Would private school suit a quiet DD unhappy at state primary?

[letterboxes]

i am debating whether to send my DD7 (only child) to private school and wondered if anyone had experience or thoughts on whether it might help a girl like her.

She goes to a small state primary which has decent results but all the normal problems (34 in her class, narrow focus on maths and English, a few in each class with severe behavioural issues). She doesn’t enjoy school and regularly says she doesn’t want to go, if asked why she’ll say it’s boring but I’ve observed that it’s knocked her confidence and she is really not herself there.

She is very confident outside of school and able verbally, everyone assumes she’s really smart but all her school reports say she is average across the board and very quiet. She doesn’t struggle socially. I just feel she is not living up to her potential, and of course want her to like school. Earlier at bedtime she said really forlornly, “I’ve just realised most of time is spent at school, and that is so depressing. It’s like being in prison.”!!!

I went to see a local private school and loved it, I told them about my daughter and they gave me several examples of quiet underperforming girls whose confidence they built when they arrived. Of course they would say this as they want my business! However it was a lovely place and I had a gut feeling my DD would feel happier there, I think simply having 20 kids rather than 34 in her class and the broader curriculum would be game changer.

We are not wealthy enough that we can do this without implications but do earn well. We have around £30k savings, £150k household income, but a large-ish mortgage on our house.

Would you do this if you were us?

The only people we know who send their kids private are people with proper generational wealth. We both went to state school, and are the first in our families to go to uni, so no grandparent contributions will be made!

My shy ds was at a small state primary in a lovely village and was happy there for years R &1-4. In years 5 and 6 he was bored because the teachers spent a huge amount of time focusing on SATs and bringing the weaker pupils on. By the end of year 5 he was angry, frustrated, miserable. Learning nothing.

I looked at a number of different independents and he had a few taster days. He came back from one specific school, very enthusiastic. I also liked that school, and while I am a single mum and earning a fairly average salary, I was able to make it work.

I think schools and children vary so much, the best thing is to consider each combination on its individual merits - culture, intake, facilities, ethos etc. Let your dd try a day or two and then compare notes.

Thank you, love this. I haven’t mentioned it to her at all because I felt it might be confusing for her but perhaps I should take her there to see how it feels from her pov.

We moved DD2 for year 5. Not for the same reasons, but it definitely is less boring to have a proper timetable, subject specialist teachers and a fully equipped school. And not doing SATs takes the pressure off English and Maths. It isn't that they don't cover the same content, but they don't spend ages drilling it into the whole class to try to get a few borderline pupils over the line.

I'm a bit sad we didn't move DD1 as she was so bored at her state primary.

State primaries do seem content to have average pupils. They don't have the time or resources to work out if your child has more potential. We found out that DD2 isn't average from an ed psych. But her private primary tests all pupils with CAT4, so they would have got the measure of her very quickly, even without an ed psych report.

What you’ve described sounds encouraging, @letterboxes - but if you’re preparing to pay fees for a school I would encourage you to visit more than one. You need to have seen a handful at close quarters so you can make informed comparisons and identify issues and questions that might not occur to you otherwise. (Even if logistically only one or two might work for you.) Never make such a commitment from a position of relative ignorance.

Also, make absolutely sure to investigate the financial viability of any school you’re interested in.

I'm generally positive about private education, as my dds are thriving in a prep, but I think it could be quite tight on that income. There will be extras on top of fees (lunch, trips, clubs), and fee increases are usually higher than inflation. I would try to find out what the percentage increase has been historically (without the VAT) and calculate how much it could be in future years.

I would also agree with visiting as many schools as you can and not only consider the local private - many schools have their own bus which can open up options.

The lack of SATs is a positive but many preps will have the pressure of 11+ instead! So think ahead towards your secondary options and look at the destination schools of the primary. At this stage of her education it's a good idea to look ahead at the secondary schools and, if it is academically selective, work backwards towards the prep that prepares for those secondaries.

Thank you, yes this is a very good idea. I will take a look at a few. I checked out the finances of the one I’ve looked at so far and they are very healthy.

Thank you, this is very helpful. The one I like has a junior and a senior school and isn’t selective. But I will definitely look at other options before deciding.

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I think you need to think about secondary school options before deciding this, also if there are other primary schools.

You could be back at square one so to speak with an even unhappier DD in four years.

Would say to look at non selective x selective private schools would not have suited my children or my family x

Not every private school is better than every state school so it's always a case-by-case decision rather than answering your thread title with a simple answer, but having read your OP I would move her to the private school in a heartbeat. If she's not having a stimulating and interesting time at primary she'll be miserable for the next 4 years at least. It's close enough to the start of term that you could probably get her into the new school this week if they have space. Although yes your income is such that you will notice the loss of disposable spending money, it's plenty enough to afford this if you keep your lifestyle expectations modest. You can revisit whether there's a reasonable state alternative when she's approaching y7, y9 and y12 if you wish.

The one I like has a junior and a senior school and isn’t selective
The Junior will encourage you to apply to their Senior. It won't help prepare for other Seniors. They don't do SATs or other external/impartial assessments.
Upshot: you won't know until GCSE how your child is doing, and if your money was well-spent.

regularly says she doesn’t want to go, if asked why she’ll say it’s boring
Life can be a bit boring. You have to fit into the world, it doesn't fit round you. Learning how to amuse yourself can be a good skill to acquire.

I just feel she is not living up to her potential
Yet you want to send her to a non-selective?

Where do you live? Which county?
I’d pick a girls school over Co-ed If going down the private route.
I wouldn’t dip into savings for private school and I’d make sure you could potentially continue for the child’s education as otherwise could be back to the same point.

Alternatively look at another state school.
Any outside clubs? That will help.

Thank you, you are correct that we will really notice the money side - that money would likely have been used to overpay mortgage or for savings rather than for holidays, cars etc. as we are into living quite small and sustainably.

When I tot up the total cost of private school I am thinking about the opportunity cost mostly in terms of losing financial freedom in our 50 and 60s once she is done with school, though in reality I think we'd still be better off than most people, so long as nothing untoward happens with our jobs, health etc.

I agree with life being a bit boring sometimes and needing to get used to it. But, having worked a lot in state and private schools earlier in my life, I am just aware that state schools do have a lot of downsides. The most serious downsides in my opinion are the relentless teaching to the test, poor behaviour of other students and lack of quality arts, languages, sports etc. tuition.

The school I am looking at is perhaps better described as "moderately selective". It's not the super academic option (I don't think she'd like the pressure and am not completely sure she'd get in).

Thank you. I am thinking we'd always be at least a year ahead in terms of fees - e.g. always have a year of fee runway in the bank just in case.

I have wondered about girls schools - we are near Cambridge so there is St Mary's, however I think it is religious and we are not.

I am not keen on moving to another state - I chose this one very carefully and believe it to be the best state option.

You're near us. We didn't look at St Mary's for the same reason.

Do you mind sharing thoughts on any of the other independents in/near Cambridge?

Have you factored in annual fee changes e.g inflation, plus secondary is usually more expensive. Then other costs like uniforms, trips, etc.

Not sure how easily you can find this out but has the school always have small class sizes? If it’s a recent reduction then I’d be concerned about the schools finances and if it may be closing before the end of your daughters education.

If you’re still happy you can afford it and don’t have any concerns about the schools future then to me it sounds like a no brainer tbh OP

I don’t live near you so I can’t recommend the one I was thinking about.

However, another way to reduce fees is to work at the school 🤣 not sure what your job is. However my sister did it that way around as you can get huge savings (she wasn’t a teacher) so something to consider (maybe)

what schools are you thinking? Cambridge only or kimbolton/bedford?

Be careful to make sure you’ve looked at fee increases at senior level too. There’s a massive jump.

i think private school often fits the middle of the road kids best. They get stretched more I think.

I would do anything to try to improve my child's happiness and confidence. Being an under-confident adult is a real handicap to have. If you do move her to this school, just keep an eye on her happiness and confidence. Don't make her stay in a place where she isn't happy.

Smaller class sizes will do her better than a large one, and perhaps they might not have as many difficult pupils. A few from the nearest independent school turned up where I was working, a school which was considered good with difficult children.

Nonselective doesn’t mean it lacks aspiration for students, it just means it caters to a wider range of ability. I have two of very different abilities/ needs in a nonselective and both are very much stretched in different ways across academics, sport and special interest extracurriculars.

and a lack of SATs doesn’t mean they don’t look at individual performance. At dc school students are assessed in a standardised way 2x per year and included in school reports / parent consultations. The difference is that school is accountable for individual rather than group performance - much more tailored and the class doesn’t spend all of year 6 revising content at the expense of new learning.

I looked at Kimbolton when we were choosing primary and really liked it but it's a bit far from us (as is Bedford) so realistically I think our only options are Cambridge schools.

Yes this is actually not a bad idea! Do you have any idea how much they reduce by? A friend of mine got 50% off their kid's fees at the Perse (the most elite Cambridge independent).