Ex refusing consent for son's private school bursary place

[Jonson2024]

Can anyone help?

My son (4) has been lucky enough to be offered a really generous bursary at a private school about 15 minutes from us, which would cover him for his whole education.

The issue is my ex. When we were together, we had both agreed we’d send him to private school if possible, but now we’re separated he’s being difficult. Initially he said he wouldn’t pay anything (fine — I’ve said I will cover the fees myself), but he’s now refusing to give written consent at all.

I’m feeling really stuck because I don’t want my son to lose this opportunity over what feels like spite, but I’m not sure where I stand legally.

Has anyone been through similar? Do I need to go down the legal route for this, or is there another way to handle it?

Any advice or experiences would be really appreciated.

How much do the fees ratchet up? At one school I know, the yR,y1and y2 fees are kept deliberately low, so that they are just very slightly more than the amount that parents have been paying for nursery fir the past 3 years, and they have numerous modest bursaries that bring it down so that the fees are actually a bit less than nursery was if your income is lower than £100k. However, the fees for y3-y6 are 30% higher than for yR-y2, and there are further steep increases for y7-11 and y12&13 and the value of the bursary doesn't go up proportionally so what was a 25% discount in yR becomes a much smaller discount by y11. The low initial fees with bursaries are a deliberate loss-leader as they hope it will be too difficult to transfer out to state after getting used to the benefits of private.

Exactly that - The school know my financial situation from the start it would be totally unreasonable for them to withdraw it in 3 years time if my financial situation remained the same. The grounds would be if your child was failing or disruptive etc and no longer was worthy of the offer or I breached some of the conditions etc

If, for some reason, the school decides that your son is not a ‘good fit’ for the school. For example, it turns out that he is not very academic, or he has disruptive behaviour, they could decide to withdraw the bursary. The main advantage of bursaries to the school is to admit children who are an asset to the school; at 4 years old is it very tricky for anyone to know if your son will still be an asset at 10 years old.

Is the bursary an amount or a percentage. One of mine got a bursary that was for 2/5ths of the fees when he started but by the end the fees had gone up so much that it was only less than 2/7ths which made it very difficult to afford. You have to know that you can afford to keep your child there once they start.

If the financial circumstances of a school change then their bursary policy will change, even if your financial circumstances have not.

School would usually require financial info from both parents though, to consider a bursary offer. Did your ex give this?

I alone can afford the fees after the bursary reduction but not before. It’s a percentage

Children change schools all the time the bursary for 3 yrs covers him till age 7 which is the normal entry year for Prep - when a bursary would likely have to be reapplied for anyway. Having a few years private then having to move school is no huge deal its just one of those things - you could have to move for work reasons and the same thing happens. It would give him a great grounding for achievement later in life. I would go to court for the specific issue order and at the same time include maintenance - I mean why not if he is being awkward its not your job to molly coddle him

Well clearly the school think a limited number of kids who can't afford it should. Giving bursaries to rich parents who can afford the fees is surely pointless

I think you might have misunderstood this post.

If you're in England, you can apply for a specific issue order. Quicker to go to court than waste time sending solicitor letters to and fro. Answer may be impacted by any existing child arrangements order.

I think the issue is that as he has PR he will be legally liable for the fees if you do not pay, regardless of whether you say you will not ask him to do so. The school can sue him for non payment regardless. Not sure if there is a legal way to void his responsibility in advance so that you sign some sort of undertaking. You might want to speak to a legal professional as I can understand why your ex would not agree to sign up unless he is offered a guarantee that he will not be liable.

Is your ex just being a dick, anti-private schools or worried about higher costs for uniform etc at this school?

He already took me to court for get PR
But feel hes using it to control us rather than what’s in the best interest of the child. He managed to get out of paying child maintenance but that’s a whole different story. I am just trying to work out what the right thing to do for the child.

Didn't both parents have to submit details of their income in order for the school to assess the level of bursary awarded?

Mediation then a specifics issue order in court.

he has no legal financial obligation to child

Have you gone to Child Support Agency about this? It seems legally wrong that he's paying nothing.

If he won’t contribute and you can only afford the pre-prep fees with a bursary , then you are unlikely to be able to afford private school
long term. The fees will rise at age 7 and again at 11 and so even if the bursary keeps at the same percentage, you will have higher bills to pay. Private school fees often rise by more than inflation annually . If you have any doubts, you can’t afford it. Hopefully you have a state offer coming - go with this for now and reconsider private later if you can genuinely afford it.

Well he has as much PR as you to decide where your 4 year old is educated. You keep saying that if your financial situation doesn't change you will still be entitled to the bursary, but if he signs this then if he gets a payrise he could be liable even if you are giving all the promises you would pay. Is there any reason why you feel a 4 year old will have such a massive benefit by going to private education. Which is doesn't actually sound like you can afford to fund stability for the rest of their education

At the school I work in we allow one parent to write a letter confirming that they give permission to attend but that they won’t take responsibility for the payment of fees. Might be worth asking the school. Maybe your ex would agree to that.

He managed to get out of paying child maintenance

So chances are this is purely financial, too. He's probably thinking that if he signs the permission form that he may end up being held responsible for fees by the school. Or that you'll 'come after him' at some point to help with the fees should 'something happen' to the bursary.

I'm afraid it's going to have to go to court. But don't be surprised if it tries to get something 'legal' from you that you won't try to make him pay towards the fees at a later date.

I agree with everyone else. Your son has a bursary for pre-prep. He does not have a bursary for the prep school or the senior school and you should absolutely not assume that he will get one (although he may). What's your plan for if he doesn't?
(As to why he doesn't, it's very hard to accurately assess a child at 4. Many SEN conditions such as dyslexia or dyscalcula only become obvious at school. At 4, my son was a very bright child with excellent focus and good behaviour. At 10, he's still a very bright child, but the excellent focus turned out to be hyperfocus on things he was interested in (which happened to include maths and learning to read) because he has ADHD. At 4, he was an August baby, engaged and stimulated to keep up with the kids who were a year older. At 10, he's caught up with the other kids, is often bored in class, and regularly acts out. Children change. The school's priorities and finances change. Hopefully, you'll still get to keep the bursary, but your ex is right not to rely on it.)
Your ex is probably worried that the school will hold him legally responsible for fees he can't afford if you can't afford to pay them long term (which honestly, it sounds like you can't). Getting some assurance from the school that this won't happen may be all you need - it's definitely worth asking if they're willing to do this.
Some questions you should be asking yourself:

• Private schools on average cost around 10/20% higher than the listed fees once you add in bus fares, uniform, sports equipment, exam fees, school lunches, trips, musical instruments and lessons, residentials, extracurriculars etc. Have you budgeted for this?
• Have you looked at the fees for prep and senior school and can you afford them if the bursary percentage stays the same?
• Fees usually increase by about 5% per year. Can you afford the school if this happens every year for the next 14 years?

Some insurance companies offer insurance for school fees if circumstances change. This is also worth looking into. Good luck.

Your first step is to go to the child support agency and make sure that you’re getting Maintainence because even if you just put that money in the savings account the fact that he has no legal financial obligation to the child means that he is emotionally detached from it nobody nobody would not want to pay for their children
And currently this one doesn’t want the best to his child so that tells you how emotionally removed he is from him
The first thing you need to do is start enforcing financial responsibility from this man
The school stuff is just custard. He’s doing that to control you.

Thank you for your message, I have sent them an email this morning:) very helpful thank you.

good luck if you hit any roadblocks with the child maintenance service go and see a family lawyer about using section one of the children’s act and lodging a C1
It’s massively helpful with hi earners and anybody that’s dodging the CSM
A hugely under utilised resource that is available, but too many women don’t know about it