agree with you. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic.

rebelmum1 · 01/08/2008 10:12

Just read about the wetting incident, I'm not so keen on that I'm afraid bit disciplinarian, especially in a really small nursery class with a child of 3. I'd look at all the options available to you in the area.

HonoriaGlossop · 01/08/2008 10:14

agree with every word of your last post, LIZS

What's your current plan on what to do, mummyloveslucy?

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 01/08/2008 10:14

Yes, I'll go and see them in September. They do tailor the lessons to meet everyones needs. This is excellent (according to ofsted). They have good systems in place for identifying those who might need more help. I just need to ask if I'll have to pay for this help.
They teach Lucy through music which she loves, they really are doing so much to help her.

OP posts:

rebelmum1 · 01/08/2008 10:14

I remember being terrified as a child because I had to go into a class where I couldn't suck my thumb. It was so frightening as I had no real control over it, I'm all for a gentle transition and a sympathetic approach when children are so young. I don't think it's good for them to be oppressed.

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