Ex refusing consent for son's private school bursary place

[Jonson2024]

Can anyone help?

My son (4) has been lucky enough to be offered a really generous bursary at a private school about 15 minutes from us, which would cover him for his whole education.

The issue is my ex. When we were together, we had both agreed we’d send him to private school if possible, but now we’re separated he’s being difficult. Initially he said he wouldn’t pay anything (fine — I’ve said I will cover the fees myself), but he’s now refusing to give written consent at all.

I’m feeling really stuck because I don’t want my son to lose this opportunity over what feels like spite, but I’m not sure where I stand legally.

Has anyone been through similar? Do I need to go down the legal route for this, or is there another way to handle it?

Any advice or experiences would be really appreciated.

Is there any way the court could have not confirmed PR, though, assuming he is the biological father?

But this is the point. He’s gone to all the trouble of applying for PR quite why the judge didn’t pick up on no problem matey but don’t forget to pay your child support at the same time. I’m not sure.
Presumably the original poster isn’t from the UK and therefore she’s been bamboozled by the system which could happen to the best of us

There are circumstances in which the court would not give PR to a parent. I don’t want to derail OP’s thread with my own story, but the man who fathered my oldest DC was refused PR by the courts.

I think you are mad.

The chance of you getting a bursary allowance through school is tiny. In three years time more people will apply for the bursary and everyone will be assessed. Just because you had it now won't mean you get it again.

Or they may reduce the discount. 75% off now may reduce to 25% off in year 3. So technically they are continuing with the bursary but the pot is being divided between other applicants

I guess the concern for him is that the nursery is for 3 years and not for the whole of your child's school career. Things may change for the school in 3 years and the percentage reduction may change. Also fees go up with age: £10k at nursery,/infants, £20k juniors, £30k seniors for example. So even if the percentage reduction is the same, your contribution will rise significantly over the years. The school will review the bursary over the years, the percentage reduction may not remain the same. Will you be able to afford that? Whether you will or not creates doubt. You need legal advice on whether a court would override your ex and give permission, I doubt they would as you both have PR and the future financial implications.

Firstly - private school in principle.

The school have offered you three years guaranteed which will either take him up to the start of Year 2 or 3 [senior prep]. At 7 if that changes, you will have to move him to state school. Thousands of children all over the country change schools at that age. People move house, jobs, parents aren't happy with a school and relocate for the latter years of primary often with the specific intent of catchment for secondary.
Assuming you're fine with that in principle then I'd crack on. A small nurturing environment, longer hours of schooling [albeit longer holidays too] will make it easier to manage.

Is there a way you can make it more appealing to the deadbeat dad? Does he take the child on holiday ever? Longer school holidays will make it cheaper as most children are still in school in the first or last weeks of term?
If he does EOW does he pick up on a Friday after school? It's the difference between 2.30/3 and 3.30 often with wrap around care until 6pm.

I assume because there's a court order that he doesn't have to pay maintenance then his income can't be included in the bursary assessment. Does he have to sign the paperwork and you both be liable for residual school fees should you withdraw your son without giving the terms notice. If there's really no financial liability at all then he is simply being controlling.

Personally I'd go back to a lawyer to get an order for him to comply. I'd also reopen the financials. As you say, he has all the fun and zero financial commitment to his own child.

I agree completely, as long as the situation is just a question of father refusing consent.

Another thing to consider even if you can afford to pay the fees yourself, there are a lot of extras on top of the fees which increase yearly, we had fourteen years of it or however long children are at school and it is a huge financial commitment.

Only one parent needs to consent to a school place unless he actually takes you to court. As primary carer you can consent and send him there. If he doesn’t like it, see a mediator and get a MIAM and apply to the court for a specific issue order (under a CAO) to send your son there. Unless your ex has good reasons, if you are the primary carer, there is no reason to stop it.

Yes - I am the primary carer but the school want all with parental responsibility to sign the registration form. He is just being deliberately difficult saying “it’s your choice to send him to private school but I’m not signing any documentation . So almost trying to position himself as reasonable but actually not providing what he knows I need unless I take him to court and spend the little bit I have left on court fees so as I can’t afford the school fees.

I believe you can apply for a specific circumstances order (if you have a child arrangement order in place) as an emergency if you feel that your ex could potentially jeopardise a very valuable placement that wouldnt be in your child's best interest

You have said he has no legal financial obligation to your child and that the CMS have no legal power over him. If he is still in the UK, this is wrong. He is obliged to pay child maintenance and, if he is not doing so, you can start a case with the CMS to force him to do so. As the child's father, he should be paying maintenance.

As the school is insisting on signatures from both parents, you will have to go to court for a specific issue order. I'm afraid that is your only legal option.

If school won’t accept him without Ed’s consent, put an application into your local court for a specific issue order asap, I can’t see why the court wouldn’t grant it.

It’s surprising that they awarded a bursary without wanting to see evidence of his income and expenses. Did they explain why they were happy to waive this (e.g did you tell them the relationship had been abusive? You may be able to use that as a reason for him not to sign the forms.

This.

i think you have to take it to court. If you go for mediation it will probably just waste time while he delays or pretends to engage leaving you less time to follow up with court proceedings.

I think you need to go directly to legal action and inform the school so they hold the place while you do this.

If the bursary conditions change in 3 years and you have to move his school he will already have really benefitted from the start in private, even though he would change schools, so I think you should do what you can to get the legal proceedings underway.

I had to do this with my dd and her father, specific issue order as he wouldn’t sign the school paperwork. This was for senior school, the judge signed on his behalf and also made him pay some of the fees which was a nice bonus. It was obvious he was being controlling and not acting in my daughters best interests which looks very poor and did him no favours.

i think you’re right, it’s going to need a Court Order. It was really something I was trying to avoid as it is so stressful and costly.
I agree with some of the posts, I think even if they take the bursary away after three years (which would be a little unfair with no grounds) three years in private education would give him a head start. The school is so close to us too that he could continue friendships from both school and nursery. All dad keeps saying is he will be better in LA school ( conveniently because it’s at the end of his road)
I am going to have to apply for this Specific Court Order myself is there any recommendations on how to proceed and what to include?

I appreciate everyone’s time and advice :)

It depends on his motivation. If he just wants to be controlling and make your life difficult he will keep doing so and court may be the only way. If it's genuinely about the feed he may sign without court if your solicitor drafts something he can sign to say that he isn't responsible for any fees ever even if bursary falls through, then he may play ball.

Forge signature

I’m really impressed by your ability to get a bursary for age 4 that’s wonderful news for your little boy. Sign it yourself and send it back. They will raise it if he actually needs to sign they obviously are aware that you are separated. Next step contact a solicitor to draw up a contract saying that you are responsible for the fees and that he just needs to sign. make sure he contributes towards uniforms and trips all kids do those. Did he give information for the forms and agree before it was offered?

You’re suggesting she commits fraud?

Oh he would love that!!! He would be the first to report me to the police!!

Can you apply for legal aid in your son's name so he can be protected and able to have his opportunity? It's a shame when you're unable to work together

I remember having to sign the paperwork with relevant ID in the Burser's office, so forgery (fraud) would have been pretty difficult.

We had to sign that we were jointly and severally liable for the fees, despite me being a SAHM with no income. I can understand why he would be reluctant to sign a similar contract in the circumstances described.

Hopefully your judge will agree with you, but I can also see your ex's argument for the school at the end of the road rather than one 20 mins drive away.

I've had children at schools with both of these. A short walk rather than 80 mins driving daily, plus the time/ stress finding parking possibly a fair walk from the school made a huge difference.

Have either of you applied for a place at that or other local state school?